ex-rkluhan

[ex-rkluhan]

happy birthday to my one and only ❤︎ @ex-rkluhan

“You’re doing that thing again,” he laughed, though light and his eyes unmoving from the boy above him as his fingers slowly made their way under his shirt. “Where you go all cute and it leaves me breathless.”

china circa 2016 : 

“don’t wanna get out of bed.”

“babe, you have class.”

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[ex-rkluhan]

layhan’s happiness ♥  requested by Jenny (^з^)-☆

[ex-rkluhan]

执子之手,与子偕老。

the first things to get packed away are the photos. frames and books and polaroids, memories caught in a single split second. the next to get packed away are his clothes and shoes, just enough to last him a month or so, until he can find a job in changsha. the rest he sends off to the local youth center he taught at, to be donated. the last thing he packs up is his memory box, carefully wrapped in plastic bubbles and foam peanuts in a box far too big for its size but still just right. it contains all the most important pieces of his history in a box for shoes that didn't even belong to him.

the bed, the bedsheets, the television, his air soft guns, they're all just materials. what he can, he donates, the rest---kitchenware, the giant shark in the living room, various other furnitre---he quietly leaves to hakyeon, hoping that whatever roommate takes his place will find it useful. these are just things. luhan doesn't need them. he has the memories.

the last thing he picks up in his room is his birthday present from yixing, the scrapbook filled to the brim with their entire lifetime together, the empty pages still waiting to be filled. if luhan hadn't already been a million percent sure that leaving was what he needed to do, this would solidify it, the empty pages, the story still yet to be told.

he'd never experienced such a moment of clarity as he had a week ago when he'd stepped off the plane from changsha, that this place was no longer where he belonged. his entire world didn't depend on yixing, no, but this has never been luhan's dream. chasing fame, becoming an idol, these had all been secondary to wanting to stand on stage beside yixing, not for him. all he'd wanted was to make a living from dancing, and it's something he could do opening up his own dance studio back in his home country.

and maybe, just maybe, he and yixing could still stand together on a stage, maybe not one as grand as they had always envisioned, but a stage nonetheless, surrounded by students they'd taught to chase their own dreams as well.

no, yixing isn't the only thing in his univers, but yixing is home, and seoul hasn't felt welcoming since the day yixing left.

strangely, he feels a sense of calm seeing his entire life packed away in a few cardboard boxes, and his room doesn't feel as empty as it should. it feels like a chapter closing, but he doesn't panic because he knows a new one is about to begin. the hard part is wrapping up the loose ends.

the next morning, he almost doesn't want to get out of bed, but it's a different feeling than it's been the past few weeks. this time it's not dread or listlessness or a sense of feeling lost that weighs his body down but the words that are already caught in his throat. the goodbyes, the see you laters, the impending separation. he knows that with technology there is no true farewell, but it doesn't make the daunting task seem any easier.

he says goodbye to his fellow trainees, his friends---joey, soohyun, sungkyung, nana, jihyun, key, hongbin, yien, jackie chan sunbae (who actually cries, to luhan's surprise), jieun, everyone he's come into contact with, anyone who's helped him in anyway. he says goodbye to them all with as cheery a disposition as he can because he'd rather leave on fond memories than on tearful goodbyes. (it's selfish, he knows, but that is still a part of him he's working on).

to those who were not royal trainees or employees but were still dear to him nonetheless, he did the best he could, sending text messages littered with bad jokes and humor because it's how he wants to be remembered. he's sure his phone has never had to work so hard in his life.

by the time he's done with everything, it's three in the morning, and though the hour is no stranger, he feels exhausted. he lays back on sheets that are no longer his, burrows into a mattress and pillow that he's given away and stares at the ceiling. insomnia has been a constant in his life he's been unable to shake but it feels different now. instead of a listlessness and inability to let sleep come, it's an excitement that keeps adrenaline rushing through his veins.

