heartbreakhotelscience-blog

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

May 22nd 2018

Medications

Morning medications are 1200 mg fish oil, 60 mg duloxitine, 20 mg omeprazole, 400 mg gabapentin, 1800 IU vit D, 600 mg Ca, 250 mg Mg, and 1000 ug of metylfolate. Probiotics and vit E are still additions I want to make but i need to balance my checkbook and consider moving costs before starting a course of probio’s.

Night medications are 400 mg quitiapine, 20 mg nortryptaline, 750 mg depakote, and 20 mg Atorvastatin started taking this earlier in the evening, around 8pm.

Feelings:

I’m so tired I’m not sure I can do anything today, but eat and then sleep. I know that eventually I will start loading up the last round of stuff, but honestly I just want to crawl into bed and dream. 

I think today I’ve mostly been plagued by a sense of inadequacy. I failed to fall in love as deeply as I believed I had, failed to win the affection of a woman I want to spend my life with, failed to stabilize in a place that felt like home, failed to be better at the kind of job I’m doing than I was the last time I did it, failed to find medical school recomendations, failed to follow my passion and let work get in the way again, ect....

Hollow, I guess that’s the best description of how I feel. This may be the end of this blog, my last night in this apartment, all the emotions felt, and in their wake a ripple and touch of grey. Ahead, nothing expected. I thought I would be distraught right now, but I’m not; I just want to curl up in the bed that’s made the way scroses always liked it best and sleep like tomorrow will come too soon. 

Thoughts:

Literally nothing original today. It’s been like a vacant parking lot between my ears today. The simple drone of the monotony of being in the office. The nonstop clatter of the keyboard as I watch words fly from screen to screen in place to place and leave feeling nothings done. 

I guess I really thought I would have something profound to say right now, but I guess I’ve already said it all. 

Sleep:

Dreamless, overslept and was a few minutes late to work. No one seemed to notice. 

Schedule:

5 runs in last 10 days; I’ll be lucky if I keep this ratio at 50% I think

3 days until a day off

Move 2/3 complete optimistically

Social life:

Still thinking about following up with coworker that I reached out too after that other one turned down my offer of friendship. She was standing around outside the office today and I just said Hi and left. I should have paused and made small talk, but I felt like I had to much to do. I probably still do and I’m blogging instead of packing. I suppose I should give a final nod to the last thing I wanted scroses to have communicated to her from me. I hope you’re happy. I love you. 

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

I don’t even know what to say. I want this to be a poster on my wall. 

Stain |  ステイン

“ All for the sake of a better society…“

(My Hero Academia)

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

May 21st 2018

Medications

Morning medications are 1200 mg fish oil, 60 mg duloxitine, 20 mg omeprazole, 400 mg gabapentin, 1800 IU vit D, 600 mg Ca, 250 mg Mg, and 1000 ug of metylfolate. Probiotics and vit E are still additions I want to make but i need to balance my checkbook and consider moving costs before starting a course of probio’s.

Night medications are 400 mg quitiapine, 20 mg nortryptaline, 750 mg depakote, and 20 mg Atorvastatin started taking this earlier in the evening, around 8pm.

Feelings:

I feel drained. Every song on the radio today just made me think about people I want in my life that are not anymore. Friends made and lost along the way. Lives that I touched and that touched me. Nostalgia, I guess. With more than a little hope and sadness mixed in until I just feel tired, cognitively incapable of complex task, and old. 

All the mistakes I didn’t know I made last week have come back to make me feel stupid on Monday. I don’t even know how I made one of them, I was not even close to what I needed to do. It’s frustrating when you know what you need to do, think you’ve done it, and then have the egregious mistake you’ve made thrown in your face. This why I don’t like golf

Thoughts:

The problem with being smart is constantly having to defend yourself from the onslaught of trying to effect the world around you with your intelligence. People are smart, language is clumsy. 

It’s almost time to checkout of heartbreakhotel. Certainly, not checking out the way I had been planning. Our shower curtain was coated in salt deposits from the tap water before scroses left me. I bought a new one in anticipation of her and I reconnecting, but I never hung it up. Then I started thinking I should probably lay it out so the blood from the gunshot wound to my head didn’t go everywhere. I guess I’ll use it at the new place.

Sleep:

Was actually pretty good last night. Between 7-8 hours. Had a dream, wrote it down, don’t feel like blogging about it. 

Schedule:

5 runs in last 9 days; spent a lot more time than I thought I would packing last night. I’m not going to run tonight, moving is enough exercise right now. 

4 days until a day off

Move 1/3 complete if all goes according to plan.

Social life:

Still thinking about following up with coworker that I reached out after that other one turned down my offer of friendship. 

