forehead451

[forehead451]

[forehead451]

omg how could i forget. the TOPPER:

her telling me to stop doing art with people and cut things out to minimize my life

im frustrated and yell i dont DO OR SEE ANYONE my LIFE I ALREADY SO SMALL

she goes well MAKE IT SMALLER !!!!!

literally the day before she was asking me if id move into our dream home if we found it.

HAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

nothing but my own desperation would ever make me live with her again. I WOULD NEVER CHOOSE TO LIVE WITH HER LMAOOOOOOOOO WHAT?!?!

so much happened i just have to bullet point it.

she brought up the fight.

asked for me to remind her of the context.

i tell her what happened

she goes on to tell me the story she made up about how i was going out all the time at all hours of the night and thats why she said it

i say nope, i never was one to walk before that. that was the first time i decided to go on a walk. literally never went on a walk except as a kid going to my friends house.

she then changes tactics

i say theres no use discussing this because she's not asking to understand why i was mad (as she said was the reason), she's asking to further validate her existing beliefs and double down on why she was right to have the reaction she did.

i say no, this is exactly what happened: we both graduated and were living at home. i said i was going on a walk and aimee started ranting about how dare i go outside by myself because its dangerous and how could i be so stupid and selfish to do that

mom joins in and gets riled up over it too. i get exhausted hearing them rant and lecture, i say forget it and go to my room.

aimee then says oh so it wasnt that important to you

i say its not about important, its about hearing you guys lose it isnt worth enduring. its exhausting and stupid.

aimee then says oh. well. at the time, you looked younger than you were so.

i say irrelevant. i was running around the neighbourhood every day from 11 years old. there was never an issue then. im a grown adult and only then it was an issue.

she then goes on to try to use my disabilities and inconsistency with energy and cognitive clarity to justify saying that what's she supposed to think, clearly i cant handle myself outside alone

i say thats bullshit and have nothing to do with each other.

one second, to her, im more than capable. the next i need supervision. the ableism and infantilization and illogical conclusions is maddening and the reason im pissed and frustrated.

she tries to double down. i say no thata bullshit and youre being an asshole to think im completely unable to function or be treated like an adult because i struggle with some things sometimes.

she keeps going to acting like a child

i say DISABILITIES DO NOT MAKE SOMEONE A CHILD. thats bullshit and you know it

she then says well i should prove myself and do more to show im capable.

I SCREAM THAT I HAVE A DISABILITY. I DON'T NEED TO PROVE MYSELF TO MAKE YOU RESPECT THAT IM A FUCKING ADULT. theres nothing more i would do to prove anything to YOU, only to make MY LIFE BETTER because i fucking try hard every day and thats not CHANGING BECAUSE YOU need to get on board that im not doing this because im LAZY or im STUPID.

she tries to tell me i need to stop doing art. she says im not good at it. she sees me sitting there struggling and i cant think and im fighting myself and my mind and my emotions LIKE YEAH. IM FUCKKKKKK ACTIVATED. ALL THE TIME. and when i have actually PEACE AND IM NOT ANTICIPATING THE NEXT THING FROM HER THEN I GET IN THE FLOW. IM GOOD AT IT. IM GREAT AT IT.

AND that her ideas to do more manual work are not new and ive already thought about it and its already my goal and that i just needed the money from the gigs trying to get some breathing room and it was going well until recently and thats why im where im at with it but ive been doing so much better than i was a year ago

AND SHE ONLY SEES THE VERSION OF ME IN HER PRESENCE. WHICH IM ALWAYS ACTIVATED AND ON EDGE ANTICIPATING HER NEXT BULLSHIT CAMPAIGN TO START. FUCK!!!

