gakomondad

[gakomondad]

Day 30 - It's over

I reached out to her to confirm if its over since I didnt want to finish things while at work on Tuesday and I felt its..over

I thought it was a mistake for me to write today but I also am happy I did since she did end it all...

She needs to be alone and not in a relationship because she can be a people pleaser and gets consumed in it or something, I didn't understand

I wish her the best I deleted the telegram chat

Disconected the sumone and obimy apps

Deleted all media from the Discord chat

I was kinda ready for this but it hurts...

I feel so heart broken...

No more Duolingo...

What a horrible, toxic couple of months... and I let it happen...

I need to hit the gym

Focus on hobbies

On gratitude

Family

Friends

I'm gonna drink some alcohol tonight, not a lot but some, I am super weak...

I need some time to forget her

I've reached out for help from friends

Anything French now will remind me of her

I need to set aside time to process the sadness attached to that and then I need something new that's French to wash away the emotions that are attached

I need something else that's positive

It's hard to breathe

There is so much hatered inside of me rn

I should have seen all of this coming yet I acted like I was younger

From all of this I learnt

A person needs to have interest in you, to desire you, find you attractive ( she had that, I liked that )

A person needs to be more of an honest book, not private and whitdrawn, it just doesnt work with me if they hide identity so they can bail, never again... that's their own issue, that they should carry on their shoulders, not mine

People lie...

[gakomondad]

Day 29 - Working on acceptance

It is difficult

Trying to accept her not being a part of my life while not rejecting her being a part of my past

It is difficult

She is so beautiful... her voice... I love her presence in my life...

Being monogamous has been a breeze unexpectedly

There is so much I wanna do for this woman... to this woman...

I love her...

But I fear she doesn't... not enough at least...

2 more days to go I guess...

[gakomondad]

Day 28 - Worry

I feel like baby might say she loves me but doesn't want a relationship

I think that will be the most likely outcome

If that is the case, she might whitdraw a bit from tumblr until its time to talk, just an assumption, but who knows

I feel like the above is most likely

I do fear that she might have found someone else or that something happened or that she doesnt love me anymore, but I really can't do anything about that either so... it is what it is... will see... I think least likely would be that she wants a relationship with me...

I think I need to start accepting that

Yet if magically stuff would be okay, I don't want to have worked towards the opposite...

I have been loyal and patient, I have focused on my life and wellbeing, but this whole thing going on for sooooo long... makes it difficult to focus on myself

I was ready to do whatever I can for us to be together and I guess I have been doing that to a good degree

During the first 2 months I adjusted to her comfort level, despite it being uncomfortable to me

I pushed away my own anxiety so she doesn't feel more anxiety

I even did this whole seperation knowing there is little chance for success

I've readjusted a lot and explored more and more of my issues specifically with human interaction and relationships

I know baby also did a lot, I would never deny that, maybe it felt like she had the whole world on her shoulders and I did nothing, idk

However, I wanted this to work, that was my focus...

While I feel that she just liked something about me

I hope I am wrong... there is something special about her...

Anyway, because of all of this... the effort, strong desire for her to be in my life... the more time passes... the harder it gets...

And the more time closes to the 29th... the more anxious I become...

So I wanna be hopeful and fair to her if stuff magically goes well...

But I feel like it won't so I should accept it and wait for it to end on the 29th

Faith vs Fear

3 days to go...

[gakomondad]

Day 27 - More anxious

4 more days left

For some reason I'm getting more and more anxious with time

I know I shoulld stop anticipating and just accept faith

But I can't stop trying to guess what will happen

I guess thats anxiety and worry

I'll try to adopt a more stoic approach tomorrow

Will see what will happen

[gakomondad]

Day 26 - Anxious

I am getting too anxious, it's been a while without any feedback

So my body doesnt know how to calm down

5 days and nights to go from tomorrow

And I am not sure if I should prepare for the worst

I feel like even if she loves me, she might want to break up, not ready nor desiring a relationship

I should just not worry

I will be alright no matter, I just want her

I know that's greedy and maybe unrealistic

If she still wants me, I wonder if it would be healthy

I feel that she might have felt huge relief from all of this even if she missed me

And if we get back together, I feel that it would take time to get to a point she needs that relief again

I don't want a cycle

5 more days to go...

[gakomondad]

Day 25 - A week more to go...

Can't believe I am stuck in this

Is it trust that I am missing? Is it faith?

I feel like life has frozen

I have been focusing on myself, doing better than ever pretty much

But I feel like I want to share that with someone I love

And I am not sure if she loves me enough or if this will work anyway

So I have purposefully pushed females away, I only want her

Tho I feel like that might be an impossible want

So am I foolish...

I feel stuck.

[gakomondad]

Day 24 - Why

Why do I continue to post on here even if I put minimal effort

It probably means something is confused inside of me?

