feministcucumber-blog

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Jealous.

I am jealous. I’m jealous of every good-looking/smart/successful/talented/confident person. Of people who wear cool clothes. Of girls with pretty faces, gorgeous hair and nice slender figures. Of boys who get A’s in every subject in school or university. Of young kids who won some competition. Of anyone who has a partner. Of twenty-somethings living not with their parents. Of children being close with their family. Of people who read. Of people who play. Of people who sing. Of people who write. Of people who draw. Of people who live in a cozy house, maybe with a garden. Of people who have a dog. Of people who run or do sport. Of people who travel. Of people living in a big city. Of people who have a lot of awesome friends.  Of people who are happy.

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It feels like winter.

Hey there, depression. Just would’ve been nicer if it wouldn’t be caused by people.

I don’t know what to do with my life. It feels like I broke everything. And I don’t know how to fix it. It’s like all the time I was going to self-destruction.

I wanna sleep. Just wanna sleep. All the time. Sleep. 

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Одиноко.

Не знаю, что написать. Кажется, что печатать и печатать так быстро неуместно.

Просто когда-то я знала людей, которые были моими друзьями. Но сейчас не так. Я не хотела быть их другом. Это враньё. Конечно же, хотела. Но мне надо было уйти. А они не захотели быть моими друзьями потом. Что же, я их сама удалила/отдалила/выгнала. 

Но мне одиноко. Полтора года спустя мне одиноко. Одиноко было и до этого, просто признаваться не хотела.

Я не плачу, нет. Просто раньше в моём сердце было больше места заполнено. Сейчас оно пустое.

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I just wanna be a panda.

[feministcucumber-blog]

Что люди с психическими расстройствами должны знать

Вы сильные. Вы проживаете каждый день в своей жизни, борясь со своим(и) заболеванием(ями).

Вам может стать лучше. Если Вы постараетесь сделать что-нибудь, получить помощь.

Вы не ненормальные и с ума не сходили.

Вы не придумали Ваше заболевание(ия). Они действительно существуют. Они не “в вашей голове”.

Вы не одни. У Вас есть поддержка. Всегда.

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Депрессивные выдержки из дневника девочки с окр

Я больше злюсь, на то что я раздираю голову, чем расстраиваюсь из-за этого. Это странно, я не могу плакать. Прямо, как тогда, после лицея. Когда-нибудь это пройдёт. Когда-нибудь это пройдёт.

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Депрессивные выдержки из дневника девочки с окр

Всё, что я слушаю, - Twenty One Pilots. Всё, что я делаю, -  сплю. (Потратила последние пол-часа на раздирание головы). Никогда ещё летом мне не хотелось ��сень, зиму и весну.

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Оля сказала написать.

Для того, чтобы сериал был одним из моих любимых, мне надо, чтобы в нём поднимались важные для меня проблемы, типа расизм/сексизм/гомофобия/трансфобия/психическое здоровье и так далее. Ещё я знаю, что мне что-то нравится, если я эмоциально что-то переживаю. #HTGAWM

[feministcucumber-blog]

nature.

I love nature. I love trees, forests, rivers. But with my life in the city I forget how much I love it. How much I enjoy it. How much I need it. To rest. To think. To be on my own. To live. To love.

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My History with Pro Ana

I don't know if anyone will like this post. About a year or two I ago was diagnosed with bulimia. I had been diagnosed with other disorders before, such as social phobia, anxiety, and depression. (I was diagnosed by A DOCTOR)

I came across a series of photos called ana tips. I figured ana was a person, and I wanted to find out who she was. She had all these amazing tips. Through asking people with "ana" or "proana" in their name i found it was slang for anorexia. I realized that there was this giant group of people supporting anorexia online. I won't lie, it was hard for me to resist.

My whole life me and my family have been obsessed with losing weight. I began counting calories, and judging my weight when I was in first grade. As well as, this looked just too easy. I got a "ana buddy" and I would text her whenever i felt like I wanted to eat. And she would tell me that I was fat, and I can't afford to eat dinner. And I even went on video chat with another girl so she could show me how to throw up. I followed all the account, and talked to other girls every day. I got way to thin, and I could have died. I started to see things as well, I would actively see ana (as a person) in my room or bathroom.

I never ended up in a hospital, but I did get sent away to a rehabilitation center, or therapeutic program, for teens. Im now clean. But I still struggle everyday. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I have trouble eating, because i can usually feel the food come up after i eat.

I remember how hard it was in the school/program. Trying to get through it. I remember how often I would see Ana. I remember the pain in eating. Trying to overcome my eating disorder. I wish I had never found pro ana.

I am not making this to inspire people. I am making it to warn people. Do not begin to get attention, or to lose weight. It will not work. You WILL gain the weight back. You will hurt everyone around you. And you can die.

And for all of the girls who think its okay to post those photos, just know that you affect hundreds of people per day. And you kill people. You help to KILL people. And its not only with pro ana. The same thing happened with cutters, depression, and anxiety. It is romanticized. I have no respect for the people who post these photos.

This is just my story. I don't know if it will help, but I will try.

[feministcucumber-blog]

голоса.

Когда я ложусь спать, у меня в голове появляются голоса. Они шепчут, кричат, переговариваются. Это от таблеток. Граница сна размывается, как говорит моя психотерапевтесса. Вчера их было слишком много. Они шумели. Они мешали.

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sleep.

I wanna sleep. I wanna sleep all day. I take my pills and wanna sleep. I don’t want to find a job, I wanna sleep. When I wake up I wanna sleep. When I’m on the bus I wanna sleep. I just wanna sleep. I wanna sleep.

[feministcucumber-blog]

lost.

i am so lost. so lost that i’m not capitalizing letters. so unlike me. so strange. i am so lost that i’ve made way too many mistakes whilst writing this. i don’t know what to do. i think i’ve never been so lost. i hate that feeling. and i know that i should do something. but i can’t. cause i will get lost even more. i want someone to come into my life and make sense of it. and i know that it’s a bad thought. because i need to fix it on my own. this is my mess and i am the one to save myself.

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I just want to wrap in a blanket of sad songs and stay there.

[feministcucumber-blog]

Начало

В общем, я создала блог, потому что моя сестра меня попросила.