hellohels

[hellohels]

Random Thoughts

I stumbled on this tiktok where a girls was asking if its okay if your man is liking posts of girls and commenting compliments. 

I realized, how lucky I must be having my husband. Before I met Rupert, i felt that my guy liking and complimenting girls are okay whatever. Do whatever you do as long as the end of the day, im your girl. 

But no, that is not the love you deserve. You deserve a love that will never give you doubts. A love that will think other girls are pretty, but they actually tell you and show you that “look, she’s pretty”. But thats just it. 

My husband tells me to wear a bikini even if im fat. LOL. He would tell me why should i be shy, it looks good on me. He removes all my insecurities in life. He would go to online stores and pick a dress that i think i will never wear cause it hugs my body too much. But he’s like this will look good on you. 

You deserve that kind of love. A love that will think there are other pretty girls, but you’re still the prettiest one. 

[hellohels]

Life lately

For so long I haven’t really written down anything. Writing down my thoughts and feelings was an escape for me back then. I feel like when I am writing them, it somehow helps me cope with all the emotions I am feeling. 

I haven’t written down anything the past years, maybe because the emotions I have right now, isn’t something I want to escape from. It’s something I want to feel and let it grow in me. 

Last 2019, I got married. I got married so quickly, everyone was surprised. I was surprised to. I met my husband through bumble. When I used to use online dating apps. I do set my expectation that it will always be a fling thing. 

Don’t get me wrong, even thou I set that expectation to myself in the back of my mind. I’m still me, who is a sucker for kilig moments. I easily fall into traps. I met guys that are just into fun. I met guys who are loyal but doesn’t really go into commitments. It came to a point where I told myself, I am done looking for someone. I am done giving my feelings right away. 

So when I met Rupert, I wasn’t really expecting anything. (Hell I wasn’t expecting to getting married to him). It was one of the moments where I think oh, its another fun fling. 

The first time we saw each other, it was not the typical meet ups where you know it will end as just one hook-up. I met him with my friends. I just imagine how weird it must be for him, to meet someone for the first time and have their friends there. But honestly, the first time I met him, was the first time I also knew he was different. He didn’t really tell me to just reschedule because I was with my friends. He was okay with it. 1 green flag. 

The 2nd green flag im giving him. Was he never initiated that he wants a hook-up. I remember we had weeks of talking, meeting up to eat dinner and watching movies. From the North, he would go to BGC after my work just to spend time with me and go home. There was no intent of pushing me to go and sleep with him. 

I was very busy with my life when I met him. My out of the country trips. My career moving so fast. I have made big decisions with my life. And he was just there supporting me. 

2018 was when I first moved out from home. I moved to Pampanga for work. He would visit me in Pampanga, and go back to qc for work. I am sure, my first few months living alone wouldn’t be as easy if it wasn’t for him. 

2019 came, and my dad being himself of course has been bugging me that we should get married. Because he knows he stays with me most times. I thought, well, I am in this relationship not just for fun. I knew it was for the long run. So we decided, well. We don’t really have to wait. We got married a month before our anniversary. My friends told me to not do it. Hell I had doubts. 

I was worried that it might be too early in the relationship. But here we are, still married. I have to say it was not easy at all. Marriage is really something else. My priorities shifted. It was not just me that I have to think about. My decisions are not just for myself. I always have to consider him too. 

My life really changed. We have been married for almost, 3 years now. I know that’s not too long. But I am very happy with what I have right now. 

Coming from a very toxic relationship, I never knew this was the kind of love that I deserve. The love that I don’t need to ask for love, because it is given. Love that will not give you doubts because he never gave me a reason to doubt. Love that is not perfect, but will still choose each other. 

Now I understand that love is indeed a choice. That someone can throw everything away, because they chose to. 

The feeling of success is different when you have someone with you in the path you took. Having our own car, building our own house. I don’t think I can be able to do this, without Rupert supporting me. 