amd that just because its not everything doesn't mean that hearing discouragement or criticism from my family, the people i live with, doesn't AFFECT ME AT ALL. im not detached from my emotions and reality like her

she tried to tell me she sees my lists and theyre so huge and im so disorganized with my brain building up them. up into huge things

i say I WILL KEEP DOING THAT. AND ALSO THAT SHE LITERALLY JUST MOCKED ME AND TOLD ME TO BREAK EVERYTHING DOWN INTO TINY STEPS. THE SAME FUCKING THING. TO MAKE THAT LONG LIST. FUCKING HELL

and aLSO that ive had this bylerween project for like a year and i still haven't finished it and i say i LITERALLY JUST STARTED MID JULY. SO NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN GOING ON AND ON ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS. ITS LITERALLY BEEN A MONTH AND IVE ONLY WORKED ON IT A FEW DAYS OVER THE LAST MONTH. and SHE DOES THIS AND STRETCHES ONE THING I DO INTO SOMETHING IM DOING CONSTANTLY FOREVER WHEN ITS BEEN ONCE OR TWICE OR IN THIS CASE A FUCKING MONTH AT MOST. this is the same as when i would get burnt out after a long stretch of trading or following a campaign and then id knock out for a day or two to rest and then she'd start screaming that ive been gone for WEEKS. she's not in fucking reality.

i also told her that i DONT know when my energy will run out or when im not going to be able to concentrate and when itll snap in and thats the whole fucking POINT.

she says i need to communicate better then

i say I DID. I AND WHEN I SAY SOMETHING AND IM HONEST ABOUT MY LIMITS OR IF IM UNSURE, SHE TELLS ME IM LAZY, I DONT WANT TO DO IT, IM SELFISH, IM ENJOYING SAYING NO TO HER, IM TRYING TO REBEL, IM X Y AND Z. SO WHAT'S THE POINT. I TRY. IT BECOMES WORSE THAN IF I SAID SOMETHING. AND SHE TELLS ME IM BEING DEFEATIST

she follows that with saying IM GETTING TOO ATTACHED TO THINKING I CANT DO THINGS. I FUCKING SCREAAAAMMMNMM

i tell her thats EXACTLY WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. im NOT TOO ATTACHED, IM NOT DEFEATIST. IM ACTUALLY VERY OPTIMISTIC DESPITE EVERYTHING AND THAT WHAT IM ACTUALLY DOING IS BEINH REALISTIC AND USING FACTS, OBSERVATIONS AND TERMINOLOGY AND A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF MYSELF AND MY DISABILITY TO UNDERSTAND WHATS HAPPENING AND COMMUNICATING IT.

if i say i can and fail then im detached from reality and immature and stupid. if i say i cant, then im defeatist and negative and lazy amd xyz. theres NO WINNING.

she says oh i see you get up to go out with your friends, i say YEAH AND YOU DONT SEE THE FUCKING MELTDOWNS I HAVE IN PRIVATE LEADING UP TO GOING OUT LITERALLY CRYING ON MY FLOOR. NOT BECAUSE IM UPSET BUT BECAUSE ITS JUST FUCKING HARD. at least when i finish and leave, i know ill have a good time and get to relax and its healing. whereas everything else is just more task and more tasks, no reprieve.

shes like okay well you gotta control that

I SCREAMMMMM

i say I DO. By SAYING NO AND TAKING TIME TO MYSELF AND GOING AT MY OWN PACE BUT I CAN'T ALWAYS DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE I HAVE A GOOD TIME OF IT SO THAT'S SOMETIMES THE RESULT.

she also says she thinks of me going ON WALKSSSSSSSSSSSSS AS ME REBELLING. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKKKKKK.

shes like why.

i say TO HAVE FRESH AIR? EXERCISE? SUNSHINE? TIME ALONE? TO DRINK MY WATER BOTTLE? WHY WOULD I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M WALKING

she's like oh. well. idk i feel like you're rebelling and not telling anyone where you are etc etc.

i say I GO ON A WALK. EVERY FUCKING DAY. EVERYONE KNOWS WHERE I AM. IM ALWAYS A CALL AWAY. IM ALWAYS NEARBY. EVEN WITH THE CAR, IM NEVER FARTHER THAN TEN MINUTES, FIFTEEN TOPS AWAY.

