iamf-i-n-e

[iamf-i-n-e]

Saw this on instagram and it really made me think of shit from a different perspective.

[iamf-i-n-e]

Sometimes...

I am the darkness and sometimes I am the light.

I know that to be true. I know that is a fact. I just need my heart to learn that too.

It feels awful to be the darkness. So awful it's like I'm obessessed with NOT being the darkness... and then I become it anyway.

I can't remember the last time I felt like the light. Well, I guess I can, but if I became the darkness right after, does that even count?

It does count though... it's about duality. It usually is...

I'd like to commit, today, to just being. Myself. Not (trying) to be either way. Just being whoever I am...

[iamf-i-n-e]

When you fall in love...

Is that something you decide to do?

Is it like "Okay, yes. I am going to fall in love with this person."

Or maybe more like "Okay, yes. I am going to ALLOW myself to fall in love with this person."

Either way... how does it go?

I find myself thinking about her like "I could for sure participate in this." And I'm wondering if that's strange of me. Or maybe it's the 'tism talking. Or maybe it's that I am able to fall in love with so many different kinds of people.

I'm not sure...

But I thought this with him too. I remember just always knowing that he was someone I could love. I remember wanting to experience that with him. That was my hope for our connection.

So maybe thaaaat's what it is... my hope for the connection. Is it okay to hope for love from a person? Is that organic? Is love even (organic) like that these days?

[iamf-i-n-e]

Love is...

Such a beautiful thing. And as I break all these cycles for myself, I hope to fill my life with the truest and most genuine forms of love. I hope to find family and friendship and romance. I hope to find my joy. I can feel it manifesting. It is coming. It is already here.

[iamf-i-n-e]

Tired of being a sad sack of shit. Everyone else is always moving on while I’m stuck in the rear view trying to pick up the pieces and gather myself…

[iamf-i-n-e]

I deleted his number...

I deleted his number and all of our texts and everything... 

I deleted it all and I put the rest of our memories in a box that lives on the top shelf of my closet... 

Unfortunately though I cannot delete him from my heart... 

I miss him so much it makes me feel sick sometimes. 

Like I'm dizzy or I'm nauseous. 

Like there is a 555lb weight in my stomach. 

And even when I think about all the ways he hurt me 

And all the ways I hurt him

The image of your face and your eyes and your smile, 

it is never distorted in my brain. 

I still see that sweet and sensitive and loving man I gave my heart to... 

Sometimes I wish I didn't though. 

I wish I could find some kind of hatred in my heart for him

Something to fuel me forward, 

Something to help me heal... 

Hatred, like neosporin 

I could apply it to all my wounds 3X a day and they would heal quickly with minimal scarring... 

But honestly, all I have in my heart is love for him 

And even though love is supposed to be the biggest and greatest and most magical thing 

I can't get it to make me feel better.......

It really just makes me hate myself. 

For letting things get so bad. 

For not knowing how to fix them. 

For hurting him

For anything and everything that brought us here today... 

That brought us here - to nowhere. 

I don't know if our love means anything to him now... 

I just assume our whole relationship has been written off in his mind

And when he tells people about our love 

He'll just say that I used and abused him... 

That's not what it was for me though

Not that it really matters now... 

I will always cherish the time we spent together

Even if those first few months are the only ones that count 

And if I could go back in time, 

To relive it all again, 

I think I might... even the bad

Just to look into his eyes again. 

Just to kiss him again. 

Just to feel his scruffy beard in the palm of my hand again... 

I hold onto our memories so tightly

Because sometimes I'm not sure if they are real or not... 

Did I really feel all this love and all this pain in the span of these few months? 

Is that even possible? 

All I have now are the pictures I've hidden on my laptop to remind me that he used to smile for me. 

It will be years from now and I will still miss him

And I will still love him 

And I will still hope for him... 

It will be years from now and I will still question the stars 

And I will still be asking God, consulting Spirit, pulling the cards 

To try and figure out how and why I lost a love like ours... 

I am so sorry to him. I will forever be so sorry. 

[iamf-i-n-e]

[iamf-i-n-e]

Hello, old friend.

When I was a kid, tumblr was my safest space. I was able to express myself and sort through my thoughts without any bullshit from family or friends or whomever. Just me and my feelings and all the randoms of the internet. Then one day, my girlfriend's mom found my page and exposed me to my mom. I was forced to deactivate my account. Over the years, that happened a few times. Then new social media apps were created and I just never made my way back to this space...

I find myself here again because I'm desperate for that safe space again. Desperate for a space where I can be myself, a space where I can see myself. And because I grew up in the 2000s, I need the satisfaction of posting my feelings online to feel validated (LOL). Even if no one is looking...

But I hope you are looking. I hope you are reading. I hope you stick around. I hope you find yourself in my words. I hope you realize you aren't alone. And then you can hit me up and let me know I'm not alone either, HA!