icos-t

[icos-t]

Something I'm kinda struggling with is remembering that even though we don't talk as much as we used to, we're still friends.

But then I wonder; are they avoiding me?

Do they not like talking to me?

Did they forgot to talk to me / am I just that forgettable?

Did they meet someone new to replace me?

Are they just busy?

Thing is, I likely won't find out until I send something their way. I don't feel like it, because who wants to admit they've been indulging in intrusive thoughts too much?

[icos-t]

I barely did anything today and the day is already practically over...

Time is slipping away from me and I don't like it

[icos-t]

Do they really want to talk to me?

Or do they secretly hate me?

We'll likely never know for sure

[icos-t]

Starting pride month strong with some gender dysphoria, a dashing of longing, and stomach issues at 5 am.

Yay...

[icos-t]

I've been brushing my teeth more often and more thoroughly lately. At least the pain I get from eating sweet things has been lessened.

If you are reading this, this is the sign that you need to go brush your teeth

[icos-t]

So, some people are talking to me, somehow.

On noobly (Which I shall dub Nooble) I seemed to have made a friend(?) Not entirely sure if they want to be that or just want to chat, but the company is welcome

I also just randomly sent someone from school a message after I found Harry Potter x Hell's Kitchen fic where Gordon Ramsey was one of the potions teachers. I remembered that she likes fanfics and told her about it.

Had an unexpectedly pleasant conversation

Dunno if the curse will prevail, but in any case, it's nice to have company with reasonably like minded individuals

[icos-t]

Lately I have been in a bit of a downward spiral. I have no motivation for work, play or exercise.

It seems that every time I think I might have a new friend, something goes wrong. I've had a few online friends before, but S was the second one that lasted about a year. Maybe even the closest to a year. I don't regret talking to anyone. I enjoyed the company and fun times. But I've reached the point where I started wondering what it says about me if I'm either so incompatible that it always ends in an explosion, or they just simply forget about me one day and don't think to respond.

The one question for pretty much everything is why.

Why does it always end with a disagreement?

Why do they just forget about me one day?

Why do they just stop?

Why is this becoming a pattern?

I just want to make/do silly things that make me and others happy with some good company from some good people.

Why does that keep slipping away from me every single time?

[icos-t]

You know, I am starting to think I should just break away from that "friend" of mine.

I can't even have a normal conversation with him anymore. It feels like he's constantly trying to pull and push me into directions I do not want to go in.

He knows it makes me uncomfortable to talk about "not safe for work" stuff, and yet he keeps bringing it up over and over.

I'll admit it, I have an AD twitter, and I'd ideally like to keep that part of my life separate from the bubblegum and sunshine I wear in front of people. I don't like showing that side of me to the outside world, mainly because I like having control over how others see me. And if someone see me for something that I don't really feel that I am, it creates a painful dissonance that makes me want to crawl up into a ball and die.

But, if I have to block you in order to stop you from making me uncomfortable with my own tweets, I really don't know if I can continue to stay in a conversation with you.

It sounds kimda creepy when it's phrased like that.. but I think that's how most humans are

It is nice to have someone there to talk to. But when it comes at the expense of souring the mood and vibe, I just can't.

It's a constant fight, because he feels like I owe him something. I owe him nothing. At this point, I'm not even comfortable with the idea of owing him anything seeing how he's acting in his "stone age dreams".

What even is that? Mindlessly bending to every primitive desire as the drugs fry your braincells? Like a child throwing a tantrum about not getting what they want? There's only so many tantrums one can handle before you snap.

In that 7 day break, I was more productive than I had been in a while. I did get a little tired of it, but apart from the loneliness and desire to interact, I can't say that much changed in that time.

Maybe I am just doomed to fall into toxic cycles over and over again. Maybe, maybe not. I hate that humans feel lonely

Well folks, that's been icos therapy! We jow return to your regularly scheduled tumblr shenanigans!

[icos-t]

My body woke me up today at 1:28 AM.

Why?

Is it the trauma? No.

Is it stress? Maybe.

Is it the impending doom of this new commission? No...

Is it the heartburn? Ooooooohhhh mama yes i wanna puke so badly....

[icos-t]

I don't know whether this is applicable to me or not...

sometimes i stalk fancy bakery instagram and

[icos-t]

Friend Break Up - 4 the finale

7 May 2023

Yesterday wasn't a very good day for me. I did some exercise for the first time in a while, but it felt like I just couldn't do anything right.

I felt frustrated and sad the whole day for some reason. I don't know if the exercise made it worse or better.

I woke up at 3 am today because of a nightmare. Typical end of the world stuff. Meteorite or asteroid came to earth without warning, all that stuff.

My parents were driving home from vacation with me and my aunt when we saw it coming down... we almost made it home when I started to notice what was happening... radiation poisoning was slowly killing my neurons, causing their faces to warp and distort in unnatural and disturbing ways... colours were no longer working how they should... it was getting hotter, and we were slowly being cooked by the heat from the collision...

It felt so real... the pain, the smells, the burning

why am i even describing this

yesterday was the end of the week long break I took from my "friend".

I don't know how to talk to him anymore. After not having contact for days, suddenly being bombarded by messages again just fills me with dread for some reason.

I don't know anymore...

Self diagnosis:

Why nightmare? Stress, discomfort, or dread.

Why stress, discomfort or dread? Failure, longing, or lingering dread.

Failure? Not as likely, but could be a contributing factor. Failure to complete tasks or life goals or expected goals perhaps.