im like dads always in a million places in and out of the house. he doesn't have to tell anyone hes outside.

well he's on the property in walking distance

ik like SO AM I

she starts getting mad like im being absurd

I'm like don't FUCKING START. you KNOW VERY WELL im not talking about YOU walking to ME outside so DON'T EVEN PRETEND.

shes like well its annoying not knowing where you are and i shouldn't have to call you on the phone. you need to tell everybody in the house.

im like EVERYYYYYBODY?

shes like YES EVERYBODY.

im like NO THE HELL I DON'T. I CANNNNN TELL PEOPLE BUT I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO TELL ANYBODY!! WE'RE ALL GROWN ADULTS IN THIS HOUSE!!

shes like well mom gets annoyed and you dont see it

IM LIKE SO WHAT??? THEN SHE CALLS. THEY LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT TELLING ME ALL THE TIME. IM ANNOYED FOR A SECOND. THEN I REALIZE THEYRE OUT. SO I CALL THEM. PROBLEM SOLVED. NOT THEIR PROBLEM AND NOT MINE EITHER.

why is this supposed to apply to ONLY ME. YET AGAIN THE INFANTILIZATION. FUCK YOU.

anyway. im tired. its 1:33am and i yet again wasted more energy on this shit when ive got like 36 hours until my meeting. fUCK.

oh yeah i frgt i thing.

i told her to shut up about being an authority figure FUCKING HELL. even if its not EVERYTHING, JUST BECAUSE IM AFFECTED AT ALLLL BY MY FAMILY AND HOW THEY TREAT ME DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S MY FUCKING AUTHORITY FIGURE

FUCK

i just cant get over what she did last night.

i extend an olive branch and start saying im sorry if its a lot that dad and i are saying all at once and she's like "oh this isnt about me" i say oh ok etc etc. a few minutes prior i was explaining why the infantilization and put downs hurt my feelings. so then she says, "im not the one who's hurt" followed by this CREEPY ASS SMILE. SMUG LIKE SHES ENJOYING THAT IM UPSET. I FUCKING HAAAAAATE HER I HATE HER.

there was so much more to this conversation

anyway. her bottom line which she continued on WhatsApp after too was that i need to trade. LIKE HELL IM DOING ANYTHING WITH HER LMAOOOOOOOOO BYE.

i was like THE THING THAT BURNT ME OUT AFTER YOU JUST MOCKED ME FOR GETTING BURNT OUT BY TRADING???????! LMAOOOOOOOOOO!!!

i was like THE THING THAT BURNT ME OUT TO THE POINT OF INSANITY???? OVER A YEAR AGO?? LITERALLY INSANE ONE YEAR AGO?!?!

you gotta be fucking KIDDING me

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

"ill give you money to trade with" HELL NO!!!!!!! so she can try to use one more thing to control amd shame me with??? LITERALLY KILL ME before i trade a fucking thing and enter that hellscape that i already hate virtually while physically near her. KILLLL MEEEE FIRSTTTT.

i need to scream. i need to tell someone. i feel so FUCKING ALONE in this and all i have to talk to are my parents and i cant keep ranting to my friends. i did enough.

[forehead451]

so much happened i just have to bullet point it.

she brought up the fight.

asked for me to remind her of the context.

i tell her what happened

she goes on to tell me the story she made up about how i was going out all the time at all hours of the night and thats why she said it

i say nope, i never was one to walk before that. that was the first time i decided to go on a walk. literally never went on a walk except as a kid going to my friends house.

she then changes tactics

i say theres no use discussing this because she's not asking to understand why i was mad (as she said was the reason), she's asking to further validate her existing beliefs and double down on why she was right to have the reaction she did.

i say no, this is exactly what happened: we both graduated and were living at home. i said i was going on a walk and aimee started ranting about how dare i go outside by myself because its dangerous and how could i be so stupid and selfish to do that

mom joins in and gets riled up over it too. i get exhausted hearing them rant and lecture, i say forget it and go to my room.

