why are they all trying to make me into a saint? i want to do things. stop turning me into a saint.
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hey there babies!! just wanted to give a heads up that although my mini-hiatus (where i’ve mostly been without technology) was supposed to end today, a few of my professors decided to assign last minute things, and i really need to get around to those before i make my grand return! school and work have been kicking my butt, but i’m planning on being online tomorrow to get around to all the replies, messages, etc. that i’m behind on!
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hi just a quick note that i promise i’m not ignoring threads/starters/messages from anyone. the first week of school has just left me brain dead!!! if my count is correct, i have 6 more closed starters to do that i have begun writing, and you can expect those after the event! i’m about to leave the house to go get groceries and then go to a little dinner party with friends, so i’ll be gone for a while. but afterwards, i’ll try to finish writing responses to event-related things, and then start on my responses to any other threads i’ve got going.
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arixsanchez:
she gives him an incredulous look , brows furrowing , world spinning and stopping . the smirk that mirrored his expression had sent a shiver down her spine , casting her steel-caged heart in a frosty glow . she shuts up , even just for a moment —– and her throat is dry . as if she hadn’t thought about this , as if she didn’t know what he felt for her – as if , she hadn’t been terrified , utterly and completely , by what it meant to be near him . the possibility of being with him , of knowing that she could ruin it , and along with everything else . but this , this might as well have done the same thing . it was underlining the surface , a jump from friends to almost , back to friends . and god —– she was getting whiplash from it . “high-school ?” her voice snapped , and she’s questioning everything . “why are we-” a stutter , and she’s so mad , at herself and her feelings , and scared . but she presses on , daggers wielded in brown eyes . “why are we- talking about high school , saint ?” because ariana , high-school was where it started . high-school was where it flustered , and it grew into whatever it was now , wildly out of control . “god – in high-school , i didn’t even know who i was – w-what i want , and i was —” young , stupid , heart broken . you could take your pick . ‘i never asked you to dump anyone .” it’s defensive , because she knows deep down , that she didn’t have to . if someone had the chance of coming between them , he chose her , every time . her gaze darts , and the lump in the back of her throat was rising , like a hard pill to swallow . dark eyes brimmed over with gloss , but she’ll march through it , she wasn’t going to cry . his question —- hit through every defense she had , all the gates , every cage , every bar , armed and ready to strike . and boy , had it . why layton ? she didn’t have an answer , she had been asking herself that for years . “because —– anthony , i’m tired - okay ? i’m tired of hating him . i’m tired of having all this resentment inside of me , i’m tired of bottling up everything —– and we’re tied . we’re always going to be tied , we’re always going to share —- something .” it was the best she could do , and it was the truth . no matter how far he’d run , or how long she’d blame him , history couldn’t be erased so easily . “d-do you think i wanted this ? do you think i– wanted to get pregnant in high-school o-or drag you into it – i warned you – i tried - and yes i wanted you there because yes i’ve had feelings for you . and i–” she wavers between them , shaking her head . “you refuse to tell me how you feel- it’s always this —— drunk back and forth and the j-jealousy and i can’t do that again – i can’t .” there’s a pause , and she can’t shake the tightening in her chest any longer . “do you know how m-many times i’ve waited for you to say something ? or- what it feels like being the pregnant girl , and wanting you ? h-how your mother hated me ? i know what it feels like being the girl that loved too hard — so much that it ran away . i’m not doing it again —– i’m not — i don’t want to be the one that has to tell everyone what to do - i don’t want to be the one putting my heart on the line , again . so that i can watch you freak out , and then i’m hurt — again .”
“i’m sorry.” he felt as if he had been overflowing with apologies lately, always the one in the wrong, always making mistakes. already, he was beginning to regret his decision to argue with her. this wasn’t like them. usually things came so easily – like breathing. “i don’t know what i want, haven’t known what i’ve wanted.” he was scared. afraid to admit that a part of him had always longed to be more than a friend. he hadn’t allowed himself to think like that in a long time, his feelings for her had been conveyed in stolen time and stolen glances, fast-beating heart at the brush of her fingertips. for years that was all he had had. “i’ve been trying to do what’s best, for both of us. and i know i don’t always handle things well.” he’s pleading with her to understand that he doesn’t act out of selfishness alone. he wavers, uncertain, for a moment, deciding whether it’s best to continue speaking, knowing that if he starts, there will be no stopping. “but do you still love him?” that was the question, the answer he feared the most. it remained on his lips, stinging like poison every time he saw the two of them together. him or me – in a way, that’s what he’s really asking. if she said they would always be tied, did that mean a part of her still loved him, wanted him?
