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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 58 The ghost of pre game Christmas, The Christmas game and post Christmas

Christmas Eve was easy. Just a slow work day where everyone got scheduled on the closing shift. That meant less customers to have trying to rush. The last guy I got looked like Santa. I actually decided to be a JA and say “What’s up Santa?” He laughed. He was also Drunk. Fun stuff. After work I went to my parents house for a little bit. It was weirdly calm. I got some good gifts too. Money, gas card, socks, and a hair straightener. I spent the later part of the night at my best friends house, and we watched the movie “The Ref” by Ted Demme and Marie Weiss staring Kevin Spacey. His parents wanted to show us really badly, so we just kinda roll’d with it. It’s funny as fuck. Lots of cussing and A class one liners. Check it out. I midly regret shiny chaining in Pokemon while doing it, despite catching my shiny formantis, who is now a shiny lurantis. His name is Devin after my friend Devin. This may be the first time you’ve seen a persons name that isn’t my own. Consider it a late Christmas gift.

Oh and my friend got a multi color radio.

Christmas day was kind of all over the place. I have to ACTUALLY be brief due to getting ready for work. Here’s what happened. -I shiny chained again and caught a shiny Feebas. -We talked a lot about random stuff and there were lots of jokes and puns. His Dad got midly offended by a Jesus one I made (I don’t think it was that bad). The Joke was (without context). “No Jesus I can’t pay you in water, you have to drive over here.” Heh’. His Dad just very quietely said “Careful...” -His Brother told us about some guy who knew that sued a hospital after getting a brown recluse bite. -A good chunk of my best friends family came over shortly after. I guess his aunt and uncle and their kids? The kids were 3 little girls. There was a really little one that kinda explored a lot, a middle one that was a little chubby and kinda nice and I guess the oldest one who had a princess complex. They were all relatively polite. They just sort of tore through gifts. His aunt was kind of a butt to his grandma because she got one of her little girls a duplicate gift. Like she’s old...lay off.

-One of the girls got fox pajamas and was so happy with them she changed into them sometime during the day when everyone was talking and just spent the rest of the day in them.

-We ate a ton of food and I monopolized as much of the devil’d eggs and hashbrown cassorle as I could, since last year it was mostly all gone. This time I had my way. I feel bad though because my best friends older brother didn’t get any devil’d eggs. Next time i’m over i’ll eat less of those. -Me and my best friend went back to my apartment after everybody left. I had to drive because he drank too much. -In the car he explained his hatrid of corporate greed. He doesn’t like big companies over charging people for necessitates. There was more, but i’m not going to say all of it.

-I have him his Christmas gifts. I also found I lost my D.S. charger. The rest of the night there was a huge hunt for it. Not in my apartment. Not back at my parents house. Not at his house. Fartmart was close. Gas stations didn’t have any. -We got gas station food and caught pokemon at the gas station. -We drove back to his house and after arriving we talked a bit more. I showed him that I was back on miitomo by Nintendo. I kept sending him weird mii’s, one being labeled “Depression” which is a balding guy in a penguin suit, who has a droopy nose and says sad shit in the mopiest voice imaginable. Hugs and goodbyes afterthat. The day after consisted of a lot of work. I got some groceries post work and bought double what I usually buy to stock up for my vacation. I got a new D.S. charger from gamestop. I got home and my roomate did the dishes and informed me not to leave dishes upside down and let them dry before putting them away, lest mold grows. She said some of mine had mold on them, and that she recleaned them. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I’ve been so used to doing dishes every few days and cleaning the piss out of them, that I guess they never had time to grow mold, but since they sat for a while this time, they grew mold. I’ll head her advice. Needless to say I apologized a lot.

Charged my D.S. and played more Pokemon. IF YOU CAN’T TELL I FUCKING LOVE POKEMON. POKEMON-POKEMON-POKEMON.

So that’s Christmas. Merry Christmas.

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 55 Taking the good with the bad

Both yesterday and today were heavy work days. Yesterday in particular was hell due to some scheduling mishaps. The lady who schedules me typically does a good job, she just fucked up REALLY BAD this time. I was left on a closing shift with one of our older co-workers until 10pm. Needless to say from 7:00pm till 11:45pm we were swamed with customers. Just the two of us. She forget to have a 9′o clock. The manager for the night in an attempt to be responsible for the customers decide to call me off my lunch to help them. 12 minutes out of my half an hour lunch, just what I needed in all the stress. From where he was standing I couldn’t blame him, but all things considered i’d have been closing constantly during the holidays, and with the last heavy day I had excluding my lunch, this happening today practically threw me over the edge. I was ready to cuss up a storm. I let every customer know I was pissed though, as politely as I could. I wasn’t able to get all my closing work done that night, but I did take off my last break early to get boxes. To add a fucking on top I had a couple who checked out three minutes after we closed, that I wouldn’t had even gotten around to if I wasn’t running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get things done and running late to clock out. Lucky them. On the sort of bright side it snowed that night on the way home from work. Heavy enough where it was a little harder to see but light enough to where the roads weren’t slick, and it could be enjoyable watched from the comfort of my drivers seat, as I irresponsibly scarfed down warm fast food fries. I couldn’t bring myself to cook that night after all the bullshit. Today (technically not today because it’s roughly 1am) was different. Got to work early to grab some food from the work sponsored pot luck, which I forgot to bring something for...oops ;u; Got on in a timely manner. Took a hot steamy poop somewhere in between there due to gorging myself on food, and guess what? When I asked to leave for the bathroom the manager just said “Go ahead” as opposed to “Can you wait? or Can you make it quick? or even “Do you mind just taking your break now?” Dealing with the company being too cheap to pay for their employees basic human functions was not on the agenda today. Almost all the customers were nice and an old lady told me she liked my hair, and kept begging me not to dye it blonde in the future. Kinda funny.