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

Hello

What you are is still as unwritten as time

We perceive what is to come, what is, and pine

Distance pales all shadows even the shadow of death

A reaper across every sandline ever drawn by man, beast, or plant

Words were not meant to be held they shoot across the sky like sunlight

Love alone does not exist for all things effect all things; a drop changes the sea

Everyone feels alone, but not all those alone feel lonely; the sea changes the drop

Ocean water to that which quenches thirst

I expect you to love yourself, why quantify love as less or more

Closure is the suppression of what we are

Because we can’t help but feel our heart

Even as it tears apart we put up our highest wall

Until the loudest voice calls “Hello”

Goodbye

I was never your beloved

I was never anything more

But a pale shadow of what a true lover aspires for

You drew the line in the sand and told me friends was all we could be

Yet each night, my bed you grace and

Though I delight in your moans and sighs

My soul longs to hear the words you won’t say

For I hold all your words of passion yet none of love

At first I thought I could love you enough for the both of us

But the emptiness of only flesh when you bed me makes my soul ache and cry

I thought I was strong enough but I fear no one is strong enough to survive this void

Of things wished for but never had.

I still love you, but I love myself more

There’s no such thing as closure

Because you will forever haunt me

I just aspire to survive before there is nothing left of my heart

So I said “Goodbye.”

 e.v.e 

Written for @september-stardust 21 Writing Prompts (LIst # 2) : There is no such thing as closure.  

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

I sometimes know what I did was wrong. I still can’t stop myself from uttering nothing other than the truth, and without success I spend my whole life trying to figure out how to be anything other than honest

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

May 20th 2018

Medications

Morning medications are 1200 mg fish oil, 60 mg duloxitine, 20 mg omeprazole, 400 mg gabapentin, 1800 IU vit D, 600 mg Ca, 250 mg Mg, and 1000 ug of metylfolate. I forgot to take these in the morning and took them late at noon. Came home to get them on my break. Probiotics and vit E are still additions I want to make but i need to balance my checkbook and consider moving costs before starting a course of probio’s.

Night medications are 400 mg quitiapine, 20 mg nortryptaline, 750 mg depakote, and 20 mg Atorvastatin started taking this earlier in the evening, around 8pm.

Feelings:

I feel a little sad moving loading the car and packing up the things I can’t seem to let go of, but having the recent memory of scroses in my mind and a focus on the happy memories I have from our time together is significantly diminishing the destructive thinking I sometimes have without her being willing to speak to me.

I also took a call from a friend I had not talked to in a few months that made me feel a little sad too. He almost died and I ignored his call because I was suicidal and depressed. He had surgery twice in two weeks and was in and out of the hospital for several days. We were both so near death and could have supported each other, but I failed him. I’m glad he seems ok now, but it definitely was sad to realize that I had failed to take his call when he was reaching out from that place of uncertainty that is normal to experience before having surgery because you’re going to die if you don’t. 

Felt some jealousy that that coworker I’m attracted too told me about something she is planning to do that I think would be a lot of fun. I want to do it too. 

Thoughts:

I thought it was strange that all I thought about today at work was the semantics of moving out. I would keep going over the list of things to do when I got back to the apartment and any emotional context of those actions was disconnected from them. 

I think I lose hope when a relationship ends because I was raped when I was a child. I think that when someone I’ve made love to is hurt deeply enough by something I’ve done, said, or written that they no longer want to be a part of my life, I imagine that I’ve hurt them in the way I was hurt by this trauma. Which is unbearably painful when it is someone I love. It is unbearably painful to even write these words because I have to remember and relive what happened to me. I brave this pain this time because of how hard today is, how loading the car with the few items I seem unable to pass into the unknown risk of leaving them behind feels like moving out of the only home I’ve ever known. I feel so aimless leaving this place where I proposed marriage, where I was actually content enough with my life that I was off most of my medications, and where I loved someone to the height and depth of my potential. 

I don’t think I could have done this without having seen scroses on Wednesday. Finding her hair in places I thought I had previously cleaned. Thoughts of the shopping trips to get the cloths that I can’t bear to hang on my shoulders anymore without her in my life. Finding the little things she collected in bags around the apartment. It all would have been too hard and impossible to bear; hopefully I would have just walked out. We will never know because I did see her. 

Sleep:

I slept well. Got at least 8 hours. Felt reseted and alert today. Did not have to induce sleep chemically. 

Schedule:

5 runs in last 8 days; on the fence about running today. It’s hot outside and moving is going to physically demanding, well sort of. I should run today. 

5 days until a day off

Move can commence tomorrow. 

Social life:

Talked to an old friend for about an hour. The reversal of relationship situations between us was weird for me and hard to talk to him about in an unbiased way. When he was sick his live in girlfriend got enraged with feelings of jealousy and yelled at him a lot. It got to the point where he had to tell her to leave. He admitted to me that he still has feelings for her, but does not want to ever see that jealous angry person who yelled at him when he was sick ever again. From my perspective it looked like he had made a decision similar to the one scroses made about me. Sure, different people and different situations, but what it boils down too is that if he tried and gave her the chance to earn his trust again it could still work. Their both hurt, but still care about each other. I know I hurt scroses because she is ignoring me. I also know that from my perspective the biggest difference between my friends situation and mine is that I am more than capable of showing scroses my love for her and earning her trust again if she would only open her heart to the possibility. It also seems worth mentioning that I was the one that got sick and she left; while my friend was the one who got sick and had to tell his girlfriend to leave.  

