hummingbird-operandi

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Hey you lovely (mostly not but hey, we’ll include the spam bots as well) tumblr’rs!

Long time, I know. Things have been fucked intriguing trying --- they’ve just been; I find myself at the precipice of something new and with that comes another adjustment to how I present myself. 

Too Long Don’t Care? Click the link above and follow me...or don’t. #Trigger Warning below. Nothing graphic (some burn blisters #scarification under Semi-Colon), but my life kinda requires it. 

TLDR: I’m changing blogs and it’s going to have (but not be limited to) subjects like death, suicide, anxiety, depression, abuse, and other unpleasantness in the effort to broaden the discussion.

So those who know me--personally I mean--know that it is rare on a good day for me to be caught on camera; I have some pretty strong beliefs about what capturing someone’s likeness does post-mortem. Yet somehow;

I’m pretty sure the last time I was taking photos was when I took that one that’s my profile image...which was promptly after leaving the hospital for the second time around; ultimately they marked the beginning of this Los Angelean chapter. Two plus years can hardly be considered an era, yet something about the new dawn breaths fresh--hope isn’t at all the right word, (dash it from this glossary because I do not speak of such things) it is care.

Then I was Annabelle, bipolar, reclusive, smoker...

Now? Well now is both different shades of similarity and something completely new. In this new space (that from which I had come (it seems redundant, but it is not)) I have vastly expanded my understanding of my own my mind/condition. While my gender identity still plays a heavy role in it, I’ve found the term Genderfluid to be the easiest ‘title’ though in reality it’s still more complex.

3 people, 1 platform 

I’m not entirely happy with my diagnosis but until my research pans out, i’m stuck with ‘almosts’...*deep inhale*.

So at all times there are three distinct consciousnesses in my brain and at any given time ONE of them has control. The GIF above--from Pixar’s Inside Out--pretty accurately describes when I’m conflicted in Democracy mode (I’ll get to that in a moment) all three have equal control and none (one) plays nice. This is different from ‘voices’ in that direct and instantaneous control is possible (as opposed to a suggestion aspect of control); but this also differs from Multiple/Distinct Personality Disorder in that there is no loss of consciousness...so that’s nice...I guess.

See, the fun thing about the movie is that Pixar personifies emotions and portrays how that affects and controls us...sadness makes us sad, anger makes us angry, etc. This is cute, and fun--in my ‘movie’ those three are each their own being, fully loaded with all the anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear to boot. I wish I could say that one hasn’t set up the other for failure [some call this self-sabotage, I call it pettiness over an argument (the ‘I’ that is writing this currently) won back in 2007 and ‘she’ still gets bitter about...even writing this is pissing me off.

Democracy mode! That’s new. For the majority of my life it has been one in the foreground, BURYING the others; when I had finally allowed ‘her’ to speak it felt like fire coming from my throat--that I had been locked away from childhood into my mid-twenties. My gender presentation had less to do with dysphoria and more with control--she had waited almost two decades watching the other two ruin this vessel.

The GIF above is quite suitable too. None of my ‘me’s’ have names, I just am who I am--but there is a distinct (younger male) [older male] and [female]; the ages are irrelevant (as they say age is) but it’s better to differentiate them that way as opposed to (weaker male) [stronger male] because that greatly underestimates (him). To put this realistically, there’s a lot of “YOU....He...she...we...us” and  very little “well (he) said this, {she} disagrees” so narrating out my internal monologue can get a little confusing to read--I’ve lived with it (maybe think about having your siblings in your brain at all times and control over stuff...)

Where the fuck are you going with this?

I’ve learned that fascism doesn’t help anyone.

So I’ve let go (for some time now, but ultimately as well) with gender markers to differentiate when ‘she’ is me, those who know me (who quite frankly are the only ones of whom such a thing would even impact them) know how she carries myself; and she’s had to make a lot of compromises but cohesion is key. Hence--as you can see, having read thus far--the need for a re-birthing.

--------------Trigger Warning below : Scarification -----------------

Semi-Colon

Do you know about the Semicolon Project? No? What the fuck are you still doing here, nothing on this page is nearly as important as what’s HERE. [THIS LINK is a ‘TALK TO SOMEONE NOW’ page. Just one of many not nearly enough.]

It isn’t pretty...that whole night was a brutal rendition of the more poignant scene’s from Fight Club; I did quite literally punch the ever loving shit out of myself more than once. Aaaaaand this was the other outcome. I’ve long said, even though it offers me no peace:

[Self-harming] is a coping method. Is it a good one? Fuck no! But it’s strong. WAY strong. When chaos reigns over logic, when your darkness is quicker than you, when you’re so far shut down even feeling is unmanageable--it works. [S.T.O.P Techniques] {see here} are powerless to the unbridled force of ‘natural reaction’. 

I really screwed this one up--it was meant to be more art piece than self-mutilation, but this night was a bad night. It healed okay, but the damage to the structure of the shape is noticeable. Regrettably so.

My semicolon is important to me; it is a constant ((sometimes through the darkness) daily) reminder of WHY I am alive; simply seeing it often can offer me a breath of consideration.

 “It’s when an author could’ve chosen to end the sentence, but didn’t.”

So that brings me all the way back around to the beginning (of this post anyway); I grow tired of stagnation--and while the illusion of work (Fiction) was a nice distraction/stretch, I’m doing nothing but avoiding the necessity of work; nonfiction.