the morning brings a new chapter. he leaves his apartment for the last time and never looks back, boards the plane and looks down at the cityscape of seoul without an inch of regret.

when he arrives in changsha, he's welcomed back with wide open arms, grins that reaches the eyes of those he loves most, and an embrace that no one on earth could ever match. it's in this embrace that luhan feels the most whole, feels at home, and it's here that luhan belongs, no matter what country, planet, universe.

luhan belongs with yixing. that's just always how it's been.

things aren't perfect; of course they aren't. how can they be when he left his home of six years so suddenly? he still has to look for work, save up enough to buy a studio, find a studio worthy enough to put his name on it, find a place to live (though, in all honesty, yixing and his family offering to house him "for the time being" doesn't really give him any sense of urgency), get enough students so that he could do that full time, but even with such a long to-do list, he feels at peace.

he has everything he needs in his arms. and there's no greater feeling than that.

[ex-rkluhan]

That Good Good

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Uploaded on August 08, 2015 This is going to be the last one for a while. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed creating it. Take care, everyone. Until next time. This isn’t the last you’ll see of me, I promise.

[ex-rkluhan]

灯不拨不亮，理不辩不明。

it's hard to breathe, and it feels like there's a heavy weight on his chest and something constricting his heart. the walk through the airport feels like a dream, so surreal that he has to pinch himself several times to remind himself that he's alive, living, breathing. everything seems familiar, but at the same time, everything feels foreign.

he doesn't remember taking a bus to his apartment, nor entering unoccupied space. all he remembers is opening the door and being welcome by an overwhelming sense of emptiness. this isn't his home.

he abandons his suitcase in the living room and proceeds to his bedroom where he throws himself onto his bed. with his stomach against the mattress and cheek pressed to his pillow, his eyes gaze all around him, at all the things he's managed to accumulate over the years he's spent in seoul---all his clothes, his furniture, various little trinkets, pieces of paper, cds, memorabilia. and yet, none of it seemed to matter. none of it made any of this enclosed space feel like home.

he sits up, resting his feet flat against the ground, lets his elbows dig into his thighs as he leans forward, runs his hands over his face. for the weeks leading up to yixing's birthday, during all the planning and excitement, he'd been filled with so much energy, excitement. now, with the thought of having to go back to work the next day...he couldn't say he was sad, nor angry, nor disappointed.

he just feels empty, and perhaps that's even worse.

yixing had told him to make sure he wouldn't regret anything if he was going to let go, and now, luhan knows he won't. nothing has ever been more clear than this moment.

he doesn't belong here. not anymore.

[ex-rkluhan]

山雨欲来风满楼。

he sits on the front doorstep of the zhang family resident, face lifted upward and eyes closed, absorbing the healing warmth of the afternoon sun. a gentle breeze passes by, its fleeting fingertips leaving goosebumps along his arms and sending shivers down his spine. wisps of unkempt hair do a brief dance with the winds before they’re gone, leaving only a distinct feeling of calm and serenity.

he’s content, at peace, and it’s something he hasn’t felt for a very long time.

long eyelashes flutter, giving way to the opening of eyelids and the reveal of gentle brown eyes. he sees blues and puffs of white and a sky he no longer wishes to ascend into to return to a place he truly can no longer call home.

it’s been a week since he’s left seoul. it’s been a week since he’s stepped foot in a practice room, a week since he’s been berated by harsh coaches, a week since he’s even thought about any of the things he’s taken a break from or left behind. he always knew it would be difficult to go back, that maybe it would hurt more than when yixing had to leave, that maybe he wouldn’t be able to, that maybe he wouldn’t want to.

he doesn’t want to.

sitting on the doorstep of a place that has felt more like a home than any other place in the world, knowing the people inside love him just as much as he loves them, knowing that he’s never felt more contented, more whole than he has in the past seven days, makes it difficult.

knowing he would have no regrets in staying makes it damn near impossible.

the sound of a door creaking open startles him, makes him jump up as if he’s been caught doing he isn’t supposed to (and maybe he is). the look of worry he’s greeted with is all too familiar---a fact luhan still regrets---but it’s soothing all the same.

