iamnotasmartbot

[iamnotasmartbot]

Widowmaker must get sick a lot, I wonder if it’s taken into consideration when she’s sent to murder people.

Hanzo’s bow is wrong, it’s a work of Modern Bullshit inc. a company who specializes in redoing things that already work just fine in a way that doesn’t work at all. Like pre-tied shoelaces, or Modern Art.

Zenyatta moves into a “Higher Plane” or whatever during Transcendence right? Then why is anybody capable of reasoning hate for omnics when they can literally just leave this plane. “Oh what’s that? Omnics have no souls you say... Well if we don’t have souls we have something better” *Peaces the Fuck Out* “Ever seen a soul do this shit? Didn’t think so. I’m gonna go get a bagel *Floats away* later.”

[iamnotasmartbot]

Orissa’s midriff is so small that it’s legs would bang together if they got used for anything other than tiptoeing baby-steps.

Orissa’s face looks like an orange with two bananas attached. “Part of this complete breakfast!”

Orissa’s horns look like elf shoes.

Are Bastion and Orissa left or right-handed?

Having an irremovable gun as a hand must be really inconvenient, what do you do when you go golfing, or bowling, or you wanted to cut a steak?

[iamnotasmartbot]

Powerful regeneration, constant pain, magical bags of infinite holding... Reaper is just a less fun Deadpool. The only thing missing that hasn’t been explicitly stated is if he’s romantically involved with Death or not... wait a second...

How does Ana snipe anything without depth perception? Especially considering that her weapon of choice prominently features a slow-ass projectile.

When D.va waves she shakes a fully automatic shotgun that fires some fusion-energy-radiation-bullshit... Last time I checked waving extremely-deadly weaponry at your friends was frowned upon by everyone else in the room.

Is Bastion the only bastion to Bastion?

Why is this game obsessed with counterweights, almost every gun has them. 

[iamnotasmartbot]

Who cleans Genji’s robotic bits? I doubt he could reach everywhere himself.

Pharah doesn’t use her rocket boost to melt people’s faces.

At any moment I’m expecting Reaper and Soldier: 76 to turn to camera and say “Winners don’t do drugs!”, mostly because nobody wins and everybody’s doing drugs.

Winston is outsmarted by whomever made Pharah’s jet pack, it’s a straight upgrade!

What if someone insulted Mei? Would she start spewing water instead of ice until she got over the sick burns?

[iamnotasmartbot]

If you hit the button on Reinhardt’s chest enough, his head pops off.

Winston should be careful using his jump pack as a chair, at any moment it could fly away, with or without him.

If Zenyatta and Symmetra shared an apartment you’d have a heartfelt sitcom about the meaning of life.

If Ana’s habit of brutally murdering her enemies after forcing them asleep is any indicator then I can understand why Overwatch was shut down.

Zenyatta doesn’t speak of the futility of resistance when on fire.

[iamnotasmartbot]

Why doesn’t Symmetra just create a giant hamster ball for herself to roll around in, impervious to bullets?

McCree doesn’t hold a musical pocket watch during High Noon. Then again we all already know what time it is.

Reaper’s guns seem like one of those toys from a cracker jack box, one use before they’re spent.

Widowmaker shouldn’t have used that gun, she was warned that she’d shoot an eye out.

You know Zenyatta makes a living rigging fights.

[iamnotasmartbot]

Torbjorn is basically lugging around an active forge but is frozen just as fast as everyone else.

When two Roadhogs hook each other they don’t ballet into the stratosphere.

Zarya’s bubble absorbs the impact from being slammed against a wall by a Giant German in Armor but doesn’t prevent him from pinning in the first place.

Symmetra doesn’t just give her gun to Tracer; sit back and listen to the screams as the apocalypse begins.

Junkrat has an in-flight guidance system.

[iamnotasmartbot]

If you loaded Roadhog’s gun with duct tape you would have an unstoppable force.