I’ve talked multiple times about writing more on the topic of death, the afterlife, depression, anxiety, abuse and so much more™...but rarely delivered. Another product of Annabelle’s indecision and avoidance...every time I got into something of value I’d let it rot; unchecked, unseen, uncaring.

                                 ^^^^^^^^

There’s always time to expand on all that. For now, either hit the follow button above, or don’t--this blog (Hummingbird-Operandi) is going to fall into beautiful disrepair; favoring this blog (JakFenchurch) to hideously bloom.

 Sure the image is darker, grainier, and complex; but it’s truer.

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It may be a spot of mania, or it may just be the right thing to do; either way I’m consid  strongly considering becoming a living organ donor. Part of never being able to justify my own existence in the place of another’s is that I never hesitate to give what I can. Truthfully this feels more right than most of my life decisions thus far. 

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Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.

Albert Einstein

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A writer is a person who cares what words mean, what they say, how they say it.

Ursula K. Le Guin

(via

psliterary

)

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*melts*

so this basket was the best 2.50 I ever spent look at them

FYI there are 6 rats in this basket 

Oolong, Aurora, Merida, Oleander, Hyacinth, Stitch

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Only vote every four years? FUCK YOU.

Hey this really goes for anyone out there but specifically LOS ANGELES there’s an election coming up on JUNE MOTHERFUCKING 6th for a congressional seat! It’s one of those small elections--you know, not the kind where celebrities endorse it, or where simply knowing what side of the aisle you are on suffices. There’s only one thing to vote on and you have to read.

NO MOTHER FUCKERS.

THIS is what is important. Picking the people to vote FOR US. America is a god damn republic and for fuck’s sake stop calling it a democracy. If it were then the electoral college wouldn’t determine who’s in office. IF YOU DON’T LIKE HOW THE ELECTION TURNED OUT DON’T FUCKING POINT THE FINGER AT PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T VOTE--well actually...point the finger at the people who didn’t vote at times like THIS. 

Small elections are hard for people because they require effort, opinion, research--big elections are easy because no matter where we turn SOMEONE is going to tell us how to vote. People gain apathy for these little ballots because they feel that they are inconsequential.

ESPECIALLY SO when it comes to candidates--all people really have to know about a measure is whether it’ll effect/affect them--but a candidate just needs to be in their realm of ‘goodness’ in order for a vote to be won. The assumption that a person belongs to a party equating that parties values is ludicrous.

GUESS WHAT LA? BOTH CANDIDATES ARE DEMOCRAT.

Which believe it or not actually is worse--the whole ‘as long as my party gets in’ mentality just furthers the apathy. Those who do make it to the polls could very well be just flipping a coin if they don’t know who it is they are actually electing.

Robert Lee Ahn and Jimmy Gomez (links to their respective campaign sites) both look like good choices, both have great platforms (that I personally believe in) and both are representative of a more diverse people (a true Los Angeles) so common thought says that a check in either box is good (the lesser of two goods right?) right?

But delving into the information is what we as [Democracy] loving people should be doing. You’ll find that they actually differ in many ways and depending on what YOU actually value--may be a detriment. Is net neutrality a thing for you? (if you’re on tumblr there’s a good chance yeah) well one candidate is passionate about it and the other doesn’t understand it. 

Fundamentally, politicians are still people--they are going to vote the way THEY want to vote, same as us...the only difference is THEY VOTE ON THE THINGS WE CAN’T--including but not limited who the fuck is in the oval office. 

So if you’re going to bitch bitch bitch about the state of things then think back to how many town hall meetings you’ve been to, how many small ballots you’ve cast and how often you actually read through someone’s political background, dealings, and values before considering? 

To everyone else not in Los Angeles county feel free to look up your own local elections (because they happen ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME) and insert as needed.

TL;DR- you are exactly my problem. Go back up and read, then go to the links and read, and then go fucking vote.

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The guy's face when he here's not only the Noooo, but then even more with the that's impossible

Mark Hamill Pranks Star Wars Fans with Epic Surprise for Force For Change

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Yes. yesyesyesyes YES!

Nintendo Franchises in the Ukiyo-e Style by Jed Henry

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Whatever Your Heart Desires

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Hey @blackblocberniebros you weren't too high after all!

I just remembered a story about a high-level mob boss in New York City who for years would run around at night in his neighborhood screaming delusional shit, so as to gain a reputation as psychotically ill so that when he inevitably got charged criminally in his mob activities, he had evidence he could offer that he was not guilty by reason of insanity. But it didn’t work despite some fun courtroom antics.

But now I’m high as fuck and think I might have made that whole story up and created a false memory. Can anyone corroborate this story?

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Thy mic dropeth

person of color: hey wouldn’t it be cool if angels were represented as brown or black more often–

edgy whites who went to a week of bible study 15 yrs ago and regurgitate all their Superior Knowledge from textually inaccurate all-caps tumblr posts written by supernatural fans: um…… ACTUALLY :) angels don’t look like HUMANS they look like ELDRITCH NIGHTMARES™ that MELT YOUR BRAIN OUT so stop giving them skin colors :) try a few animal heads instead :) don’t forget the eyeballs :) 

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Gonna feel even dumber when I realize that all this time he’s been talking into a bluetooth thingy and we’re not actually friends.

Who? [Explained]