exoulisis

[exoulisis]

right angle triangles and the wishing well

let me sing for forevermore

all i long for and adore

is God

but i cant have Him because i need to do math homework

in other words

the world sucks

i know i quit medium and thats because of school its not my fault. do you expect me to quit school?

i already tried that

then i realised we have to sustain ourselves

but how do we sustain ourselves and be with God at the same time?

i want to run away and be alone where i dont have to worry about family saving me

i guess ill just go to the wishing well

wish for something more than this

my entire personality is built off what other people want for me

im imprisoned in morality

i never thought i’d say this but can you just stop caring?

you can just go and ill be okay because i have God

but you’ll never understand

what a wonderful world..

whats the thing that keeps you alive?

for me its God

that little string of hope left inside me clouded by the work and the work and the money

do you binge? do you stay high all your life?

do you annoy people? is that joy or simply laughter?

cmd delete

i dont have pain to numb. i want to be alone except with God

but you dont believe me

so you want me to live like this?

i cant watch another minute of TV

i dont even miss her.. them

they were nothing

God ive never even asked you because it seems impossible but i will after this

to free me

the wishing well

i wish i was special

im just a joke

did shakespeare want to be studied in order to get a mark to go on a completely different endeavour?

did pythagoras want people not using his theorem to learn it?

can i just be obscure?

i shouldn’t bother

just stick to the plan they gave you

please can a million dollars just drop in my lap

someone? anyone?

i cry and i beg and i pray

dont leave me solving right angle triangles and trigonometric ratios

“Finding an unknown angle in right-angled triangles”

are you reading this or are you just looking at it?

just looking at the letters

just scrolling

and scrolling

and

scrolling

and scrolling

but thats me too sometimes

its easier than going to the wishing well

its easier than acknowledging our wishes because then we know what we dont have

but all i want is to lose everything

starving writer? a starving street preacher

i wanna become friends with that starving street saxophone player

i can take it and bear it but that doesnt mean i dont hate it

but i dont know for how much longer

Angles of elevation and depression

love

escapism

what’s the answer?

beg and beg God.

i will

beg and beg and beg

expectantly

and

i believe

i believe

it will happen

are you a publisher?

[exoulisis]

Murderer James W. Rodgers was put in front of a firing squad in Utah and asked if he had a last request. He replied, “Bring me a bullet-proof vest.”

somethings happened to me

ive been feeling disgusted by writing. ive started hating it. this worries me

i dont think ive ever made it this far on a singular project. its like my brain is repelling me away because its a new record for me.

i have to push. and thats hard because it’s writing

its hard because im against my own brain but my brain is responsible for producing the ideas for my writing.

it’s like begging your worst enemy for some money.

if you’re here then you are a witness of the first ever time i tried when it got hard. when i really didnt want to do it. when i started hating it.

i dont even care if im losing passion for writing or if im burnt out or “writers block”. i dont care about any of it. i MUST go on.

ive gotten so far. i cant quit this now. i cant slow down now.

its so easy too. i just write about random things that come to my mind. i just write about my feelings, i just vent to nobody.

if i can’t even do that then what can i do?

this medium account is teaching me what discipline feels like. its teaching me what LIFE feels like.

are you really here?

i haven’t seen you in a while, reading this.

im losing God again. i dont even know how or why at this point. He just fades from me. i need to recommit myself to prayer and scripture i guess.

it saddens me so much.

because i know ill never be good enough for Him

i know ill never be able to stick with Him forever because ill always lose Him

it breaks me

it breaks my heart

it makes me hate myself because im not allowing myself to live

im not allowing myself to have the only thing in the entire universe thats real and not out to get me

im sorry

but how could God make it so hard for me?

He knows how weak i am

wait i cant do this now. i cant ask questions about God here because i have to ask Him directly. i cant pray in here because He said not to. i need to pray in private, in secret, alone.

but i am really just so so so so sorry to Him

because i know Hes there but im drowning down here

im drowning on this earth

in all the things of this earth

the work the stress the sadness the emotions

wont He pull me out of the bridge ive jumped off?

please

but i have to swim to His lifeboat first

and i dont know if i can because im just so weak

sad violin noises

i need Him

i need Him

i need Him

but im just

so

weak.

i think i love Him. i really think i do

do i secretly like drowning?

because i just want someone to love me. i want people to have a reason to care about me. to nurture me, to give me things.

i just want a hug

i want to be destroyed so that people finally start listening to me. instead of just waiting for their turn to get what they want

i want to breath my last breath in this water. just so my feelings are finally validated. by the ones standing at my grave and the ones looking at the news report saying “I wish I could’ve helped him”, the ones with tears saying “Why did I fail to understand him?”