The only things that bothered me was the mild annoyance of one of the managers seeing if I could stack potato chips on these removable/adjustable shelves. Stacking was easy, adjusting almost made me scream. The other thing was one girl who came in after the old hair gal’ who was like “you can do x thing with your hair. Well you might not worry about this other x thing because YOU’RE A GUY.” AHHHHHH. I kinda just let out this depressive “oh”. The girl was really nice and asked what was wrong, but the dysphoria kicked in really hard and my energy to tell her was just shot. All of the depression in one short instant. It’s weird, I get a lot of customers, particularly male who misgender me without knowing. This isn’t unreasonable at all despite how much I loathe it because frankly, I don’t do anything to try to pass as female all that much at work. There’s a lot of “thanks bud” or “you’re the man” it’s endearing. A lot of guys have a natural firm respect for other guys, the other ones try too hard to be intimidating and just wind up looking extremely insecure or just make one mildly uncomfortable in dealing with them. Nonetheless the dysphoria doesn’t set in. In this particular instance however, I found myself feeling more like shit than ever. I think it was the following “YOU’RE A GUY” it was unbrief. That and I was hearing it from a girl, that made it worse. Like, I want to fit in with girls, particularly young college age girls, and if one exclaims i’m male without a second thought, it kinda hurts deeper. It makes my existence feel empty. That’s the only way I can describe. Physically I about threw up and my body just kinda felt gross, like goo. Like I was going to melt into the dry dusty sales floor, and be one with the dirt. My breathing growing ever heavy I could barely bring myself to check people out. The temptation to call the manager and say “I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM AGAIN. I NEED TO DRINK WATER. EVERYTHING IS CLOSING IN. I CAN’T EXPLAIN. PLEASE. YOU GUYS SAID YOU’D HELP ME WITH ANYTHING RELATED TO MY TRANSITION, DYSPHORIA IS PART OF THAT.” It was obviously anxiety too. I grinned and beared it though. Just kinda blanked out so to speak and checked out customers, as a safe assumption. After I got done with the work day, I got some more food. Headed home and upon arriving back at the apartment I found my roomate and her boyfriend watching the television program titled Drake and Josh. They always make things better. I remember doing a bit of improv with her boyfriend after that, trying to get him to take a peice of gum I got from work (it was part of some work gift thing they had in the break room). He hates gum, but the improv got him to eat it. I’m not sure how. Played Pokemon after that, still am. Good shit. Oh and I got a text. My best friend said I could stay over at his house on Christmas Eve after I texted him about it earlier. I’m not sure if i’ll post on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but yeah... MERRY CHRISTMAS...in advance

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Some other Christmas gifts. Got these from my best friend <3

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Additional. This part is brief

Some good news -My parents gave me Pokemon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon early

-I gave one of my regulars at my work (an older guy who does charity) my number, and he’s going to help my get in contact with Larry Rice (the guy who’s dedicated his life to helping the homeless) - I was able to get a ton my laundry done. -I cut up my best friends late birthday card to me in half and put it on my wall. I’ll send pics of some of the stuff mentioned earlier in this blog. The little things

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 53 Potential for progress from progressive people.

So here’s a (hopefully) brief overview of the last few days and what happened. Edit: It’s not brief Edit 2: This would be very offensive to some religious people. -I started telling some customers at my work i’m going to transition. They’ve all been cool with it so far, but they’ve also all been women. Not to sound prejudice but from experience men are harder to convince and have always been more abrasive. With the exception of 2 trans boys i’m friends with. They tend to come around, it just takes a LOT of time. I’m not sure about customers though, since I may only see them once. We can only hope. There was one lady that I told that was pretty damn cool. I have her the whole spheal of how I was doing (which was pretty bad that day since I picked up an 8 hour shift, meaning no lunch) and had to deal with all the crazy people, that and the estrogen is making me snippy-mood now. We talked about Christmas and the holiday rush and I told her about transitioning. Needless to say she was supportive from what I could tell and even gave me a “God Bless” at the end of the conversation. It’s nice when Christians can love people unconditionally. It’s kinda rare though. Speaking of Christianity, I always worry about anarchists (how do we get back to that). From what i’ve heard historically speaking they kill Christians and hate religion as a whole. I imagine it’s because religion has a high potential to be oppressive to groups of people and supressive in terms of having women be subservient to men and have them be objectified to things that men use to carry out Gods plan, masked with some type of glorification. This has become more subtle over time and many Christians don’t talk about it, it’s always in the background. With this being said trans women get an even more shit end of the stick. Were compared to people wanting to be dogs and are shamed for wanting to go against what’s thought of as “God’s divine plan.” That getting gender reassignment in order to not feel dysphoria and in some cases like my own not have panic attacks. That taking care of ourselves is the ultimate sin. Anarchists, at least the feminist ones find this disgusting, and rightfully so. Not to mention, it’s illogical. Many Christians build up this idea that a devoution to God has nothing to do with individual choice and everything to do with what God gave them and they should just take that. Yet, when a person makes something of themselves outside of religion and attains success that’s part of Gods plan too. The flaw of reasoning a trans person shouldn’t transition comes in two forms. It assumes God hasn’t calculated the possibility that a person would transition. The second bit is it assumes a person cannot hold faith or decide to do good works, on grounds of their transition. Where is the screaming towards non-trans Christians who decide to abstain from sexuality; that they are declairing war against God. I hear none. Christianity has it’s roots built in perversion and thus, Anarchists may want it to die, along with it’s followers. I don’t want that though. I think Christians are good and that they’d turn away from old beliefs for the sake of social inclusion, compassion, understanding and just logic in general. Even if they didn’t let those who worship sexuality stew in their own shit. If you can’t tell i’m angry and really convicted and not sugar coating anything here. I’m angry because back when I was more religious I guess (i’m struggling with things now) I had already prayed on this. God said he didn’t care what I did in reguards to my transition. Is long as I loved people, that’s what mattered. Nothing else. It’s cheezy. I’d trust God over the religious figures. Nevertheless i’m still at the crutch that this happened in a dream, thus it could be my own mind just telling me what I want to hear. But if it’s between the possibility and feeling of God versus what a human says, no matter what his religious authority is, i’m going to pick GOD PERIOD. I hope the anarchists can see the good in God and that their intentions of bringing humanity together and denouncing Mammon fit well with the kinder Christians. -On a more optimistic note, I spent a little bit of time with my parents. They said they were going to have a talk with me. It’s a bit upsetting that they still don’t get that saying “we need to have a talk” gives me anxiety. Hell, why does no one get that. JUST SAY WHAT’S GOING ON AHHHHHH xp. They told me that they were going to try to start using my proper name, “Evelyn” and that despite it being harder for them that they wanted to try. This is a huge step for them. I can’t put into words. Dad said it would be harder for him. I told them both that they could take as much time as they needed, since they did raise me. It was nice. Really nice...<3

-I got lost trying to look for a McDonalds, because I was really hungry on my way home from delivering some full time application requests to both the Union and one of the Corporate(?) offices. I spent like an hours just trying to dig through traffic and hope my GPS could navigate me. I took a right turn off a highway exit, and plot twist, the McDonalds was a left turn. The hour was me being redirected to a different one :l -I got some Christmas gifts from my roomate. One’s a notebook with a cute little cat on the front that says “The Time Is Right Meow”. The other is a tiny plush bunny. She had a mutual friend over and we kinda had a girly drunken sleepover. A lot of the time was spent eating chicken nuggets, them doing tarot readings and talking about dicks. It was pretty great. Other reason I have a hard time being religious. Tarot cards, they’re neat.

#transgender #transition #evelyntransitions

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 50??? Part 4 Estrogen side effects

So I started Estrogen 2 days ago. HORRAY! FINALLY! I tried to take it exactly at 2:30pm to have a target time. There’s not much to it, but here are the side effects. -Very mild headache

-My chest feels very warm on the inside. -Breasts are a little tender. -I’m extremely tired, but in a good way? Like I want to snuggle

-Other strange desire involving cuddling. I want to hug everyone and hold people close. Is this why Cis women hug a lot?

-Boners are midly harder to get. Centaur butt seems to remedy that.