So to my husband (who doesn’t really know I write here), thank you. Thank you for choosing me everyday. For not letting me feel that I should doubt at anytime. Thank you for supporting me with all the craziness that I do. I know someday, all of our dreams will come true. And I wouldn’t choose anyone else to be in this road we’re on. 

I love you.

[hellohels]

[hellohels]

[hellohels]

To more places with this guy. Cant wait for Taiwan!

[hellohels]

2018

2018 was about finding myself-- still trying to figure things out, but I am somewhere already.

2018 was dating around-- juggling boys around, trying new stuff. Accepting things that cannot be undone. I have to admit, it was fun.

2018 was traveling-- Davao, Syndey, New Zealand. IT WAS AMAZING.

2018 was work challenging me-- work, its never easy. People around you will not always be in your favor. But me getting promoted was the cherry on top of my year. Hi I’m Hels, your new Program Specialist.

2018 was about being a strong independent woman-- IT IS HELL. Living alone, trying to juggle extra income to make ends meet. Its hard. And its not a joke. But I have learned so much from life. I have learned how life can be so hard, but fulfilling. 

2018 was about finding the right guy-- yes, i dated around. Juggled two guys at the same time and eventually finding the right guy for me. A year from now, I might be married already (fingers crossed as we’re planning everything already)

I have so much to be thankful for this year. And damn it was fast. This year flew by as if it has just been a week. I met a lot of new people. I’ve experienced adulting in so many ways. I lost a friend. Everything that happened, gave me a lesson to learn. I will be never be this person if I got stuck in my past.

[hellohels]

I’ve been working for Uber for almost 2 years now. Its been great. Its been fun. Its been one hell of a roller coaster ride. So much has happened. I have grown so much. 

I can’t thank Uber enough for all the knowledge and confidence they gave me. I am who I am today, because of them. I have gained so much friends. Friends I will be treasuring my whole life. I have gained so much skills, skills that i didn’t know i had in me. 

More or less than a month from now, i’ll be moving. Still with Uber, but in a different site. Somewhere near Manila, but somewhere far that I have to live there. 

I am scared. I am excited. I am sad. I am happy. So much feelings are happening inside of me. So much questions, worries and what ifs. 

A friend told me “Dont worry, a part of you wanted this adventure”. I wanted it to learn how to be independent. I wanted it for growth-- career wise. Well, not just career wise. Personal growth too.

[hellohels]

I saw my ex’s mom today. And yes, the four year relationship ex.

I was a bit hesitant at first. Cause, i found it a bit weird that my ex’s mom still messages me and still calls me “anak”. I was stressed out to be honest. I was stressed out that we have to meet. 

My thoughts were *what if my ex and his gf is there* *what if her mom tells me i was really no good for him* I WAS SHOOKETH. 

Anyway, so i did go. And when I saw the mom. I actually had to tell myself “I have moved on” cause there was no pain. There was no regret. It was plain “its nice to see familiar faces and family”

I will not get into details as to what she told me. But one thing, if in any case. Kevin still checks this page. 

You have to know your mom loves you so much. And i know we cant be friends now. But eventually, when Ina is okay about it. You can always talk to me. 

[hellohels]

2017

2017 was crazy. And when I say crazy, it was C R A Z Y. 

I was at my lowest when my ex and I broke up. It was my whole world crashing. It was everything else sucky wrapped into one. It was the unbearable pain. I didn’t know where to start. It felt like I was writing a book, I was in a chapter then all of a sudden I forgot everything I was writing about. I had to start with a blank chapter all over again. And that’s how I spent my whole 2017, starting with a blank page. 

It was hard, finding the courage to start again. It was hard picking up the pieces of all the broken parts. It was hard pretending everything was okay- when it was totally shitty. But as they say, “Pain, will never go away. But you’ll learn how to live with it”. I learned how to dance with pain. I learned how to live with it.

I drowned myself with work. I did everything possible just to distract myself. Don’t get me wrong, I had my lapses. I drunk texted him. I still hoped that we’d be back together. I prayed that we still can fix it. I did the whole shebang. And as I wallowed myself with work. Little by little, bit by bit. I was letting him go. I was slowly moving on. 