aimee then says oh so it wasnt that important to you

i say its not about important, its about hearing you guys lose it isnt worth enduring. its exhausting and stupid.

aimee then says oh. well. at the time, you looked younger than you were so.

i say irrelevant. i was running around the neighbourhood every day from 11 years old. there was never an issue then. im a grown adult and only then it was an issue.

she then goes on to try to use my disabilities and inconsistency with energy and cognitive clarity to justify saying that what's she supposed to think, clearly i cant handle myself outside alone

i say thats bullshit and have nothing to do with each other.

one second, to her, im more than capable. the next i need supervision. the ableism and infantilization and illogical conclusions is maddening and the reason im pissed and frustrated.

she tries to double down. i say no thata bullshit and youre being an asshole to think im completely unable to function or be treated like an adult because i struggle with some things sometimes.

she keeps going to acting like a child

i say DISABILITIES DO NOT MAKE SOMEONE A CHILD. thats bullshit and you know it

she then says well i should prove myself and do more to show im capable.

I SCREAM THAT I HAVE A DISABILITY. I DON'T NEED TO PROVE MYSELF TO MAKE YOU RESPECT THAT IM A FUCKING ADULT. theres nothing more i would do to prove anything to YOU, only to make MY LIFE BETTER because i fucking try hard every day and thats not CHANGING BECAUSE YOU need to get on board that im not doing this because im LAZY or im STUPID.

she tries to tell me i need to stop doing art. she says im not good at it. she sees me sitting there struggling and i cant think and im fighting myself and my mind and my emotions LIKE YEAH. IM FUCKKKKKK ACTIVATED. ALL THE TIME. and when i have actually PEACE AND IM NOT ANTICIPATING THE NEXT THING FROM HER THEN I GET IN THE FLOW. IM GOOD AT IT. IM GREAT AT IT.

AND that her ideas to do more manual work are not new and ive already thought about it and its already my goal and that i just needed the money from the gigs trying to get some breathing room and it was going well until recently and thats why im where im at with it but ive been doing so much better than i was a year ago

AND SHE ONLY SEES THE VERSION OF ME IN HER PRESENCE. WHICH IM ALWAYS ACTIVATED AND ON EDGE ANTICIPATING HER NEXT BULLSHIT CAMPAIGN TO START. FUCK!!!

amd that just because its not everything doesn't mean that hearing discouragement or criticism from my family, the people i live with, doesn't AFFECT ME AT ALL. im not detached from my emotions and reality like her

she tried to tell me she sees my lists and theyre so huge and im so disorganized with my brain building up them. up into huge things

i say I WILL KEEP DOING THAT. AND ALSO THAT SHE LITERALLY JUST MOCKED ME AND TOLD ME TO BREAK EVERYTHING DOWN INTO TINY STEPS. THE SAME FUCKING THING. TO MAKE THAT LONG LIST. FUCKING HELL

and aLSO that ive had this bylerween project for like a year and i still haven't finished it and i say i LITERALLY JUST STARTED MID JULY. SO NO, I HAVEN'T BEEN GOING ON AND ON ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS. ITS LITERALLY BEEN A MONTH AND IVE ONLY WORKED ON IT A FEW DAYS OVER THE LAST MONTH. and SHE DOES THIS AND STRETCHES ONE THING I DO INTO SOMETHING IM DOING CONSTANTLY FOREVER WHEN ITS BEEN ONCE OR TWICE OR IN THIS CASE A FUCKING MONTH AT MOST. this is the same as when i would get burnt out after a long stretch of trading or following a campaign and then id knock out for a day or two to rest and then she'd start screaming that ive been gone for WEEKS. she's not in fucking reality.

i also told her that i DONT know when my energy will run out or when im not going to be able to concentrate and when itll snap in and thats the whole fucking POINT.