“i don’t – -” how desperately he wanted to shut her out, tell her that he didn’t want to talk about this anymore. it would be easy to walk away, but it would be a mistake. this was the most important thing he had ever had, which was why he had always kept her at a safe distance. better as friends, better to bury his feelings deep, deeper instead of risking this. “you friendzoned me, i friendzoned you. this was mutual, and you have to know that’s why i’ve never said anything.” a sharp intake of breath, then slow exhale. he couldn’t stand it, all of this inside him. closing his eyes, saint leans his head back against the cabinet behind, chin tilted up and hands holding fast to the counter. there was now an unsafe sort of smile about his mouth — what a torment the possibility in that smile was — and, at last, he speaks again. “do you know what loving you has been like?” there it is, that dangerous word. it’s an unerring tool of destruction, yet he’s unequipped with the ability to disarm it – he’ll ruin this friendship before the night is over, there’s no stopping it. at last, he allows himself to look at her once more, hazel eyes meeting brown before wandering to her lips. how could he have been so ignorant? to think that if he pushed his feelings aside, they would just go away. “it’s like setting yourself on fire and enjoying the slow burn of it. even though it HURTS like nothing else, you can’t help but want it to last as long as possible.” and when it’s over, it will have consumed him, this love will have consumed him. ariana was burning like the sun, and from the beginning, he had revolved around her. “but i’ve stayed, and i’ll still be here even when you don’t need me anymore. i’m not him.”
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arixsanchez:
ariana sanchez , with a voice as sweet as candy , and a temper twice as heavy . its always been one of her least favorite qualities , and you can see the way brimstone is ashed in dark brown eyes , and oh —- how they narrowed . the muscles in her jaw reflect the twitch under his , trying her best to not allow this fuse get ahead of her . hands perked , on her hips , chin tilted up to look at him dead in the eye —– a victor never bowed , and a wolf refused to shiver . if he wanted a fight , then she’d show him her canines . “i’m sorry — i didn’t know being my friend was a freakin’ requirement .” it’s tossed back just as quickly , just as brash . she needed him —– she would always need him , and god , she hated fighting . but the spark , it had dosed onto gasoline . “good — you should care less , because it doesn’t involve you .” a snap , and she didn’t really mean it , she’d take it back , but this was a fight that had been long overdue . “obviously you care , you expect me to follow you around like some kind of little lost puppy , when you’re free to date whoever the hell you want , whenever the hell you want ? god forbid —– i actually see anyone . — which i’m not , by the way , but if i was then you’d turn around , and pick a fight with them ! all because of what , you don’t care ?” the last words are tossed in a mocking tone of voice , and she’s frustrated . “alright then — switch the tables . i’m the one that’s pissed off .” she stepped forward , padding his jacket pocket , where she had seen him slip the booze . “ and you’re all liquored up , nice .”
he does care, he cares so much that it’s overwhelming at times. for years ariana sanchez had been the first thing he remembered upon waking and the last thing drifting through his mind before he was overcome by sleep. during the day she came to him obtrusively and obsessively, then always with a painful shock. but this was something new for them – the fighting. friend. the word drives the dagger deeper into his heart and he sees red. if that’s all they were then why was he feeling like this? he couldn’t choose what he wanted and didn’t want and that was the truth that he couldn’t escape. he wanted her even though he knew it would ruin them, so he would choke it down again and again until he couldn’t bear it anymore.
