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Routine Rhonda

MUTHER RUCKER IS BACKKKK!!!! I have really missed documenting and just talking about life! I’ve decided to do another year of review but this year leading to Abolarinde’s 2nd birthday I’ll be discussing more variety of things such as daily schedule, some parenting/relationship experiences and overall my FAVORITE chocolate man Mr. Abolarinde Adonis Dominic! 

So to start guess who started graduate school??? This girl right here! I am currently pursuing a Master’s of Public Administration with a Specialization in Non-profit Management at Indiana Wesleyan University and what am I going to do with this you ask? Whatever I want! But my real dream is to be an executive director or CEO of a nonprofit organization. Please don’t let people fool you non-profit is where the coins are at, chile. In 2017 in July I was sitting at my office desk at the YWCA randomly googling programs. I came across Indiana Wesleyan and remembered I had a high school classmate that attended the school in high school. Before I knew it (literally before I knew it I moved too quick) I had input all my information and was contacted by an adult studies advisor. I started the program in January and so far so good! However, this thing called LIFE has truly frazzled me. I put on a good face but when I lay down at night my mind is CONSTANTLY running. My husband is also pursuing his masters in Informational Technology Management and we both graduate this summer. So in between our full time jobs, school, being parents, and just wanting to you know BE MARRIED life is rough but we’ve come up with a good schedule. The best advice I can give anyone parent or not is to have a routine. Yes going outside the routine will happen and that is okay but I feel that any person needs some type of structure. This is how my week day/ weekend goes in my house:

MWF: 7:00am Wake-up roll out of bed and mumble good morning to my husband as he leaves the bathroom annoyingly steamy (we have one bathroom right now and I literally don’t know how we’ve been surviving but God is yet good)

7:15am Wake my baby up- He can either be a sweet honey melon in the morning or a grumpy teenage boy I get both some days. Daddy washes his face brushes his teeth (my mans got a mouth full now) and puts his clothes on

7:30am Abolarinde eats breakfast- he’s going to turn into a banana because thats all he eats but he’ll eat strawberries and a cereal too. I recently started introducing vitamins because the kids at the school house be with the germs and I just  cant 

7:50am March out the door and drive Abolarinde to school

8:00am-4:30pm Werk werk werk werk

5:15-5:30pm: You all see this big gap? I get off work at 4:30 but sometimes I go to the store, go to the bank, run and get food or my all time favorite is sit in my car and enjoy the peace before getting my I haven’t taken a nap today friend out of daycare 

6:00pm: BoBo’s Dinner Time- Convince BoBo that the food on his plate is delicious while simultaneously attempting to make his lunch and talking to his dad about his day was while he loads and unloads the dish washer 

7:00pm: Daddy marches BoBo to the bathroom for potty time and bath time-BoBo is not potty trained and to be honest I haven’t been trying that hard. He pees before bath time which is good enough for me right now. During bath time I finish making dinner or sit on the couch and center myself for 10 minutes telling myself that being in school is not a bad idea

7:30pm: BoBo reads-The child think hes slick. He use to have me and his dad read him 5 books each. One day I thought to myself, what if he just don’t want to go to bed??! Ever since then its 4 books then night night. I’m so glad hes not opposed to laying down at night. I don’t even care if he goes to sleep right then but at 7:45pm I need him laying down

8:00pm: My husband and I finally get to talk and interact with each other its nice! We usually greet each other while taking a sigh of relief I make his plate and we sit down for dinner and grown folk talk.

8:30pm: Homework Time: The time I dread every night. Homework time consists of me on the couch the floor the dinner table or my room. Sometimes it only takes me an hour sometimes it takes me until midnight. If its not done at midnight it won’t get done I just can’t sacrifice my sleep.

On Tuesday and Thursdays I work until 8pm so my husband carries the load of pick up, dinner, lunch, bath time and bed time (Hes great :)) 

The WeekendT:

Saturday: Wake up whenever the Lord says so . BoBo legit will lay in the bed and not say anything until we get him. I truly love him for this. He’s honestly my child and it shows because I too need a mental break and in his own way hes telling us that. We get him up make him breakfast and daddy kicks off Saturday chores. I understand we have a child and our home will get messy but my living space and comfort is top 5 on my priority list. If my living space is chaotic i’m grouchy and I just don’t function well. My husband is the same way and I APPRECIATE IT!!! By noon the cleaning is done and the rest of the day is pretty much ours. We may cook, watch a movie, workout, go on a date etc. Homework happens 

Sunday: Rolls over to husband saying “UGGHHH its Monday again”. I do my grocery shopping either on Saturday or Sunday its depends. Most times I take BoBo to get him out of the house and he’s a social butterfly at the store saying HIIIII loudly to everyone and saying UH OH if someone drops something. Also included in my Sunday is lunch meal prep for me and my husband. He does the laundry and we both do the “Stop that , get down, whats wrong, come here, get out the bathroom, get out the cabinet, leave it alone, go play, stop crying, be good” and it just works! (And homework happens)

So in conclusion, 

I don’t rest and I probably won’t until next summer when I graduate BUT I feel better about myself because we have STRUCTURE :)

Thanks for reading! :)

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Final Exam

I wish I could sum up my first year being a mother into one word or phrase but it is IMPOSSIBLE. I remember shortly after graduating college that I said I wanted to be married and have a child by 30 years old but I was not expecting to do both at the tender age of 24. I’ve gotten the change to experience and overcome so much and it is truly a blessing. I didn’t know that I would be able to function off of 4 hours a sleep a day and still maintain a household and take care of a newborn. I didn’t think that I would be able to hold down the fort and take care of my son primarily until my husband was home for good. I wasn’t too sure about returning to work full time and leaving my baby in the care of someone else for 8 hours a day but I’ve done all of that and more. I’ve learned that me and my husband are going to have different ways in which we care for Abolarinde and that’s okay! I’ve had to bite my tongue because I never want my husband to feel like him caring for my son is less than or that I do a better job than him. I’m learning that it’s important for me and my husband to continue to date each other. It’s so easy to get caught up in work, school, the baby and other things but it’s refreshing to go on dates or even watch a movie was the baby is in bed and talk and realize not only do we love each other but we still like and enjoy each other. We want to be reassured and remind ourselves that even if Abolarinde wasn’t in the picture that we can still function together and truly be satisfied just being around each other. 

Abolarinde’s first birthday came and went. We honestly have been celebrating his birthday since the day after thanksgiving. Unfortunately, he was sick with RSV the day of his birthday but it felt good to be at home and enjoy the day with him. The Monday when he returned to daycare he was immediately switched to the one year old and up classroom. I was scared, I cried in my car, I was nervous. Not because I didn’t think he would do well but it was an entirely different environment. I walked in the classroom and the children were walking around like they paid their own daycare bill. They were talking in full sentences and drinking milk out of sippy cups on their own. It occurred to me that my Abolarinde is growing up and he needed to experience this different environment. After he started walking last month it was evident that he was getting bored in the other room so it was really ME that needed to grow up and let him be. One year old life is very different. Abolarinde is much more vocal than he’s ever been. He knows exactly what he wants when he wants it, i’m having to figure out what type of foods he likes and make sure his nutritional needs are being fulfilled, we’re gradually switching from formula to whole milk and my husband and I are starting to think about things such as front facing car seats, potty training and toddler beds.

As far as things that we’re looking forward to...I start graduate school in January and my husband is finishing a few online course as well so i’m nervous but excited to see how that is going to work out. My husband and I are looking to plan our first weekend get away because it’s just time we both deserve a break. I want to start consistently reading to Abolarinde. Right now when I read to him, he’s super squirmy and not wanting to sit still but I think if I make it an every evening thing he will enjoy it! I’m looking forward to Abolarinde’s next year of growth, development and just being able to watch it all! Within this next year I want to become more comfortable with asking for help when I need it. It feels like I’ve been working on this even before I had Abolarinde but I’ve learned it takes a village in order to raise a child. I want to able to go with the flow more and relax. I’m so accustomed to everything having its own place, I get anxious when my house isn’t clean and laundry isn’t folder but sometimes I just can’t get to it and that’s okay but overall I’m looking forward to another year of productivity and prosperity with my family.