“what are you doing out here? didn’t you hear mom calling you for lunch?”

luhan tries to smile, but his facade is broken long before he can even pretend nothing is wrong. what remains is an empty smile, a hallow laugh. “yeah, i’ll be right in.”

“talk about it later?”

luhan nods, flashes another half smile. “yeah. later.”

[ex-rkluhan]

luhahaha to my anchor, my pillar, my biggest supporter, my best friend. happy birthday, zhang yixing! i’ve given you the best gift: me! ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ birthday party photoshoot requested by mama zhang~ i love surprise parties! ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

[ex-rkluhan]

rkhongbin:

Hongbin was thinking it was about time he started going out more. He was told not to because they didn’t want him getting hurt, but it had been nearly a year since Dream High started, so maybe it would be okay to go out. He really wished for a change of scenery every once in a while. The Royal building was getting stale, otherwise.

“… The shoe brand?” Hongbin questioned, raising a brow. It took him a moment before he blushed, “O-Oh, that Adidas… Adonis is a Greek thing, right?”

There he goes, proving he didn’t spend much time in school. He had no idea what the other was talking about when he said Adonis and he should have just smiled and nodded instead of saying anything.

When the other tried telling him about his day, Hongbin nodded. He had those days too. Today was an okay day. Nothing bad, but it wasn’t exceptional either. It was just an ordinary day for him. “Mm, I have those days. My day has been fine. Nothing bad, nothing great. Just a normal day. I kind of tune out of everything after a while. No real complaints.”

“Shoe brand...?” Luhan furrowed his brows in confusion, thrown by the sudden change of subject. It took several moments for everything to click, at which point he let out a hearty laugh, reaching out and patting the younger on the back, sympathizing with him. Luhan would probably have said something similar if he hadn’t met a girl who had referred to him as such before. He wondered briefly where she was at that moment; he hadn’t seen her in ages.

Shaking off the thought, Luhan directed his attention back to Hongbin, the words he was saying. The kid seemed to have gone through more things someone his age should, much like himself. Perhaps it was why Luhan had opened himself up to the younger so easy. Their situations were different, but they shared similarities, perhaps not in events, but in how much they had to go through before adulthood could even touch them.

“Doesn’t it make you just wanna shake things up?” Luhan asked then, a mischievous grin spreading across his features. He’d never been one for rules and regulations, but even if he was a constant pain in the ass for coaches and fellow trainees alike, he still abode by most of the rules set by the company. Doing so for so long was wearing him thin; he wondered how he was still lasting after all this time. “Stage a rebellion, peaceful protest...” He turned to look at his friend, laughter spilling from his lips. “Things like that?”

( the hardest thing ) lhb * lh

[ex-rkluhan]

( do it for the vine ) * lbh & lh

Luhan doesn’t even have a Vine account, but that doesn’t stop him from gallivanting around the Royal building with his GoPro screaming bloody murder the phrase at every trainee he sees. Most give him strange looks, others are more than happy to oblige (even if Luhan doesn’t exactly give them anything to do), and others still tell him to fuck off (those are the ones he flips off on camera before scurrying off to find trainees who aren’t absolutely bitter they haven’t debuted yet).

He thinks he has enough footage now to create a short Youtube video (for a private video, since some of the kids he’d filmed aren’t public trainees yet) when he realizes one of his most important allies against the dark forces the meaner coaches isn’t included yet. He feels appalled he’s overlooked this, and without a second thought, he takes off in a sprint, headed to God knew where because he’s not even exactly sure where Joey is at the moment. It seems luck is on his side when he spots the shorter male in the not too far distance, but even with the length of an entire hallway between them, Luhan screams out the boy’s name, followed by his war cry of the day.

“Joey! Do it or the Vine!”