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

I find it strangely dull that most people cosidered mentally healthy are afraid of death and perfectly content to barely live; spending their life alone, unhappy, and socially consistent. While those considered mentally unstable have little fear of death; are depressed because the world around them is largely inconsistent with our knowledge and have not successfully made the changes to their life they want to.

It is ok not to live, and fear death

It is unhealthy to want to live with no fear of death

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

May 19th 2018

Medications

Morning medications are 1200 mg fish oil, 60 mg duloxitine, 20 mg omeprazole, 400 mg gabapentin, 1800 IU vit D, 600 mg Ca, 250 mg Mg, and 1000 ug of metylfolate. Probiotics and vit E are still additions I want to make but i need to balance my checkbook and consider moving costs before starting a course of probio's.

I’m surprised my headache is gone,  i could not sleep last night.

Night medications are 400 mg quitiapine, 20 mg nortryptaline, 750 mg depakote, and 20 mg Atorvastatin started taking this earlier in the evening, around 8pm.

Feelings:

Fatigue and a general sense of this is not worth initiated my morning, well the morning sfter i got about 2 hours of sleep. I homestly don't know how i forced myself out of bed and into the car to go to work.

I felt useful and accepted at work today. I felt relieved that i was able to make myself do the work because once i fell into a rhythm, it was good to be there. I still have this lingering sense that everything turned on a dime on Wednesday when i saw scroses. It was like having a memory form that began to weave the splayed loose ends of us back into a tapestry of something i can be confident is real.

Curious, i started following a couple more poetry, writing, and text blogs on tumblr; they've triggered a torrent of reblogs from me last night. I also somehow found them under 1 username. It was like seeing show me I'mdoing tumblr wrong and i want to learn more about it. Still, it is consuming lots of my free time and i need to keep doing the things that make me feel productive.

Thoughts:

Have been drifting through a haze of music and fatigue. I really don't know what to say about my thoughts other than i keep thinking im goimg to sleep for days.

Freedom brings an invigorating energy with it, every time i find myself at liberty to choose my behavior the motivation to do so simply rises within me and my finite extended reality. Running on a treadmill and typing is hard.

I should be exhausted right now, but I'm not. This is what happens when i take sleeping pills for too long. Everything gets all screwed up and i don't sleep without them. I'm not even tired right now.

My thoughts have wondered in the last hour or two to the now readilly apparent reality that I may find myself in another relationship. I don't want to be alone, but i don’t know if i can ever take this kind of risk again. The damage is done and the issues now seem unlikely to resolve. Hope, love, and confidence have fueled a fundamental shift in my thinking. Yet these words fail to illuminate the depth and darkness from where they flickered, faded, and sought an end to the known.

Sleep:

2 hours is about all i got. I didn’t take any melatonin or ativan last night. 

Schedule:

5 runs in last 7 days; my work on every other weekend is physically more demanding, but i still found time to run.

6 days until a day off

2 days until move can comence, im exhausted thinking about it right now, i found a sporting good store with a rifle in stock i liked.

Social life:

I just want to have wild sex with this coworker. It's carnal and getting harder to ignore, but I don't think there are any deep feelings there. Still, when i leaned in close and felt the heat between us for normal work activities my inhibition of pursuing her nearly failed.

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

This is about the hardest thing to do when someone decides love is not enough. At least for me, it is. I know sometimes love requires us to back off and let them recover from the rise and fall of emotion, but it is impossible for me to not reach for the cherished future that fills my heart. A future once so certain is now punctuated with a question mark.

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

The dew point is close Love unrestrained by the dose

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

It’s a shame there is so much we didn’t realize when we were together The real shame Is that we realize So much now and are Apart

@sixwordssayitall (via sixwordssayitall)

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

To compare love Diminished neither by the difference The daisy or the rose Both have their beauty in the field

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

Never chase people who hurt you. Replace them with people who care. The people who care the most can hurt us the most deeply; let it be the strength in the relationship, not what breaks it.

(via love-diaries)

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

I'm persistently in competition with myself; striving to be stronger, faster, smarter, honest, and true. I didn't win until I met you

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

We never love anyone. What we love is the idea we have of someone. It’s our own concept—our own selves—that we love. To thy own self be true

Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet (via books-n-quotes)

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

A person’s a person, no matter how small.

Dr. Seuss, Horton Hears a Who! (via books-n-quotes)

The mornings after haunt me too, did it hurt her as much as it hurt that her words of love for us made 1 were not reality 

[heartbreakhotelscience-blog]

Contrast in music

https://youtu.be/jE-Krlqi4fk

Or

https://youtu.be/FdF-YkECTVc