she says i need to communicate better then

i say I DID. I AND WHEN I SAY SOMETHING AND IM HONEST ABOUT MY LIMITS OR IF IM UNSURE, SHE TELLS ME IM LAZY, I DONT WANT TO DO IT, IM SELFISH, IM ENJOYING SAYING NO TO HER, IM TRYING TO REBEL, IM X Y AND Z. SO WHAT'S THE POINT. I TRY. IT BECOMES WORSE THAN IF I SAID SOMETHING. AND SHE TELLS ME IM BEING DEFEATIST

she follows that with saying IM GETTING TOO ATTACHED TO THINKING I CANT DO THINGS. I FUCKING SCREAAAAMMMNMM

i tell her thats EXACTLY WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. im NOT TOO ATTACHED, IM NOT DEFEATIST. IM ACTUALLY VERY OPTIMISTIC DESPITE EVERYTHING AND THAT WHAT IM ACTUALLY DOING IS BEINH REALISTIC AND USING FACTS, OBSERVATIONS AND TERMINOLOGY AND A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF MYSELF AND MY DISABILITY TO UNDERSTAND WHATS HAPPENING AND COMMUNICATING IT.

if i say i can and fail then im detached from reality and immature and stupid. if i say i cant, then im defeatist and negative and lazy amd xyz. theres NO WINNING.

she says oh i see you get up to go out with your friends, i say YEAH AND YOU DONT SEE THE FUCKING MELTDOWNS I HAVE IN PRIVATE LEADING UP TO GOING OUT LITERALLY CRYING ON MY FLOOR. NOT BECAUSE IM UPSET BUT BECAUSE ITS JUST FUCKING HARD. at least when i finish and leave, i know ill have a good time and get to relax and its healing. whereas everything else is just more task and more tasks, no reprieve.

shes like okay well you gotta control that

I SCREAMMMMM

i say I DO. By SAYING NO AND TAKING TIME TO MYSELF AND GOING AT MY OWN PACE BUT I CAN'T ALWAYS DO EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE I HAVE A GOOD TIME OF IT SO THAT'S SOMETIMES THE RESULT.

she also says she thinks of me going ON WALKSSSSSSSSSSSSS AS ME REBELLING. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKKKKKK.

shes like why.

i say TO HAVE FRESH AIR? EXERCISE? SUNSHINE? TIME ALONE? TO DRINK MY WATER BOTTLE? WHY WOULD I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M WALKING

she's like oh. well. idk i feel like you're rebelling and not telling anyone where you are etc etc.

i say I GO ON A WALK. EVERY FUCKING DAY. EVERYONE KNOWS WHERE I AM. IM ALWAYS A CALL AWAY. IM ALWAYS NEARBY. EVEN WITH THE CAR, IM NEVER FARTHER THAN TEN MINUTES, FIFTEEN TOPS AWAY.

im like dads always in a million places in and out of the house. he doesn't have to tell anyone hes outside.

well he's on the property in walking distance

ik like SO AM I

she starts getting mad like im being absurd

I'm like don't FUCKING START. you KNOW VERY WELL im not talking about YOU walking to ME outside so DON'T EVEN PRETEND.

shes like well its annoying not knowing where you are and i shouldn't have to call you on the phone. you need to tell everybody in the house.

im like EVERYYYYYBODY?

shes like YES EVERYBODY.

im like NO THE HELL I DON'T. I CANNNNN TELL PEOPLE BUT I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO TELL ANYBODY!! WE'RE ALL GROWN ADULTS IN THIS HOUSE!!

shes like well mom gets annoyed and you dont see it

IM LIKE SO WHAT??? THEN SHE CALLS. THEY LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT TELLING ME ALL THE TIME. IM ANNOYED FOR A SECOND. THEN I REALIZE THEYRE OUT. SO I CALL THEM. PROBLEM SOLVED. NOT THEIR PROBLEM AND NOT MINE EITHER.

why is this supposed to apply to ONLY ME. YET AGAIN THE INFANTILIZATION. FUCK YOU.

anyway. im tired. its 1:33am and i yet again wasted more energy on this shit when ive got like 36 hours until my meeting. fUCK.