-Desire for pregnancy and optimism towards future science regarding pregnancy is weirdly up. I think about it a little bit more than usual. It’s kind of depressing but also nice. Bittersweet I guess? Anyways, i’m done with Tumblr for the day.

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 50??? Part 3 Christmas Shopping

Okay so I went to the mall twice and some other places. First run I bought some bar signs for my parents, some Christmas Story fudge for a female friend, a few cute things for another female friend, a giant stuffed unicorn for my best friend so on and so fourth for the first trip. THE SECOND TRIP THOUGH. I spent the entire second trip in Barnes and Noble. I was in there for hours. It wasn’t the plan, but, it kinda happened that way. Here’s why. - “This Goku toy is in the mark down bin. How did that get here?” - “Oooh spiderman, maybe my friend x likes Spiderman” - *Calls friend* “Hey does you boyfirend like Spiderman or Goku better? Oh for Christmas. Oh you want Spiderman and he likes Goku, so I should give him Goku.” -”I should get my therapist friend a book”

-This book is outdated. This one isn’t in his field of study. Am I in the wrong section? No, this is the right section. Oh there’s a section on childcare. None of these have to do with child psychology. I should get him a reference sheet. Oh God, I hope he doesn’t have one. What if he thinks i’m judging him. I’ll just get him this. Oh, no. It’s a novel. OH MY GOD HALF OF THESE ARE NOVELS, WHY!? Oh this looks good...it’s by Ben Carson. No. Not happening. I’ll buy him a medical dictionary. Oh no. There’s 50 of these. Websters medical seems good. Okay. Can I afford this? Can I afford any of these books?! -Needless to say I got him a stuffed animal.

-Got to get a gift for a girl I like. I want to ask her out. I should buy her yuri manga. Because that’s why I like, and I want her to get me to know me better. BUT WHAT IF SHE REJECTS ME!? I shouldn’t get her something romantic. But romantic shit is cute, and she’d probably like it anyways. So how romantic is too romantic? Should I get her a personal one? I could get her one for new readers of the genra. She’s bi-sexual right? Yeah she’s bi-sexual. Okay, how about Girlfriends by Morinaga Milk. Oh no, it’s called Girlfriends...that title. AH. This went on for 2 hours.

-Needless to say, I got her a stuffed animal too.

I spent another half hour looking for my friends and then spent another half hour waiting for them back in the book store. I wound up with a headache after the fact.

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 50??? Part 2 My work

So there’s my work. So it’s the holiday season, and checking out groceries has never been such a pain until now. I’ve fucked up a bit too. Lots of getting carried away in conversation or pushing time limits. I messed up pretty bad one day and forgot to give the front my drawer before leaving. One of the managers decide to be a mega dick about it. It’s busy but it’s not the end of the world. Sorry I forgot, people forget things. Just tell me to fix it. No need to be a butt. I guess that’s why they picked him. Having that passive aggressive cranky manager will probably scare the new people into getting their shit together. I guess that’s why corporate people promote those types. So hits in with the big grocery team. I’ve been there forever though, so I tend to get my shit together after the first time, I don’t need that sas’, and yes i’m being a whiny bitch. Rabble-rabble-rabble.

I reinformed the managers about the transition, and they were cool. I told two co-workers as well.

The first had a bunch of questions, which is the typical response. Usually people in this position are awkward but come around after a certain amount of time. They’re on the borderline between being allies or being assholes. She seemed to think my name as Evelyn was cute and deduced my nickname would be Ebi/Eve. Not a very hard deduction but i’m impressed she figured i’d have a nickname and went with one that was easy and cute. Maybe it’s because i’m easy and cute...EYYYYYY’ (I’m not easy though, realistically). The second was extremely supportive. She thought it was great that I was transitioning and doing this for myself. She kept saying “If you need anything, just let me know.” This didn’t surprise me much, she’s normally a huge sweetheart. I’m just glad she’s being kind, I wouldn’t want to see her wind up being transphobic. We talked about different feelings, I went on to tell her that I got the ‘feeling’ back in my arms and legs for not just being on blockers anymore. I told her now I feel this weird warm sensation in my chest. She said it’s like that for her too, that she always gets that. We talked about drinking lots of calcium due to the effects of estrogen. Needless to say I bought almond milk later that night. Nobody at night does side work except for me and one of the older gals. It’s getting obnoxious especially with the holiday season. I think she’s on vacation too, and God forbid I have to carry the store. I feel taken advantage of in that reguard. I discovered these weird spicy sasuage chips. I showed one of the night crew, and she bought some. Gave one to the big night manager boss, and he bought some. I think the influence of the sasuage chips is spreading. Soon they’ll take over the store. Note to watch the chips.

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 50??? Part 1-Why I hate people and think they’re dumb as fuck.

Counting days is hard, if you’re me and kinda stupid. So a lot of things happened. A lot of BIG things. First off we got me seeing my psychiatrist. I got my letter for Estrogen (which is kinda pointless, because I already own Estrogen). She explained that what she and the Therapist were looking for was consistency, that-that’s why he was being so intrusive more than likely. I was still kind of pushy and she got a little uppity explaining that she’d get people in her office that would come in one day literally crying and then months later change their mind. It makes sense. I still wish the therapist wouldn’t have ask about my presentation. The psychiatrist explained that due to me possibly being autistic that maybe I wouldn’t dress as feminine right out of the gate, that i’d “avoid bullshit” as I call it. I attempted to tell her that maybe I just want to do things at my own pace, and she said that was okay. She was being sincere, but I can’t help feeling there’s a fuck ton of bias behind all these doctors. I even remarked “Non-binary people who come in must have a hell of a time.” She nodded. (I’m not non binary but yeah). My impression is that the psychatrist gets things, but doesn’t fully get things. She can understand being a tomboy to some degree but seems to think it’s autistic for me to not present fully as female. Like maybe not changing my voice immediately. She said some girls are like that but it’s a lot of explaining to people who you are.

I think society needs to dump their biases in the trash, and just leave people alone. Most people are quiet and don’t bother others in general, so I don’t get what’s with all the judging. Everyone says they value “Independence” but when they actually see what it looks like they go into a panic or want to understand. Going with the flow is dead, as is just be and let be. It’s buried next to express yourself, think for yourself, and my favorite it do what it do/it is what it is. They lay 6 feet under a graveyard labeled “Here lies the human spirit” misplaced at 101 Autism Dr. Granted there are people with Autism, that’s undeniable, but I must question how many autism diagnosis are given to people that are just misunderstood or in the most snotty way I must say, more intelligent than the masses. Here’s my reasoning as to why I don’t dress the way people want me to immediately. *People are going to question me no matter what. *It would make more sense to dress effeminate when I look effeminate to avoid bullshit before hand *I want to dress feminine to embrace my body when it develops. I want to feel fully female and am self critical, because, oh I don’t know i’m human BUT EVELYN, BODY DYSPHORIA . WOULDN’T EVELYN DRESS GIRLY TO COMBAT ASAP DERP-DERP? WHY YOU NO SAME AS OTHER GIRLS? Because very dumb person, despite the existence of body dysphoria dealing with my inner mind is easier than dealing with other people. BUT EVELYN, WHY TRANSITION IN FIRST PLACE. DERP-DERP.

