falter-your-alter

[falter-your-alter]

in 2022 and mid 2023 when the dissociation + depersonalization got really really bad for us (we had questionable irl relationships and shitty internet friends who traumatized us further while we were trying to find some escapism from our home life) we were terrified most nights that there was something seriously wrong with us - to the point that we convinced ourselves we wouldn’t wake up if we went to sleep. our chronic fatigue also happened to start to kicking up around that time (thanks covid) and we also felt pretty fuckin corpse-like. on top of that we’d been gaslit by a ‘friend’ into believing that cryptids and co were real (and coming after us personally [though that little detail was fabricated by our own evil evil brain]) right before the lockdown started which..!! *gritting teeth* did not help with the extreme panic, dissociation or chronic insomnia!! at all!!! especially considering the fact that we have a lot of OCD traits…. that we are only now able to address…😬

Oh god that sounds awful Im so sorry 🥹😭

[falter-your-alter]

Not really fully like the asks I normally see here, but…

Dissociation can be so useful when you’re in pain and need to push through it. I’m currently doing DofE (4 days of walking, around 20km, 12.4miles, per day plus camping) and honestly if I didn’t dissociate chronicly, I think the pain in my feet would be to the point I would give up.

Obviously there is a negative side to dissociating like that from pain - when you actually need to stop or hurt yourself badly and don’t notice. But in this instance for me it is really quite useful.

Oh absolutely

Its not always bad

There's a reason it's called a coping mechanism

[falter-your-alter]

Frankly I didn't think I would have to turn off reblogs for my last post bc someone silent reblogged it and it just felt gross idk

I want to be raw with you guys since the point is unity in non alter experiences with this disorder and it just felt...

Off? I dunno maybe its the prying to be seen/understood. It mainly just made me uncomfortable that people casually reblog vent-y things

Like someone pouring their heart out and you just recording the whole thing and walking away

[falter-your-alter]

BIG TW PARANOIA CONTENT

This got a bit uh

Raw

I don't think anyone talks enough about the post syscovery panic

Your brain absolutely slapping you silly for finding out

Cussing you out and crumbling you to bits for exposing the one tool it had that works

It was working just fine without your meddling

You weren't supposed to know that.

We got hit with the most awful paranoia

Most awful delusional episodes

That we were not real and had been either dead or never had been existing before

That it was all just an error of time

A collection if psudomeories in the mind of who fucking knows what

That this life truely was not ours

That we were so fucked from the start we never had a chance

And I have this too

And again something that needs to be talked about

The delusion of being dead or gone or something coming from depersonalization that only fuels it

Even talking to people doesnt work anymore

You arent real

They arent real

You're stuck

You're dissociative

Why is nobody helping

Because you cant hear them

Its fake

You're fake

You're crying

You're not supposed to

You're spiraling

They're liars

You're a liar

You cant possibly believe this

You can't possibly know

And you won't remember it the same

[falter-your-alter]

It’s so obvious now that we’ve had signs of this disorder since childhood really. There’s such clear fragments of memories like “signing school papers with different names” “Lucario being a favorite name” he was a host. One moment sitting at the desk. The next moment our hands are covered in brown washable marker because apparently the teacher asked what we wanted to do when we were done and we said we wanted to be a meowth. Blacking out in seventh grade after going up to a teacher and saying that a boy threw a basketball at our head and called us a s-l-u-t and next thing we know we’re at home starting online school with a Disney animator Ariel doll in our arms. Apparently we uncovered that between that wasn’t a whole day but we’re apparently missing MONTHS of this happening and nothing being done about it due to this disorder.

I wish I could hold the child we once were and tell her that everything would be okay in the future. I wish she didn’t have to go through this. I wish she knew big brother was here now and that she’d be safe enough to be and interact as a he. I wish he knew. I wish he knew he was safe now.

A child should NOT have an intense pregnancy hallucination at 12 either.

It’s— certainly something.

The child that once was. Never got to exist. And I wish she was here. That she was whole.