oh yeah i frgt i thing.

i told her to shut up about being an authority figure FUCKING HELL. even if its not EVERYTHING, JUST BECAUSE IM AFFECTED AT ALLLL BY MY FAMILY AND HOW THEY TREAT ME DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S MY FUCKING AUTHORITY FIGURE

FUCK

i just cant get over what she did last night.

i extend an olive branch and start saying im sorry if its a lot that dad and i are saying all at once and she's like "oh this isnt about me" i say oh ok etc etc. a few minutes prior i was explaining why the infantilization and put downs hurt my feelings. so then she says, "im not the one who's hurt" followed by this CREEPY ASS SMILE. SMUG LIKE SHES ENJOYING THAT IM UPSET. I FUCKING HAAAAAATE HER I HATE HER.

there was so much more to this conversation

anyway. her bottom line which she continued on WhatsApp after too was that i need to trade. LIKE HELL IM DOING ANYTHING WITH HER LMAOOOOOOOOO BYE.

i was like THE THING THAT BURNT ME OUT AFTER YOU JUST MOCKED ME FOR GETTING BURNT OUT BY TRADING???????! LMAOOOOOOOOOO!!!

i was like THE THING THAT BURNT ME OUT TO THE POINT OF INSANITY???? OVER A YEAR AGO?? LITERALLY INSANE ONE YEAR AGO?!?!

you gotta be fucking KIDDING me

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

"ill give you money to trade with" HELL NO!!!!!!! so she can try to use one more thing to control amd shame me with??? LITERALLY KILL ME before i trade a fucking thing and enter that hellscape that i already hate virtually while physically near her. KILLLL MEEEE FIRSTTTT.

i need to scream. i need to tell someone. i feel so FUCKING ALONE in this and all i have to talk to are my parents and i cant keep ranting to my friends. i did enough.

[forehead451]

i cannot stand her i cannot fucking STAND being around her.

im moving out as soon as possible and if it takes me across the continent, so be it. i dont even care anymore. i just want to be left alone and not live with or have to cooperate with someone who smiles at my distress and says they have nothing AT ALL to do with any of this.

i love my parents but they cant see that my response is after a lifetime of ramped up abuse. i have a hard enough time as it is on my own, i dont need someone tearing me down and trying to convince me that my very normal behaviours and thoughts and ways of doing or saying anything are evidence of how sick and stupid amd immature i am. i dont fucking CAAAAARE

get me out of here. i would never choose to live with her or my parents again if i had my way. its time i made my own way independent of them.

and that fucking scares me as someone who HAS support needs. but i cant keep not going for it because im scared of failing. i still gotta try.

just today, she was trying to insinuate that my ADHD is why i didn't think of a better idea for the workshop sooner. why i didn't think to make it a book and do the other things instead of her brilliant idea. but no wait, she says, i guess its not ADHD that did that...

insinuating that im stupid and that there's something wrong with me because im so stupid as to not come up with it sooner.

i was yelling at her tonight and my dad said i can't know what she's thinking. I CAN WHEN ITS HEAVILY IMPLIED AND SHE'S DONE IT A THOUSAND TIMES

im not fucking stupid. i can see it plainly as day. and she has to mock me for seeing the pattern because she knows im right when she usually says its a good thing and tries to get me to connect them even more.

i fucking hate her. she can turn any situation into shit when things were going great between us. when its in her favour. until its not.

