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Andy Samberg Shares His Rejected Golden Globes Jokes.

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Like I’m not even surprised

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if you're waiting for me to take a hint

it won’t work. consider the following: i’m a dumbass

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Someone: “So tell me about yourself!”

My two brain cells suddenly knowing nothing about my own personality or existence:

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grocery store: *plays some funky 80s song*

my poor mother: please dont

me, immediately dancing in the middle of the aisle:

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having a 3yo brother means i get exposed to kids’ shows way more often than i thought i would at this point in my life, but man, binge watching thomas the tank engine as an adult is a wild fucking experience

all these trains (and there’s like 20 counting locomotives alone, don’t even get me started on the anthropomorphic train cabins) are MAD competitive the whole time and will constantly fuck up their own whole day by tring to prove they’re the biggest baddest train. and like, i understand that you gotta get you plot from somewhere and i imagine plotlines like this happen in cars etc. as well, but the other day i was watching and i noticed that all these goddamn locomotives have DRIVERS in them. that apparently have no control over their train’s actions at all whatsoever. so these trains wake up, pick up their drivers, go to work, get taunted by another train who’s like “ha ha i see u there with your 4 cabins but did you know i can pull SIX cabins and still fucking book it at 80mph” and the 4 cabin train will be like “fuck it i gotta prove myself now, hook me up with 4 more cabins” and will inevitably derail themselves or some shit while the engine driver just shuts up and kicks back the whole time

i explained this to my brother and was like, is that fucked up or what, but he just pointed at the green train and went “that’s percy” so i guess that’s his take on the situation

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ain’t no party like a wilfred mott christmas party

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anyway, my older sister was adopted when she was almost 16 (kinda on accident too), and because of that she got away from an abusive household, went from barely passing classes to being an honour student, and launching into a career where she’s happy and healthy and paying her own way. just two years of parenting where she had 3 meals a day, a bedtime, and parents to help and protect her changed her life radically. Plus, i got an older sister

adopt teenagers.

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Shrek (2001) 

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Scott arriving to the avengers compound where everyone is miserable because their friends are dead but it’s ok cuz he gave up hope years ago and he’s got a gen z way of dealing with depression

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Mods are asleep post forbidden tits

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My foster kitten

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