The world is a cruel and unforgiving place but— we all do what we can to make it through reality.

Keep your chin up. You and anyone else who happens to come across this.

Life will get better. This is your sign to hang in there and perservere.

— Written by Duke Pantarei and (me!!! Dess!!! Uhhh I already forgot my blog url lmao.)

🥹

[falter-your-alter]

Ours kept changing his pfp until we realized he was a subsys and they couldn't keep one pfp bc they all are different types of boos 💔😭

Got a whole damn ranbooverse army (Rarmy) subsystem and Im coping by making them things even tho theyre the main cause of massive headaches rn

Sooo enjoy these userboxes for some of the Rarmy

the ran introject in my head is an ASS 😓 he keeps changing his name. not because he dislikes it, just to fuck with me!

[falter-your-alter]

Am I the only one who thinks C!Ranboo was amazing DID rep especially around flashbacks, dissociation, panick attacks, voices, abuser manipulation of a part, not just having the evil "kill all" alter, amnesia, journaling, literally everything not just being alter disorder ect.

That and it wasnt a billion alters

Just a 2 part system and I am LIVING for it's undernoticed simplicity yet complexity

[falter-your-alter]

Having DID (while not confirmed professionally but it being too obvious by this point for us to *not* have it just from our sibling’s reactions— they pinpointed myself being the guy at front with how I spoke and my fronting patterns) is just— so strange. Like— so many differing opinions and you really don’t notice the amnesia until it hits. Like— for example- one of our hosts will be up front and get told to do stuff. Then when we get to a place— it’s like - oh — oh where did the time go- we’re leaving now? Or even chunks of memories just going away and randomly not realizing how we got to places. Even— it’s so weird. We re-learn things like how our late familiar Sans has passed and relive grief over and over again. The constant cycle of noticing it’s not x day or x time since y has been aware and then relearning stuff or having to be retold. Even just— feeling deep bone-aching anxiety and raw paranoia randomly it will hit us from our fear of zombies.

It is so much more than an “alter disorder”. All the constant migraines too. I’m wondering if there is a correlation between migraines and having this disorder.

Being both afraid of being called fake, not really caring, and even just— amused at the thought.

Being pulled in many directions and jumping from hyperfix to hyperfix to hyperfix.

One moment sitting in bed. Next moment noticing you’re pacing for some reason in another room or even in a place you weren’t originally were.

I genuinely don’t understand what it’s like to have not been aware before we found out. It’s been so long since we noticed something was up. And the more and more we noticed memory barriers.

Sorry about this long ramble dump by the way- I hope others can relate and I don’t feel like sending on anon right now.

— Sincerely, Dr. Danner

Reading this dissociated and with headache Im sure migraines arent abnormal with DID at all

Thank you for sharing nodnod it truly isnt just alter disorder

[falter-your-alter]

We are nearly 9 months into syscovery now and we’re actually,, kind of having fun discovering the dynamics of our system and how things function for us. For example,, we’ve come to the conclusion that our subsystems have different frontspaces, and some even have multiple. It seems like its helps to establish some familiarity and probably instills some comfort into new or infrequent fronters but it’s definitely a little bit strange (especially being pulled into a different frontspace than usual.) Like.. last time I checked I was in our Mind Palace™️ and now we’re in this kid’s.. dorm…? Cool . Okay . Umm

Or just getting thrown into the circus

Interesting oo

I've not heard much about different front spaces, nonod

[falter-your-alter]

hello sorry if this ends up being long and rambly but i just need a place to throw this and maybe get some opinions??

