hannahsdrawkcab

[hannahsdrawkcab]

Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today:

You matter. You’re important. You’re loved. And your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not.

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back to a blog

listen, it’s somehow been 10 years since I joined tumblr !!!! and way back when in college, I used this space to journal. i’ve been having some issues with getting pen to paper in the literal sense lately and i’ve felt really out of touch with myself because of that. so i thought I would start writing here again idk?? 

i have plenty of issues right now, hello pandemic and anxiety and depression and beauty standards and societal benchmarks for “normal” success.... and a recurring theme beneath my handling of many of them, especially my lack of self-confidence and heavy self-criticism, is that i have been too afraid to be in touch with my real self.

many days, I wake up and feel the anxiety or the depression, and i acknowledge them, shift my plans for the day if need be, and do some version of moving on from that feeling. a long time ago i stopped digging deeper into those feelings because i remember getting lost in them and barely recovering over a long period of time with lots of self-reflection and crying and building myself back up with support from family, friends, and professionals. in the last couple years i’ve done my own work on trauma and abuse from my past, and like the realization i had with depression that you don’t “get over it” at some point, but there is a path to transformation to including that as a part of who you are. however, seeing abuse in that category and undoing some of what i had learned about love has changed me in an unhealthy way. 

i am unwittingly so lost right now and i have been for some time. and i hope revisiting journaling and writing will help me know myself, but more importantly LISTEN to myself because my inner monologue runs ALL day, and I frequently tune out because the messaging can be all over the place. am i so freaking cute or am i actually an unlikeable blob? can i do this thing really well or am i totally failing at every turn and letting people down? am i showing myself grace or am i giving myself an out? 

all that to say, i’m coming back here to tumblr to write my feelings. maybe i’ll keep this public for now and eventually go private? i have no idea who follows me any more or who is active that I still follow. for some reason knowing that i’m posting this to a safe space on my little slice of the internet feels right. like i’m sharing but not from the rooftops. that there could be other people out there who are feeling how i’m feeling, with this wandering in my heart, and follow my posts. who knows. probably absolutely zero humans will see this and five bots will follow me in the next week. but whatever. 

pressing pause at the end of the day to look back not just at what happened in the last 18-24hrs, but to what broke me and how I can truly start to heal. i need to do some processing from like way back when. to you, it might look like a bunch of ramblings and that’s ok. thanks for reading. i’m hurting and i want to be better and i’ll be back tomorrow <3

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imagine if it was 2002 rn

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All you have to do is walk up to a house, ring the doorbell, and say “tricks or treats”. Are you sure it’s legal? It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966) dir. Bill Melendez

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can no longer listen to criticisms of how dumb people are in horror movies because it’s been half a year of a pandemic and we still can’t convince people to do something as basic as putting a piece of cloth over their face.

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Waiting for the midnight train going anywhere

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SUN AND MOON

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It was the moment I realized what music can do to people, how it can make you hurt and feel so good all at once.

Nina LaCour, Hold Still (via the-book-diaries)

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This tiny octopus, whose body measured about five centimeters across, was spotted swimming along at a depth of 825 meters as we explored Whiting Seamount, off Puerto Rico.

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psych the movie; dec. 7th

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McDonalds Hercules Plates (1997)

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#TBT did you know my mom was a gamer? Here she is taking a rare moment to relax by playing with a Game Boy ...