By working too hard. I got promoted. This was the highlight of my new chapter. It wasn’t easy. Getting it was like hanging from a cliff. You’ll never know what will happen. 

My career progressed while my moving on progressed too. I was too preoccupied with work that I dont have time to think about him. 

I know this is cliche, but Everything happens for a reason. Without me starting this new chapter, I may have not gotten this move. 

I am forever thankful for the people who never left me. Who were there for all the drunken times. For all the bratty moments of my life. 

And to my ex, Kevin. Thank you. I wouldn’t be where I am today if us did work out. 

I’ll be opening my 2018 with another chapter. I may be doing it alone now. But I am happy, I am contented, I am a strong somehow independent woman.

[hellohels]

[hellohels]

I wanna kiss you in places you’re insecure about

[hellohels]

[hellohels]

JH

Maybe it’s me. 

But baby, it’s you. 

We started things last May and all along i kept on thinking, it would end up perfectly. - I was still the girl who hopes for the best. Who wants the happy ever after. 

I was broken when we met. I didn’t believe on anything anymore. For me, everything was just lies. But you came into my life. You showed me how I can actually trust someone again. How I can love someone again. 

But the thing is, it will never work. 

You know why. I know why. 

[hellohels]

K

To you- you know who you are,

I know things can be really fucked up. And I know everything sucks right now. I’ve been there. I was there when we were together. You should know, all of the things that are happening to you right now, has a reason. Thats the only thing i believed in when we broke up. I clung to that idea. I clung to that saying- eventually things will get better. Maybe I just had more time to myself. To focus on my career. To love myself more. Maybe, you need that too. 

Understand yourself. Love yourself. Look for yourself. Cause as far as I can remember, you are not that person. You used to me so much fun. So happy. You loved your friends and they loved you back- so much. I want you to go and find yourself. Cause it helped me. What I have now, was because of you. You taught me this. To be strong. To fight for what I want. And I guess you lost it. You lost yourself. 

Find yourself. Find you friends. Love yourself.

[hellohels]

Day 1

Haven’t written here for the longest time. I feel like I need to write right now. I need to just rant this out. I don’t understand what is happening with me. I think, i think i just made a completely fucked up decision, but wtf. I dont fucking care. 

Javier, you know what was my first entry about you. I didn’t post it, cause you wanted it all for yourself. I wanted this to be between us as well. I don’t know how to tho. That is why its here. I dont think people read this. No one really knows about this. Except my ex. Cause he’s in this blog for the longest time. Any way. This is not about him. 

This about you Javier. This is about how I am worried. How I am scared. How I am seriously terrified that I wont hear from you again. I know, you might say why the hell would I want to stay with you. I know. I told you. I like fucked up men. You knew that. I like you. I like you, like you. 

Lets just make this clear, i don’t think I love you, love you. But I like you, like you. I dunno if you get this. But yeah. 

I woke up today thinking about you. Thinking bout how could I help you. How could i have made things better? I feel like, when you told me that you’re not feeling okay. I should’ve told you, i should’ve lied that day. You asked how my day was, and i told you “Crappy” I should’ve told you that i was okay. I was happy. That i missed you. I felt like some part of you depression, is because of me. 

I dont even know if this would help. I think it wont. But I just have to let this all out. Im not okay. Im writing. I bought a book. Im not okay.

Im not okay with you leaving. I know. You told me you’re not leaving. That you’ll be back. But shit. I just don’t know what to do. You’ve grown into me. You’re part of my everyday cycle. 

I know you promised. I just have to wait 21 days more. But shit. I need you right now. (THIS IS ME NOT HELPING) i know. 

Javier, please get better right away. I have a lot of stories to tell you. I have to whine about so much things. 

AND THIS IS DAY 1 WITHOUT YOU.

[hellohels]

I loved you more than I should. I loved you like no one else before. You we're my life. You we're my strength. It saddens me, that this post has full of past tenses words 😔 I love you, still. But i guess its time.

[hellohels]

Life is messy most of the time.