so uh. for a few years i id as a system due to symptoms and while i never self diagnosed anything i found comfort on getting to know my system and stuff, even tho we never had like really hard or defined switches

moving forward, i started dating my current partner and we talked abt it to which they were supportive and lovely but then they spoke abt it to their therapist to which she just said "no, tht cant be true, it would be way too serious and from what ive seen it's not possible"

and while that didnt change my partner's support it made me completely back away from even considering being a system and its hella distressing bc i still like. feel stuff and it's confusing but i just feel like if a therapist said it then it means i just faked it the whole time (despite the fact that i have CPTSD and have some sort of dissociative disorder according to my own therapist, im just so scared of telling her about all the alter stuff because i dont want all that to happen again)

i dunno sorry if this is weird or uncomfortable i just. idk i wanna feel comfortable enough to even begin undestanding what is going on, even if it means seeing my symptoms as something not system related, but thinking about it all just fills me with shame,, i wanted to have opinions but also to know if anyone else has gone through this and what have u done to ger past all the awful feelings :(

Hey its okay! People can accidentally fake stuff all the time due to overexposure

However! This came from their therapist, not yours! Your therapist is the one who knows more about you- and theres nothing wrong with making a mistake so long as you don't choose to still ID as a system after the fact

Its okay to be misguided so long as you take the proving/disproving info to heart and understand thats just how it is

I would bring it up with your therapist if you haven't yet and focus on it as that sounds very distressing and if they suspect a dissociative disorder already you may be closer to determining what type

There is no shame if it turns out you werent a system and if you are one it just proves that not everyone can just have someone half-assedly tell their therapist abt someone- therapists need to get to know the person first! (I see quite a bit of "I can ask my therapist abt it if you want" they dont know your story! So they won't have all the facts or hear it in your pov)

Sorry I also rambled but the main point Im tryna say is

System or not

It will be okay

Nobody is going to get mad over if you arent one and nobody is gonna get mad if you make sure you are

What matters is you have that sense of worry and althought sucky it means you truly are aware how bad faking would be, but this isn't intentional and that's okay

However it comes out, you're always welcomed back here :)

[falter-your-alter]

Wowee

kind of alter related? mainly about splitting

why do we split so easily brah. minor inconvenience? split. having a bad day? split. that new show we've been watching? the main character lives with us now. cool,,,

we also get like. headaches when it happens. we have to sit there and wonder if sonic the fucking hedgehog is gonna show up or if we're just sick. agony

"splitting only happens during trauma/extreme stress!" thy pants have been lit on fire

Sobs yeahhh

[falter-your-alter]

Just happened to us and jumped to here

Looking at yourself in the mirror and starting to have your eyes adjust like what you see is another actual person coming out the mirror and having real depth (usually happens if yiu look in the mirror in dim light as glare isn't seen fyi for those wanting to pretend this easily happening) and suddenly you don't know what you look like because it can't be what you're looking at

Fucked up derealization

[falter-your-alter]

Sometimes you discover something traumatized you by accident and then you’re dissociated and dealing with flashback for days

Then you’re suddenly fine and forget it even happened

Then the cycle repeats

Over and over and over and over and- /lyr

[falter-your-alter]

Someone keeps singing that old baseball song. "Take me out to the ball game" it's not annoying but like... I certainly know that I'm not faking again..

Time for the earworm to become real! Lmao

[falter-your-alter]

Being mentioned on 2 blogs feels like I got an extra sugar cookie in my oreos

I so heavily wish that build a _ in terms of systems was for disorder systems... Maybe we could use the tag start up a _ instead? What do you think, people that are popular and make stuff like this for anti endos? @the-foundation-sys @help-an-alter @innerworldnetwork @falter-your-alter @antiendosystemterms @sleepingsacrifice @candystore-of-ids

(If there are any other headspace/innerworld blogs or alter help blogs please tell me them so I can add the to the list.)

This is a group decision after all.

[falter-your-alter]

Alter related vaguely

Incest-y mentions warning now

The terrible feeling you get when an alter even jokingly mentions liking your mother in a semi sexual way

Disgusting bro kys /j

Like thats our mother ik you arent even a human but chiiiiill

Ik it happens but god is it the brain hyper-coping? Because ew

[falter-your-alter]

Dissociative amnesia is thinking something was done by another alter and next thing you know you’re hungry and smelly and you need the dishes done

Stupid chores