frozenravenclaw

[frozenravenclaw]

Some realizations I had in the last few days

— I’m never going to be good enough to make anyone stay

— I’m needy and pathetic, clingy and annoying. No one wants that

— I’m so inconsequential that I’m not even worth being told by people that they don’t want to talk to me

— there’s something terribly repulsive and unlovable about me

— my sadness will be the only thing that will be there for me so I need to hold on to it

— happiness isn’t for me

— I need to stop trying and accept my fate of dying alone. Let’s face it, why would anyone want me

[frozenravenclaw]

Does anyone else ever feel like you need to apologize to everyone for just the fact that you exist?

Because I do all the time

[frozenravenclaw]

The thing about self harm that no one says

Trigger warning! Obviously.

When you start, I mean the very first time it’s not about making yourself feel something. Well it kind of is but not in the way you think. It’s about punishing yourself. I don’t know what everyone’s experience is, but I was trying to punish myself for being failure. I self harmed for the first time because I got a bad grade on math homework. It was really sloppy the first time. I got a pair of scissors and just cut the skin on my hands. I thought my wrists were too sensitive. The second time probably starting with the accident. That was once my depression had been acting up. I say probably because the second time you’ve already done it before. It didn’t matter, so I don’t remember. I don’t remember most the times I cut. But I remember a few specific incidences. I remember the first time I did it with a razor. That hust like hell. I don’t know why but the kitchen knife felt so much better than a razor. I remember doing it a lot though. They all kind of blend together when I try to think of it. I would listen to the song Absolutely and get out the small kitchen knife that I kept next to my bed. I would only cut my shoulders, and if you think that feels any better than anywhere else you’re wrong. Because I have a cut and others places before but I would only cut my shoulders when self harming when I was going it regularly. Unlike most people I don’t have scars. And there’s this whole stigma about when you self harm you need to leave scars. I just went lightly enough that it wouldn’t leave scars but went on my entire shoulder like as much as I could reach with it still being covered up by short sleeves. One of my best friends at the time literally told me that it wasn’t seriously self harming if I didn’t have scars. I was basically told that my problem didn’t matter as much as hers because I did it differently. The song Absolutely still makes me have flashbacks. Self harming is an addiction like any other. It’s kind of like the one thing you’re not told not to do as a child. So a lot of the smart people who suffer from mental illness that I now use that as their unhealthy coping mechanism. For me I wasn’t told self harm was a bad thing until it was way too late. I cut for about five months I think. I still have cravings to do it. I still have flashbacks of when I did, it where I kept the knife, everything. Sometimes a hold a knife or razor or something of that my skin and just wait. Wait for me either to do something or for someone to come in and stop me. Neither of those ever happen. I couldn’t even go a year without doing it again. It was mere days before my one year anniversary and I relapsed and that was a year ago. And I’ve relapsed after that too. No one mentions that self harming doesn’t start as a coping mechanism. They all say that it won’t make you feel any better. But it does. But right after it’s over you feel worse. I’ve never heard someone describe it as an addiction. They act like it’s something you can just get over. And it is treated less bad then alcohol use or drug use. Saying I used to cut just sounds so stupid nowadays. People act like it’s not something that lasts your entire lifetime.

[frozenravenclaw]

i wish there was no tomorrow

[frozenravenclaw]

[frozenravenclaw]

You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

[frozenravenclaw]

You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

[frozenravenclaw]

You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

[frozenravenclaw]

29/07/2018

[frozenravenclaw]

You need a private talk? Just send me an ask!:)

[frozenravenclaw]

[frozenravenclaw]

We put on these masks of happiness, not for you but for ourselves. Because if we pretend to be happy we might some how convince ourselves that we really are.

A girl with a mask

[frozenravenclaw]

[frozenravenclaw]

everyone needs to see this.

[frozenravenclaw]

[frozenravenclaw]

I need to realize that it’s okay to drop people out of your life that do you no good

[frozenravenclaw]