foreveruntitlededed

[foreveruntitlededed]

i cant stop thinking about him

05/04/2025

This is my first entry but it feels like my millionth. You are single handedly one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me, yet I also wish I had never met you. I don't mean that. The thought of confessing to you orbits my mind like a satellite, it also takes over like a parasite. I know you're exactly who you are. My mind doesn't let me think of you as anyone else. You are him, you are the flower in my garden I never planted that's taking over like a weed. No, like a wildflower. No. The truth is I let you in. The truth is I never wanted you to stay. I meant to type leave but my hands typed stay. That isn’t true. I never wanted you to leave. I want you to stay. Typing it feels wrong but it’s what my mind is telling me. “I want you to stay” see that time i meant to type leave to see if it felt more correct. My body genuinely cannot tell the difference between love and disdain for you. I don’t even hate you, I really can’t, I cannot find it in my body to hate you. I can admit it hurts to think about you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate what you’ve done to me. I hate that I know you’re not mine and you don't want to be. I hate it so much that all I want to be is in your arms. I do everything I can to not think about you. I’m not really one to linger on things that I know I can’t have. I can’t even be mad if you don't feel the same. 

You haven’t really done anything major that led me here. I think that’s why I hate this. I hate this more than you do. It brings me to tears knowing that if we were to ever recreate that ending scene from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before where LJ confesses to Peter, this story, my story, our, our? The story where I confess to you with your back turned to me does not end the same. You might even stop me early or I might not even make it past the first two sentences. If I knew that was a possibility, why’d I even write it? Why do I bother letting you know how badly you’ve done irreversible things to me. I can’t even list these things as good or bad because the good does bad for me and the bad is excusable because technically you are nothing to me. You are everything right now. You are everything I’ve asked for, everything I have ever begged for from any god that would listen to me describing you to a T. Everyone I have ever been with, I am wrapped in the ribbons of lust and it blinds me. With you, you , you immortal being to my lives, you everlasting thing, you flower, you, the one I wish I had never met but have always dreamt of, with you I could sit on your lap like that one fateful day and stare into your eyes and not think of a single thing. You could rest your hand on my face and I would melt as if I am right where I’m meant to be. But you look at me, you look at me like you know I am not melting into you, I am melting period. I am falling and you are a knight in shining armor, You, you know I am waiting for you to catch me. You catch me with a veil on so I don’t know it’s you. You are trying to save me from you. I was going to say that you were the one to push me, but realistically, you are just the last thing I see before falling. You are the first thought of every morning and the last thought of every night and because you are forever lasting in my mind, you are everyone I have ever liked. You would’ve thought it would be the other way around and that everyone is you but no. You feel like someone I have always known, you feel like the first thing ever to me. You make me feel too weak to tell you how I feel. Everything about you, makes me feel almost guilty. I feel bad for everyone else that comes after you. I don't know what comes after you. I don't even know what's after this never-ending entry. If I don’t stop soon I will never stop writing. I will stop here. But it doesn't really matter if I stop writing, if this feeling never goes away- I just forget it's there.