finnsfinalproject - Tumblr blog

finnsfinalproject · 4 months ago

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my fears

I am scared of being alone. not in the sense that I always want to have someone by me and I can't PHYSICALLY be alone, but god am I scared of having no friends. I'm scared of not having anyone there for me when I need to talk. of not having anyone there to do mundane things with me like just sitting in my bedroom and watching a movie. I'm scared to move away because I don't want to lose people. I don't want to drift apart. because these people I have now could possibly be the last people I ever have

I'm scared of cancer. pretty self explanatory. my biggest fear I think is dying of cancer. not the death itself, but the pain leading up to it. death would be a sweet escape from the hardships of that illness.

this ones a Little out there but I'm scared of having schizophrenia. I know If I do suddenly start showing symptoms there's medication that I can take. but holyyyy shit. hallucinations sound scary as hell.

I'm scared of my friends not liking me. I truly don't care about people that I don't know not liking me. if a stranger doesn't like me, it really does not affect how I feel about myself. they don't know me. but my friends, the people I've kept myself around and loved not liking me, that scares me. those people know me. and that means there's something I've done or some way I act that isn't right. I've had someone who i thought was my best friend drop me because they said I was draining. I won't deny that I may have been. it honestly is hard to look at yourself and notice the bad personality traits. I haven't fully recovered even though we're friends again. I don't tell people as much as I used to. I'm scared that also makes me unlikeable because I'm not open enough.

I'm scared of my best friend leaving me. I love this person with my heart and soul. we have such an extensive history together and everything that happens to us we always end back up together. we've experienced so many parallels in life but I will always always be there for them. we have a road trip planned for the end of highschool where we're gonna take a gap year and drive around the whole US. I'm scared I'm too much for them, like I was with the other person. but I'm also scared they'll leave me for reasons out of both of our hands. they'll leave me even if they don't want to. whether it's because of their mom, or ice, or their own mental health, I'm scared of not being there for them. I don't mean this in a "I need to always be with them !!" way. because I don't. we go to different schools, I haven't seen them since early February. we go days without texting. but I still know they live close by. i still know that I have the chance to see them. I'm scared of that comfort being taken away.

I'm scared of being unfulfilled. as much as I preach now unfulfillment will overall get you farther, I just want the bare minimum. and I'm scared I'll get nowhere and I won't get that. scared I won't get a partner to settle down with, or kids to raise, or anything. just me myself and I.

now, I know this sounds negative. but I feel like the best way to feel better about things is to get them out. just because I'm scared, doesn't mean that everything bad will happen to me. I love where I am now, and I'll continue to work on making my life as well as others around me as enjoyable as possible. we only have one life, we only have one chance. nothing means anything and that's the beauty in it.

#fear #rant #optimistic nihilism #therapeutic writing #uhhh #idk what else to tag #gulps nervously #looks around scared #coughs #thanks guys

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