honeydewsadness

[honeydewsadness]

i cant believe all those years are now confined to nod in the hallway. how the fuck does a nod hold 3 years of memories???

[honeydewsadness]

they want to take everything away from us

[honeydewsadness]

im sorry i told people about what you did to me.

i think i just needed people to tell me it was wrong.

because if not, i would still think you could do no harm.

[honeydewsadness]

i still think of you before i go to sleep. it stops me from sleeping. the guilt, the hoping the wanting.

the guilt for leaving.

the hoping you’d say sorry.

the wanting for it to all go back to how it was before.

[honeydewsadness]

i can always tell when my mother is feeling insecure.

empty cupboards, full ashtray, angry words.

‘im on a diet, why dont you join me?’

[honeydewsadness]

i walked away, you didn’t listen.

[honeydewsadness]

sometimes i think about going back to how i used to be, unaware. not blissfully, just unaware. unaware of the evil that causes your evil. unaware of how evil you are.

maybe then you’d look at me.

maybe then you’d say you loved me.

[honeydewsadness]

i dont think ill ever stop waiting

‘like a dog, with a bird at your door’

[honeydewsadness]

i’ll still think about you for many birthdays

[honeydewsadness]

‘cause i love this curse on our house’ - the alcott, the national + taylor swift

[honeydewsadness]

i’m sorry i moved on and left you waiting.

i couldn’t breathe.

[honeydewsadness]

‘once i took your medication to know what its like, now i have to act like i cant read your mind.��

i knew addiction ran deep in my blood, taking up every part of my family. still, i chased every substance that ruined my home, every sniff, every puff, every sip.

because deep down, i wanted to see if it was worth it. was the high worth the low? was the feeling worth the feeling of waking up and knowing your family is destroyed once again?

i’ll never know. no matter how hard i try. i’ll never know why he does it.

because, now, i dont even know why i do it.

[honeydewsadness]

my father was angry, still is. but not in a way i can be angry about anymore, because he’s just being a man. he works hard, he’s stressed.

i worked hard to keep us all afloat, the stress consumes me.

how comes im not aloud to be angry?

[honeydewsadness]

in another life, you never did that. in another life i never yelled. in another life i stayed silent.

[honeydewsadness]

for me you take up pages; words filling tear soaked paper to the brim. smudged and worn. for you, i barely have a paragraph. big, bold but short, a few words, a mere breath.