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Been in Indiana for almost 5 days now. That’s crazy. The weather is a lot to get used to (as it is cold as fuvk and there is currently snow on the ground) but I’m loving every minute!

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Just a little update here. We made it safely to Indiana on the evening of the 3rd around 8-9ish. It was the longest drive I’ve ever made in my life. I’ve been brutally exhausted for days now. All around, I feel tons better, being away from everyone and everything that had me feeling worthless. Plus the people I care about are safe too. I still think about D sometimes, he made his choice so I don’t know why my brain keeps going back and repeating every moment he and I ever had. Why do I love what’s not good for me? Why does anyone love anyone that’s not good for them? What’s the point of that.. is it so we can learn from these things? Or is someone actually taking a sick pleasure in everyone’s pain.

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5 more days until I move out of Texas. I’m so excited to finally get a clean start.

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I want to go back.

Back to when everything made sense, and I didn’t feel worthless.

Back to being naive and not knowing what pain is.. physical and emotional.

Back before they destroyed me.

Back to where I didn’t feel so alone.

I’m so tired.. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

I’ve been fighting for too long…

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Not gonna lie. I kind of needed to hear this. Because you’re right, she’s never gonna apologize. She’s had my whole life to grow up and be a parent. Maybe I can forgive her someday… but that’s a conversation for another time…

heal. your mom may never apologize to you, because she has conditioned herself to believe that she did right by you. she hasn't healed. heal anyway. your father may never apologize to you, because he can only see what he's done right. he hasn't healed. your family members may never apologize to you, because toxicity is what they were raised on. they haven't healed. heal anyway. that "friend" may never apologize to you, because he/she isn't sorry. he/she hasn't healed. if/when they reach their healing, they may seek your forgiveness. be so healed that it won't even matter. heal for you. you owe yourself that much.

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Ada Limón, “To Be Made Whole”, On Being with Krista Tippett

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I had a… traumatic childhood… too much bad sh*t to bring up… I learned recently that my egg donor (aka my birth mother) made a deal with her dealer that if he bails her out of jail, he can have me to do what he wishes… this man came to my job and made my life hell. I ended up moving a couple hours away with plans to save my money and move completely out of state for my own safety. Maybe then I can finally be okay. Has anyone else had to deal with familial trauma/abuse? Is moving out of state the right move? I do feel like it would help some… any advice would be appreciated. I’ve already deleted majority of my social media and changed my number as to ward off any unwanted contact. Is there anything else I can do until I’m safely out of state?

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Do other people have a conscience?

Sitting here, my mind racing as usual.. the thought came to mind wondering if my mother or anyone who has hurt myself or anyone actually has a conscience? I mean; I can’t say or do anything wrong without immediately feeling like shit and it keeping me awake.. I understand it may not be the same for most but do they think about it? Like, “hey, that girl I bullied way back when, I still think of her and what I did weighs heavy on my heart”

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 Andrea Gibson, You Better Be Lightning

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