I love her

I miss her

But I think she wasn't honest with me about a lot of things

That on top of how she didn't want to share things in general and how private she was

I love her

But I don't want that type of relationship

If honesty is missing... Its not for me

I understand I can help and make her more comfortable expressing herself

I hurt her twice

I understand that

I can do better

It's just means I need to be extra vigilant with what I say

Cause if it was someone else they would likely not react as harshly when I said what I said

Same goes on the other side, I tend to get really sensitive as well

So maybe this whole thing is too much to handle if we both dont improve

And I am not sure if a month is enough

Although I am willing to work on stuff slowly long term with her

But for the partnership to be there we need to establish that we are sensitive and have some way to deal with that

I dont know

I love her

I miss her

I dont like this

[gakomondad]

Day 23 - Good day (late a day)

Very productive Sunday

[gakomondad]

Day 22 - Meh (late a day)

...

[gakomondad]

Day 21

Feeling stable, strong and uplifted

Good day

Will see how this goes

Miss baby but not sure if she misses me, had a "like" to "like" interaction on tumblr with her today, a bit weird but was fun

I still don't like the separation so I am just not thinking about it and focusing on my own stuff

[gakomondad]

Day 20 - Uneventful

Thinking of going to Switzerland for a week in March

Feeling good

[gakomondad]

Day 19 - Tired

Tired

Miss baby

Uneventful

[gakomondad]

Day 18 - Super tired

Uneventful

Mirror in bathroom got cracked while I wasn't home

The place is either haunted or the chemicals from yesteday were too strong

Am super tired...

Miss baby

[gakomondad]

Day 17 - Poison

Day was good

Was tired but was good

Water dropplets stopped drying in the bathroom in the last couple of weeks, or I guess are super slow to dry

So mold has started accumilating super fast in all kinds of places likely due to faulty fan venting and it getting colder even tho it wasn't really a problem before

My dad and I investigated and are gonna fix it plus do a general bathroom resetup, but the resetup in the future, that won't be cheap but would be cool

All so its easier in general since its weirdly setup rn

I read that even if not visable mold should be destroyed cause if you let it live just a teeny bit, mofo will spread out in a humid environment and I think that's how it appeared so quick

So I got this super strong spray thing

Got goggles on and sprayed with a closed door EVERY LITTLE CORNER of the bathroom, no matter clean, modly, dirty, shiny... okay I avoided metal parts cause idk what it would do to them, I messed up stuff in the past and it took a while to fix the metal parts, so I avoid unless its a chem for metal

Goggles were good, but after I left it rest and got inside to water it down

Shit got in the air hardcore and I didnt get out until I finished

I usually don't do stuff like that, wait I do usually do stupid things even if dangerous... thats how I hurt my leg 😩

I always clean stuff with heavy chemicals just not like that and not for so long

I have this lighter spray that i've spot used and have done so occasionally and that wasn't a problem before so maybe this was excessive... maybe venting also helped a lot in the past... ANYWHO So now whole appartment is kinda not okay lmao

My dad has asthma and dude wanted to get some measurements for the ceiling, another day old man haha, had to push him away I cleaned myself up, that was fun, I have accumilated so many different chemicals for all kinds of cleaning that are SUPER hard, I like going for industrial grade stuff with as much WARNING labels on it so I know it works no matter how expensive it is 😩

My mom always asks me where I've bought stuff from haha

Was an overall good day, eyes sting a bit but I've cleaned them well, they will be fine There are some electrical rewiring my dad and I gotta do in the living room, that would be fun but also not sure how much time it needs since I get off of work fairly late these days

Will see

Hope baby is okay (:

[gakomondad]

Day 16 - Exhausted (posting on day 17)

Was exhausted

Slept in for a long time

Went out with uncle

Got home, slept early but had sleep paralisys nightmares

I wasn't scared, was too tired to deal with them but they didnt stop so I decided to wake up

After a bit I slept and woke up for the morning but during the night I was just turning over restlessly

Didn't feel like I slept well

Didn't take time to write this, but did Duolingo and took my pills

[gakomondad]

Day 15 - Good day

Improved a lot with my parents

Gonna see my uncle tomorrow

Was very productive and open

Talked to baby today

She seemed like she is doing better but am not 100% sure, maybe she was just tired That was a good time tho, really appreciated it

Will talk to her again on the 29th

I hope we can establish a relationship after that but if not its okay

Will have to see what happens (:

I'll continue working on myself

Today she really reasured me so that was very helpful

Am tired, will slowly go to bed

[gakomondad]

Day 14 - Great day

Got some AWESOME hardware gear from work, was super fun

Got a new PC, will need to upgrade some parts

Will prepare my old one for my dad

Got a monitor

Got a lot of audio mixer gear thats super expensive

Great day...

Baby posted something about someone, I was in a hurry in general so when I saw it I thought I did something wrong so I messaged her, still not sure whats up but I hope she is doing okay

Was at my parents for a couple of hours, was pretty good, getting a stronger, more real connection with them

Im gonna relax, lots of stuff to do tomorrow

Oh right, baby and I have a sync up as well, not sure when we will do it, hopefully she is alright and it will go fine

I miss her...