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I See Me

Prior to my son being born, my husband and I had many conversations and heated debates about what we would decide to name him. When I found out I was pregnant in April I immediately knew that we would have opposing views on names for my son. In July, I took it upon myself to google and write down a list of 10 boy and 10 girl Nigerian names. When I saw my husband the following weekend I showed him the list and he burst into laughter. He told me that NONE of the names that I had written and researched would suit the baby. I had googled the names without considering the tribe which he originated or even really knowing if the meaning of the name was the actual meaning. It was then that I had decided my husband should take over the responsibility of coming up with a first name for our son. Not only would he know more about his culture than I would but having a child is a BIG DEAL where he is from. In Nigeria, there is a naming ceremony that takes place approximately 7 days after the child is born if I am not mistaken. Close family members shower the baby and parents in gifts and also give other names to the baby. My husband has a first, middle and last name but was also given other names by his family that he rarely uses. Olarinde is the oldest, first born son and my son is the first grandchild of his parents. It would have been amazing for us to do a traditional party and celebrate with family and friends but we opted out of that. I felt it most appropriate for Olarinde to name our son because I wanted him to have a sense of tradition or even form his own tradition while he is in America and away from his family during a time where they would have celebrated us in a big way. 

Olarinde decided that he would tell me the name of the baby on my birthday which I thought would be really meaningful. However, I did feel that my birthday would be cutting it close. I assumed my son would be born earlier due to other complications I had during my pregnancy (ironically he was overdue) but I still waited until my birthday for the big name surprise. On November 15, 2016 I was at work not paying too much attention to my birthday but anticipating what my husband would do to tell me the name of the baby. Around 3:30 pm one of my coworkers brought a big beautiful gold basket with all of my favorite snacks to my office and I immediately knew this was from my husband. I quickly opened the card and it read, “And we will call him, Abolarinde, which means he comes with wealth”. My heart filled with joy and glee. Initially, I couldn’t pronounce the name but it didn’t matter to me. I knew that my husband took time and put much thought into his name and I was beyond excited for my son to have a name from his fathers tribe. I was also elated that Abolarinde happened to be my husband’s fathers’ name which I knew would touch his dad deeply. Later that evening I revisited my small notebook of baby names and picked the middle name for Abolarinde which I’d always loved and thought would fit, “Adonis” which means handsome and a beloved youth. There we have it, Abolarinde Adonis Dominic who was named a month before his arrival to this earth. After naming him, I was very excited to tell my friends, family and anyone who asked his name but of course I didn’t get the acceptance from the masses and I wasn’t necessarily expecting much acceptance either but I did get showered with a bunch of questions. I received a lot of backlash from close friends and family at the time asking, “What are you going to call him for short? How are you going to say that quickly? How will he be able to spell that in school? Aren’t you worried people will tease him? And my all time favorite, “How will he get employed or get accepted into colleges with that name”? I couldn’t give an answer to those questions back then but I’m able to respond to a few now :

 Fortunately, I stood firm beyond my husband and our decision to name my son Abolarinde. I absolutely love the fact that although my son isn’t from Nigeria he has Nigerian and Yoruba roots as well as American roots. We try to immerse him into the culture as much as possible. Olarinde talks to Abolarinde in Yoruba, they watch Nigerian movies together and when friends and family call my husband he puts the phone on speaker phone so Abolarinde can hear them speaking. What do I call him for short? At daycare the teachers call him, “BoBo” but they also have learned to pronounce and say his actual name which was important to me. There are people that I have just met that tell me that they’re going to give my son a nickname and my response it to call him by his name Abolarinde. Pronunciation (Ah-Bo-La-Ren-Day) it is not hard to pronounce but some ignorantly refuse to call him by his name because its new and different. I call him “Moo Moo”, “Chicken” and other cute baby names because that’s my baby. He will be able to spell his name in school just like any other child with a lengthier name spells there’s. My husband and I recently purchased Abolarinde a book that spells out his full name with pictures of animals as well as pictures of us. We are going to try to continue to purchase personalized books as he grows older with his name in it so he can get accustomed to seeing and eventually be able to say, spell and write it. As far as people teasing him I’m sure people will tease him for more than just his name. I was teased in school for my name just because it was only 3 letters. Kids also replaced letters where they shouldn’t have been for my last name (and people still do and I’m 25 years old now). Abolarinde will learn to respond to those that tease him. I and his dad will explain to him that kids tease other kids based upon their lack of understanding and teasing is a way they cope. Abolarinde will get any job and or schooling opportunity he wants with his name. My husband has been granted a world of opportunities not based on his name but based on his experiences, his education and his culture and where he is from has been not only a bonus but has sparked conversation in many interviews. We are not concerned about Abolarinde’s name affecting his success. He’ll be successful because he wants to be (and simply because we are his parents and expect nothing less).

We are proud of our combined cultured household and even more happy to have our Abolarinde in our lives. 

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Abolarinde’s First Day of Daycare (4 months)

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Dayscare...

A little after Abolarinde turned 4 months my husband was beginning work and I was still working a full time and part time job. We both knew that it was the time that we’ve dreaded...daycare. I was BEYOND scared. I’ve watched so many videos read so many articles about all of the germs, viruses, infections, neglect and all the other carelessness that goes on in a daycare. Not to mention the weekly cost! Those that are not aware, daycare can range from $120 to $300 a week...A WEEK. Facilities range from having food included, daily logs of diapers, stimulation for children, a house, a church an actual facility, licensed, not licensed the list goes onnnnnn. And without prior research it is very overwhelming to chose the right daycare for a child. I wanted the daycare I sent my son to, to love on him and treat my son like I would if I was there and I didn’t think that was too much to ask. I found a home daycare through a mutual friend that I thought was suitable at the time. Me, my husband and Abolarinde visited the daycare the day before we started him so he could get a feeling for the workers and the overall environment. He was still young so although I was nervous he appeared comfortable and overall interested in everything. There were 2-3 other infants, a few toddlers and I still felt somewhat uncomfortable but I knew we had to chose a place quickly. I was most comfortable with Abolarinde attending a daycare of a mutual friend of mine so we made the decision to send him there. On, Abolarinde’s first day we dressed him up in a cute navy blue jogging suit. We rubbed him down with Shea butter and picked his hair out into a wet curly afro. I nursed Abolarinde one last time before daycare and his father placed him into the car seat. I opted to take him to daycare but I should have let his father take him because I was nauseous and sick to my stomach the entire car ride. We arrived to daycare and the worker ladies were waiting for him to arrive. I handed Abolarinde to one of the ladies with a list of verbal instructions that they already knew. I gave Abolarinde one last kiss and hug bye and I watched him start to do tummy time and play as I tried to creep out of the door. The owner of the daycare continued to reassure me that he would be fine and tried to laugh and joke with me but I was in no joking mood. I backed out of the driveway from the daycare and I felt a knot in my stomach and in my throat. I cried the remainder of the drive to work and sat in the work parking lot to cry some more. I couldn’t believe I did what I said I wouldn’t do. My mom stayed at home with my brother and I until I was in the 4th grade. I didn’t attend school until I was in kindergarten and although I am a believer in daycare and preschool being an important part of children’s development at a young age, 4 months old was still too young in my eyes to be cared for by another adult I had just met the day before. Unfortunately, I had no choice. The entire day dragged. I kept looking at every watch and clock I could to see when it would be time to pick up my sweet baby. There was an open door policy at the daycare and I was welcome to drop by unannounced anytime but I did not want to make a habit of it so I waited until the end of the work day to see Abolarinde. 

At 4:50 pm I sped up the hill from my job to go to the daycare and pick him up. I arrived and he was rocking in a swing looking as content as he could be. I walked in and he smiled gently acknowledging who I was. I was so pleased that we all survived our first day. To be honest, the days and weeks after that day got much easier. Dropping Abolarinde off at daycare meant that I could get work done, it meant that if I needed a day off I could relax at home in the quiet. I took full advantage of our time apart. He attended the home daycare for 4 months but after discussion with his dad, prayer and just wanting a little more out of a daycare than we thought we were getting, we made the decision to find another daycare facility for him. It was quite an easy decision and an even easier search. One of my coworkers told me about a new church daycare that was opening just so happen very close to where we were moving. I first visited by myself. I walked into the infant room and it was so bright and cheerful and clean! It was evident that the staff was trained to love and care for the children like their own and I was completely sold after being told that the children’s activities would be uploaded on an application during the day. On the app, I can see when my son had his diaper changed, when he ate, when he napped and for how long, if he hurt himself there is an incident report that is filled out with what happened and the steps staff took to ensure that he was comforted to my liking, I can message the staff back and forth and there are pictures and videos shared everyday that I can save to my phone for my personal viewing. I was even able to see Abolarinde take his first few steps via video from the daycare app! The next day I brought Abolarinde and he immediately took to all of the ladies and the children in the infant room. I was leery about switching daycare facilities because I didn’t want him to be exposed to everything and everyone too young. However, even at almost 1 years old he still attends the daycare and it was the best decision we’ve made for our family. 

