i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

can my dad act like the emotionally mature 51 year old he fucking is please?! i don't have the emotional capacity to deal with his bullshit right now

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

how deep in denial do i have to be before this goes away?? please, i just want to have a normal brain, i'm so tired

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

Oh how I hate my stupid little worm infested brain

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP... I NEED MY BRAIN TO BE QUIET, I HAVE ONE GOOD THING AND IT'S RUINNG IT, I'M GOING CRAZY, I NEED TO TAKE MY BRAIN OUT

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

i'm sorry i'm so much of a fucking failure to you, that i can't do anything fucking right, that i don't have a license or perfect grades or a job... I'M FUCKING SORRY... feel free to remind me how hard you worked, that i'm not doing enough, guilt trip me about how my future plans are going to fail and i'll 'end up miserable and on welfare because none of my money is my own'... i'm sorry that I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!!

why am I being held to this impossible standard, why just me? what did i do to deserve this? why aren't i good enough, that i need to be constantly reminded of all my failures??

and i can't tell you that the last few months have been hell, that my person is the only thing getting me through, keeping me sane, because that's not good enough, i'm not sick, i'm not CRAZY, i can't be because then i'd have an excuse...

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

(ss because i feel bad piggybacking off of someone else's vent) but i think that i should be put on live broadcast, have every bad thought i've ever had read out loud and then the people vote on how to execute me (i'm a bad bad person)

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

i don't feel real, i don't know who or where i am... i'm a corpse with all the memories of my previous owner... i need to die, the voice it tells me that its best if i kill myself

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

5 hours screen time which means I’ve spent approx 14 hrs asleep or close to it today (yippie kms)

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

you can tell it’s a really bad flare up when the poweraid gets brought into it

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

i lied gang i am actually feeling something!! PAIN, SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN (fml)

(also i think i'm numb to prevent from a total morality spirral cause its seeping through the cracks) (i'm so so fine though don't even worry about me)

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

the kinda cold where i'm numb to the bone (i feel like a corpse rn)

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

anyone elses intrusive thoughts make them want to sob on the floor and scream bloody murder and beg for help, or it to stop?? (can't do that so i bite my hands instead, maybe then it'll stop)

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

i hate when i google a silly little (very distressing) thought and google once again tells me it's OCD....

totally unrelated..... FALSE MEMORIES?! I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME YOU EVIL EVIL PIECE OF SHIT!!

:3

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

eating a whole tin of sweet corn and fully dissociating for dinner

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

having trauma is so odd because a lot of my 'funny' memories are either really violent or really neglectful but i struggle to find what is wrong with it... like yeah i know that being hit is bad and wrong but the context was so normal and funny.. right... right??

(it was not)

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

were you ever good? surely you were, why can i only remember so few times?

[i-shall-sleep-for-my-forever]

it's that time of night where all i can do is think about EDS and wish i had literally any other body... because yeah it's cool, high metabolism, bendy joints, cool party tricks... except i feel like i'm about to have a heart attack and my shoulders ache and nothing is helping

(i think i'm in a flair up)