flattypattysquid

[flattypattysquid]

I NEED YOUR HELP TO SPREAD THIS

This blog in the photo accompaninstuo91 does not have a proper blog. When you click on their blog, an image pops up asking you if you're 18 and if you say yes or no, it directs you to a virus/porn site that isnt on tumblr

The bots are evolving to actively redirect you/ give viruses to you

Please reblog this so you dont fall victim. Do not click follow or try to go onto their blog, instead the only way to report them is to click the little three dots and click report

@staff please stop shit like this

[flattypattysquid]

Kak skjis ye aapy ea ou ai aile

[flattypattysquid]

Who are this random people following me

[flattypattysquid]

poop and man

shrek x zhongli

warning:none

EYYY YALLS FAV AUTHOR IS BACK

It was an oily morning, The sun blooms on the horizon, golden petals stretching ever outwards into the vast mass of swamp, where shrek resides. Swamp was always a lively place, with different types of plants surrounding the area. In the middle of the swamp stands a lonely house, with nothing but a toilet accompanying it on the side. That's where Shrek shits.

Birds' playful chirping can be heard, a hunter takes out a shotgun and shoots all of them. A loud sound awakens a being in a house, shrek realised the sun had already risen and slowly sat up on the bed. With yawns and stretching he put his morning clothes on, and got ready for the day. He brushed his teeth with whale poo, smeared his mothers dead lipstick on his hairy sexy armpits, and finally he checked his ass in a mirror. He really liked the way his butcheeks quenched.

He aggressively threw the door open, somebody once told shrek he was going to be a star. He smiled at the thought. He could barely remember who that person was, but Shrek made his goal to find the stranger and thank him for inspiring him. The only thing he knew was that the person had a deep sexy voice and looked like a human. His thoughts were interrupted by the exploding diarrhoea swirling in his ass. He put his pink crocs on and started rushing to the toilet.

-AUUUUUGGGHHH- he screamed. Poop coming out of his butthole felt like someone was giving him a anal. He imagined that instead of poo the mysterious man was driving his fingers in and out of his ass. He started to cry, it was too much!!! 

It took him about thirty minutes to finish his yet another episode of hardcore shit. He finally calmed down, his chest rising up and down. He stood up and took a deep shaky breath, he felt really embarrassed, he could dig up a hole and die in it. Shrek finally decided to wipe his stinky ass with a wooden branch. Even though he went through all that trauma his daily routine wasn’t finished yet, he still got more to do. He walked over to the swamp, taking his pink crocs off, he dipped his hairy toe onto the mud. He let a few seconds pass by and then took his toe out of the brown mud. Now that the bath was done he had still one thing to do. He strolled back to his house and placed himself in front of the door, he stared at the door for a few minutes, then he started aggressively twerking while making a chad face. With the final part of his morning routine done, he sighed and opened the door to rest.

He almost split his head on a rock. It was around noon when he decided to take a calming walk through the forest like he always does. The walk didn't go so well, fist he encountered a bear with big bushy balls dangling from its crouch. He got molested(don't worry he enjoyed it). Then he almost broke his head on a rock by slipping on thin air, but somehow missed the rock by a little. He struggled to get up but with mental effort he got up anyway. He continued walking through the forest, passing green bright leaves hanging for life on a tree. Branches on the ground cracking with every heavy step Shrek took, squirrels gossiping about walnuts, a light breeze occasionally waltzing through the forest. That's what Shrek loved the most about the forest, the calmness of it. That calmness was interrupted when he heard a familiar irritating voice coming from behind him.

“ eyyy, what's up shrek? Long time no see!” the voice enthusiastically yelled from behind him disturbing the forest.

“... oh hey buddy '' shrek mumbled against his breath as he turned to look at him, not really wanting to engage in a conversation with him. It's not that he disliked donkey, no in fact he was his trusted friend. But after all that's happened to Shrek, he wanted to spend his time alone.

It seems that surprisingly the donkey caught the hint. ” alright alright, imma leave you alone, since orgs have layers and all, but if you want to talk to me i am always available, except for the time i am smashing my wife, see ya!” and with that donkey turned around and started to hop into the opposite direction, happily humming a tune to himself.

“Thanks donkey” shrek quietly murmured and smiled, so that the only witness to him saying those words were the trees. 

With that he continued to walk.

[flattypattysquid]

[flattypattysquid]

chaos developer

part 3

read this on ao3-flattypattysquid123-

You’ve been pacing around the room for a while now. the situation you were in hit you like a bus after you woke up from your nap. you had at least ten panic attacks on what to do. What would Kazuha do?,, you dreaded ,,he would certainly come get me right?,,

Hour or two passed with you in this state.your thoughts and worries were interrupted by a knock on the door.