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Go To Sleep, Abolarinde

AT LAST all was well in the Dominic household. Daddy was home to stay, I was able to engage in adult conversation with my husband, I was no longer home alone all day and for the next 2 weeks I would be able to relax when I needed before I had to return to work. I had been off from my job since December. I conveniently worked up until the very last day I could so my maternity leave could be longer and I really had done all I could to prepare for my son so I thought there is no reason to be at home waiting for him to come when I could still be working. I slowly prepped my mind to return to work. I had already been working several hours a week with my part-time job just so I could have extra money for myself (to do nothing with because I went nowhere) but I now had to deal with the fact that I would have to be away from my then 3 month old son, who was exclusively breastfed, for 40 hours a week. The night before I had knots in my stomach. I was already getting welcome back emails from coworkers and I just wanted to say WAITTTTTTTTT. At this point, Abolarinde was still sleeping on my chest the majority of the night but for me and his dad’s comfort we transitioned him to his bassinet which was a big hit for only a week or so. He would sleep comfortably on his belly in his bassinet 3-5 hour stretches but most nights he would end up in bed with us (I minded this then but sometimes and I mean sometimes I actually miss this). My alarm went off at 8:30 AM and it felt as if I was up the whole night but I had really became comfortable with the thought that I may not get a full nights rest until my child is a year old so I had adjusted my body to surviving on 3-4 hours of sleep. I slowly got up to shower and get ready for work while my husband kept Abolarinde entertained. I was so anxious. I brought my breast pump into the shower so I could increase my stash for the work week but I only pumped 2 ounces. My stash of breast milk was slowly dwindling and although we lived 5 minutes away at the time, I didn’t think it would be appropriate to go home every 2-3 hours to feed him. Before I left for work I fed Abolarinde and watched him drift peacefully to sleep for his first morning nap. During the five minute drive to work I sobbed. I felt like a horrible parent. Even though it was a blessing that my husband was able to stay home with him because he hadn’t started work I just felt disconnected from him. As soon as I got to work everyone greeted me with warm hellos, welcome backs and we missed yous but I immediately went up the stairs to my office, closed the door and cried. I was so confident that I would be ready to return to work but truth is I wasn’t. For 2-3 weeks my supervisor allowed me to come back part time. I would do at the most 5 hours a day and return home because I wasn’t comfortable leaving my son for long stretches of time yet. Eventually, I was asked to return to work full time and to keep my position secure I did so. The days definitely got easier. Sometimes I would take myself on lunch dates. After work I would enjoy a drink to myself. But there were other days on lunch breaks I would return home to nurse my baby and anticipate his excited reaction to me walking through the door. 

About a month passed since I returned to work and things got a lot easier. I was getting the hang of this idea of the working mom. However, it seemed like Abolarinde’s sleep worsened in time. I would lay him in the bassinet at night and he would cry. I would lay him next to me and he would cry. We’d lay him between us and he’d cry. The only comfortable sleep he got was on either me or his dad’s chest. His dad seemed content with this at first. He was only able to see Abolarinde on weekends so I didn’t blame him for enjoying his extra bonding time but I was fed up and had had enough. I bought books, read blogs and asked my other mommy friends about the first steps of sleep training.Prior to having Abolarinde I was so against this idea of co-sleeping and bed sharing. I just KNEW I was going to place him in the bassinet and he’d sleep all night. When I had him and began bed-sharing and co-sleeping I was against the idea of sleep training because I assumed it had to do with letting my baby cry for hours at a time. I was encouraged to sleep train at 6 weeks old and I couldn’t bring myself to do that either. I was not comfortable with distinguishing his cries just yet. But at almost 4 months old I had become a pro. I could tell when he was hungry, wet or if he was crying because he wanted to be picked up and held. I slowly started with sleep training. I would place him in his bassinet for naps or just on our bed. I then thought he was getting too big for his bassinet and he had a whole unused crib to lay in. During the day, I would bring Abolarinde into his room while I was organizing his laundry or vacuuming just so he can get a feel for being in his crib. I watched him look around and crack a smile or grin. I then bought him a sound machine that played ocean, heart beat and other familiar sounds that are known to comfort babies. There is also a night time feature that projects stars and moons onto the ceiling which I thought would make this big room that much more bearable to sleep in for him. On the weekends, I would put Abolarinde in the crib awake or sleeping and leave the room. There were a few times he would sleep for a hour but most of the time he cried...scream cried. That was the worst part of sleep training. I blamed myself constantly for getting him in the habit of sleeping with me but I knew that this was a good time for him to transition especially with his dad being home I wanted to enjoy the company of my husband and we could work together to get him out of our bed. Sleep training didn’t last very long and he got the hang of independent sleeping in about two weeks but I would say the first few days were THEE longest. The first night he cried for what seemed like forever. My husband would go in the room every 5-10 minutes and pick him up saying he couldn’t listen to him cry like that and he’ll sleep in his crib when he’s ready. We would have many heated arguments about the importance of Abolarinde independently sleeping and because he’s been sleeping with me for so long it would take both of us to break this habit. It definitely takes two to sleep train (as well as everything else in raising a child) but I felt if one parent is on board and the other one isn’t it won’t work. A few nights passed and we tried it again. Abolarinde cried and cried but me and his dad stood strong. We would keep ourselves busy with cooking, watching TV, talking on the phone anything we could do to distract ourselves. One night I went to put Abolarinde down after feeding him he cried for maybe a minute but after suddenly I heard silence. I peaked my head through his bedroom door and he was peacefully sleeping and snuggled with his blanket. I was overjoyed and astonished. WE DID IT! I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so accustomed to being restricted from the hours of 6-10 PM  because he wouldn’t let me leave his sight. I was able to eat my dinner, take a 15 minute shower, watch several episodes of my favorite TV show and even pump more breast milk because he wasn’t up every 2 hours it was amazing. Later in the evening, I tossed and turned for several hours. I tried to listen out for Abolarinde to make sure I would be awake if he cried. This was my first time in months not sleeping next to him so I was feeling a little lost and nervous. I felt like I had talked a big talk about how much sleep I would get once he slept in his own room but it seemed like I was up just as much as I was before. Without even realizing it, it was 3 in the morning and Abolarinde had slept for almost 7 hours straight. To this day, I will advocate for sleep training. I think it hurt my feelings more than it hurt his but it was absolutely worth it. Me and my husband  do a dinner, bath, shea butter rub down, bottle and bed routine with him nightly. He’s in bed between 7-8 PM which gives us time to talk, laugh and just catch up! Although there have been weeks when he’s regressed due to a growth spurt, teething or being sick he’s done an awesome job!

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21 Questions

The week of February 12th had to be the best and worst time of my life. I was ELATED because my husband and I had a scheduled interview with immigration for him to receive his green card and he could come on home and be with his wife and baby (AIN’T GOD GOOD?) We had been waiting for this appointment for a while. I googled and saw comments on so many websites about couples waiting for years before they got their interviews and I felt blessed for this process to be as quick as it was. On February 15th my husband came home so we could prepare for the interview. We looked up questions the immigration officer may ask but overall with these type of things there is no way you can prepare. That night it was hard for all of us to sleep. The baby was up what seemed like the entire night. Our appointment was at 8 in the morning and I wanted to be there early so I set an alarm for 5 AM. We dressed the baby, got dressed ourselves and we were on our way to Indianapolis. The car ride was eerily quiet. The music played in the background, the baby slept and we heard his purring breathing but that was it. My husband’s friends called him periodically to wish him luck and give him words of encouragement. I could tell that he was nervous and I was trying to hold it together for him but the more I thought about the interview and the more people called to talk to him my stomach started to gurgle. Everything relied on the interview. What if the officer didn’t believe what we said, what if we forgot to turn in piece of paperwork? Thoughts of doubt began to consume me the remainder of the car ride. I tried to pray the anxiousness off of me and my husband but we couldn’t get it together. An hour later and we arrived at the immigration office. We took the elevator to the third floor and everyone in the elevator gazed at alert Abolarinde peeping the scene. Part of me wished that me and my husband could have experienced this by ourselves but another part was glad that Abolarinde was here for this. When he gets older I want him to be aware of the sacrifices that his dad and I made for him. I am so blessed that Olarinde stepped up and took responsibility when it was time. A coward would have left and returned to their country where they are comfortable but my husband chose to stay.