“seems like you’re getting our roles here a little confused.” smirk gives was to a scoff – if only she knew what he would do for her. head tilts to one side. he won’t yet meet the fire that’s burning within her, instead settling on ICE. how long will it take him to melt? “if anyone’s a puppy in this relationship it’s me.” arms fold into one another and words slur slightly. he hadn’t meant to get drunk at all, but he had needed something to distract him from his own thoughts and emotions. “and it’s been me – - god, since high school. since i met you.” hazel gaze wanders to the ceiling before returning to the brunette. “have you been fucking blind or something? you’ve always expected me to be there for you, and i always have been. UNCONDITIONALLY.” there’s no longer any hope of stopping the onslaught that’s escaping his lips. “even if it meant dumping a girl i was dating. even if it meant gritting my teeth and watching you with a guy that i knew was no good for you.” the hesitates, and the cracks are beginning to show. already, regret at picking a fight with her is brimming and expression soften, even if it’s only for a moment. “why him?” why layton? saint had thought that that part of their lives had ended when the other had left. but she had forgiven him so easily, slipped back into old ways with him so easily. now they were even living together. and it wasn’t fair that he was sent hurtling back to the past when he saw the two of them together.
#ft. ariana#「 ✩ * º ╳ interactions. 」#( i am half awake right now )#( so if this doesnt make sense im sorry )#( but ima go to sleep now )
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the two of them walking in together had been a dagger to the heart. almost immediately, he was a high schooler again, standing by helplessly, watching layton and ariana walk the halls together, watching them destroy one another as love consumed them. and the sight of it was unbearable, just as it always had been – if he dwelled on it for too long jealousy might eat him alive. so he distracts himself, moving from one person to the next, avoiding her gaze, a sip from his flask during the moments between. this isn’t unusual behavior for a wake, right? but it is unusual for him, and it doesn’t take long for her to notice. her hands on his shirt and she’s dragging him to the kitchen. saint should have seen this coming.
jaw clenches then unclenches, “just because i’m not speaking to you doesn’t mean i’m pissed off.” the words leave his lips with such ease and there’s a coldness to his eyes, the lines of his face telling her that this means nothing to him even as the pain in saint’s chest tells him otherwise. tongue armed with arrows – it’s with a raised brow and seemingly innocent smirk that he attacks. “i genuinely couldn’t care less about you and him, ariana.” he throws his name back to her the same way she’s done with his. his veins are electric, blood and alcohol buzzing through every inch of his body. arrogant and he’s brash, he’s showing her a side that she’s barely seen before. “i’m not required to talk to you.”
there’s the slightest hint of tension . and god , she hates that . showing up with layton had been a mistake —- but they had been home at the same time , they were going to the same place . it wouldn’t have made sense to not walk with him , right ? it’s why she can’t help but notice saint hadn’t spoken to her , making it an effort to avoid conversation each time she tried . it’s what leads her to gasping a fistful of his shirt , tugging him forward and out the back doors of the kitchen . arms cross over her chest , dark irises just as fiery , just as sharp , expecting an answer . but her heart ? oh — it was soft , it was aching , and she needed him to say something . “you’re clearly pissed off at me , anthony .” his real name twinged the corner of her lips , and she swallowed harshly . “ what’s your problem ? is this about layton because i—” she shakes her head . “moving into that house was not my idea . you can’t punish me for that . ” @holysainxt
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arixsanchez:
guilt swallowed the tiny brunette , and the only warmth she’s touched by is when he took her hand . ariana had always been a person that thrived on physical touch . before , when things had escalated between her and layton , she would flourish in it . arms wrapped around midsections , resting her head on their shoulders , kissing their cheeks , the tops of their hands , she wanted to be wanted —– as much as she wanted them . and now , when heartbreak ripped a fresh wound , it left a scar that never healed . she’s replaced romance , with friendship , and the line is constantly blurred . she’ll crawl into their beds , she’ll wrap her arms around him , bury her face into his neck , into the cotton of his shirt and chest . it’s the only little moments she’ll allow herself to have , because without romance , she’s been sharpened to a point —– and the warmth that beg for someone to hold her hand , was replaced with her friends . “i didn’t mean to wake you up..” sound is soft , and there’s a tiny hint of reluctant in her voice . but her hands , they curled beneath his palm , and interlocked between his . there’s a flutter in her chest , and she’ll confuse it with a hiccup . her frown is pulled into the dimpled corners of her cheeks . “nightmare?” she can only guess , only imagine what about . the same nightmare everyone was having , the same nightmare none of them could really wake up from . she doesn’t think about it , she pushes it to the furthest of her subconscious , and she drops it off a cliff , tethered in rocks , watching it sink . “do you want to talk about it?” her free hand still touching just on the high of a bruise cheekbone . gentle enough , so he doesn’t flinch . “i don’t know what i’m going to do with you–” the frown has finally tilted into a grin , and she swallowed , shaking her head and dropping her hand . it’s in her lap , while the other is still holding his . “what do you want this time?” it’s teasing , the detest of a smirk hinting hinting at his bravery to ask . his comment though , causes a scoff of laughter . “oh , graffiti cleanup ? sexy — totally hot . you should come by sometime , i’ll show you . you’ll be mildly impressed at the way .. i’m covered in paint . it’s practically an all girl car wash .”