Because very dumb person, the ratio of dysphoria from people’s judgement is higher from other people’s opinions than my own. I have a brain that thinks about a million things, whereas people who see me dress feminine will judge me. If i’m judged by wearing female clothes i’m put in a position where I must think about dysphoria, whereas if i’m not I can suppress the dysphoria for a while until it happens. I want to deal with less dsyphoria as opposed to more. HOWEVER I HAVE TO transition to get rid of the physical aspect of dysphoria to eliminate most of it, and just have to deal with the social. Not to mention, ideally i’ll present as fully female to eliminate the dysphoria almost entirely. This seems long and elaborate. A not completely dumb person would say Well that’s a lot of fucking thinking to come to that conclusion. Your psychatrist has a point. ONLY you would know that. That’s where your wrong though. It’s a matter of EMPATHY. You know that thing that’s dying in the United States? That thing that also makes the far-right call the left autistic for, because they lack it. Full circle. A person with Empathy would understand how I feel, and here’s how. -Evelyn seems to not want to dress feminine all the time . I have ideas why, but I got to put those on hold, because I don’t know her, and assuming makes an ass out of you and me. She knows herself enough to make big decisions like transitioning and seems to always feel this way, she must know what she’s doing (Psychiatrist got on this track, but faultered) [Respect route] -She as a trans woman struggles with identity stuff, maybe her way of self discovery is a process of experimentation, she can have an idea of where she wants to be, but is still trying things, and that’s okay (you’re kind of wrong, but this reasoning is more commendable and more on the right track) [Normal Route] -Just because she’s a girl, maybe her idea of a girl is different than the masses. She can decide accordingly what she does. Maybe dysphoria is a condition that makes her feel less like a girl, and is more relative to her existence than always pleasing society. That maybe being a woman is more than pleasing a society and reacting with it, and to some degree it’s a personal thing. That humans are more than their place in the world. [Existential route] MOST PEOPLE TOUCH BASE WITH THESE TYPES OF REASONING. EXPAND ON THAT, AND STOP JUDGEING PEOPLE AND YOU’D GO PLACES. JUDGING DOESN’T DO SHIT. IT HOLDS YOU BACK. BREAK THOSE GOD DAMN CHAINS. EASY AS FUCK. FEELING->THINKING (except in economics and math. Sometimes in problem solving). CASE AND POINT. EVEN IF YOU DON’T TOTALLY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING YOU CAN FIGURE OUT HOW THEY FEEL, BECAUSE YOU FEEL THINGS. PEOPLE WHO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AREN’T AUTISTIC OR HAVE SOME KIND OF MENTAL ILLNESS YOU’RE JUST BEING FUCKING STUPID AND A GOD DAMN ROBOT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Edit/Additional: I don’t think autistic people stupid, or non-autistic people are stupid. I just don’t like people thinking others they don’t understand are automatic are automatically autistic.

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 39 recovering from crap

It’s been a while since i’ve posted here, mostly from depression and because a lot of lame shit happened we’ll start from the top. -Fuckin’ Kekistan ball won the battle of the balls. Mostly because the admins used a bunch of bots. Then kept making fun of all the leftist esc’ balls. Top tier trolling but kinda shitty. Don’t cheat at your own contest. That’s lame. -Speaking of anarchy I had this little debate with one of the admins, that stemed from me trying to see the good in people from all the political philosophies, and that they were misunderstood leading them to fend for themselves because of their ideal society. Nevertheless most peoples ideals come from wanting to help other people, even really die hard Conservatives don’t want a bunch of lazy people, who can’t have any faith in anything good and want to save their kids from hurting themselves or going to hell. They seem to care about their country too and hate immigrants on the grounds of wanting to look out for their family, because they believe immigrants are making things like healthcare inflate due to the mass amount of people on it. It’s fucking awful and prejudice as fuck, but they’re still looking out for their own. As terrible as ingroups are, to care about a group of people still shows some compassion. No one is truly selfish. They can be evil, but not truly selfish. So random anarchy ball admin praises me on acknowledging how “Selfish” people become in the face of adversity and explain, that An-caps are selfish too but they don’t want to hurt anybody they just want to make money and be left alone. This is obviously false because if you do something like own a business you’ve created a hierarchy volentary or not, you’ve gained control of other peoples lives for the sake of survival. One could argue all philospohies would implement this, but business overall demands a person strip away their identity for production more often than not blah-blah-blah etc. etc. etc. That’s why people say they’re not real anarchists because they suppress a persons identity for the sake of giving others power or something like that. I actually talked to the purple and black ones, one of them gave me a long reading. Sheesh. It’s a good read none the less, but I think i’ll stick cleaning up the environment and hopefully in the future growing food for the less fortunate and giving it away for free to spite corporations and businesses that sell food or take up land. I don’t want to stick myself into a dogma though. But I digress. I try to explain that people aren’t necessarily selfish, they can do good things and this admin seems to take it really personally, and goes all out in treating me like i’m naive and says people just do good things to feel good. Boi’ you don’t know my life. Have you dealt with someone who’s co-dependent and tried to help them when you have depression because you don’t want to see them kill themselves, not because you want them around (because frankly they’re a burden to your happiness as awful as that sounds), but because you see how wonderful of a person they are and want to see them love themselves, when i’d be easier just to leave. Fuckin’ parents raise kids and make sacrifices sometimes not out of romanticization of motherhood-fatherhood but just because they care. This isn’t as common as people think, but it happens. Forgiveness within itself exists not out of feeling good but knowing it’s right and compassionate. In reality forgiveness is alturism because having to put up with someone who wronged you, and risking feeling like shit (and also feeling like shit for having to listen to them and apologize or hear them apologize) is fucking work, and annoying as piss. I have a lot of stuff to do some i’m not going to go into personal examples. Point is the guy to me sounds like he’s trying to justify sociopathy and i’m not down for that. So we argue but it doesn’t get far. I take the cheap example and go for people who risk their lives on impulse to save others. If people naturally risk their lives without thinking or wanting to feel something, they’re more naturally selfless or at least have the capacity to be totally selfless. There’s HOPE. They have nothing to say to that. Nevertheless I spent 2 days post this between volenteer work and work-work debating myself to make sure I was correct. In case this example tanked, I tried to look for another one in my life or a person and thought back to when I wronged my now best friend as a child, and left him for a girl. I remember meeting up with him and him wanting to serve me shit or tell me to fuck off, as he often tells, but he decided to forgive me. He didn’t even want people around. He wanted to be alone and to die. Maybe he secretly wanted someone, but it wouldn’t make sense that the childhood shithead (me) would be that person. I have faith that he decided to be selfless on his own accord. I’ve grown to love him, and we’ve risked our lives for each other, between standing up to oppressive people, and keeping each other from killing ourselves. We’ve had co-dependent patches when we started but nothing too insane. It’s become guiene love and we can respect each other as opposed to looking at what’s best for us. Little human sacrifices. Faith-Hope-Love that’s what Christians, they’re clearly unto something. Heh’. Nevertheless the whole discussion made me depressed because I started worrying about the person. All political philosophy aside, if this person is that cynical, I want to know what’s eating at them. Solving that mystery and feeling good about helping them is selfish, and would probably lead to backlash, but I hope they find peace and ditch their cynicism. This tore me up and fed my depression; me worrying about someone I didn’t even know.