The elevator released us at the third floor and we went through security. We sit for no more than 10 minutes then a man came out of an office and called our names, (Tia Rucker and Olarinde Dominic??). We stood and acknowledged ourselves. The man came towards us and asked for me to come back in the room. “Can you come back in the office? And can you leave the baby with you him?” HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE! So we can’t do this interview as a unit AND I can’t take my baby in for moral support? Blasphemy. I passed Abolarinde to his father and walked back. I think realized I left my ID with him and went to get it and walked quickly down the long hallway to the man’s office. I sat down and 21 questions commenced. I have never in my entire life had my privacy so invaded in my life. I had to recall specific dates, times, places and things that I wouldn’t normally think about. My responses were accurate but somewhat delayed even for the questions I felt I was “prepared” for. The interview was over and I went out the office doors to switch places with my husband. He handed the baby to me and Abolarinde looked so tired. He’d been awake the majority of the night and during the early morning was usually nap time for him and I. I talked softly to him saying, “I’m ready to go too son”. For what seemed like an eternity my husband stayed in the office being interrogated. He finally came out looking flustered. We gathered all of our things and left as quickly as we could. While in the car proceeding to the highway I was filled with emotions. I was excited, I was relieved, I was stressed, I was overwhelmed, I was ready for this process to be over and to have my family together and comfortable under one roof. I began to sob and my husband comforted me. I know there are people that try to manipulate the system for their benefit but we were not trying to do that! “I’m over this! It’s so stupid!”, I yelled out. I just wanted my husband home. He deserved it! He’d worked so hard in his graduate program, he’d worked so hard to prepare for the baby to come and he wanted to be recognized as a person that was meant to be in this country. Almost 10 minutes from home, Abolarinde cried..LOUD and nothing could soothe him. We tried giving him a bottle and patting him while in the car seat but he wanted out. I was so glad to be back home. During the early afternoon my husband left to return to Chicago but I was not bothered this time because I KNEW this would be the last time he would have to do this commute ever again. 

[heymstia-blog]

Grandmother, Grandfather Dearest

I brought my tired son into my parent’s home and they were so excited to see him. It had been 4 weeks since they’d seen him. The first thing my mom said when she saw him was, “Why don’t he have on a coat?? Its cold outside! He need on a one piece!”. Abolarinde is my mom’s first grandchild. Initially she was in utter shock and disappointment with my pregnancy. “This was not the plan”. The “plan” was to continue my education, secure employment, meet the man, date him for years, let my parent’s get to know him, get engaged, get married and years after that have a child. I did thee complete opposite and it truly disappointed my parents. After telling them about my pregnancy they continued to reiterate how hard it was going to be, they were unsure how I was going to cope and they were not sure of how the process of immigration went, they couldn’t understand why I all of the sudden showed interest in my husband, who is a Nigerian man and it was overall a lot to process for them. I cried a lot throughout my pregnancy because I wanted the acceptance and approval of my parents. Even at almost 25 years old, what they think is important to me. I truly want to make them proud. Eventually things got better. It took a while but today they love my husband and they give us continuous support. However, for a lack of better word, she is highly protective over her grandson. Me and my mom have gotten into heated disagreements, discussions about the choices I decided to make regarding Abolarinde but what I appreciate the most is my mom has started to let up (slightly) and let me do my mommy thing. 

I went into the bedroom to get Abolarinde comfortable and nurse him. My brother, his wife and step daughter visited. It was the first time my brother had met my son and we were both exhausted but I put on a good face. They stayed for while and left. It was getting late so I got comfortable and started nightly routine with Abolarinde expecting that it would go as planned as it usually does at home. It didn’t. We drifted off to sleep and it seemed that every other hour he woke up to eat. My dad decided to take him to the living room so I could get some rest and my mom tried to give him a bottle of my breast milk but it wasn’t the same as being able to nurse from me. I listened to him cry in the living room and heard my parent’s shuffling around to keep him quiet but I couldn’t take it anymore. I got out of bed and brought him back with me to nurse him. 7 AM came, the sun peaked through the window and Abolarinde was up again but I knew that he would be awake for 2 hours instead of eating and going back to sleep. My mom woke up and asked me how I felt and I broke into tears saying I am tired. I tried not to be tool vulnerable around my parents. I was embarrassed to be tired but I also wanted to keep up my facade of having it all together. I didn’t want to prove them right. Yes being a mother to a newborn was hard but I didn’t want to be tired to tears in front of them how LAME! My mom consoled me and went to cook breakfast. She even called off from work to stay home and relax with the baby and I. I felt so glad to be home and I even wondered why I didn’t come home sooner. Little did I know that in the next two weeks of my stay I was going to find out why I didn’t :) 

For the next few days I tried to maintain my daily routine and stay out of my parent’s way. I tried not to ask my parent’s for much help so I would take Abolarinde in the bathroom with me while I showered and try to hold him and do other things with one hand but my parents graciously helped out when they could. I tried to bathe Abolarinde every evening as I would if we were home and my mom would say, “Why do you bathe him everyday he’s not dirty, he doesn’t need a bath everyday” and I would refute, “It’s our nightly routine it may help him sleep better”. “He won’t know the difference in the routine he’s still young, yet”. Abolarinde ate every hour and a half, two hours but I would nurse on demand, if he needed comfort. “You feeding him again?? Is he getting enough to eat?? Have you considered starting him on some formula? You may want to consider that so you can make sure he’s getting enough to eat. What if you get sick? Since you not pumping someone else could watch him. If I was breastfeeding I would be pumping around the clock, you playing”. If I pumped I would show my mom how much and she would respond, “Is that all you pumped?? That’s why he eat every other hour”. Breastfeeding was hard enough for me. I was always self-conscious about if Abolarinde was getting enough to eat, if I was making enough milk, if I needed to take a supplement to increase my flow and now that I think about it I was probably stressing myself out. I continued to stay at my parent’s house because ANYTHING was better than staying back at my house , alone with Abolarinde. I intended to leave on a Saturday afternoon but Friday I woke up and had excruciating pain in my stomach. I couldn’t move, I was vomiting and sweating. I was almost certain that I had food poisoning. A friend of mine visited and brought me steak tacos from my favorite Mexican restaurant and they were so good the night before but they were SO bad the day after. I needed to go to the hospital, I hadn’t pumped any milk, my mom had to be at work at 12 pm, my dad had somewhere to be at 1 pm and my husband was at work all the way in Chicago. I bundled Abolarinde up in the clothes I had left for him since we stayed WAY longer than I expected and my dad took me to the emergency room of the same hospital my mom worked. I sat in that emergency room for 2 hours. My dad sat with me for as long as he could. He held Abolarinde, walked him around, comforted him when he was crying and rocked him to sleep.I had to ask the front desk receptionist for a pan so I could vomit while I waited, I had my now 5 week old son with me in this dirty hospital and I had to continue to nurse him. While I got my vitals checked one of the nurses volunteered to hold him which I was TOTALLY against since we were in this dirty, germ infested hospital. I was instructed to return to my seat and wait my turn to go to the back and be seen by a doctor. While I sat down I vomited again. An older couple saw me trying to hold the baby and comfort him as he whined and cried. They took him and held him while I tried to get myself together. We talked, exchanged some laughs and FINALLY  I was called to go to the back to get checked out. In Lafayette, I’ve been spoiled with the hospitals. They’re clean, the rooms are bigger and for the most part the care of the nurses and doctors are A1. This was not the case where I was. The nurse came in, pressed on my stomach and said I had gas. Another nurse came in and asked the most random questions. Finally the doctor came in and told me they couldn’t figure out what was wrong and, “I could stay overnight if I wanted to”. All the while, I was in the hospital room by myself with my sleeping baby that I held on my chest. I felt completely helpless and I was wondering was this going to be the running theme of my motherhood journey (struggle) because I wasn’t built for it anymore. As soon as my mom’s shift was over she came and relieved me from my baby. I told her what the doctor said and she recommended that I didn’t stay in the hospital and I agreed. The doctor prescribed me medication and she couldn’t even tell me if I was able to take the medication and breast feed at the same time. I WILL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF GET ME OUT OF HERE. I was so glad to be out of that hospital. It was evening by the time we left and better or not I was getting out of there with my child. My mom took me home and I laid back in bed with Abolarinde. He could tell that I was not feeling my best so he didn’t give me much trouble. He rested right beside me and listened to the faint sound of the television. My dad volunteered to take him into the living room and I accepted. Abolarinde was doing well and then my dad decided to sit him down and he cried, he cried loud and hard and my dad let him. He’s a believer in letting babies cry it out claiming that it helps them not be spoiled but I was not there yet in my motherhood journey to allow my child to cry like that and neither was my mom. She came back in the house and asked my dad, “Why are you letting him cry like that??” My dad insists it’s because he was spoiled but my mom brought my whimpering baby back to me to comfort. We had a LONG day but I was super appreciative of my parent’s for nursing me back to health. I figured to myself that I could stand to stay another day, or two, or three or five. 

