gameofsuperdead

[gameofsuperdead]

Just made me cackle like a 13 year old boy. Your mom.

[gameofsuperdead]

When I think of you, the edges of my sight go blurry, and my skin turns flush. You catch my breath.

[gameofsuperdead]

Let's focus on bullying a non-white company in to giving us 50% ownership so we can continue to line our pockets and do nothing of substance to actually help our people, is so Elitist American coded.

[gameofsuperdead]

This is long, but I need to tell you this because I have noone else.  Noone else will understand and you are the most appropriate person to tell and I have to say it because when I sit alone with myself, my thoughts, it drowns me. I drown.

I hate myself.  I hate myself and I hate the prospect that I am going to be alone and lonely for the rest of whatever amount of life I have left. I genuinely do not understand why I can't have what seems to come so easily to so many other people but I also don't want to be the type of person that places any weight in who I am as a person, according to whether or not I am in a relationship - I hate that. 

I really felt very strongly that you were who I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  And when that didn't happen, it quite literally broke me.  It left me empty, hard, jaded.  I spent from 2019 to just over a week ago with another man that I was incapable of truly loving. I wasn't able to trust him, to open up to him, to rely on him, in any way.  And that relationship wasn't meant to last, he was a rebound. He was a way for me to try to stay away from you.  It was so nice in the beginning, because he said nice things.  That was literally it.  He just said nice things.  So I completely ignored all of the other red flags, things that I knew I was never going to be able to reconcile or come to terms with, but I still let him move in.  And I still chose to let him share my space with me and the boys.  And I never should have.  And because I did, it allowed that relationship to persist for much much longer than it should have.

But even after he finally left, I was sad.  I loved him like you love a person that has been in your life for 5 years, like another human being that you care for, but I wasn't in love with him.  I dont think I'm capable of that anymore.  But it still hurt after he was gone, even though I made him leave, I wanted him gone.  It made me sad.  Lonely.  Even more convinced that I'm not going to have what I want. Maybe if I could've loved him, could've trusted him, could've coddled him, he could've been better.  Been what I needed.  Not been so selfish, and immature, and entitled and wanted to learn how to be a father figure and have hopes and ambition and a desire to work towards things, to want and be better.  Or maybe he couldn't, because he was also damaged, or just a Narcissist. But I still internalize it and make it my fault.

Just like I internalize me and you, and make us my fault.  And everything that happened to the boys and everything that they continue to go through, spoils me.  Rots me. And its partly because I can't justify why as horrible as you became, I still loved you. Still have love for you.  And I cant make that make sense.  I still mourn for us, for what we could and should have been and should be.  And a normal person would've have moved on so fast and any time any memory of our time that may have crept up, it would've sent them into a rage with such a fire that it forged them into some new spectacular force of a human, a better most best version of themself and they never would have thought about you or us again and felt any sadness or remorse or loss.

But I'm not that person.  I stay sad.  And I stay longing. And I stay lost. And I shouldnt.  And it makes me feel like there is something terribly wrong with me.  Loving you makes me sad. And when I try to forget to love you, I try to remember all the awful things instead and use the fuel of how it affected the boys to burn all that love away. And sometimes it does.  But in the ash is always ALWAYS an ember that is more love than hate.  And it makes me feel like a terrible mother.  Just the worst.  And it makes me feel like I don't want to be in another relationship because it isnt us, and so I cant trust it because The One that was supposed to be My One, I couldn't trust and if I couldn't trust that, then I can't trust myself and if I can't trust myself then I can't trust anyone, or anything.  And then I circle back to just being me.  And I wish, I wish I could be happy with that.  I need to learn how to be happy with me and just me and not need the thing that I know I can't have.  Because I cant have you and I cant have us and I cant see any alternative.  I am irreparable.  And I'm trying not to be, but it is very very hard.

[gameofsuperdead]

So strange that opposites can simultaneously be true. I'm at peace now that you are gone, but also, your absence is so heavy that I haven't slept right in days. I'm free and lonely. My space is now so uncluttered and clean and I can breath, but the emptiness is suffocating. I had to buy a body pillow, sound machine and fan to fill the darkness at bedtime. I think I may sleep tonight.

[gameofsuperdead]

I know the relationship was shitty. Couldn't even be called a relationship, really. I am just as glad as everyone else that it's over, but just once, instead of my friends telling me "Yay! Congratulations! 🙌" I wish they would say "I'm sorry."

[gameofsuperdead]

BK really filling our cups with canned Coke & Dr. P 😂😭😂 #CantStopWontStop

[gameofsuperdead]

Jesus really saying 😏

💀

[gameofsuperdead]

I just really want to understand what it is about me, that makes men use me and abuse me and care absolutely nothing for me. I am in my late 30s and am 3 for 3 in relationships that turn out this way, so clearly I'm the issue.

[gameofsuperdead]

"Your boobs sag because you don't wear a supportive bra at bedtime."

No, Mildred, my boobs sag because they are natural & humongous. If you ARE sleeping in a bra, instead of rolling around & suffocating yourself or nabbing yourself in your armpits - like nature intended - you are Unwell.

[gameofsuperdead]

"I'm so glad he got his shit together and is doing better and life is really working out for him."

He ruined our lives, but sure, I'm glad he turned his around. That's what we are supposed to say, that's the goal, right?

[gameofsuperdead]

I loved someone, until I couldn't;

Then I was forced, until I wasn't.

[gameofsuperdead]

Five dollar pizzas are now $5.99, dollar store items are a $1.25...Start calling me Fancy I guess cause Momma's gonna have to work Uptown with these prices.

[gameofsuperdead]

A friend was complaining that there aren't strapless bras that support us top-heavier dames. My stance is, strapless bras are big dumb: If my titties are small enough that a strapless bra works, then I'm fucking freeballing baby, no bra, nipples invading your brain space. Idc.

[gameofsuperdead]

"I'm so lonely, I just need someone to talk to, I really want a bOyFrIeNd."

No ma'am. No you do noT. Buy yourself a dildo, and come talk to me tomorrow - see if you still feel the same.

[gameofsuperdead]

I never ask for anything, but just this once, I need a favor. I need you to be the brave one and admit that what we have isn't...fulfilling. I could never ask you to leave, so I need you to decide to make that call for us. I know you won't.

[gameofsuperdead]

Applied press-on nails and bound my hair up in a banana clip this morning, immediately felt as if I were possessed by my deceased grandmother. #34IsTheNew54