-So more politics but no anarchy. This part isn’t bad but a quick note. The Libertarian party is doing pretty well and they seem optimistic. Though i’m not from New York i’ve looked into a particular candidate named Larry Sharpe. I’ve been watching his posts for a while and he seems to sacrifice a lot of his personal beliefs for what he thinks is fair and liberates the masses. He seems to hate taxes and his opponent. His opponent hasn’t said much about him so far, but seems to mean well too. He’s tried to help a bunch of people from what I gather, but has raised taxes so high that small businesses are failing and people can’t move to new locations are get their bills paid. In helping people he overstepped his shit, and fucked up. I gather this from the comment section on his posts. Generally speaking, people don’t like him on those grounds, but the ones who do only like him because he’s nice. This constant debate on how much people should help is fucking with my head. What really is best for humanity? It’s fucking with my head, but I can’t let it control my life. Personal shit/Shit regarding taking care of myself. I went to my therapist and he’s being a butt. I gather he’s worried about me transitioning because he asked a lot of questions about my presentation as a (trans) woman. The questions felt very intrusive asking why I don’t do “x”. Some of them were redundant and I felt the need to justify everything. I don’t like being put on trial, my Dad that and it fucked me up. I wanted to give him the right answers as opposed to how I felt, or just be avoidant. There was a lot of glaring and him sounding stressed. So when Mr. Therapist did something similar, it fucked me and I had an “episode” and began spewing out a bunch of information and asking him what he’s going to do, what he thinks, if he would just listen, that he doesn’t trust me and that all the doctors visits make me feel less like a woman and more like a lab rat. They feed my dysphoria. I had sort of this weird out of body experience where I was just talking but my body felt like it wasn’t there. That I had separated myself form reality to keep myself safe. It was pure anxiety and miserable. He proposed that I didn’t trust him and that I thought he was against me, but I tried reassuring him and it just ehhh. I kept going over the possibility that I might have autism (See next paragraph) considering my psychiatrist keeps thinking that because I can’t always communicate my thoughts, and it was a mess. I “yelled” a lot trying to get my points across, not really angrily but my voice was raised. He gave me a journal to write in. Even after he said our time was up, I got really selfish and glued myself to the couch wanting him to reassure me and asking him questions with what ifs. Like what if I just took estrogen, and he said he’d support my decision and root for me. This is why I think he’s decent. None the less the intrusiveness and lack of transparency bother me. The think that bugged me most is that he said he didn’t think I was ready because I had “one last hurdle to overcome” And when I asked “What?” He said he didn’t know. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I spent the time after in my car having a panic attack and feeling numb. I didn’t even schedule another appointment. I wanted to just die but my inner voice told me to breathe, strap in my seatbelt, drive home and get some sleep. I posted on Facebook about my depression and everyone got worried. I’m glad I got good friends. I went home and got to sleep. Woke up and went out with chinese food with my roomate and her boyfriend(?).

-I went to get tested for (Asperger's) Autism earlier in the week because my psychatrist seems to think I have it. Every doctor I have says one thing, while others suggest different. It’s the same with friends and family. Mom thinks I have it. Best friend doesn’t think I have it. Mom knows me at home, Best friend however has autism and has autism run in his family. Am I autistic? Who knows. I’m sure right wing neckbeards edgelords would think I am, because I respect women generally speaking. Nonetheless they did an interview sort of thing, and i’m able to go in and get officially tested. This will be when I have money. That doctor said it was a 50/50. The visit was the same as all the others XP

- After a good 3 bottles of Mikes hard practically in a row I finished that fucking English Essay and turned it in. -I was able to talk to my school councilor for the first time in months. She’s the best. I’ve had her around since I started figuring out my gender identity (I think that’s a stupid as word tbh, considering the brain is an organ, so to some degree i’m female). I gave her an hours worth of rambling and she as always responded with kindness, listening and sincere advice. She doesn’t care for my therapist or psychiatrist from what I can gather, and I already know she doesn’t care much for my parents. She did want me to try to be more honest with the therapist though, despite the panic, and just address my needs upfront. I’m not sure how capable i’ll be of doing that, but I can respect the advice, mostly because it’s her. I can almost fully trust her. She’s at like 99% where most people are at like 40%. My best friend is at 100% unless it’s making plans. He tends to fuck up with that. Oh well, nobody is perfect.

- I did some volenteer work over the weekend which was nice. Blockers/lack of energy and stiffness in my limbs didn’t fuck with it too much. It feels nearly impossible to lift boxes at my work though. -Though it doesn’t have to do with me, some fucker stole shit at my work and got caught. It was a thing of cool whip, in which he’d do something that a manager described post arrest as “whip its” in which a person would inhale nitrogen from a whip cream can. Personally if he wants to do drugs and ruin his life that’s his own business. Sure someone cares about him but trying to prevent shit like drugs via police seems to cause more problems. Just let people voluntarily go to rehab and be there for them. I am glad he got caught for stealing though, i’m not a fan of stealing unless someone is trying to feed their kids, or themselves because they’re living in severe poverty and prices for x company are high. Even still a lot of businesses can be decent at times and if you tell them you’re poor they sometimes really help people out (been there done that). You’d think someone who prasies things like anarchy would be like “DOWN WITH THE COORPERATE GREED” you could also argue that someone who’s okay with Captalism would be like “NO THIEVERY PEOPLE EARNED THAT MONEY” there’s also the thought of “HOW DOES ONE LIKE ANARCHY, CAPITALISM BUT HATE ANCAPS. WHAT ARE BELIEFS (I’ll talk about that in another post).” Nope my reaction is that stealing is terrible for everyone because x company will just give employees less hours or jack up prices. It makes things harder on the poor. Stealing also lets in police prescence and furthers the police state. If people really wanted to piss on the government if applicable be totally obidenent and expose police violence. If people don’t believe in police and don’t feel a need for them the state would eventually defund them or people wouldn’t become cops. It’s happening in the county I live in, and it’s awesome. Hopefully one day there won’t be any police or at the very least police that are more social workeres than anything. I could live with social worker police. Some countries have that. That’s how it’s supposed to be (except in terms of major riots which may not happen due to less police, and kidnappings. Police existing to hunt down kidnappers is ideal. I wouldn’t mind private cops to do that though) That’s it, no go outside =w=