[forehead451]

its like the second it wasnt beneficial to get along, she immediately switched up and started trying to turn a regular conversation into new evidence im naive and stupid and dont know shit. i cannot STAND her.

i was discussing a very normal subject about a study i'd heard about that was saying kids are craving unstructured play with friends and that kids need to be trusted to be unsupervised or they never learn essential skills and that todays parents dont let them go anywhere with friends without them or without being part of a planned activity and the kids are suffering for it. and we were talking about ways to keep the kids safe and risks of terrible people hurting them and i was simply expressing my dislike of trackers in general for anyone and didnt even get into WHY i disliked using them at all, regardless of if i might use one anyway given the circumstance, and she was immediately like "oh look at me i care sooo much about kids freedom kids freedom and im a kid too myself and blah blah blah" im like. okay. "can we change the subject because this conversation is turning this into something personal and im not sure why."

and shes like activated talking to me about this. i dont know why she hates me having an opinion on anything that isnt directly related to my life as if i dont exist in the world but it makes her literally insane. SHE can't stand that im adult and shes making it like i think I'm a child. i very much do NOT. i care because i value autonomy and giving children freedom to grow outside of small nuclear families when so much of life has become isolated and the most vulnerable populations suffer for it.

i dont have to think im a child to understand OR personally relate to what that feels like. wild because (now im making it personal) SHE'S the one always talking about how our world was so small growing up and she suffered because of it.

[forehead451]

thinking about how id be sick af yet have to go to school as long as i don't have a fever

but i was there sick multiple times a year that i came up with an operation to deal with it

carried around a roll of toilet paper amd a tissue box and a plastic bag (my garbage/spit bag) and my nose would be running SO MUCH that i eventually constructed the perfect double plug like a bull ring in my nose. it was DISGUSTING. ive never seen anyone at school as sick as i was.

WHY was i not kept home. it wasn't like I needed supervision or anything. WHY WAS I NOT KEPT AT HOME IN MY BED TO REST AMD RECOVER AND NOT MAKE EVERYONE ELSE SICK TOO.

WHY DID THEY SEND ME TO SCHOOL WITHOUT A THOUGHT OR EVEN FIGHT ME WHEN I SAID I COULDN'T GO TO SCHOOL IN THAT STATE

it just gets me sometimes.

they were so involved in their own stressful minds and work and hating each other and church church church that they couldn't do the bare fucking minimum and let their kid stay home from school when they were snotting and drooling like a faucet.

it was humiliating, then. now its heartbreaking to me. id be upset seeing any kid at school trying to keep up like that.

it really felt like i spent my childhood being there all the time but no body was looking at me ever. no one to ask me questions that weren't a precursor to punishment. just questions of curiosity. how do i feel, what do i think. or even to talk to me about anything, teach me something that, again, isnt a precursor to punishment.

talk to me other than to regulate themselves by projecting all their insecurities onto me and scream about how stupid, lazy, ungrateful, selfish and deceitful i am.

and yet they were so sweet. its crazy making. how are these the same people. then AND today. the sweetest people NOW. its not fair and i cant even begin to feel how much it hurt me.

oh. i can feel it rising through my veins in my chest/my lungs. i dont want to upset myself rn. its time to sleep.

[forehead451]

i finally told her in *typed* words (so she can hear me) that she's taking out her stress on me and using me to regulate her nervous system and that its unfair and nonsensical. that she cant use me to fit any plans she has and punish me when i dare to have autonomy.

i was even kind to say that i love her, that me having my own plans and goals is not me abandoning her, that she's right to ask for help, and that i do want to help her and want good things for our family.

i also said that me taking care of myself and doing what i think is best for me and my goals and health is good for the family too.

i told her to stop trying to control me because she's feeling out of control in her life.

she hasnt emerged from her room since and only responded with a heart reaction.

we'll see how she's taken it when i see her again. and im sure she's freaking out in her room bc of work, but hopefully being outside on the balcony in the sun and having quiet time after a week of overstimulation will give her a reset and second to pause and think.

[forehead451]

feel like i finished the rollercoaster but im walking to the next one and i cant talk or do or think of anything else bc ik the next rollercoaster is coming but a crowd of people are asking me to solve math equations and fix a car and impress a new lover and take care of a baby on the way there simultaneously

[forehead451]

yes you have to answer to yourself and yourself alone. at the end of the day, you make the decision whether to honour your plans and goals or not.

and

living with someone who knows you struggle with your own perception of things, who exploits that by calculatedly using your insecurities against you and diminishing anything you think is important into nothing so that you will bend to their will at any cost WILL make you insane.

i cannot wait to get away from her. she makes me SICK and i hate that i betray myself EVEN KNOWING that she lords her control over me.