cassiopeia, orion, lyra. hazel eyes pick out dotted constellations from their positions in the sky. he can't remember the last time he was stargazing. “it was this, it was REALITY, except –” saint hesitates, lingering on the brink of a decision. should he tell her or not? should he let her a little further into his heart? or not? “it was you, not ben.” the memory of it continues to haunt him, the way the fear of losing her had clawed at his insides and left him tender. thumb mindlessly caresses the back of her hand, skin still soft to the touch in comparison to her palm. at the very least, such a nightmare had shown that things could be worse. it could have been ari or maverick, ajay, esme, newt – he could have lost any of the people that he cared so much about. the thought of that terrified him. but instead, it had been benjamin, someone he barely knew, who had had never so much as spoken to.
his cheekbone burns where she touches him, another reminder that she’s here and this is real, not some continuation of a dream or a nightmare, even if a piece of him wishes it might be. if only he could return to sleep, wake up, and have things return to the way they were before they got off of those buses. for so many years he had wished his family might disappear and he might be free from that burden. saint would be more careful with his wishes now. turns out, freedom comes at a price. “i’m sorry.” brows knit together and soft eyes look up to meet hers through lashes. her fingers on bruised skin are also a reminder of what had happened at the party, something that they hadn’t yet discussed. no part of him regretted hitting layton but there was a pang in his chest whenever he thought about how reckless he had been, how just hours before it had happened he had been promising ariana that he would try not to lay his hands on the other. saint never wanted his words, his promises, to become meaningless to her.
“i don’t really know what i want.” and he didn’t. not when it came to her, not when it came to anything. at last, she draws a smile to his facade, defrosting his features. “mmm. sounds nice. do you have a special uniform that you wear?” mischief glints in hazel eyes. he’s joking, teasing, squeezing her hand not once but twice before he falters. “wait – aren’t you the only girl on duty right now?” nose scrunches up. “what kind of sexy car wash thign would that be?”
#ft. ariana#「 ✩ * º ╳ interactions. 」#( finally finally )#( a reply for you )#( woops the third para is short )
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hellkiteisms:
Considering that a day without any drama or at least one pissed off person isn’t a very successful one in her book, Roxana knows she still needs to do something to stir up some drama to have some good night’s rest later. If she doesn’t get all of that chaotic energy out right now, it’ll bother her and that’s really not worth it, especially when it can be easily prevented. So she heads to the dining hall where most people are bound to be at this time. It’s not like she had a certain goal in mind - plans are for losers, she prefers to be spontaneous and just go with the flow, inspiration will always strike sooner rather than later, after all. However, when she discovers a quite familiar face in the crowd soon after entering, she knows immediately what to do. Lips curled up in the hint of a smirk, she struts straight towards Saint knowing just how delighted he’ll be to see her. Leaning over his shoulders she whispers a short “missed me?” into his ear, her hair brushing over his shoulder before she sits down right next to him and steals a fry from his plate that are on the menu tonight.
he’s sitting there peacefully, quietly, enjoying a rare moment to himself after a day full of work. one fry after another as he chews slowly, slowly, almost robotically, glazed expression focused on a blank wall. how had things gotten like this? it seemed like years ago that life had been free and full of enjoyment, but in reality, it had been no time at all. saint is so lost in thought that he doesn’t realize she’s approaching – has no time to put his guard up against her before she’s invading his space, brushing against him and whispering into his ear. it sends a chill running down the length of his spine and he shifts in his seat, discomfort manifesting itself physically. “fucking shit.” he knows who it is before he even sees her, and it’s mumbled underneath his breath, just loud enough that he’s sure roxy will hear it. “ok, sure. just eat my food without asking.” eyes dart up sharply, meeting her gaze and challenging it with a scowl. hands slide his tray ever so slightly to the right, away from her grasp as if to say not yours. “what is it that you want? got bored and now you’re here to ruin my day?”