[ex-rkluhan]

luhahaha where in the world is carmen han diego :---))

[ex-rkluhan]

1000 years ;

rksoohyun:

au: soohyun is blind, and it’s been years since they last saw each other. ( she’d be age 22 ), they meet each other again and luhan has no idea about her latest condition.

glasses adorn her face, and her cane taps at the ground to the beat in her head. darkness– it’s been dark for so long, she’s used to it, her imagination works to let her remember what it was like to see how sunny it was. but she feels the sun on her skin, at least she feel something. she walks down the street her white lace sundress, swishes as the wind flows gently, her hands reach to pull the skirt of her dress. Until her cane bumps onto someone’s foot, unfocused of course she nervously bows in the direction she thinks the person is in.

“I’m really sorry.” her voice is still light and clear, smiling a bit, “Can you tell me where you are– so I can bow.. um, can you say something?”

They always talked about how busy he would be when he debuted, but he never realized exactly how busy until he’d actually done it. As expected, a group debuted by Royal Entertainment, headlined by power vocalist Daehyun and Dream High’s Lee Hongbin did well enough on the charts and among fangirls, enough that Luhan could hardly go out anymore without throngs of management and security, and a cap and sunglasses he pretends is enough to escape crazed fans. It’s a miracle he was able to find a quiet part of Yeouido Hangang Park—his local stomping ground before all of this—to relax and catch his breath from a lifestyle that requires so much of him.

At first he’d thought the tap was some crazed fangirl grabbing him from underneath the park bench (he’d honestly seen worse), but he looks up and feels an overwhelming sense of familiarity, the girl’s apology forgotten. “Soohyun?”

He’d recognize her sweet face anywhere.

[ex-rkluhan]

He’s already on his way, a few steps toward the destination but turns at Jongdae’s question, an unstoppable burst of laughter bursting from his lips, creasing the corners of his eyes into the infamous wrinkles associated with happier times. “Come now,” he says, speaking with an easy confidence that extends past his words and through his entire existence. “Do I look like a man who second guesses himself?” An eyebrow raises, as does one corner of his lips, a lopsided smile that completes his look of vague arrogance, a well-practiced countenance he’s perfected over all the years he’s been alive. He then takes a few steps back and, with all his years of always crossing thin lines, throws an arm around his new friend, leading him away from their spot of first meeting and toward creating new memories while eating the best fried chicken in the area. “You’ve got to have a little faith in me. After all, I’m going to rule the planet some day, aren’t I?”

blinding — lh & kjd

Luhan strikes Jongdae as being the kind of guy that was popular in high school — the kind of kid that didn’t like Jongdae, or pretended they did for their own benefit. But Jongdae didn’t get those vibes from him at all. He had the confidence and the charm of the kids that ‘raked in the ladies’, but none of the unsettling churning that those types left in Jongdae’s stomach was apparent as Jongdae spoke to him. “Hmm? You do?” He smiles, just catching the wink that follows Luhan’s words, his knees buckling just slightly. It’s embarrassing how weak he really is; how little control he has if someone just has the right few words. It’s always been something he isn’t overly proud of, but old habits die hard. “Y-yeah, that sounds good.” He nods excitably, quickly narrowing his eyes and tilting his head to the side with curiosity. “You sure?” Maybe it’s dumb to double check, but he had felt the urge before he could fight it back. It doesn’t seem dumb to him, but then, he’s never been particularly normal. 

[ex-rkluhan]

( next top ramen ) * lsk & lh

Saturday afternoon gives way to Saturday evening, sky alight with hues of orange and pink as the sun sets over the horizon. A grumble of discomfort from his stomach serves as the OST for the quaint atmosphere as he walks side by side with Sungkyung, having nearly starved himself all day in order to prepare himself for what would transpire that evening (he’d only had a sandwich and a half bag of family-sized chips for lunch!). Playfully, he nudges his friend with his shoulder, egging on her competitive nature with the widest of grins.