I HATE THAT I DID THIS TO MYSELF. AND IM SO SORRY TO ME FOR DOING THAT.

and now im going to make it right with me. im going to be kind to myself, forgive myself, do what i want/need to do and IGNORE EVERY SUGGESTION OR DEMAND SHE EVER TRIES TO GIVE ME.

NEVER FUCKING AGAIN.

[forehead451]

turns out the high anxiety jitters do come back. and now idk if medication had ANYthing to do with the fact that it went away for years. maybe it was all me and managing my life. maybe its the fact that i wont have access to my room that gets it revved up. idk.

[forehead451]

my sister is so creepy.

she comes into my room to ask me to paint the kitchen this week. i am already behind in work. i tell her no, I can't do it, there's no more room in my schedule.

she continues to put down and diminish my to-do list this week, saying im overthinking and imagining that i have things to do when I don't.

i KNOW i do. but i am often so neurotic that I question if she's right. like, maybe im just overwhelmed and anxious. (i am but not bc im imagining what i need to do this week).

she goes on to tell me why im avoiding the task and that i need to get off my ass and do what i need to "alright, kiddo?" she shoots me the creepiest smile.

later, she corners me while im in the shower. i cant look her in the eye and i can't escape. perfect for her.

she tells me actually, i should not pursue art anymore and i need to find a manual labour job because i am not capable of art and i need to practice without pressure.

i tell her, its so confusing to even consider her advice when she just told me two days before was the complete opposite.

she laughs at me, literally laughs, and says "i know im your authority figure but--" and continues on to condescend and diminish me, my goals, and my abilities. just to get me to paint the kitchen this week.

she's so fucking creepy and i was too emotionally weak. so guess what i did this week.

i painted the kitchen and neglected my actual necessary tasks for MY GOALS. im so angry at myself for being manipulated.

what i need to do?

remember that:

i honour my body, mind, and values

i do not exist for others' approval

i trust myself to know whats best for me

[forehead451]

As an autistic person, you can literally tell someone "I mean this genuinely and literally and this is all genuinely good faith. I mean this all completely neutrally, I'm not implying anything else and this is all extremely literal and good faith" and someone will still misconstrue you in ways you never thought was possible.

[forehead451]

so.

just spoke to K and it turns out she speaks to her the exact same way.

she'll tell K about a bad situation, K will respond to say sorry, then she'll say "why are you sorry. why are you wasting your breath and energy to say that" and go into a lecture on why its a waste of time.

she's lost it. truly LOST IT.

[forehead451]

i always forget that im trans too. holy shit. not as hard as being a transman or woman but still. im under the umbrella. i forget she's also being hateful to ME TOO and im mad ENOUGH ALREADY

[forehead451]

is actually DISGUSTSSSSSSS MEEEEEE

she really hates trans people. like. viscerally. like in the actual way "gay panic" is supposed to mean. she feels violently towards trans people and feels like they're trying to "trick" her. i hate this so much. idk what HAPPENED to her except being radicalized by crypto circles and thinking that just bc she's not alt-right means she's correct and aware. i cannot stand it and she thinks im insane when i address it and sees any emotion as illogical. she's gone.

[forehead451]

im getting so angry

we've had to hangout with family and shes making money so my sister's been pleasant lately. i was telling her about my tumblr friend who's visitors this fall and she kept making a stank face the whole time and acting fucking weird and finally asked "is she a BIOLOGICAL FEMALE?" i was about to explode. she knows VERY WELL what I'm thinking and how mad that makes me and how transphobic she is.

anyway. the moment i said she's cis and kept talking, my sister was suddenly VERY enthusiastic to talk about my friend and what we should do when she comes.

JFC.

[forehead451]

AHRGXHDZYISURTXIGZRU