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 32 Aggravation

I’m really tired of this lack of timely sleep due to early morning shifts. Pun fully intended. I made a horrible mistake last night and set my alarm to 12pm instead of 12am and somehow slept through my other alarm. I woke up around 4:15 giving me 15 minutes to throw on clothes, take before bed medicine after bed again and rush my ass out of my room and hop in my car. I tried to speed to work as best I could without going too over the speed limit, maybe 5mph? Nobody pulls anyone over in this state for going 5 over. I usually go the speed limit exactly on the highway because I worry if I get in an accident going say 70mph it’ll be way worse than one at 40mph or lower, with all the stop and go traffic. Realistically it didn’t make any sense considering the time of “night” as stated in the last post as well, but eh. Better to be safe than sorry. I actually wound up getting there a little early by a few minutes. Work itself was really annoying, mostly because all my coworkers minus the other cashier were really annoying for all the same reason. They don’t tell me things and then somehow expect me to understand on top of treating someone elses irresponsibility like it was my fault. I know it’s because i’m nice and relatively passive until someone REALLY pisses me off. I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT, AND IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. The first problem was that the scheduling manager (who was absent) wrote the wrong time for one of my school days. It’s on my availability sheet that I can’t work the hours she gave me, on top of me going over this with her two times post writing my availability. The upfront manager today instead of saying “Oh she must have fucked up on your availability (after seeing this happen before)” gets really snippy with me. ME. In the most uppity priss-ann voice she says to me “Welll....didn’t you look at your availability?” I SHOULDN’T FUCKING HAVE TO IF THE FRONT DESK WAS DOING THEIR GODDAMN JOB!!!!! I told her that I looked at last weeks and that I only glanced over this weeks (it being a Sunday and all. Granted they do put the schedules out every two weeks now, but it’s confusing having to look at all them, but that’s besides the point). She goes “oh eh-okay, just look at your schedule from now on.” :lllll Granted this seems like a little thing, but every time she does something wrong or one of the upfront people do something wrong it’s my fault or i’m stupid. I remember one time she asked me if the liquor was faced and I said “It’s pretty much done” as to signify I was almost finished and she goes “What do you mean pretty much done? What does that mean? It’s either done or it isn’t.” Okay Judge Judy no need to be a bag of dicks. Oh but were just getting started. I had another one of the upfront managers get snippy with me over not putting carts in front of the liquor aisles because it was Sunday. Granted, if I was ever told I was supposed to do that, I would have, but nobody tells me anything unless i’m in trouble. I’m rarely ever in trouble, but today of all days everyone was up my butt. The first upfront manager from this morning got on me for something again, that I didn’t know. Allegedly i’m supposed to take a new tax exempt sheet for every day. I’m actually calling bullshit on this one because it’s probably easier for her. I reason this because there’s a bunch of slots that say “date” on the paper, one for each item purchased. If all the papers were supposed to be for one day, there would only be a line at the top for dates, or one slot, but there’s multiple. Not to mention the obvious blatant waste of paper. I’m pretty sure corporate doesn’t want us wasting things they have to pay for (Except coupon magazines because customers go through those like candy, as well as bags for the same reason.) The upfront manager said “But that’s okay” after telling me what I was supposed to do but she sounded aggravated and did correct me as opposed to asking me to change with a reason. I asked the next cashier, an older nice gal who usually works the same shifts as me says “Oh I thought we were just supposed to use the same piece of paper, that’s why there are different date slots; I bet *insert upfront managers name here* is just wanting to make her morning shift easier to take care of things.” Me and the other old lady cashier (of many old lady cashiers) have a habit for telling each other when there’s a new rule, announcement or we learn something new. From what I gather she also seems to only learn things when she gets in trouble (or when I tell her).

Were not done though, oh there’s one more person at work who drove me nuts as she always does. I don’t know if i’ve brung it up before but there’s this lady in the deli who always gets on my case over nothing. For one thing there’s no rules between employees and/or customers in dealing with the deli. All interactions with the deli “have to” usually be fast, because checkers have to clock out before they get food. This means doing anything before you reach the break room be it helping a customer or getting food is taken out of your break. Company time is precious...why do I like Capitalism..? In the case of the deli, they’re almost always rushed which isn’t there fault. By the sheer nature of their work along with some staffing problems (which are getting better) things can be rough. I also know from experience having worked in the deli, that it’s fast paced and rough but back when I worked there it was expected that someone be behind the counter at all times and not in the back. I imagine due to staffing issues in the past this rule was dropped. So there’s this one deli lady who got on my case one day when I was at self check out. I forget what she said but it was much worse than anything I had to deal with upfront. I guess she figured she could just walk on me and the few instances after that she always sounded snippy when I got to the deli. Another cruel insult later while at my station I decided enough was enough i’d tell a manager. I told one of the PICS she was really rude, and that I didn’t know what was getting at her. I continued by saying I didn’t want her to get in trouble, I just wanted her to not be so mean. This solved nothing, but instead this snotty deli lady gets more rude, just passive aggressive as opposed to confrontational for the most part. Naturally i’m kinda slow when trying to make decisions or approaching a problem in a situation i’m forced into. In the past and one of the reasons I wanted to get away from my parents was that back in my late teens and early adult life they gave me hell for it. They’d ask for help with something, and when I was too slow they’d degrade me for being slow, tell me i’m retarded, that I can’t do anything right, that i’m helpless. When I wouldn’t hear what they’d say i’d be the same thing, and if I for example took a plate when mom asked to get plates for everyone, even though she knew I had gaps in processing it was always that I was inconsiderate. It was almost an everyday experience. Along with the intimidation of my Dad from doing anything wrong (not negligent or disbandment just things wrong due to lack of processing speed) I was immediately told to correct things I couldn’t fix and to feel bad about them. This was also true with police. I never committed any crimes except one time speeding by accident when zoning out, but would wind up in the wrong place at the wrong time and an officers would make sure to intimidate me and talk down to me. Convince me that I was an awful person for making a mistake. If I had a mental breakdown in public someone instead of trying to console me would try to put me down because I was misbehaving. This happened twice once by a police officers another by a very conservative elderly gentleman. This doesn’t cover any of the bullying I received from middle school to mid highschool. When I was a kid I used to fight but when you’re older there’s repercussions for standing up for yourself. I tried telling people with power but they’d do nothing, talking never worked either. Fast forward to early adult life and it was nothing but dealing with arrogant internet conservatives who’d dehumanize an entire race with a sentence and never take responsibility for it and hide behind their freedom of speech. I thought it was a right ideology to be a dick head, but I found later that not only were some people on the left repeating the same behavior but there were others on the right who were decent. The deferitating factor was that the “bad people” were the ones who blidly followed power hungry monsters, because they believed these monsters would save them. All they’d have to do is sell their souls. So I began to hate government as a whole. This isn’t to say i’m beyond seeing the good it can do, or acknowledging good politicians, but I will recognize the evil it’s capable of, and if I can help make people strong, capable and stand up for myself either through confrontation or through my work maybe I can silence the lambs.