Sure, he could have told her that he’d been the resident ramen-eating king at Royal since before she’d even been accepted as a trainee, but he considers that information quid pro quo, and he hasn’t received any information he deems suitable. Besides, it won’t make too terrible a difference in the ramen eating contest they’re about to enter, really competing between the two of them than the tens of people who have chosen to enter as well. After all, a competitive nature is really what drives these kinds of events, and he knows well enough that between them, it’s a trait they share.

“You’re goin down,” he says, nudging her again, expression smug, begging for a punch to the face. “You ready?”

[ex-rkluhan]

It was always nice to be out of the Royal building when the sun was high in the sky, rather than as it rose or sunk beneath the horizon. He’d often mused how strange it was that the only way to see natural light was through the windows, and no matter how many times he’d sneak up to the roof to get a breath of fresh air, it was infinitely better to be out, walking underneath it, harvesting its warmth and Vitamin D for himself. His eyebrows rose at the passersby, their giggles infiltrating his ear drums.

“You must be an Adonis after all,” Luhan mused with a chuckle in his words, throwing his hands up in the air to clasp behind his head, at the base of his neck. He wasn’t exactly sure where they were headed, but with Hongbin’s footsteps naturally leading, Luhan wasn’t all that worried about it.

“My day so far...” He took a small breath, inhaled as his mind quickly recounted the past several hours, exhaled as he couldn’t dredge up anything particularly great or dismal about it. “Just so so,” he says honestly, a aint smile upon his lips. There was still the overlay of his best friend’s missing presence, and there always would be as long as distance separated them, but he was coping. “Taking everything one step at a time and trying not to lose focus.” He glanced at Hongbin through his peripherals, eyes still mainly focused forward. “What about you?”

( the hardest thing ) lhb * lh

Hongbin was someone who took things to heart, but he knew Luhan was sad with the lose of his friend and roommate. Luhan had told him his history with Yixing and that is something Luhan should always treasure. He only hoped things grew easier for the other. He hated to see people hurting, especially people he considered close friends. The best he could do for Luhan to is help him through everything. 

The male hummed as he walked along with the other, keeping up his pace with the older male. He wasn’t sure what he was in the mood for. He ate pretty much the same meals everyday at Royal, so anything that he could genuinely enjoy and not feel guilty about was good. Soup, or burgers? Both sounded good, but they didn’t grab at his attention.

However, when the male mentioned fried chicken, Hongbin nodded, smiling at the other, “Sure, let’s go with that.”

There were hundreds of choices, but Hongbin had been up and down the Dongdaemun area throughout the last year and a half. Hongbin knew exactly where the closest fried chicken place was. His hands rested in his pockets as he walked beisde the other, bowing to a group of girls as they passed. He heard giggling behind them and he looked at Luhan with a smile, “So, how is your day going?”

[ex-rkluhan]

You're told that your career has come down to singing or dancing. But if you pick singing, you can't dance anymore. If you dance, you'll see the stage only a few times as a back-up dancer. Which would you choose if it meant doing that until your contract ran out?

“This one’s a no brainer,” he says with confidence, eyes bright with a smile to match. “Dancing has always been my thing. Singing has always been secondary, just something to refine during training. If I can’t dance, then what’s the point of the stage?”

[ex-rkluhan]

♫!!!!!!!!!!!!!

time please stop – davichi

stop right there before i show tearsstop right there before separation comesso you can’t leave, so you can’t abandon me and leavefrom here on, time please stop

his parched throat is constricting and his lips are dry, cracking under the pressure of the ticking clock. the room is eerily still and quiet, so much so that luhan believes it should be dark and grim, but he has to deal with the cast of bright light bouncing off the reflective walls instead. his heart beats hard against his chest, and if it weren’t for the sound of the machines that breathe life, he swears he’d hear his own heart beating, a loud thrum to the beat of an argentine tango.

he waits for her to wake in silence.

he can recall exactly how many days he’s been at her side because he remembers his twenty-second birthday well. it’s been a little more than five months, and there’s only half an hour left now before she’ll no longer need the hospital bed.

she stirs and he sits up quickly, hand reaching out to grab the filled glass on the bedside table. she smiles softly, and he distracts her from his beating heart by offering her a sip of ice water.