,,WAIT this could be kazuha!,,

You wiped your face off any dirt and went to open the door with a bright grin plastered on your face. your smile turned into a frown when you saw a strange man with a few papers in hand.

“Come pay your taxes”

,,damn, it's the tax collector,,you quickly shut the door. You walked over to your bedroom and started packing your clothes in a small leather bag. you planned to leave to go search for kazuha and the tax collector was the final push you needed. As the man banged on the door you sped up your movement and put a bottle of water in your bag. You hopped out of the window and sneakily ran away from your house. The man stayed in front of your door for a moment, then sighed and went to bother more people. You slowed down your pace when you couldn't see your house. you asked yourself what to do, you didn't prepare this far.

You run around inazuma as far as you can go.but you rarely go out for walks and you get tired in ten minutes. You sat down on a bench to catch your breath.you went over your options, you could talk to the raiden shogun on what's happened, surely she must know something, but you quickly dismissed this idea when you remembered how terrifying she was.

After a bit of thinking you recalled that the giant cockroach dragged your boyfriend to the ground. The only place you can think of to go is the chasm, you heard some stories about how it is a gateway to ‘’hell’’. you are sure that's just some nonsense towns folks made up, but it doesn't hurt to try.

But still, one problem stands in your way. The chasm was all the way to Liyue, how are you going to get there? After a while of pondering, you concluded, Kazuha came back by ship, the ship must still be there as only a day passed since his arrival. You wondered who you could talk to take you aboard the ship as you dashed to the harbour.

The sun is freshly risen as bright warm sunlight linger on the flowers. you always loved the sun, you loved the way its smell flowed through the air. Following the sun's gaze, you saw a few people talking and taking boxes on the ship.

You took a deep breath and cautiously approached the men. You really don't know how to start a conversation. You curse your poor social skills as you get ready to talk.

“...uh hi there strange men” you announced your presence. They look up at you curiously.

“..do you know who the ship captain is?” you added.

“Yes we do, what about it” they answered.

“I wanna talk to them,” you rushed. You were already uncomfortable, you wanted to get this over quickly.

“Do you need something?” one man in particular with red hair and muscular build answered. He seems to be the leader of this group, you noted.

“Yes”

He furrowed his eyebrows at the short answer.

“Well what do you need?”

“Are you the captain?”

“No i am not”

“Then can you take me to them”

“What do you need with her?”

“Are you the captain?”

“I said no didn’t ya hear?”

“Then take me to her”

“THE HELL DO YOU NEED?”

“I want to talk to her.

“WHY?

“ARE YOU THE CAPTAIN?”

“ I SAID NO!”

“THEN TAKE ME TO HER!”

“I AM NOT TAKING YOU ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!”

“ I SAID I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU CAPTAIN”

“WHY”

“ Are you the captain?”

“I SAID I AM NOT GODDAMNIT”

“THEN MIND YOUR BUSINESS”

The screaming contest came to a halt as you both breathed heavily and beat each other with your gaze. Nobody uttered a word momentarily as you debated quietly with your eyes. Citizens and other crew members were looking at the show you two put on astonished.

After a while the man spoke.

“.. what your name?”

“y/n.”

“What's yours?”

“Jerry.”

“Nice to meet you jerry”

“Nice meeting ya too, y/n”

“Can you take me to your captain”

“Fine, come with me” the man sighed and motioned you to follow him.

,,that went perfectly,, you proudly smiled to yourself.

[flattypattysquid]

chaos developer

kazuha x gn reader chapter 2/? 

warning:nothing serious, reader just murders few people accidentally.

You were shookith. I mean who wouldn't be in your situation. Upon your boyfriend returning from his long lasting journey, a FUCKING GIANT COCKROACH ERUPTED FROM THE GROUND AND DRAGGED YOUR BOYFRIEND TO HELL. you loved your boyfriend to death.

You were looking around the area, still shocked and in the middle of analysing what just happened. every citizen who passed by threw you a concerned look.they saw how stunned you were, unfortunately they didn't see your boyfriend get kidnapped by a huge cockroach with big brown balls.

You slapped yourself across your face a few times to figure out if this was a dream, which earned more concerned looks from everyone around you.slapping yourself didn't help at all, you were still shocked but now in pain. so you did what every reasonable person would do because you are reasonable and went home to sleep.

It's been a habit of yours that developed when you were a child. Every time something bad happened you ignored it and slept. like that one time when you were seven, you pushed your grandmother down the stairs as a joke and killed her. or that one time when you ran a kid over with a horse. The kid didn't die though, at least you hope.