The next 5 days staying at my parent’s house were really because I was being a big baby. I was afraid to go back to my house and even if my parent’s weren’t talking to me every hour of the day I just enjoyed knowing that someone was home. During the day they went to work and I stayed home with Abolarinde. I tried to straighten up their house as much as I could with him. I wanted to try to keep myself busy. I wasn’t completely comfortable with taking him out so visiting friends and family in the area wasn’t an option.This particular week my son was going through a growth spurt (a time in a child’s life when they are constantly nursing and clingy). It seemed like every 30 minutes to an hour I would lift my shirt to feed him. One night I prepared to lay down with Abolarinde and he didn’t want to lay down, go to sleep, nurse or be bothered with anyone. When Abolarinde finally did lay down to sleep he woke up every other the 30 minutes to an hour nursing. Some of these nursing sessions he would go back to sleep and other ones he would stay up. Normally, I would be able to lay him down beside me after he drifted to sleep but I had to lay him on my chest and sit up straight for him to be comfortable which was beyond frustrating and uncomfortable to me. Sunrise came and I was functioning from 1 hour of sleep. I tried to gather myself before anyone saw me. My mom woke up and asked me how I felt and I told her tired but she refused to show me much sympathy this time. She went into the living room to talk to my dad and as I laid in the bed I overheard her saying she bet I would have chose a different route if I knew what I knew now about taking care of  a newborn (and as different route I mean keeping my cookies to myself). I was upset and annoyed by the comment but more so upset with myself. I thought that if I knew now I probably would have made different decisions. This was not the plan that I had for myself but the truth of the matter was Abolarinde was here and I was responsible for him. The next few days Abolarinde continued to have scattered sleep and it became normal to me. On Thursday evening I made the executive decision that Friday it was time for me to go home. I had not scene my husband in what felt like FOREVER and I was ready to be in my own space as I knew my parent’s wanted their space back. I gathered Abolarinde’s things the night before and Friday afternoon. I packed him in the car and was on my way. I yet held my breath while driving with him but he slept the entire way back. We got back to Lafayette and my God it felt good to be home. Being away that long at my parent’s house made me appreciate my own space more. 

[heymstia-blog]

I Want My Mama!

The next few weeks of my mommy life journey were not easy but it did get easier. I’d established a day and night time routine, I was able to detect Abolarinde’s needs by sound of cry and I was even feeling comfortable putting him in his swing and bassinet in the living room so I could cook and do house chores. Once I felt that I had things under control, I felt more comfortable inviting people over to see him. I had family and friends from college come see him and me on Thursdays and Fridays so the days would go by quicker and I could anticipate my husband coming home. My friends made me laugh and my family showered my son in compliments. However there was always a small downfall to having people come over. My number one pet peeve of having guests is the unsolicited advice they feel that have to give based on their experiences. I never minded people’s advice when I asked or their suggestions but my head would all of the sudden itch when someone would tell me what I was doing wrong or when they would consciously or subconsciously making me feel like I didn’t know anything because I was a “New Mother”. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me an opinion or unsolicited advice about my son I wouldn’t have to buy another diaper in my life. Here were some of my favorites and as I continue this blog I’ll insert more for reader entertainment and enjoyment:

“Abolarinde will sleep in your bed forever because you’ve been bed sharing with him” (He sleeps in his own bed in his own room now. The transition wasn’t that bad), “Abolarinde is going to be so spoiled because all you do is hold him” (I did hold my son a lot the first month/half of his life but If I was in a warm womb for 9 months and my comfort has been interrupted to live in this big strange world and my sight isn’t the best because it hasn’t developed and I can only hear sounds I would want to be held all the time too. Now at 10 months he barely wants me to hold him which is super depressing so I’m glad I spend the first few months holding him) “You need to let Abolarinde drink some water so he can get the milk off of his tongue” (At 6 weeks old I personally don’t think my son needed water. He was exclusively breastfed, breast milk is thin and not as thick as formula so I doubted his immediate need for water at that age) and the list goes ON! Needless to say I lessened my guests to once in a while because it was DRAINING to feel like I had to entertain and engagingly nod my head to advice I knew I wasn’t going to take.

One thing that I’ve learned about motherhood is never get too comfortable because there’s always a monkey wrench in the plans. One weekend my husband came home and everything was status quo. Sunday came and I was preparing myself for my husband to leave but emotionally I felt okay and I think I finally coped with him being gone during the week. However, my throat was beginning to feel raw and my nose was itchy. I couldn’t believe it, I was getting a cold. I didn’t panic but I was more annoyed than anything. I’ve never been sick and had a baby! That evening I called my mom and told her how I felt and she invited me to come stay a few days at home to get better and overall get away from my home and I graciously accepted the invitation. The entire week I kept this on my mind and mentally prepared myself for the trip. Stuffy nose, sore throat, headache I continued to pack a little at a time, clean the house, cook and take care of Abolarinde. One thing that is awesome about Abolarinde is when I am sick, I think he knows, because he will sleep and not be too overbearing for me. This particular week he slept longer, he smiled and giggled more and didn’t give me too hard of a time which I really appreciated. Fortunately, Friday came and all cold symptoms went away! 

Monday was here and I was nervous and excited to leave my house/dungeon and be around some adult interaction! I prepared to take this trip but mentally I was not prepared. I was scared, I thought the baby would start crying and I would have to pull off to the side of the road. I considered leaving the next day or not going at all but finally I talked myself up to leave that afternoon. I put Abolarinde in the car seat which was not his favorite he cried, hard every time I buckled him in but as soon as the car started moving he would drift to sleep and this time was no different. I started to drive and I played soft gospel music in the background to soothe Abolarinde and myself. 30 minutes into the trip and Abolarinde begins to cry. I tried to drown out the cry with a little Fred Hammond (that’s usually how I drown out my cries) but he just cried louder. I stopped at a Taco Bell in Rensselaer, Indiana to feed and change him. He seemed just fine after he ate but as soon as I put him back in the car seat the crying resumed. At this point I was just trying to get home to my parents and relax my mind. The rest of the way I pretty much held my breath and 10 minutes before I arrived to my parent’s house Abolarinde begins to cry again. “I’m not stopping, son”, I said to Abolarinde. He cried for thee longest 5 minutes of my life and by that time we were home he calmed himself. Eyes dry, and exhausted from the trip I wobbled carrying Abolarinde in the car seat up the elevator to my parent’s apartment. Home Sweet Home! 

[heymstia-blog]

I’s in Love...

Another weekend of daddy being at home with us left as quickly as it came and me and Abolarinde were just the two of us’ing again. On Tuesday, Abolarinde woke up and was so stuffy. He wasn’t fussy but he sounded so congested and when he was nursing or sleeping he would have to breathe out of his mouth and his little face looked puffy. I didn’t panic but being a first time mom to a now 2 week old I had no other choice and there was no other immediate option for me but to take him to the doctor. I called Abolarinde’s pediatrician and they asked me if I could be at the office in 30 minutes. I quickly answered, “Sure!” but after hanging up the phone I meant, “how do you want me to get me and a baby dressed, in the car and to an office that is 10 minutes away in 30 minutes??!” Well, challenge accepted. I jumped up and got Abolarinde dressed, laid him in his bassinet while I got dressed and brushed my teeth and put on anything. Surprisingly, he was so cooperative today but part of that was him being uncomfortable and lethargic. I looked at him be so uncomfortable and I didn’t care about how I looked, and that my clothes didn’t match or that I still hadn’t showered or eaten, I just wanted to get to the doctor and figure out how I can make my baby all better.