“what time is it?” she asks, and it’s his turn to be distracted, from the concept of time, from impending separation.

he focuses instead on the loose threads on her blanket, on the beeping of the heart monitor. “nine thirty,” he says as he places the glass down, its contents half emptied. “you should get more rest.”

she coughs, though she tries to cover it up with the laughter she forces to accompany it. “i’ll get plenty once i’m gone.”

“don’t.”

he scolds her with his furrowed brows and pleading eyes but her own gaze is diverted elsewhere, at the window that leads to the cool autumn scenery outside, at dancing of the leaves, slowly beginning to change color. he exhales softly, a quiet sigh as he glances up at the clock that separates them.

“don’t remind me,” he tells her, but he’s a liar. she doesn’t have to remind him—it’s all he’s been able to think about for the past two weeks since the doctor told her the news.

light laughter flutters off pink tiers, temporarily fills the room with with a lightheartedness he hasn’t felt in years, a feeling of surrealism and imagination. it reminds him of the first time they met, in that very same hospital room. they’d both been in better health then, having been admitted around the same time. back then, they didn’t know how long they’d be staying, and only considered one possible way to leave: on a wheelchair, going home.

luhan knew now the other side of that bleak coin.

“are you going to miss me?” she says distractedly, fingers absentmindedly tracing patterns on her thigh.

“of course,” he says without hesitation. of that much, at least, he is certain.

“how are you ever going to survive without me?”

the words sting much more than the lighthearted tone with which she’d said them and he tries not to let the bitterness mar the curt laughter he forces out of his lips. he doesn’t answer her because he doesn’t know how to, because he’s still afraid to say what he needs to before she’s gone.

“im jinah?”

the foreign voice grants him reprieve and snaps them both out of the bubble they’d formed around themselves. the nurse is a familiar face, and the lines at the corners of her eyes seem deeper, darker, more prominent than it’s been all the years that she’s worked there.

“your father is here to take you home.”

jinah’s face immediately lights up and she’s glowing and happy and elated and absolutely beautiful, but all luhan can think is no.

no, no, no.

he was supposed to have fifteen more minutes to tell her.

things happen too quickly after that. the clock that had been ticking at the speed of a snail suddenly speeds up to a pace to which he cannot catch up, and all he can do is silently beg for it to slow down, to just stop moving. but she’s standing on her own two feet now, being led to the wheelchair that will bring her home where she’ll recover, be able to see the world they’ve both missed for so long. then she’s at the door, hand waving, the brightness of her future lighting up her features.

his mind snaps a photo of her pure and innocent smile, and the words he wanted to say lock themselves in his throat because he can’t bear to be the one to take it off her face.

a split second passes, and she’s gone.

“congratulations, jinah. you’ve made a fine recovery.”

luhan lies back into his bed, chest heavy, as if the weight of the entire world lays on it. he’s unsure how much time has passed now, with nurses and doctors coming and going, somber, quiet. the room is now dreary and dark, just as he thought it should be, and breathing, as labored as its always been, seems even more difficult to do now. he looks down at his hands, all skin and bones with knuckles that protrude far too much and fingers that appear as if they’ll snap at any second.

“lu han…i’m afraid i don’t have such good news for you.”

he closes eyes, a feeling of fatigue overwhelming him.

“jinah.”

alarms go off in the distance, but he pays them no mind.

“lu han.”

electricity, a bright, white light.

“you’ll be gone in two weeks.”

he struggles, and then he doesn’t. just before he goes, he utters the words he’d been too afraid to say to the bright sun that had kept him going for the past two weeks.

“good bye.”

[ex-rkluhan]

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