Longing? Could be a lack of social interaction, or lack of interaction with parents.

Lingering dread? Could be because of the friend being a presence again, or could be an angst generated from sibling issues and invasion of personal space, or a combination of the two.

Conclusion: TBD

[icos-t]

Friend Break Up - 3

4 May 2023

I don't really like screaming into the void. But it seems that is what I have resorted to as of late. I have been regularly posting updates as to how my writing project has been going (to minimal fanfare) which is alright, I'm not trying to get famous from doing this, but I had hoped at least one member of the writing community would see this and offer some kind of encouragement or interest in the project. Ai ya yai...

oh well, I'm not doing this for the people anyway. I'm doing this for me. I guess I am trying to prove to myself that I can do something original for once in my life, but at this point, I just feel like a robot. Don't gete wrong, I like how much progress I've made with the story, but I don't think I'm happy about the way I'm going about it. At least this project is helping me slow down my own relative time bubble, at least a little bit.

I also suppose that me shouting at the void is basically just me trying to get some kind of attention. The lack of communication with anyone with whom I can share stuff with might be getting to me, but I might just not be able to notice it fully right now, but I do notice the small things, like the desire to show someone stuff and ask what they think.

I don't know how to properly make friends it seems. I always tend to get someone that isn't fully compatible with me, or someone I think is compatible with me wnds up just disappearing and doesn't talk to me anymore.

Am I really that bad of a friend? That I either bore people away or don't do enough to keep them there?

Why can't I seem to make friends that last? Are people that are compatible with me really that rare??? I guess that is one of the things I won't be able to find out.

Yayyyyy forever loneliness!

But no, some parts of this reasoning is unhealthy. A healthy conversation shouldn't feel like you constantly need to entertain others. There should ideally be an equilibrium where both individuals can talk but not bore or overwhelm each other, but I have no idea how to reach that equilibrium.

Idk

There are days where I'm just too many people at once. I can be the creepy one in the corner, the electro dancer in the middle of the dancefloor, the reserved one sitting in front of the tv, the geeky one talking about technology and software, the artistic one talking about how this and that makes me feel, and ughhhhhhh

There's no doubt that I am have ADHD. Could you imagine how mentally I'd be if I didn't have it?

And omfg why do I want ice cream so badly????

Why do my insides need to be so needy???

But yeah.. that's it, that's the ramble

Anyway, thanks for reading. Toodaloo, I need sleep, tomorrow is a long day to and from the doctor

[icos-t]

Friend Break Up - 2

1 May 2023

So, for some reason, yesterday, I decided to take up the task of rewriting the little mermaid into something else. I have no idea whether or not I'm cut out for the task, but I guess this fits pretty well into my participation of Mermay.

It's not a simple reïmagining either. It's a total rewrite. It takes some inspiration from the Disney adaptation, but I found quite a lot of "yikes" moments while rewatching it yesterday.

No spoilers, but I want to make it pretty gay.

I read ~60k words today. No writing, but a lot of reading. I just can't help it! These fanfic authors are just too good! I can't stop myself when I start! But I always get sad when it eventually ends... I wish it didn't... but I am pretty proud for reading almost 2 times the length of a Harry Potter book in the span of less than a month, so that is something

So far, it seems my break up with my friend has caused me to have a lot more adhd tendencies, like cleaning the room, doing things I usually don't do. I'm either filling a void that wasn't there before, or I cut the rope holding me to the anker. Either way, I don't feel the urge to talk as much as I used to a day or two ago, but there's still an emptiness I feel in that regard. Sad. Weeeeeeeeeee

[icos-t]

Does this seem like a healthy selection of music to you?

[icos-t]

Friend Break Up - 1

29 April 2023

So, today I told my friend we need to take a break because things weren't working and he couldn't get over me not wanting an intimate relationship with him.

He was the only person I've been talking to for almost a year, and since the cutt off that became a lot more apparent.

So I thought "why not document this downward spiral on the app that you've been enjoying more recently?" So, here is how I'm becoming more emotionally unstable by the minute 🙃

This situation is partially a habit disruption. Without the knowledge of someone being there, I have lingering habits consisting of looking for notifications and replies to my messages to schedule answering them after my current activity or a little later.

My ADHD wants me to desperately focus on something, and without the constant reminder that I have something to do after my current activity, replying to the messages from my friend, I am growing more anxious as I get more and more overwhelmed by what I could do to keep busy as I have no idea what task should be done next. Not particularly healthy.

Much like with substance withdrawal, I am currently feeling the need to have contact with someone, and so my head constantly drifts towards apps for making friends and social media. But as I've learned from experience, it isn't healthy to use those apps. In the first act of my downward spiral I have resorted to talking to someone that has mostly removed themselves from my daily life, which I'm guessing isn't healthy for either of us seeing as I'm not sure whether or not they enjoy my company and me suddenly being part of their life again.

Oh yeah, did I mention that the ear ringing got louder somehow?

So yeah, now I have quite a bit more... free time? Which I have no idea how to use. But knowing me, it will probably be poorly utilised. Time spent enjoying something is better than time spent doing nothing. But I can't particularly say I enjoy doom scrolling through YouTube shorts.

This blog is a bit like a diary as well as a way that I'd like to try and do my own therapy for a bit. Just wanted to make that clear for if or when I choose to continue doing this sort of thing. My internals are a mess and I need to try and do something, so this might as well be my outlet.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I have no idea why you would though