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i let you in to have some fun with me instead of being just friendly. but then as soon as i constantly don’t want to do that, you became distant. i wanted to think you were different and didn’t see me as an object but you’re just like everyone else.

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i think i’ve finally come down to it that i loved you. i think that’s why nearly 10 years later, i’ve never once stopped thinking about you. all those times you would do certain things, and i’d get jealous instead of being okay with it, that’s because i wish it was me and not them. falling into a deeper depression when you got your first partner, maybe it was because i wanted it to be me and not them. but we’re strangers again and i can never tell you how i actually felt. but just know i loved you. i loved you harder than anyone ever will. i still love you and i always will. but i’ll still be living with the “what if’s” or “i should’ve’s” while you thrive. but that’s all i could ever ask for. is for you to thrive.

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— unknown (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

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i’ve been thinking a lot lately about wishing i could go back in time. i would go back in time and do better in school so i could’ve gotten scholarships to go to a good college. i would go back in time and take up hobbies so i’d have a passion that i could do lifelong. i would go back in time and care more about my body and maybe just maybe i would be prettier. i would go back in time and not screw up the friendships i had because of my depression. if time travel was real, i could change myself for the better and i wouldn’t feel like i’m a burden to the people around me and a burden to this earth.

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i always feel like i’m too much for everyone. that i come on too strong. that i make people uncomfortable. i don’t know how to not be me. i don’t know how to be normal. i just want to make friends where in being their friend doesn’t feel like a chore to them. that they like me for me and not because they feel bad for me. i wonder if my life would be different on a different timeline. would i be a better friend? would i be someone that someone could see the rest of their life with? would i have friends who see me as someone they can trust and want to keep around forever? maybe i’m meant to be alone.

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i’ve been feeling really lonely lately. not in the sense that i don’t have friends. i have a good amount of friends and i love and adore them. i’m feeling lonely in the sense of wanting romantic connection. never having it throughout my life makes me yearn so desperately for it. but what if i’m not fit for love? what if i’m just meant to have friendships and see them thrive in their romantic relationships?

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i’m hitting a low again. i feel like a burden to my friends. the management at my job thinks i’m not putting my all into my work when i’ve been physically exhausting myself into everything i do there. those thoughts come back again and again and i’m lucky i don’t have the strength to do anything about it but god life would be a lot easier if i had some good luck or worthy of any sort of happiness.

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this feeling again. starting to fall and not wanting to rush anything. i screwed it up the last time i can't do it again. you have been an angel since i met you but i'm scared this will only ever be just friends. i'm scared to be too much. i'm scared to scare you off and ruin what we have. your friendship so far has meant the world to me, but you're taking up every space in my mind. i'm scared of what might happen. will i fumble this good thing we have? i need to move at your pace. i don't wanna make that jump just yet, but god it's scary.

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Emily Dickinson, in a letter to Mary Bowles wr. c. August 1861

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how is it possible for you to act as if I never existed when I still am here unable to forget you

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— nn. (via eternaldroplets)

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— Langston Hughes (1901–1967), from The Weary Blues (Alfred A. Knopf, 1926) (via lunamonchtuna)

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- Mandeq Ahmed, 'Ocean of Tears'

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— June Gehringer, ‘I get so jealous of euthanized dogs’ (via lunamonchtuna)

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putting on every day is exhausting. acting like everything is okay when it’s not is exhausting. why must i perform for friends and pretend like i’m perfectly fine just to get attention from them? having to schedule my depressive episodes just so it doesn’t inconvenience them is exhausting.

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i’ve been thinking a lot about you again. i wonder if you think of me too. i know you’ve been taken for a while now but i still wonder what if. what would’ve happened if we were in another timeline, if you would’ve been the one? i think about the endless nights we spent together, i have never taken those nights for granted. i play them in my head like movies. you deserve the world but also you deserve me.

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as my birthday inches closer, i start having this existential crisis. everyone always jokes about having a midlife crisis but they never tell you how to actually deal with it. another milestone birthday approaches and i feel like my milestones haven’t been met in comparison to someone else my age. never been with anyone romantically in any form, in the past 5 years alone, i’ve had what’s felt like a million jobs while everyone else has careers in fields they love and adore. sometimes i wonder if i was just put on this earth to have others compare themselves to me. “you’re at a road bump but hey at least your life isn’t as bad as theirs”. i know that age is just a number but when society puts “deadlines” on what you should accomplish by each year, i feel inadequate. i feel worthless.