So after all that were back to the mean deli lady who throws a fit when it takes me 3 more seconds to decide what kind of chicken I want. Who gets mad when I need to get her attention by saying “Um, excuse me” (not in the snotty way in the passive way). Who thinks i’m dramatic for politely trying to get her attention and when explaining that I have a limited amount of time says it’s not her problem, which it FUCKING IS BECAUSE I’M A CUSTOMER, DEAR JESUS SHE BETTER NOT TREAT OUR CUSTOMERS LIKE THIS, FUCKING COW.’ Who when I tell her I would like a roll says “I KNOW HOW TO DO MY JOB, THANKS.” Yeah her. That fucking angsty python. Upfront being whiny in the morning and irresponsible is one thing (but shouldn’t be a thing) but being flat out mean at your job to someone who’s just trying to get food is UNACCEPTABLE *LEMON GRAB FROM ADVENTURE TIME SCREAM* Today she was much more cranky than usual and I was even nice enough to apologize. I got up to the deli counter and got her attention while she was slicing meat. Now, everyone does that, customers or employees, if people want shit they ask. Still I see where she was coming from this time to a point. I say “Hey how’s it going?” And she immediately throw a tantrum like a 5 year old “UGH DON’T GO TRYING TO GET PEOPLES ATTENTION WHEN THEY’RE USING THE CUTTING BOARD, GOT THAT?! I COULD HAVE CUT MY HAND OFF?” The temptation to use her own words against her was strong, just saying “That’s not my problem.” Would have been class A douche baggery and I kind of regret not saying it just to feel powerful and as an added bonus rub her big fat pig nose in how much of a terrible person she is. The temptation to also say “Yeah my bad, I should have figured a Walrus like yourself, might need those fingers of yours considering no one would ever want to stick it in either of your fat globby mouths.” That was option 2. And yes i’m going to body shame considering I've been fat all my life, so i’m taking this one as a strike on myself too just to dick her over. I picked neither. Instead I apologized considering that being a work place hazzard. You know what too, she got snippy with me after saying sorry. FUCKING CLASS A BAG OF EXCREMENT WITH TITS. I forget what she said exactly but it was really honorey’. Now was the perfect time to chew her out but I picked something relatively satisfying, which was assertion...woo....I asker her outright “Why are you always mean to me?” She deicdes to puss’ out and says “pfff have a nice day.” Yeah. Fucking coward.

The rest of the work day went by fast. I played some animal crossing in my car after that, texted my roommate who was really happy about getting the house straight, went home and ate some food and talked to Jess about her dog and how she was going to be going to a park soon. I told her i’d like to get out of the house sometime and she said I should come with her then, just not this time around the holidays because her Dad will be there and isn’t mean but may say ignorant things about trans people. She wanted to spare my feelings. I was a bit upset about her referring to me as “trans” in reference to things as opposed to “female” or even “trans female”. Like..I get that’s what’s recognized by society but I want to feel like a normal girl, and the trans thing is only there to clarify issues in my mind. I need to tell her later so that way she knows. She was really cool, because after my nap she made me and her best friend dinner. We watched a movie about some guy running from the government and taking down agents. I naturally thought of a scenario with me and my Uncle with the government job. I pictured him being a spooky government agent, and that I was the secret experiment. That’d be quite the confrontation. Weird timing on that movie too considering what happened on Thanksgiving. I did a bit of homework and played more animal crossing after this, and got on Facebook for a little while to talk about if we lost the ability to use websites for free, and how we’d have to turn to books. Two of my close friends posted about how it would be inconvenient for people who are incapable, poor, etc. It was kind of mind numbing considering they seemed to be wanting to make me more considerate. Though that would be irreverent in a hypothetical situation where what you have to work with is the only option. I told them I was trying to explain preparation if things went south as opposed to wanting to debate social justice. I think they understood. One of them told me about a programs that read text via the internet and stuff. That’s kinda cool. Well i’m tired so that ends things for today, thank God. I’ll probably edit this later if I realize it’s too insulting, I don’t want anyone not involved to feel bad. I’m just beyond mad. Also i’m fat and if you’re fat i’m sure you look great and wear it well, my insults are to be directed at this one person.

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 31 Horrible start to a wonderful day

I get up a little earlier than usual. It’s 3:13 am and I head straight for the kitchen after putting on some boxers and a shirt. I make more leftovers because they’re fucking delicious and I don’t want to be tired like I was yesterday. This was mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 was getting on tumblr and thinking I had more time than I thought I had. I was smart enough to shower quick, brush my teeth and get ready right on time. I’d have to rush to work lest I be about 2 minutes late, but that was bad too. I didn’t give myself any extra time. So it’s dark as hell this morning, more than usual. Maybe it’s that ghost monster taking me to the upside down (from stranger things). That would explain why things are cold, and it’s a little harder to breath this morning. A big problem happens because it’s really dark, and i’m still kinda tired from yesterday for some reason, probably sleep debt. I look at my gps and it says i’ll arrive late. I freak out and start calling my work to tell them but it’s before 5am so I get a voice mail. I wait till after 5am but that fails too. In a panic I forget where the exit was so to speak, the darkness not helping the situation. I notice I miss the exit. I have to re-route my gps as i’m cussing up a storm in fear that the aggravating “get there when it opens” customers will be upset. The only one I can excuse is this baker guy who has to get up early to open his bakery, he’s cool. I worry about the baker guy and breaking his heart for some reason and this upsets me more.I almost miss the second exit, and find out from my phone i’ll be 16 minutes late. I speed. 16 minutes almost becomes 10 minutes, until I notice a cop ahead on the road as I slow down before reaching his car. The cop after I get up the street turns his lights on. I’m so angry part of me is waiting for him to pull me over and lecture me about potentially hurting someone, just so I can call him a pig for pulling over someone in the early ass morning when no one is on the road, just to he can feel self righteous. It takes me a minute or so that doing so would be really douchey. It then crosses my mind that maybe he’s a decent cop and wants to check if i’m a drunk driver and then would let me off with a warning. This situation is avoided as he stops following me. Thank fuck. I called my work again before getting there and one of the morning staff stockers open and explained to me she unlocked the doors and delt with customers accordingly. She sounded both disappointed and relieved. I got to work around 5:13 which wasn’t too bad for being late. The morning front end manager didn’t seem to care too much, she was just glad I was there because another employee had been calling in sick all the time in the morning shifts. The front in manager kinda had so much anger built up towards her, that she neglected to address how irresponsible I was. Lying to her midly helped ease her tensions. I said a trucker cut me off to avoid embarrassment and make it seem less like my fault. I did take responsibility for sleeping in late and saying it was also sort of my fault. I couldn’t bring myself to fully lie, I respect my job too much, but I was too tired and stressed to risk a lecture or even worse letting the front in manager down. She was already worried about the other girl being irresponsible, I didn’t want her to worry about me too. I was already off the hook before I explained myself, so I guess no harm no foul? I’ll just have to atone for lying somehow, maybe i’ll eventually tell her the truth if I don’t forget..which I probably will. So this work day was nuts. With the one girl gone, and the upfront manager along with her associate trying to figure out my breaks I was on for about 4 hours with little help (Though the front in people tried really hard to help, but were busy due to the nature of their work). Luckily I was able to still get a lunch, and they said I could stay 15 minutes later to make up for lost time. This was extremely lucky all things considered. The break room had a thing of crackers from a thanksgiving party from a few days ago, so that was free breakfast, and on lunch I got a chicken thigh for a dollar. Everyone despite the lines was really nice and patient luckily and there weren’t any crazy people. I got an oil change on my car after I left work, and I was treated to the dealerships lounge which came with complementary food of all sorts, oh and massage chairs. It wasn’t just snack food either, they had hot dogs, personal pizzas, and hot sandwiches too. Oh and Starbucks brand coffee. BEST SHIT EVER. I had a bag of lays chips, two cookies, two cups of coffee, and a hot sandwich. I honestly could have eaten much more, being a fatass foodie in all, but I was too embarrassed. I got a nice back massage too. Needless to say the service took two and half hours as opposed to one hour, but the lunge made it much easier. I was only worried about taking my pills on time, but with the coziness of the lounge my anxiety was down. Got to pick up my car, and my tires got rotated and I think they gave me an oil change without putting it on the service paper. The car ran like it got premium oil instead of the normal shit, and there was an oil change sticker on the wind shield. Leaving the dealership went well, had another cop behind me but she laid off and didn’t stalk me, which is nice. Most of my favorite songs played on the radio back to back on the ride home, only to get back to the apartment with the spirit to clean everything on a full belly. Turned on some rock music and hammered away at all the chores and got everything looking nice on top of finding a secret 10$ bill in my wallet. Best of all my tiredness went away as did my fatigue and depression for the day, which is sweet. All in all it’s been a good day.