i just want to be given a chance to be understood

nobody understands you until you show them why they should’ve understood you

imagine sad piano playing as someone gains awareness of all your problems and emotions and trauma. without you needing to convince them or show them evidence and text messages and security camera footage and call people

what would they do?

i dont know if they would hug me

or hit me

hit me and say “Everyone has these types of issues you disgusting egomaniac”

so then it wouldnt be sad piano. it would be the hero finally triumphing the villain

am i the villain here?

but all i want to be is broken

shattered into a million pieces and everyone rushes over to piece me back together

but im actually alone and i dont even have the strength to pray to God because i barely even believe in Him anymore

how can i believe in Him if i dont even believe myself

how can i trust Him if i cant trust the vessel

this is my temporary euphoria for the day

“just do your best because thats all anyone can do”

so whats the point

whats the point

id do my best and get successful and then what

im just here but its dimmed

i want it erased i want it gone

i dont want makeup i want accutane

stop telling me to do what worked for you because you didnt even realise what you were doing

and for that im so, so jealous

because you’re free because you cant see the prison bars, you can just mingle in the cell believing you’re free to leave whenever

but its too late for me to live in that paradise because i know too much honey

imprisoned in my own thoughts

i love you though

im lost and you’re trying to pull me back on the right path but your right path ends in a cliff but the cliff is invisible to the naked eye

the flowers bloom in beauty and they die

can i take anything with me to death?

i don’t want to obtain the next step in your instructions

i dont want to buy things for one dollar and sell them for two

its all bland and flavourless

its all fleeting

only one thing is forever and that thing is the possible existence of a God

i don’t care if im living in obscurity so stop saying that

i dont care if you’re even Napoleon

i don’t even wanna be a writer or poet because once i choose it its over before it started. we can’t choose what we want to do we can only do what we want to do. choosing ruins the electricity and choosing ruins the reasons we choose

but i dont want to bold my own text i want someone to do it for me

i dont want to work i want to write

i dont want to write i want to be free

i dont want to be free i just want to know what i want

i dont want you anymore because i dont want to lose you

im fine staying at the shore

but is the shore sadder than the swim back?

you can iron your clothes but you can never iron ceaselessness

that crinkle stays and will always be apparent

you can hide it with accessories but you will still brush against it time to time

and you’ll be despaired once again

or is it just me who has no accessories to use?

and i thank God every day that He wont give me any because its the only thing keeping me afloat

is being stuck under the water

i like this

the “Save and Publish” button is the only thing ive found that validates my despair

or can you help me?

God I thank you

for this despair because its what makes me feel alive

can you feel that?

even without a musician caressing instruments you can still feel joy, you dont need them

but i do

because when i have that in my ear i dont have any space for me to hate myself because i don’t have space to think

i dont have space to binge or make more and more mistakes and hate myself even more

its just silent. its just stoic

i don’t know how to love myself

i don’t know how i could love someone who drowns in their own misery, seeking attention and validation while rejecting real change.

i mooch off others, indulge in instant gratification, and push away those who try to help, all while resenting myself and my situation.

i obsess over my own misery because i have nothing greater to focus on.

im stuck in nihilistic paralysis.

wait a second

wait a second…

i feel like i have deep wisdom, but ive been tricking myself all this time

there’s no point on working hard because it’ll fade and only bring us temporary satisfaction

but stagnation is worse than struggle

okay but we’re gonna die anyway so why even build things if i can stay at the baseline

but the fact that life is temporary makes it valuable, not pointless. we should make the most of it right?

but but but-

NO

we dont need a reason to do things

we just need to do the things that give meaning

it’s discovered through action

but thats not enough to break my cell bars.

but what are you afraid of?

you dont have to have it all figured out

why do you seek validation?

because i just want someone to understand me

so..

why can’t that someone be yourself?

[exoulisis]

this is my first post.

i had a thought that journaling to people may allow you to reach others who are similar to you in their values or minds or thought processes or whatever.

i journal in bullets because for some reason my thoughts come in quadrants. i can never write in a row because it becomes a big mess.

i wonder if anyone’s even going to see this. but im gonna keep posting for a while, and if i reach nobody, ill go back to my normal journal, or try another application

im lonely. i cant find anyone who’s like me. is that even possible? is it a fantasy and do i just have overly high standards? but ive never felt at home. ive never felt taken care of.

now i gotta figure out these tags… what tags do i use?