 We got to the doctor, he examined Abolarinde and said he has a little congestion but nothing serious and that it is perfectly normal for newborns his age to have their first cold now. He reassured me I was doing everything right (so good to hear since I felt like I was doing everything wrong) and I continued to apologize for wasting his time. Before heading home I stopped at Walgreen's and got one of my favorite baby items and baby’s not so favorite, NoseFrida. This particular product comes with saline spray, foam filters and a plastic nose sucker. The mommies in my Black Mom Facebook Group swear by Ms. Frida and almost 10 months later it has been my saving grace during colds, teething or those stuffy nose mornings. When Abolarinde and I got home I wanted to be reassured that he was relaxed so I decided to take on the task of giving him his first bath. I’ve read so many articles prior to having him that baby’s first bath should be a two person job but I didn’t want to wait and I was confident I could do it alone. He had already lost his umbilical cord and his circumcision was healed so I thought it was perfect timing. One thing I wish I would have asked for was a regular baby bath tub instead of a summer time bath. Bath time would have been less painful for my child in my opinion. I read articles and watched YouTube videos trying to prepare myself for bath time but ultimately I did what I thought was best. I tried to have everything laid out before hand; lotion, powder, towels, light soap. I undressed him and took him into the bathroom. I made sure the heat was on and it was warm and comfortable. I gently laid him on the summer infant bath sling and he squealed like a pig. I picked him up and tried to bathe him in my hands and he relaxed slightly. He was enjoying the warm water, the heat of the bathroom and I was okay knowing that he was okay. I rinsed him off and took him into the room and as soon as I laid him down he squealed again but this time simultaneously peeing on me. I screamed which probably scared him and he squealed some more. I dressed him in a warm, fuzzy onesie and turned on the humidifier. I prepared a warm bottle of breast milk for him and let him comfort nurse until he drifted to sleep. While he napped I watched him to to make sure he was breathing correctly. At that very moment, I can say this is when I knew I fell in love with Abolarinde. He fell ill and nothing else mattered to me. Everything I was doing to relax him wasn’t perfect but I did my best and my best was good enough for him. This is when I was able to initially form my understanding of what motherhood is all about. Abolarinde was not asking for a perfect mother and he didn’t put high expectations on me but I set the expectations for myself and perfect or not he was satisfied with the care I was providing for him. There are good days and bad days but if I do my best, he is okay with that and I know in my motherhood journey I would never give him anything less than my best. 

[heymstia-blog]

Day & Night

Monday came and I was starting my first full week alone with Abolarinde. Fear left me but I was now consumed with exhaustion and the feeling of loneliness. I  immediately established a daily schedule for myself that I figured would make the day go quicker...

         Abolarinde’s Daily Schedule...(Well He Does What He Wants But I Like               To Make Myself Think That He’s Doing What I Want at 2 Weeks Old)

7:30-9:00 am: Baby wakes to nurse/change diaper and walk around the house with hopes that he’ll go back to sleep 9:30-11:00 am: Baby and mommy sleep more until the warm sun peeps through the blinds 11:15-12:00 pm: wake up/nurse/lay in bed and watch television until I can hardly stand my morning breath and the crust in my eyes  12:00-1:00 pm: Change baby diaper, his clothes/comfort nurse and text mom frantically asking why his skin is still peeling (new baby skin peels so much it’s crazy) 1:30-2:00 pm: try to eat breakfast (well its lunch now) nurse baby and scan through new television shows on my Fire-stick even though I know I’m going to watch the same one I watch every day simultaneously 2:30-3:30 pm: In this hour I have a few choices to make!  I could nap with baby ( if I was really tired I would and nurse) or stare blankly at television and pretend I’m not tired and nurse or catch up on social media and nurse. Sometimes around this time I would also try to take a shower strategically placing baby in swing in the bathroom with me. Quickest 5 minute showers of my life were during the first 1-3 months of my son’s life. 4:30-6:00 pm: Eat dinner and nurse (I still didn’t have an appetite for anything but I would eat oatmeal, a pb&j or something that wouldn’t make me too sleepy so that I could be alert. The worst mistake I could have made was precook meals and freeze them because most of that food went to waste) 7:00-8:00 pm: change baby into pajamas, FaceTime daddy, turn off the lights, thank God that the day is over and nurse 9:00 pm-until: nursing night shift resumes.

I would repeat this schedule with varied changes daily. Sometimes I would decide to have company but I would rather the company come later in the week so I could make sure I looked well rested, that the house was clean and that the baby was having a good week. I prided myself on making it look like I had things all together ( I honestly still do). Unless I say something, no one would ever know the struggles that I deal with daily. Every day with Abolarinde was not a good day. There was at least 1-2 days when he was extremely clingy. I couldn’t put him down to pee or change my clothes. I would have to wear a baby carrier around the house to make coffee, vacuum or check emails. Sometimes he would not want to nap and he wouldn’t want to go to sleep during the times that I thought he would. I remember many nights standing up swaying back and forth with tears streaming down my face praying to God that he would go to sleep so I could rest. Other days came easier! He would wake up, nurse, I could put him down for 15 minutes and do other things and I could even put him down during a nap! Either way, I had to be accepting of the fact that Abolarinde was not on my schedule and I was solely on his time. I desperately needed consistency in my life during a time when things were so inconsistent and the truth was I had to search for this in other ways because if I didn’t it was going to drive myself absolutely crazy. 

To be completely honest, I didn’t have a lot of company and I didn’t want a lot of company either. When I was pregnant and shortly after I had the baby I had many offers from family and friends that they would come by and watch the baby so I could sleep or come by and visit with food or they would come by and spend a few days. I was taught at a very young age to not depend on people’s word because they are not contracted nor obligated to it. People change their minds, people may say things and don’t mean it but during my most exhausted days I was hoping that someone would come help. I was hoping that someone would call me and say, “I’m on my way”. And shame on me for not reaching out to those friends and family members for help and assistance! Closed mouths don’t get fed! I was just too proud! Part of the reason I didn’t want to reach out to anyone because I didn’t want a bunch of questions and interrogation. I only shared to a few friends and family but the situation with my husband and why he was having to commute. At the time it was extremely draining for me to repeat the same thing over and over. I didn’t want the judgement from anyone. My husband is from Nigeria and without people doing research about immigration process, green cards etc they assume that I’m responsible for him and that he is here on a premeditated mission. Lastly, as crazy as it sounds I didn’t need anyone boasting about anything that they may have done for me. I show the utmost gratitude to those who are there for me even if it is for a conversation/venting session. However, I have came in contact with those who will take credit for saying, “bless you” after I sneeze and I would rather take care of Abolarinde by myself than have to sift through different energies and personalities which I probably wouldn’t want around my child. Fortunately I’ve had great success with awesome friends, family and coworkers that genuinely have me and my child’s best interest. 

[heymstia-blog]

Merry Christmas, Abolarinde

My parents left and I searched for a pair of my favorite big girl panties to put on so I could be an adult about this whole situation but I couldn't find any and I did’t have any to spare. I sat on my couch and stared blankly at the television. I tried to talk myself into positive thoughts saying it was Thursday and my husband got in on Friday evening after work. I managed to make it another half day, evening and night with Abolarinde which led into Friday morning. I prayed for the day to quickly turn into night so JayJay could come home and relieve me of my motherly duties but it seemed that the day dragged on FOREVER. The late evening approached faster than I thought and I went to bed anticipating JayJay's arrival. I heard his car engine rumble through the living room windows and listened for his keys to jingle in the door knob. I really expected to be more excited when he came in, and I was, but I also had a feeling of resentment come over me. Throughout my whole pregnancy I told myself I was not going to resent my husband because even though he is not home with us all the time his struggle is different than my struggle. On the right side of my shoulder I heard, "how dare he come in here looking well rested and asking me how am I doing?? He should know how I’m doing! I’m not doing, I’m about to loose it!" On the left side of my shoulder I heard, "Tia if he could be here with you and the baby he would. Get over yourself". I tried not to be snippy with him but it became a constant weekend struggle for me. 

The next day was Christmas even and I was SOOOO NOT in the Christmas spirit. I didn’t feel inclined to drive to a family members house because Abolarinde was only a little over a week old and I didn’t want him out in the cold and I also had a huge fear of people and their germs. I didn’t want to cook because I was mentally and physically drained. There were no carolers going door to door and singing “Silent Night: like in the movies, there was no Joy to the World I just wanted to be over this day. Before Abolarinde was born I insisted that me and JayJay put up stockings, Christmas decorations and a Christmas tree so when he came home he would be able to enjoy the festivities! ( I didn’t realize that Abolarinde couldn’t see that young anyway so forgive me). However, I laid in bed majority of Christmas Eve, tried to avoid watching anything Christmas related and on Christmas day I took Abolarinde in his room to unwrap baby shower gifts (he was sleep I probably enjoyed this more than he did). Towards the end of Christmas evening, JayJay prepared to leave to go back to Chicago. Now, I pride myself in holding it together but for some reason this evening I exploded into tears and blubbering. “I don’t want you to go back this is stupid!! I’m tired and I’m scared and I’m here by myself all of the time! I know i’m going to be alright but I don’t feel okay right now! I’m not okay I didn’t sign up for this Olarinde I didn’t!” I watched JayJay helplessly lay in bed next time me with the baby on his chest with not much to say. I tried to not put a lot of pressure on him and not displace my feelings onto him. I knew that even though he was not around and he was able to interact with the outside world more than me he was struggling watching his wife and child be hours away from him and there was nothing he could do at that moment. JayJay comforted me the best he knew how and even stayed longer that evening to ensure I was calm enough to take the baby. He gathered his things and I walked him to the door. He kissed me and the baby, we said our I love you’s and he went on his way. I walked back to the bedroom breathing deeply with every step whispering to myself, “You got this, you got this”. As I laid down with Abolarinde on my chest I heard him breathe in and out deeply. “Me too son, Me too”.