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closed starter // @minnietm
“i feel like you owe me an APOLOGY.” eyebrows raise and he hesitates, hovering above her. saint had recognized that long, blonde hair, cascading over her shoulder even from a distance, but in order to approach her, he had been required to bury his pride deep, deep inside of him. it had been weeks if not months since they had spoken, and with everything that had happened, this came as no surprise. there was the before, when he had let her use him over and over again only for things to end in this empty silence. then there was the after, where she had found a dead body, the dead body of one of their former classmates, whose wake they were now attending. he hadn’t known what to say or how to act, how could he possibly find the right words? and so his deep-set desire to avoid interaction had only grown. he still doesn’t have the right words, but it’s time – if they could only move forward from the past, return to some sense of the normalcy that they had had before, it would be enough for him. they had spent too long averting their eyes, avoiding each other's gazes, and for what? the shadow of a grin graces his features to cut through any tension between them. “you didn’t finish all the food on your plate, and that seems like a waste of my really hard work.”
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❝ run away, it was a powerful instinct;
i’m running because i can, because i must.
because i want to see how far i can go before i have to stop. ❞
#「 ✩ * º ╳ inspo. 」#( here's what i'm doing while listening to a podcast for class )#( a quick && simple edit )#( i will possibly )#( be around later today ! )
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❝Is this supposed to be your way of being charming or something?❞ (roxy)
a fake smile is plastered on his face as he looks to the other. with everyone around them, it's important to keep up appearances – he can't have his friends knowing just how her name alone causes his skin to crawl. “not exactly.” and with that, he turns away from her, moving to face the brunette he had been conversing with before roxy butted in. “i’m just trying to talk here.” he looks to the other pointedly as if to say get lost. “which was going pretty well up until you came along.”
@hellkiteisms
#ft. roxy#( SORRY THIS IS SO SHORT )#( i'm sleepy and tipsy ok )#( i went to lunch and the cute waiter bought me and my friends drinks )
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❝This isn’t a joke! We’re going to be stuck here the rest of our lives!❞
“i – -” he stops short, smile falling from his expression as he’s immediately brimming with regret at the words that have just escaped his lips. “i wasn’t trying to make the actual situation into a JOKE, honest.” he’s still scrambling to find the right words to correct himself. for once, why couldn’t he just think before speaking. “it makes me feel a little better to laugh about things, not take them so seriously.” there’s a pause, where eyes glance away once more before returning to meet hers, a smile flickering across his features. “you didn’t think it was at least a little bit funny?”
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arixsanchez:
she’s barely able to keep above water , her chin dipping under freezing hues of azure . a loud laugh , and she’ll dip under the water to wet her hair , and push it back out of her face with fluttering lashes . his words however , didn’t drown out with the glacier water . they sunk deeper in the corners of her mind , burrowing , puddling , and if she weren’t careful , they’d freeze over , and she’d slip . when he comes back up from the canonball , she does her best to push back the thought of him tripping over his pants , but the giggle is still cascading through parted lips . “by the way —– i don’t plan on marrying the first guy that treats me right ..” her words brushed with closeness , swallowing harshly as she swims closer to the shallow end , head back , practically floating . “part of me wants something real , and then —- i have this tendency to just .. push it away .” her back his the corner of a tiled pool , brown hues finding his from across laps of ripples . “it’s better to just , have this …” instead . “and is that what you want?” she didn’t mean it , the way it sounded , the way it came out before she could catch . so she swallowed her pride , and drowned out that litter of insecurities she would never let the world know she had . “i mean –” her gaze is elsewhere , averted , focusing on the way her hands swayed under the water , goosebumps chilling the tanned skin . “nevermind-” it was brushed under the rug , with the flirting , pretending that it hadn’t happened at all . god , if she could just —- open herself up again . but instead , she’s locked herself away in a steel castle , or so she thought . she had been so careful , how in the world did he get a key ? at what point had she closed her eyes , and opened , and he was there ? or —- had he been there the entire time ? the realization is record setting , it’s a home run , out of the ballpark . so much , she barely hears the next set of strung together teases . her gaze flickered over her shoulder , brows narrowed playfully , and her chin tilts with a challenge for him . “if you can catch me .” she grinned , pearly whites luminescent in the basking glow of the pool . catch her saint —— that’s all you have to do . she’ll sink further in the pool , and she can touch the bottom now . she’s not floating , she’s not unaware of the distance closing between them . one foot at a time , she’s inching , until she’s just in front of him —– practically begging to be caught . the moment comes , and it passes , brown hues matching the gold in his . her heart is beating faster and faster , and —– nothing . her gaze faltered down , and she’ll tug her lower lip between pearly teeth . with that , the silence is echoed in a sudden splash , playing their closeness as a toy of distraction , as if she didn’t want something from him , as if — even for a moment , she wasn’t curious . they couldn’t , ariana reminds , tugging the thought back to the surface . they were friends . “ha , gotcha !” but really , this wasn’t a game she was ready to play .