,,Tomorrow problems for tomorrow me,, you thought as your head hit the pillow and in seconds you were dead asleep.

[flattypattysquid]

imma continue this

my love

kazuha x fem reader.

warning:angst,milk.

part1?

it has been months since he ventured out to roam the see, looking for adventure.Although you miss him every second of the day,you knew you can’t be selfish.it’s in his nature after all.

thankfully you pain will be cut short because he will be arriving in a few minutes.you sat on the shores of inazuma looking for a sign.you miss the way his warm hands gently caressed your skin, his lovely eyes looking, seeking your on eyes.you be damned if you didn’t spend every second of your day with him and him only.meanwhile kazuha felt conflicted.He loved you, he really did, but he loved freedom more.

as you meandered to the harbour, you saw focused kazuha stepping down on the floor looking around.his ayes sparked when he met yours.he instantaneously put down his bag and rushed over to you, tackling you in a big hug.returning the hug, you put your arms around his shoulders, being happier then ever, now that he was with you.

that happiness didn’t last long.from the ground emerged a huge cockroach with big brown balls, the cockroach took you lover by the neck and drugged him to hell.you stood there, flabbergasted.you were too stunt to speak 

[flattypattysquid]

chaos developer

kazuha x gn reader.

warning:angst,milk.

part1?

it has been months since he ventured out to roam the see, looking for adventure.Although you miss him every second of the day,you knew you can’t be selfish.it’s in his nature after all.

thankfully you pain will be cut short because he will be arriving in a few minutes.you sat on the shores of inazuma looking for a sign.you miss the way his warm hands gently caressed your skin, his lovely eyes looking, seeking your on eyes.you be damned if you didn’t spend every second of your day with him and him only.meanwhile kazuha felt conflicted.He loved you, he really did, but he loved freedom more.

as you meandered to the harbour, you saw focused kazuha stepping down on the floor looking around.his ayes sparked when he met yours.he instantaneously put down his bag and rushed over to you, tackling you in a big hug.returning the hug, you put your arms around his shoulders, being happier then ever, now that he was with you.

that happiness didn’t last long.from the ground emerged a huge cockroach with big brown balls, the cockroach took you lover by the neck and drugged him to hell.you stood there, flabbergasted.you were too stunt to speak 

[flattypattysquid]

b

[flattypattysquid]

wh**e

I- How did you know??

[flattypattysquid]

hey, hello how are you today. i want to ask something if its okay with you. why are you such a stupid bitch?

Well damn,who hurt you.go drink piss.

[flattypattysquid]

this is great just read it.

minions do not hold back

summary: minions go crazy and kill everyone.

notes:so this is my first fanfic, i don’t know that the f u c k i’m doing, i’m no writer, english isn’t even my first languange(i don’t know how to spell)and i don’t know grammar. this is a crack fic obv.

Keep reading

[flattypattysquid]

minions do not hold back

summary: minions go crazy and kill everyone.

notes:so this is my first fanfic, i don't know that the f u c k i'm doing, i'm no writer, english isn't even my first languange(i don't know how to spell)and i don't know grammar. this is a crack fic obv.

nobody knows when it started, the minions kept murdering and torturing people.they had devilish grins painted on their face, while they ran around terrorizing humans. houses where burned down, damaged corpses left and right.one minion in particular caught a child, a young boy and brought him to Gru's torture chamber.the chamber was dark and cold. the minion who goes by the name Chad, chained the boy on the wall, by his arms.Chad picked up tools and started to peel the skin on the boy, it was perfect to Chad.the way the skin slowly peeled off blood showing, the terrified screams of the boy, who clearly was in deep pain.Chad kept going at it for hours.he did whatnot to the boy, plucked his eyeballs, peeled his nails, torn his limbs apart and even made him drink his yellow piss. everything was going well for chad, when he heard the chamber door slowly open. heavy footsteps could be hear. chad was ready to get his tool out to fight, when he saw a familiar face, it was Bob. a wave of relief came to wash over Chad, but it did not last long.in the matter of seconds, Bob lunged at Chad and pulled his teeth out. Chad was offically dead.but what happend? turns out minions ran out people to kill and they started attacking each other.there still was a one human left, hiding in peoples money, president trump pressed the red button and blew the earth up.no animals where harmed in this chaos.

[flattypattysquid]

I’m watching you

[flattypattysquid]

🔥🔥🔥

[flattypattysquid]

meet my meat

luffy x reader fanfic

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You kiss luffy’s meat

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he bites your head off