[heymstia-blog]

Merry Christmas Abolarinde! (12-25-2016)

[heymstia-blog]

Your House is not A Home

My parents stayed with me for 3 days and they were a HUGE help. I didn’t want them to wake up in the middle of the night with the baby. I didn’t want them to watch the baby while I went out for lunch or for drinks. I just appreciated not being left alone in the quiet and with my thoughts. My mom cleaned out my refrigerator and cooked. My dad came and checked on me every other hour and went on about how proud he was of me. My dad ALWAYS tells me how proud he is of me and I never feel like I’m doing anything that is warranted for him to be so proud. I believe I’ve set these high expectations for myself so him being proud of me for things such as, having my own place, or graduating college or having a full time job and caring for my child are miniscule things to me. But it doesn’t hurt to hear my father tell me how amazing I am because its definitely easy for me to forget especially now. 

My parents planned to leave on Wednesday. They woke up, made me breakfast and came in and out of my room to talk to me. I laid in the bed with my baby on my chest (per usual) and tried to deep breathe in and out slowly to keep myself and calm and keep myself from crying. I was enjoying them being at the house with me so much that I almost forgot that they had to leave. I thought about asking them if I could come stay at their house but I didn’t want to invade their space. I thought about begging them to stay with me until my husband returned on Friday but I felt I would be overstepping my boundaries. I thought about pretending to be sick but I was too grown to be acting like a young child so I remained quiet and smiled. My mom brought me my breakfast and came to my room. She sat on my bed and asked me how did I feel. I continued to tell her I was fine just tired but that really translated to (I’M SCARED PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME I’M SCARED I CAN’T DO THIS BY MYSELF). She noticed that there weren't many things in the house that signified JayJay lived there. My husband didn’t permanently move into our home until February. I’d mainly occupied the space from August until then in December so of course most of my pictures and awards and diplomas were in the house. JayJay brought clothes and a few things to keep there when he came but kept the rest of his things in his place in Chicago. My mom continued to pry and soon tears began to stream down my face. She kept asking me what was wrong and if I was okay. I was NOT okay. I didn’t mind being at the house by myself while I was pregnant. I won’t lie, I definitely had some days when I would call my husband crying that I didn’t like being by myself. I couldn’t come home to him rubbing my feet or my belly or cooking me dinner or rubbing my back. But this was different. I now had another life to care for and couldn’t focus on the needs and wants of myself. I had to wake up every other hour and couldn’t rely on someone to take the baby if I was tired and I was solely on Abolarinde’s schedule. My mom begged me not to hold my emotions in and to express to her or my dad when I was struggling or sad or not feeling like myself. I heard of post-par tum baby blues but I didn’t think I would go through it. I’ve been able to put on a “have it together” face for YEARS and I was frustrated at myself that I couldn’t do that now. There was no hiding that I was incredibly sad, anxious, and exhausted. After talking with my mom her and my dad made the decision to stay another day and it was a huge burden off my shoulders. It was one more day I could stall this loneliness but the day came and went.

The next day I heard my parents pack their bags and go in and out of the door to load the car. They stalled leaving until the late afternoon and I appreciated it. I walked them to the door and we hugged and kissed goodbye. They left and I sat on the couch in the living room and held back tears. “Tia you can not cry everyday of your life get it together”. Little did I know that the days of being teary were going to come more than not. 

[heymstia-blog]

It’s Under Control

I laid in the bed with my newborn baby and breathed in and out deeply reassuring myself that I could do this. “Tia women do this by themselves all of time. You can do it.” But that was the thing. I didn’t sign up to be a single mother. For months I convinced myself that I knew what came with being the wife and baby mother to an immigrant that was in the middle of a paper process but I did not know it was going to feel so alone. I quickly cheered myself up. My parents were due to come spend a few days to help with the baby and that was my motivation to make it through the night. 

My mom checked in on me multiple times during the day but I refused to call her because I didn’t want to wake the baby. Well, she didn’t care she called me instead. We talked and I put on my strong, I know what i’m doing, I got this voice and quickly rushed her off of the phone. It got later in the night, I turned the television volume down and got under the comforter with my baby. Even though he slept peacefully on my chest I laid there awake waiting for his cry. I remembered myself being SO against bed sharing and beat myself up over judging mom’s that did it. I was pretty naive to assume you can lay a newborn baby down by themselves in a big bassinet and expect them to sleep peacefully all night fresh out of my womb. 2 hours later it was 1:30 am and Abolarinde woke up to eat. I nursed him, changed him, went to the bathroom myself and laid back down. This was now the new night shift routine. When I think back I always laugh at the fact that I held Abolarinde the whole night. I took him everywhere with me even though he had a bassinet, a crib and a swing to lay in. I took him to the kitchen, I took him to the bathroom, I held him here and there and everywhere. A few times that night I was able to drift off to sleep but once I was in a deep sleep I was startled into cold sweats and my heart beating fast from Abolarinde crying or my anxiety.

At 7:30 am I saw the sun peaking through the blinds in my room and I realized we made it through our first night together alone. I was proud of myself and even though this was hard I knew that it was doable until me and my husband’s situation could change. At 9:00 am I started to get up and move around. Abolarinde’s first doctor appointment was at 1:30 pm that afternoon so I figured I should start getting ready at 10:00 am. It was my first time having to get ready with a baby but I didn’t want to take my chances being late. There was only one thing…how was I going to hold my baby, wash up, put on a face and get dressed. I remember one of my friends saying I could put my baby in the car seat and run water while I got ready. The sound of water was relaxing for Abolarinde and it worked! Getting him dressed was a different story. He cried the entire time. It was cold outside so I was mindful to dress him warm but not too warm so he wouldn’t overheat. The car seat straps seemed so tight on his arms and body but  I didn’t want them to be too loose either. The drive to the doctor’s office was slow and quiet. I held my breath the whole time. I’m not a speed demon but I’m definitely not shy to doing 5 above the speed limit. This day I did thee speed limit. The visit to the doctor’s office wasn’t bad for the first time. Abolarinde fell asleep on his way to and from the doctor. He cried a little when he was being checked out but his doctor was kind and Abolarinde seemed comfortable with him already. 

At 3:00 pm I came home from the doctor tired with Abolarinde. I laid him on my chest as I struggled to watch TV with my dry, red, restless eyes. My mom called and said her and my dad were outside of my house and I was beyond relieved. My parents were not the happiest campers when I told them the news that I was pregnant but I was grateful that they put their feelings aside to come and help me. They walked in the house bringing in their bags of clothes, toiletries, blankets and other items to make them feel at home. I went into my room with the baby and my mom asked me how I was doing. She asked, “Tia, have you been holding the baby all day?” and I looked at her with the most confused look. What else was I supposed to do put him down and let him cry? I said OF COURSE I’ve been holding him all day he’s my buddy. She looked at me and broke into laughter. “Tia you don’t have to do that”. She grabbed the baby swing wrapped him up like a burrito and placed him in it. “Now, he’s sleep and you go to sleep. Me and your dad are going to the store to buy you groceries so we can cook.” My parents were sent in angel form to come help i’m convinced. I was able to get two hours of sleep and when I woke up the baby was still in the swing asleep. My parents came back from the store and my mom came in my room to relieve me of my mommy duties so I could enjoy a warm, non-rushed shower. While in the shower I watched breast milk leak out from my breasts and drip on my feet, I then heard my mom burst into the bathroom, “He Hungry”. I jumped out of the shower, grabbed my son and nursed him on the toilet. My mom took over after he had a full belly so I could moisturize and eat dinner. I found that when I wasn’t anxious I was able to eat. When I felt comfortable and when things felt the most under control I had the strongest appetite but if things felt like they were spiraling I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t thirsty, I didn’t want to talk to anyone I just wanted to keep my baby close, lay down and be still.

Night time came and my mom suggested I lay Abolarinde down in his bassinet. “It’s not going to work mom he’s going to cry”. I watched her wrap him in a way that made him feel like he was in the womb again which helped him drift to sleep”. “Turn the TV off and close your eyes”. It was the first time I felt okay and safe to sleep peacefully with my baby out of my immediate sight. 4 hours later I woke up and felt the most rejuvenated I’ve felt since my baby was born. A little after I woke up my baby woke to eat and the night shift started. I was in a much better mood not even because I was rested but I didn’t feel alone anymore.