So if you light yourself on fire then anything you’ve built becomes stronger?

Where do the parts for Bastion’s tank form come from? They seem to materialize from an alternate dimension where transformers rule the Earth.

After Reaper’s Ultimate he should be running into walls and falling over; no way he wouldn’t get dizzy.

Winston can jump, McCree can roll, Coldier can run... why are these guys basically superheroes again?

[iamnotasmartbot]

Widowmaker can only activate her X-ray visor after damaging people, does the visor feed on the blood of it’s enemies?

Junkrat’s tire should be physically incapable of turning, but it keeps on truckin’.

Sombra should be much more careful with her invisibility, the ringwraiths already have her scent.

So in order to reach Transcendence you have to hit enough people with your Balls/Nuts?

If Ana could work on the duration of her Nano Boost she could make a lot of money selling night lights.

[iamnotasmartbot]

Hanzo uses a recurve bow instead of a compound bow like a dumbass.

Reaper doesn’t discard his empty shotguns into his enemies’ faces.

Has anyone in the Overwatch cast gone to college?

So a woodpecker sends Bastion into a frenzy but actual gunfire doesn’t bother him?

Why doesn’t Hanzo use a Scatter Arrow when firing his magic spirit dragon?

[iamnotasmartbot]

If you can make music that heals wounds and makes people move faster, why don’t you make music that puts people to sleep, or gives them A.I.D.S.?

Where do Reaper, Widowmaker, and Sombra live; company housing? Is it like a college dorm, complete with stupid pranks and no one washing the dishes?

Genji needs the help of a magic spirit dragon to make a sword deadly.

Hanzo apparently has the hearing of a whale, how else would sonic pulses reveal the locations of enemies.

Hanzo is like Hawkeye, except in Overwatch there’s the option to swap him for someone else.

[iamnotasmartbot]

Despite finding a massive treasure Junkrat still hasn’t gotten new clothes.

McCree only has 1 cigar, he’ll get his money’s worth goddamnit!

The momentum of the liquid in Mei’s tank doesn’t cause her to fall over.

Mercy seems to conveniently forget the Hippocratic Oath whenever her Ultimate is ready.

In a race wouldn’t Lucio’s speed boost effect all participants? Would it be banned as a performance enhancing drug?

[iamnotasmartbot]

Junkrat doesn’t wear a shirt because no stores will let him in because he doesn’t wear a shirt.

Roadhog doesn’t say “Are you my mummy?”.

Tracer doesn’t quote Independence Day when she throws her Pulse Bomb. Or at the very least not on the right Highway.

Tracer wears sunglasses at night.

Mei doesn’t have extreme back problems from lugging around a giant tank of liquid all day.

[iamnotasmartbot]

A l33t hack3r relies on their throwing skills.

McCree probably just got his robot arm so he wouldn’t need to carry a phone with him.

McCree doesn’t have a Woody skin.

Pharah doesn’t reference Buzz Lightyear hard enough.

No one calls Symmetra’s shield generator a “Force-Field Dog”.

[iamnotasmartbot]

Of course Genji feels out of place, he’s basically streaking wherever he goes.

Reaper hasn’t gotten rich off of selling shotguns.

So where does the water Mei’s ice is made of go when it melts? Because I’m pretty sure there’d be enough water in here wall alone to make everyone break out the swimsuits.

Body armor and shielding somehow helps protect you against poison gas.

Torbjorn can drink molten metal but is still affected by poison gas.

[iamnotasmartbot]

Progress Report

It’s just dawning on me how many of these dumbass jokes I wrote back in the day.... fucking hell.

[iamnotasmartbot]

Mei doesn’t have an Avatar skin. Mei and Zenyatta don’t make any Avatar jokes. Despite flash-freezing herself in a block of ice Mei’s hair remains perfect. The only person I can think of Widowmaker widowing is herself, which is a bit self-absorbed to name youself after. Does Zenyatta ever wash his pants? What do his legs look like?