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icantexpresshowmuchidc · 9 years ago

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Just an old thing I wrote a couple of years ago...

y'know.. someone once said 'Life and death are illusions. We are in a constant state of transformation.' Then I wonder why do we bother? You don't get to choose to either live or die, you don't get an expiration date or any operating instructions, you just go and guess million guesses a day hoping the consequences wouldn't hurt more than knowing you could try something but you didn't, and then ten years later a complete stranger, who is actually you, is judging you for that single choice you made. You don't often think of that person and how you could hurt him but you do. You do hurt that complete stranger by giving that flower to the wrong girl or writing the wrong letter to someone you once loved. And now, you look back at another stranger who slept in your own bed yesterday after he made every possible mistake and you judge him, because he hurt you once again. Mom and dad always teach you not to hurt other people and you keep thinking you're good, you hurt nobody but... that smoke in your lungs hurt the stranger, and you don't even think about it. So why? why do we keep swimming and pushing back all those strangers we used to be just to get to the finish line and drown? just to watch all we used to be sinking down with us ? I wonder, when I sink down, will I meet all the strangers I used to be? Would I get a chance to apologize to every single one of them for the smoke and the drink and the hug I stole? I probably won't so.. it's my time to say goodbye and apologize to all the strangers I was and those I could be; I'm sorry I didn't throw that ball. I'm sorry I didn't sing that song because those freaks wouldn't get it. I'm sorry I hated you so much for not being me. I'm sorry I didn't protect you when I should have. I'm sorry I took your chance to hug the person. I'm sorry I shut your mouth when you wanted to scream out for help, only fearing people wouldn't help. In fact, I'm sorry I didn't help you. I met so many people in my shortest life and I didn't get the chance to thank them, for the polite grins, the fake hugs, for the moment they held the door for me, for not judging me when I was judging them for all of my mistakes. Every single stranger was a part of me, and now I let them go, I say goodbye to the past and.. sink with them. I wouldn't want to get to the finish line all alone knowing I had so many chances to find the one I want to sink with. So I sink with them all. Is it now my time to wake up and admit I was wrong? Is it my chance to say the truth? You never got the chance to say the truth, you sit every day on the same chair listening to those liars, saying they're happy, they're miserable and then they're happy all over again. I won't lie, I want to say it out loud, I want to stop swimming, I want to sink in and let the water drag me away. But how would I do that? /Why/ would I do that? That 16 years old stranger I could help is the one keeping me swimming, for the night he peeled the fabric off her delicate skin and revealed every one of her flaws. He did not love them, he used them against her and for that he became every single one of her fears. She wanted to scream out loud, I would scream out loud, but when the touch of a person feels like a knife through your skin, you can't help but die at that moment. And right before you're reborn with all the hate to the stranger you were few moments ago, you just stare at the bright white ceiling through your tears and meet all the strangers you were. Then you know, it's not you lying there paralyzed, it's just another stranger you could help but you wouldn't because your body betrays you. I could see him wasn't only peeling the fabric, he ripped her soul and crushed her hopes to million pieces in his sperm. He moans and her heart screams for help. He grins and she sees her nights turning from the warmth of her blanket filling up with tears wetting all the dreams she could dream that night. So now I get to sit on this chair in front of your fucking poker face and all I want is to rip your head off to see the strangers you used to be, to see all those you them your life. We sit here when all the strangers we were are stuck in the middle trying to drag us down. Will I let them drag me or.. just push them down? It would be selfish to let them drown, but it also would be selfish to drown with them and kill all the strangers I could be. I wish I could just get off this universe just for a minute to breathe, once, and know the finish line isn't always bad. Don't get me wrong, I do not fear of drowning, tho I do fear of heights, just because I do not know them. Today is a good day, I did not fight a single bit, I floated for the first time, I got to look at the heights I fear of so much and wondered what would it be like to touch these stars, just like they are, glowing up by the enormous moon who only wants to hide in the darkness. Do you ever feel like the moon? You are the moon, you sit in the spotlight hearing all the stars without a chance to turn around and enjoy the sweetest darkness of your own. What does the spotlight feel like? How do you do that? Listen to those lies and then give another prescription to a dubious pill you wish you could stop swallowing every morning before sinking in that chair where you lose yourself in the poker face you can't even wash off. DO YOU HAVE ANY FEELINGS?! DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR THE 16 YEARS OLD GIRL WHO LOST HERSELF IN THE SPERM DRYING ON THAT MATTRESS?! It's your job to hold her up but you let her dry in the mattress! For the love of god, drag her out! This pill keeps choking her throat and all that she could be by the end of that day. I feel sorry for her, I wouldn't want to swallow another pill that could put me back in that moment, I don't want to. But I keep taking that pill, and I keep crying on those sheets, and I keep losing every one of those strangers every time I allow myself to love the one who would never get to know them. I don't want the pill, I want to feel this love, I want to believe in that love and burn in hell that contrast. I want to control the bar and not let it get to the edge. I want control, I want to know, I want to hear and see and smell every one of those strangers we used to be before the pills burned all that we used to be, or I wish I could be the flame burning the ones I love and hate wish I had known. This day probably could be better, I wouldn't want it be. I met some of the strangers I used to be, last night they dragged me down but then the alarm clock went off and I found myself late for this session. This session is my chance to float and enjoy my best friends, the stars on their big stage dancing around just for me. One day the bar will get to its end and I will say goodbye to the stars. Without even thanking them for all they were to me. And that day? I will be the flame burning your flesh and the ones I loved hated and wished I could burn. Today all I can be is another wave, chasing that other wave, and another wave, hoping tonight I won't drown.