bobbing under then above, under then above. blue swallows them whole, taking their breath away, only to bring them up to oxygen once more. what is it that he wants? he’s not sure anymore, all he knows is that this has to be enough. this sudden breathlessness and then breathing again, the friendship that existed between them, would have to be enough – he had settled on that long ago. if nothing had happened between them after all these years, what hope did he have now? besides, there’s truth to her claim that it’s better to have this. he wouldn’t be the one to ruin them. “i want you to be happy.” eyes that are normally so full of laughter flicker serious, even if just for a moment.
the blue casts her in the lights of something strange and wonderful, something elusive. catch me. ariana says it as if it’s an easy feat. and yet he’s been chasing after her for years – never quite able to grab hold and permanently faced with the image of her back towards him, her figure only looking back to laugh that infectious laugh.
legs kick and he’s still floating, the scent of chlorine burns his nostrils as he watches her fall under, succumbing to the water below. and suddenly she’s there, rising up from the depths in front of him. this was as close as he could ever get. an arm extends – ready to wrap around her waist to pull her closer but stops short, settling on her arm instead. but now they’re close, so close. jawline tilts downwards and lips part, any closer and they would be kissing. time stands still his head is buzzing with alcohol and memories and the past and the future. but no, saint needed to make this stop – the hard, physical longing, like a craving for air underwater, the no, no, no of it all. they couldn’t do this. this was not allowed. head is quickly thrown back in laughter and then he’s swallowing his feelings up again, forcing them down his throat. he’s searching for something to fill the air between them, but all he can come up with is “ha, gotcha!” hand releases from its grip and he splashes her. “thought you might play harder to get than that.”
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❝Not-uh no way, there’s no way in hell i’m going in there. ❞
「 ✩ * º ╳ flashback. 」
it’s not until he hears the protest ring out that saint realizes the gown-clad brunette is no longer by his side. instead, she’s several feet back, heels planted firmly. there’s still a trickle of people making their way into the PROM, and they’re weaving first around her, then him, displeased expressions being directed towards the both of them for stopping in the middle of the walkway. already, they’re late – saint can hear the faint thump of the bass inside – but she had insisted on hair and makeup being perfect. “when did ariana sanchez become a scaredy-cat?” he can tell that she’s nervous, that she’s second-guessing her decision to come. yet, if she doesn’t he knows she’ll regret it by morning. pearly-whites show in a reassuring smile and he’s stepping back to where she stands. “it’s too late to turn back now. if you’re lucky you might even have fun tonight.” and with that, hand slips into hers and gently tugs. “come on, i really don’t want to have to carry you in.”
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❝What the hell are we supposed to do now? ❞
“depends on what GOD you worship.” eyes waver heavenward before returning to earth and he cracks his fingers, nerves becoming a physical manifestation. “my parents would probably say we need to pray. my friends? they’d probably say we just need to enjoy ourselves as much as possible and then hope for the best.”
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❝How did you sleep last night? ❞
“i didn’t, and i must say i miss having access to an unlimited amount of coffee.” a crack in his expression reveals a grin pulling at lips and there’s little he can do to stop the yawn that pulls his mouth wide next. “were the under-eye bags a dead giveaway?” with all that had happened, it was no wonder saint had found it hard to drift to sleep most nights. disappearances, potential murderers – all that had happened left his imagination running wild. “hey–” he looks to the other with mischeif glimmering in hazel eyes. “how about we see if we can swipe some? caffeine would do us both some good.”
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CHARACTER STUDY — friendship
@holysainxt @mcveriicks @itsnevvton
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