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DEATH OF A PRESIDENT

In the earliest hours of the morning of August 30th 2023, President Donald J Trump passed away 3 years into his second term in office.

The president succumbed to extreme food poisoning brought on by the consumption of an ancient and very much expired McHotDog ordered from a fast food collector’s website.

The McHotDog was an unpopular menu item introduced to the eating public by McDonald’s in 1995 and discontinued that same year. The particular sausage in question was at least 28 years old and much worse for wear when the president ate it.

The president ordered the McHotDog online and paid extra for rush shipping. Sources close to the president say that he often purchased artifacts from the early 90s in an effort to relive his glory days (experts estimate that his career peaked in 1992 when he cameoed as himself in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York). Also found amongst the president’s possessions was a case of OK Soda and a copy of The Fugitive on LaserDisk.

The McHotDog arrived at the White House at approximately 11:35 am, but didn’t end up in the president’s hands until 6:13 pm after sitting in a box on the front steps of the White House, in the sweltering 101 degree DC heat, for over 5 hours. Senior Secret Service agent Mark Ryan said ordinarily when a parcel is delivered to the White House it is brought inside immediately, but the odor emanating from the package was so alarming that our dogs detected it from two wings away. It was immediately tagged as a potential chemical weapon and wasn’t moved until cleared when the president looked out the 2nd story window and asked if anyone was going to bring him the package he ordered.

Trump opened the package in the oval office where he was having a team meeting to discuss the possibility of signing an executive order making firearm training a required course for 2nd graders. Immediately upon unsealing the box the stench of the hot dog caused roughly 10% of people in the room to immediately vacate. Then the president produced his George Foreman Grill from under his desk and proceeded to cook the McHotDog. He also used ketchup packs kept in his top desk drawer to dress the McHotDog.

Staff, Secret Service, members of the press, foreign officials and the first family pleaded with the Commander in Chief not to ear the obviously rancid weenie (the sole exception being Donald Trump Jr. who enthusiastically egged his father on), but Trump was having none of it. 

“I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been… probably, you know, the healthiest person in this room right now. And I’ve eaten a lot of fast food hotdogs in my time. A lot of junk food in general actually. Not a lot really, but you know enough to know what I can handle.”

Everyone watched in shock and aww as POTUS scarfed down the hot dog in no less than 3 bites and washed it down by chugging a whole can of Surge Soda. Wiping ketchup off his face using his tie the president exclaimed, “I think it tastes better with age!” 

People who witnessed the feat offered these quotes…

General Mark A. Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff: “You can’t teach this kind of determination. If I had a team of 5 good men with this kind of drive we would have caught Bin Laden before 9/11.”

Melania, “It’s about time I wasn’t the only one in this marriage to spent evening with rotten weenie in my mouth.”

Philippe Etienne, French Ambassador to the US, “I’ve never eaten a ‘hot dog’ before, but this is exactly what I expected.”

Donald Trump Jr, “Dad is so cool, he can do anything!”

Trump then continued with business as usual, asking about the pros and cons of arming 8 year olds.

About 8 minutes into this discussion the president dropped dead. People in the room wanted to offer assistance, but apparently the incredibly stank that filled the room after the dead president evacuated his bowels post mortem was 15x worse than the original fumes from the McHotDog and even left chemical burns on the curtains of the oval office. 45 minutes later the toxic gas cleared out and a team of doctors was able to safely enter where they declared the president dead at the scene. An autopsy was performed to rule out foul play and establish cause of death.

Doctors who performed the autopsy said it would have made no difference if folks had remained in the room to help the president. If the McHotDog hadn’t killed him (the official cause of death being sepsis brought on by bacteria in the sausage) it could have been one of many causes. Apparently his blood was basically carbonated from the massive soda consumption, there were at least nine tumors throughout his body and severe brain damage. The doctor said, “I’m actually surprised he made it this long. After cutting open his brain, we discovered that he had apparently been going through one long uninterrupted stroke since around 2006.”  

The president’s last will and testimony requested that his body be burnt on a pyre like a king and he wanted his widow, Melania to throw herself on the funeral pyre and be immolated with him, an ancient Hindu practice known as Sati.

Melania even once heard he president say, 

“India they’re not really doing so well right now, well not as well as us that is. I mean they have a lot of people don’t get me wrong, but sometimes you can have too many people. I’m sure that a good number of them are illegals and that’s probably why they’re struggling. Plus they don’t eat meat. I’m a steak guy so I guess they can do what they want, but I’m not for it. Although that thing where all the woman light themselves on fire where their husbands die they got that right I think. I mean that’s their religion and who's to say that their religion is wrong.”

Unfortunately, doctors would not clear his body for cremation. Apparently with the vile McHotDog still in his belly mixed with fact that 86% of his body fat (of 67% of his total mass) was apparently Diet Coke that had been stored in fat cells, burying his body would have released toxic fumes so corrosive they would be a hazard to anyone nearby, and produce a carbon footprint equal to the lifetime emissions of 40 Hummer H2s. Instead Donald was buried at in a new rooftop garden on top of Trump Tower that way no one has to look at it. For a headstone he had a narrow section of an unused prototype for the border wall installed over his grave. At his funeral many former presidents and prominent politicians such as Barack Obama and Bill Clinton had nothing but kind things to say about, although their speeches were quite short. The whole affair lasted roughly 24 minutes, the shortest run time for any presidential funeral. 

The president is survived by his wife, children, undocumented employees, and VP Mike Pence, who probably can’t do a worse a job than him… right.