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icantexpresshowmuchidc · 9 years ago

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What happens after you die?

What happens after you die? Do you see some bright light and.. go up to heaven? Do you find a new body to live in? Are you born again on some other planet? Tell me one of those stories so I won't have to admit you just cease to exist.. It's impossible everything you ever were just leaves a tiny mark the size of your smile in the minds of all those who once loved you.. because some day they die too... and in no time there won't a single person to tell about the great person you were. No one will talk about that funny drawing you drew when you were five and all you wanted was to meet Superman himself so you drew yourself flying around with him. And no one will talk about the multiple green notebooks you left lying around your bedroom full of lies written in blue ink, all the loves and hates and disappointments you documented, for what? For nothing! Because no one will see them and even if anybody does, they won't know what are you talking about because they never felt the way you felt the day she kissed you in the dark hall of the huge cinema. And they never felt the way she did, that morning she woke up in the bed you used to share but all she saw was a little note saying 'I'm sorry'. She didn't know and they wouldn't know that you actually were sorry for all the lies you had to tell when you couldn't admit you just don't love her anymore because god damn it you got that golden ring on your finger that makes you love her forever, with every breath you take. But you were still breathing and you didn't love her anymore. Now all that's left in the drawer beside your bed is the divorce papers you had to sign so you wouldn't feel guilty when you masturbated thinking of her best friend. Your best friend, your ex wife, your younger sister, your mother, your father, your little son.. they will cease to exist in no time.. and with them, the memory of you will die. No one will talk about the great things you did or the lies you told.. or the hearts you broke trying to fix your own.. It will all die with them. The old printed pictures of your smile will burn because some idiot never noticed them in the old boxes so he threw everything away. Your body will rot in the ground and in few centuries someone will dig there hoping to find some gold but all he will find is your bones.. and he wouldn't find them interesting because damn it's a cemetery.. there are so many bones around here.. so they will move and move and be tossed in the ocean and no one will find them again. And there, in some shark's belly, is your old bones with no story and no memory. And nothing of what you were, is left in this world. You're just a tiny piece someone dropped and never bothered to pick up. So you're gone. And nothing happens after you die.. You just stop breathing.. and the memory of you fades. And that's it. There is no heaven.. is there? it must be empty if it even exists.. who would get this far? Who gets to check if it's real ? No one. It's all a lie some idiot told ages ago and his body is.. in some shark's belly even though that shark is already dead by now. But that idiot's lie is remembered, while no one could tell who is that idiot who made this word up and how high he was when he said heaven exists.

#death #mine #heaven #solo #rip

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icantexpresshowmuchidc · 9 years ago

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