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evelyntransitions-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 30 Sleepy Ebi

So yesterday was a trainwreck. I was extremely tired from running around so much on thanksgiving and my lack of sleep from the night before (Thought I had to wake up early to go to my aunts). I went to bed around 1:30am and had to wake up at 3:00am to get ready for work, and as an added bonus I forgot to take my medication before bed. What’s even better is that the medicine causes fatigue, dizziness and drowsiness so it must be taken before bed. One of the pills happens to be for treating my anxiety (though it’s typical use is to treat bi-polar and seizures which I have neither of. Just moodiness and shakes from anxiety). So I have this horrible nightmare that a ghost girl slams my door open and like the Mind Flayer from strange things turns into a sentient virus fog and shovels itself into my mouth. I imagined Jesus in my room in the dream and he pulled it out luckily but it was scary as fuck, because the ghost abomination disappeared through the wall at the end of my dream, just like in Stranger Things. So I wake up as this happens, not having taken my anxiety pills and feeling like the ghost is still in the house. To add insult to injury I didn’t remember that I forgot to take my anxiety pills. When I go to take a shower i’m in deep shit between glancing at the dark perliless hallway, only dimly lit by my roomates nightlate (which she keeps in the hallway to not stumble around in the dark) and this big empty void ready to suck out my soul. I dash into the bathroom and close the door behind me, making sure to lock it and then double check that I locked it. I get butt naked and head into the shower but all I can see out of the corner of my eye is the fucking door. I’m ready for that door to burst open and blam! GHOST ABOMINATION READY TO TAKE OVER MY BODY WAHAHHHHHH AHHHH. Nope. I’m able to take a paranoid shower. I have to poop right after, so now i’m on the potty, fuggin’ door still looking at me while the roaring sound of the vents blowing out air, along with the steam from the shower makes the room seem like some type of fog chamber. It’s like i’m silent hill on crack. I promptly wipe my ass, wash my hands and brush my teeth, all the while feeling like there’s something behind me ready to snatch me up and drag me down to hell, which is extremely doltish considering I can see behind me just fine thanks to the mirror. At this point it hits me “I didn’t take my fucking medicine” I think to myself. This is a blessing, because that means it’s more than likely my anxiety fucking with him. Unfortunately this is also a curse, because now I have to take medicine that makes me God awful tired. So I take the pills and rush to work, and thank heavens I wasn’t ready to fall asleep on the road.

Boy when the medicine kicked in let me tell you, it was bigger nightmare than any imaginary ghost monster. It’s about 7am and the tired just hits me and it doesn’t stop. I never thought it possible to fall asleep standing up but I was getting close. So i’m in front of my register checking people out as I phase between conscious and semi conscious. Not just like “extremely tired” oh no, this is worse. I’m slipping between falling into a dream, and still being awake. I’m talking with my eyes closed about 50% of the time, and forcing myself not to lean on anything and keep my mouth moving before the sandman pets my head right before seducing me and making me bite the damn pillow. I’m trying to make this look as natural as possible, as I memorize the movements of the managers best I can, and where they are in the store at what point in time, which helps me keep my brain racing. Racey brain, less chance of falling asleep, if I still have a dose of that anxiety now is the time. Anxiety take the wheel, I don’t want to cruize into the big fat ditch of getting fired. I’m trying to make this look as natural as possible but most customers don’t by it. Immediately everyone becomes Mona from Persona 5. I get a lot of “You look like you’re really tired and “When are you getting out of here; you should get some sleep.” I just kinda nod and close my eyes to answer them. Eventually break time comes and though as far as I remember from getting the handbook when I first started working here, falling asleep at work gets you immediately fired. I didn’t know if that counted on breaks, but I was willing to take the risk. I set a few alarms on my phone, scooched down some paper towels over the ganky ass, crumb crustey, mystery stained break room table I was sitting at and passed out. I got lucky and was able to wake up in time thanks to my alarms. I get off break and the rest of the day is half way decent in terms of tired. I’m still beyond exhausted for the whole time. When I left the store though, turns out I feel fine for some reason. I think this is what they call a “Second Wind.” I used it up to head to Gamestop and buy some Christmas gifts for some friends and an Itunes gift card to buy stuff on animal crossing. I was thinking about getting Pokemon but it was out of my budget and wolfenstine was 67% off, but I was worried that i’d over play it and run up the electric bill. So I settled with what I had, paid and left. When I got home I left a nice note to my roommate explaining that I was happy she accepted me as female, and trusted me to share an apartment with her despite my gonads. That on top of helping me get some space from my parents. I added her early Christmas gift to this. When she got home she was really happy with the note and the gift, though the Vynal I got her was one she already had. I think she was trying to thank me, or making me feel more like a normal girl, because she asked me if I wanted to help her pick out an outfit. She was going out with a friend of hers, but didn’t know to what degree, this making the outfit creating process difficult. I let her try on one pair of my pants, because they went with a jacket she had, but the pants were to big around the ankles so that outfit didn’t work so well. I forgot what she decided on, but i’m sure it was cute. I don’t even know if I remember seeing it. I ate thanksgiving leftovers soon after, did some laundry, set some alarms and passed out. Really early too probably around 6pm. I was smart this time and set one of the alarms for a good time to take my medicine in the middle of the night and went back to bed afterwards. Though that didn’t circumvent the stupid that happened today/this morning.

#evelyntransitions #trans #transgender #transition

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