iamtryyyyyaaaang

[iamtryyyyyaaaang]

went to the park today, as I do, every day that I can.

it's a big neighborhood park and it has a generally friendly atmosphere, people wave, talk about the weather, their dog, the like. the quintessential suburban park.

don't mind talking to others, in fact I quite enjoy the interaction. I had my dog out playing fetch. some guy let their dogs off leash to play with mine. fine, whatever, nobody's getting hurt. largely normal interaction until this guy sees the cane. starts to panic, calling his dogs over. apologizes and leaves quickly, and to make it less awkward I say I have to leave too. this guy watches me, waiting. waiting. and uhm, waiting! for me to get up and walk back to my car. I feel kind of ridiculous right now walking, I don't like walking in front of others. my guy walked halfway into the field and watched and waited, as if I couldn't see him standing there. 5 minutes. he stood there and waited for 5 minutes.

i am quite entertaining, i gotta give it to him.

[iamtryyyyyaaaang]

little dark age

sittin in the library

lookin out the window

airpods in, listening to little dark age by MGMT (a banger, as we all know)

and I was strangely touched by that song. i usually don't listen listen to music, just like to headbang to it. we find the messages we wish to hear at the moments we need them most and fit them into our lives where needed, like some sort of spiritual kintsugi.

"I know that if you hide, it doesn't go away”

and it doesn't.

applies to a lot in my life. it doesn't go away if I hide.

pain, anxieties, responsibilities, filling my car up, the like.

also: dog.

[iamtryyyyyaaaang]

11/19/2021- my favorite coworker

quickie context: a baddie with hsd and tryin :,)

I work retail. we’re hiring seasonals and I have been bestowed the honor of training them. I trained them all and was left with one. I was pretty impartial towards this girl, didn’t seem like someone I would see at a social event and go talk to. has a lost puppy dog demeanor and seems insecure, except for her insensitive streak, bordering on all sorts of -ist. goes to my college but we don’t run in the same social circles and we just don't jive on a friend level.

first shift together was okay for the first hour, then it got personal, like way too personal for me. asking things that I don't even disclose to those closest to me. after that, she complained that I was pushing her away and was being super duper mean :,(((. it was constant questioning about why I was walking weird and what was wrong with me. she has seen me around campus with Veronica (my cane) and now that I was in a dead mall store with her, she decided it was prime time to drill me about it. I keep on redirecting the conversation, and thirty minutes into this prying, I explicitly ask her to stop asking me about it because I don't want to talk about it, things are just a little sideways okay? nunya, go and fold some jeans or color grade the socks.

after that little spat, I get called back to sign some things for shipment. this week was all sorts of flare-up bad, but I still have not disclosed even feeling bad, let alone being disabled to the general manager, and I don’t plan to. right now, my left foot has decided to turn inwards to compensate for my painful hips and angry right knee. I occasionally hit the top of my left foot because I can’t lift my foot high enough and trip sometimes. I don’t use anything at work but y’know, supporting myself on the register, copious amounts of ibuprofen, and hopes and prayers. I can get around okay for about 30 minutes before it becomes more apparent, (limping, buckling, shaking, weight shifting, the “oh sh*t” face, the like). I don't use Veronica at work because I don't want to affect my sales and don't feel like dealing with it, from either coworkers or customers. it had been three hours when I went back, so ya girl was rockin', poppin', lockin', and just trying. this girl had taken it upon herself to mimic my walk, like doug and kerry from ER style with another associate as soon as I walked to the back.

the audacity!

the gall! ohfrfrfr mmokay.

the thought alone!

came back and got onto the store floor and pulled up a stool and watched them, they did not notice for a straight minute. imitating my voice (that’s fine, I think its annoying too), my tremors (which, admittedly, I am still a bit self-conscious about), and my walk, and y'know, throws out a couple derogatory terms. the other associate notices me and freaks out, and lets her know to cut it out. I like joking about it, it makes me feel better, I feel as if I need control over the joke. I can make the joke, you can’t hon!

I tell her that it was a good beginner impression, but she didn’t snap her knees back far enough and didn’t pigeon-toe enough to fuck up the tops of her shoes.

white as a sheet. was it mean? sure (nah not really), but play stupid games, win stupid prizes. decides to try to justify her actions and tells me that it was all a joke. which it was a joke, at someone's expense, and probably done maliciously.

okay pop off kaween yas start that comedy career purr

so will i need a new job soon? yeah. it's fine though. i love people!

OH and she uhm asked for a permanent position. and got it :)