[heymstia-blog]

Cry Baby, Cry

Abolarinde, JayJay and I arrived home and another rush of fear took over my body. I went to our bedroom where the bassinet was and placed Abolarinde in it assuming that he would rest peacefully until I unpacked and got comfortable...he cried immediately. I read somewhere that if you throw a blanket in the dryer for 10 seconds and place it in the baby's bassinet it would make the baby more comfortable so I did that...he still wasn't having it so I held and guarded him with my life everywhere I went. My husband's friend visited shortly after we got settled so I took Abolarinde to the guest room to try and breastfeed him again. I prayed that he would latch. I played gospel music from my phone and sang to him and alas, he latched! However, the other times during the evening he sometimes would latch and sometimes wouldn't. My husband ordered a pizza and we tried to relax but we were both trying to avoid the fact that the next day it would be just me and Abolarinde. Night fell and I was exhausted. Within the last 3-4 days I had maybe 8 hours of sleep and I was so happy to be back in my bed. My husband turned the tv off, we laid our baby down in the bassinet and closed our eyes. Less than twenty minutes later, "wahhhh" the baby cried. I reached over to pick him up and tried to feed him but he would not latch to my breast to eat and I panicked. I had no formula or back up plan so I quickly plugged in my electric breast pump and pumped tiny drops of colostrum hoping that this would satisfy Abolarinde's hunger. I fed him with the bottle and he went back to sleep. I laid him back in his bassinet and closed my eyes. 1 hour later, "wahhhhh". My husband picked him up and laid him on his chest but he continued to cry so JayJay got up and took him to the living room to rock him so I could get rest. This continued all night. Up, down, up, down, cry, change diaper, feed, pump, walk around until he fell asleep. I have never been so sleep deprived in my life. In college, I was able to stay up all night in the library and go to class the next day and I thought I was tired then but OHHHHH this was an exhaustion I have never experienced in my life. To add to the struggle, I continued to run to the bathroom several times that night and I could tell something wasn't right. I typed in a few symptoms in google and thought back to high school just to realize I had a bladder infection. GREAT! After being up the majority of the night at 6am I drove back to the hospital to get an official diagnosis and get a prescription for antibiotics. When I returned home from my hospital excursion it seemed all was well. Abolarinde was sleeping on JayJay's chest and he was watching tv. I took over with the baby while JayJay ran some errands and cleaned up around the house. I had yet been to sleep not because the baby wasn't asleep but I was on edge. I was waiting for the next time the baby cried so I could be ready. In my time of desperation I turned to my sister-friend who had a baby 15 days earlier and told her how I was feeling. What she told me eased my mind tremendously. It was such a light bulb moment for me. "The baby will only cry when he's hungry or if he's wet" WOW! All of this time I was over analyzing. He could be sleepy, he could be sick, his skin could be hurting, his lips are chapped all of these thoughts consumed me and THIS was the answer I needed. After that I felt at ease and things came naturally. The evening was approaching and I heard my husband cleaning and trying to ensure everything was in order before he left to get on the road for Chicago. I saw how uncomfortable he was and I put on a strong face for him. He questioned himself if he should stay later in the evening, if he should go the next morning but I continued to reassure him that we would be just fine and I could handle it by myself. It got darker outside and my husband kissed me and the baby and left. I didn't walk to the door because I didn't want to get emotional but I heard the engine of his car start and I listened to the faint sound of him driving away. I looked down at Abolarinde and said, "Welp, I guess its just me and you."

[heymstia-blog]

It’s Under Control

I laid in the bed with my newborn baby and breathed in and out deeply reassuring myself that I could do this. “Tia women do this by themselves all of time. You can do it.” But that was the thing. I didn’t sign up to be a single mother. For months I convinced myself that I knew what came with being the wife and baby mother to an immigrant that was in the middle of a paper process but I did not know it was going to feel so alone. I quickly cheered myself up. My parents were due to come spend a few days to help with the baby and that was my motivation to make it through the night. 

My mom checked in on me multiple times during the day but I refused to call her because I didn’t want to wake the baby. Well, she didn’t care she called me instead. We talked and I put on my strong, I know what i’m doing, I got this voice and quickly rushed her off of the phone. It got later in the night, I turned the television volume down and got under the comforter with my baby. Even though he slept peacefully on my chest I laid there awake waiting for his cry. I remembered myself being SO against bed sharing and beat myself up over judging mom’s that did it. I was pretty naive to assume you can lay a newborn baby down by themselves in a big bassinet and expect them to sleep peacefully all night fresh out of my womb. 2 hours later it was 1:30 am and Abolarinde woke up to eat. I nursed him, changed him, went to the bathroom myself and laid back down. This was now the new night shift routine. When I think back I always laugh at the fact that I held Abolarinde the whole night. I took him everywhere with me even though he had a bassinet, a crib and a swing to lay in. I took him to the kitchen, I took him to the bathroom, I held him here and there and everywhere. A few times that night I was able to drift off to sleep but once I was in a deep sleep I was startled into cold sweats and my heart beating fast from Abolarinde crying or my anxiety.

At 7:30 am I saw the sun peaking through the blinds in my room and I realized we made it through our first night together alone. I was proud of myself and even though this was hard I knew that it was doable until me and my husband’s situation could change. At 9:00 am I started to get up and move around. Abolarinde’s first doctor appointment was at 1:30 pm that afternoon so I figured I should start getting ready at 10:00 am. It was my first time having to get ready with a baby but I didn’t want to take my chances being late. There was only one thing...how was I going to hold my baby, wash up, put on a face and get dressed. I remember one of my friends saying I could put my baby in the car seat and run water while I got ready. The sound of water was relaxing for Abolarinde and it worked! Getting him dressed was a different story. He cried the entire time. It was cold outside so I was mindful to dress him warm but not too warm so he wouldn’t overheat. The car seat straps seemed so tight on his arms and body but  I didn’t want them to be too loose either. The drive to the doctor’s office was slow and quiet. I held my breath the whole time. I’m not a speed demon but I’m definitely not shy to doing 5 above the speed limit. This day I did thee speed limit. The visit to the doctor’s office wasn’t bad for the first time. Abolarinde fell asleep on his way to and from the doctor. He cried a little when he was being checked out but his doctor was kind and Abolarinde seemed comfortable with him already. 

At 3:00 pm I came home from the doctor tired with Abolarinde. I laid him on my chest as I struggled to watch TV with my dry, red, restless eyes. My mom called and said her and my dad were outside of my house and I was beyond relieved. My parents were not the happiest campers when I told them the news that I was pregnant but I was grateful that they put their feelings aside to come and help me. They walked in the house bringing in their bags of clothes, toiletries, blankets and other items to make them feel at home. I went into my room with the baby and my mom asked me how I was doing. She asked, “Tia, have you been holding the baby all day?” and I looked at her with the most confused look. What else was I supposed to do put him down and let him cry? I said OF COURSE I’ve been holding him all day he’s my buddy. She looked at me and broke into laughter. “Tia you don’t have to do that”. She grabbed the baby swing wrapped him up like a burrito and placed him in it. “Now, he’s sleep and you go to sleep. Me and your dad are going to the store to buy you groceries so we can cook.” My parents were sent in angel form to come help i’m convinced. I was able to get two hours of sleep and when I woke up the baby was still in the swing asleep. My parents came back from the store and my mom came in my room to relieve me of my mommy duties so I could enjoy a warm, non-rushed shower. While in the shower I watched breast milk leak out from my breasts and drip on my feet, I then heard my mom burst into the bathroom, “He Hungry”. I jumped out of the shower, grabbed my son and nursed him on the toilet. My mom took over after he had a full belly so I could moisturize and eat dinner. I found that when I wasn’t anxious I was able to eat. When I felt comfortable and when things felt the most under control I had the strongest appetite but if things felt like they were spiraling I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t thirsty, I didn’t want to talk to anyone I just wanted to keep my baby close, lay down and be still.

Night time came and my mom suggested I lay Abolarinde down in his bassinet. “It’s not going to work mom he’s going to cry”. I watched her wrap him in a way that made him feel like he was in the womb again which helped him drift to sleep”. “Turn the TV off and close your eyes”. It was the first time I felt okay and safe to sleep peacefully with my baby out of my immediate sight. 4 hours later I woke up and felt the most rejuvenated I’ve felt since my baby was born. A little after I woke up my baby woke to eat and the night shift started. I was in a much better mood not even because I was rested but I didn’t feel alone anymore.