ficklepenguin

[ficklepenguin]

[ficklepenguin]

I’ve never had any interest in watching porn. My first boyfriend tried to get me to watch it with him but I found it extremely off putting and synthetic. I love reading erotica and sexy comics but mainstream porn is exclusively made with straight dudes in mind.

However, when I worked at the porn store I was required to have some passing familiarity with the titles we carried. We had an employee library for this purpose but I really dragged my heels on watching any of them until a coworker told me she did hers by having a Porn and Pizza night with friends.

I was so down for that idea. I called up several friends and told them the plan and we all sat down together to watch my first pick, Pirates II. The first Pirates movie was roughly in line with a Pirates of the Caribbean porn parody. Pirates II is to this day still one of the most expensive pornos ever produced. They lied about what they were using the replica ship for and promised not to have sex on it. They promptly then had sex all over it.

You might think it would be awkward to watch porn with your friends but we had a blast. Sex is already so close to absurdity at the best of times that with a hard cider in hand we all thought it was the height of hilarity.

The only issue was that I absolutely abhor come shots. Semen in general is just not my jam but in porn they delight in flinging it around onto faces to much distress on my part.

My friends took this as a personal challenge, to protect me from that visual they created a drinking game around telling me the exact moment to look away. Our apartment sounded like a bizarre sports match of shouting as climaxes neared in each scene.

“Not yet!” “Wait- now!”

“No, no, not yet, wait for it… wait for it- NOW! QUICK!”

We got a noise complaint afterward but it was a delightful night.

[ficklepenguin]

daddy wants to see yall on yall baddest behavior. lend me some sugar. I AM your neighbor.

[ficklepenguin]

lovely character. i need him to finally break down sobbing clutching his chest like it'll stop the pain crumpling to the floor begging God to either help him or let him die

[ficklepenguin]

NEVER STOP BEING OBSESSED WITH YOUR OCS 🫵

[ficklepenguin]

To people with glasses, are your glasses a color other than black?

[ficklepenguin]

The term "book of the dead" doesnt really give you perspective to how big a lot of Egyptian funerary texts are.

Imhoteps book of the Dead is 64 feet long.

[ficklepenguin]

VERY important research happening here today, folks. 🦖🦕

BONUS: Tell me your favourite dinosaur in the tags. ( b ._.)b

[ficklepenguin]

GREG GRIMALDIS

[ficklepenguin]

but on the real though, here is your guide to assyrian rice preparation from your friendly neighborhood assyrian:

start wanting rice. (or, if you are traditional, simply recognize your constant desire for rice.)

measure out two cups of rice. then one more. then two more. then another. this seems fine. you love rice. there is no way that this will backfire on you.

remember that your great-great-uncle’s recipe says it should be soaked overnight.

become consumed with despair.

decide to soak it for half an hour instead, acknowledging that the final product will be inferior and anger your ancestors but will still satisfy your now almost-overwhelming need for rice to be inside your body much faster.

remember that you should have set the water to boil when you soaked the rice. goddammit. 

once the water boils, put the rice in until it is half-cooked. the eyeballing or intuitive method is less effective than a timer but that’s how your aunt does it so you feel compelled to meet her standards.

now that the rice has fluffed up, realize how much rice six dry cups really is. holy shit. you’ve fucked up immeasurably. 

take a minute to dwell upon your failings.

grease a baking dish with butter. this will never be as elegant as you want it to and your fingers will get greasy, but the slightly shameful, self-indulgent joy of licking your fingers afterwards will make up for it.

pour the rice into the dish. wonder immediately if you actually buttered the dish beforehand and if you’ve just fucked up. 

melt approximately one thousand pounds of butter in the microwave and pour it over the rice, pondering your imminent death from rapid-onset arterial clogging. put a small pat of butter on the top to properly gild the lily.

put your pan into the oven, which you have absolutely preheated after your previous lack of foresight. shake the rice once or twice while it bakes to make sure the butter is well distributed. resist the impulse to climb into the oven with the rice. for the last ten minutes, sit next to the oven and count the seconds until it’s done.

remove the dish from the oven. shed a tear or two at the perfection laid before you. if you are dining with others, this is the time to serve the rice while making passive-aggressive statements about how oh no, you don’t need any help, you just made dinner all by yourself, you can serve everyone as well. (this is still fun if done alone, but optional.)

CONSUME THE RICE.

realize that you have eaten half of the dish in one sitting. no matter how much rice you made, this will always happen. 

put the leftovers away, if there are any, and enjoy a cup of chai while marveling at the amount of food you have just eaten. if possible, fall asleep in an armchair, sitting up, head tilted slightly back, like a grandpa.

for the rest of the evening, think fondly of how much rice you have in the fridge now and how many meals it will supplement, refusing to acknowledge that you will almost certainly eat the rest of it in a few hours for a midnight meal.

[ficklepenguin]

i've been playing shb again on my alt and i spend all my time crying about them

even though I finished SHB months ago, i have not and will not get over the fact that Thancred and Ryne never once hugged on screen. so i did what i'm sure many people have done before me, and i made them hug for myself.

[ficklepenguin]

Lake Pontchartrain Causeway Bridge, New Orleans and Mandeville, Louisiana, USA

[ficklepenguin]

Reason to Live #12746

    Jelly candies! – Guest Submission

(Please don't add negative comments to these posts.)

[ficklepenguin]

This is a hard thing to hear but i genuinely say it with care and best wishes:

Keep using your brain and trying that hard thing no matter how foggy. Feel stupid! It's ok! I promise you are not stupid. I promise your brain will appreciate it. And that with time it will be valuable that you tried.

It's so easy to lose a whole week to brain fog. But your brain and body don't just stop existing that week (though it can feel that way). It's so important to try to incorporate puzzles anyway. Cook a meal from a scratch, do a jigsaw, the wordle, sudoku, use your other hand, learn a new card game, watch a brand new show, do simple math equations, write words backwards, learn a new language (or even just random phrases from a few), play a podcast, read a fun article or magazine, try a new creative project. Something! To help you feel better longer and keep your brains synapses synapsing.

Find a way to push yourself into it. Ask a friend to do it with you, set a timer, build it into your routine, have a bunch of fun games on your phone, puzzles by the bed, set your google to open straight to wordle.

TO CLARIFY: neuroplasticity is magic. And CONTRARY to prior belief it does not just stop after like 25. The brain can recover in exceptional ways so if you feel behind, or feel like you lost so much of what you knew due to a deep spell of illness or depression or injury; it's never too late. Never too late to nuture your brain to a better state of health.

So have a glass of water, take a deep breath and please join me in feeling really stupid trying to finish a "simple" puzzle and know we are all doing a very good job. ❤️