illerfish

[illerfish]

yeah golden retreiver boyfriends are great and I've met several personally, but personally I have a house cat boyfriend

extremely affectionate despite of seeming aloof and politely distant to unfamiliar people

my friends have seen him irl less than 5 times in the five years I've had him - if I invited people over he would hide under furniture until they're gone

haha you got up from your work desk, time for unskippable 35 minutes of kisses and cuddles

can and will throw up out of sheer anxiety because Things And Events Are Happening that do not even involve him in any way

can instinctively sense exactly when I am going to decide I'm done bedrotting and will climb on top of me to cuddle exactly 3 minutes before I was just about to get up

can be placed sideways on any soft surface at any time of the day and immediately takes a five hour nap

cannot eat or drink in unfamilair places. can and will go 16 hours without food or water if the situation is uncomfy.

unhelpful but valiant efforts to try to protect and rescue you from things and situations that he would personally hate being in, out of not understanding of Why Are You In There Voluntarily

will come show me incomprehensible memes the same way a cat will bring you a random bug. thank you. I do not understand it but I know you brought it to me because you love me.

[illerfish]

Is he "female socialized" or is he just a standard flamboyant sensitive artsy gay dude who would honestly be indiscernible from any other fem gay guy if you didn't see him as a walking vagina first and foremost.

[illerfish]

The tags here are pretty useful:

Omg, you guys.

Today I was applying for a job and for the very first time in my 20 years in Canada I came across a form that recognizes that different cultures have different name formats and didn’t force me to assimilate my name to English standards. 

I nearly cried. 

I started screaming and made my mom come see.

Respecting people’s culture matters. 

It’s often the little subtle actions that mean the most.

[illerfish]

refseek.com

www.worldcat.org/

link.springer.com

http://bioline.org.br/

repec.org

science.gov

pdfdrive.com

[illerfish]

I met my younger self for coffee...

He was 16, I was 21.

He arrived a little early; I was a minute late. I walked into the coffee shop to see him seated at the table with a chocolate milk. I ordered a chocolate milk of my own, then made my way over.

He looked up as I approached. His eyebrows furrowed. Then his eyes widened.

"Are you really... us...?" he whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek.

I nodded. The lump in my throat told me to conserve my speech.

He looked me up and down, focusing on every detail in a way that made my skin prickle. I braced myself. Finally, he opened his mouth.

"You're a girl."

I winced. There it was.

"Well, not exactly," I began gently. "We're... I'm... female. That's something that can never change."

"But how could you just give up on us?" he insisted, talking over my effort to continue. "Doesn't it hurt you?"

I grit my teeth. The lump in my throat was persistent, but this was an important conversation to have. "I never gave up."

He sat silently for a moment, taking it all in. Then it clicked, and he buried his head in his hands.

I took the opportunity to explain further. "We weren't happy confined to the life of a man. We missed doing braids and makeup, wearing dresses."

His shoulders began to convulse, but he didn't lift his head. I continued. "We tried living as a-- as a woman, too." We both flinched at the word, him more than me. "It actually went fine, for a couple years. Then it all changed when we met our fiancé."

He lifted his head at that. His eyes were red, his face moist. "We have a fiancé?"

I'm sure my eyes brightened at that. "We do," I smile back. "He's a wonderful person, who helps us stop living just in terms of what our parents would think. He helps us learn to be ourselves--" my younger self opened his mouth in protest-- "truly ourselves."

I let him speak. Despite the voice dysphoria, I remember he needs to talk as much as I do. "I'm not living by what my parents would think," he insists, his voice shaky. "They would hate to find out that I'm trans. There's no way that's living by my parents' opinion."

"Well, think about it," I respond. "You're still so insistent on there being only two genders. Since you're not a girl, you must be a guy. Because our parents are more likely to accept that rationalization... so you must be, too. After all, they're so smart, they can't be completely wrong... isn't that right?"

I hear the barista call out my name, and I excuse myself to pick up my chocolate milk.

He's still wiping the tears from his face when I get back, but he flashes me the hint of a smile. "Did she say Cole?"

"Yeah." I chuckle a little.

"Like Ninjago," he ventures.

"Like Ninjago," I agree.

He smiles at me then, a real smile. He looks at me again: my long, curly hair, the scars all over my arms. He notices--I think for the first time--my bound chest.

"So... what are you?" he asks. "What are... we?"

I know what he means. What labels do I use? How does my identity fit into a box? "I don't know," I say. "I don't think it really matters. We are who we are, and we don't need words to know that."

He narrows his eyes, thinks for a little. Then he looks up again. "Well, any advice for me? Since, yknow, that's what usually happens when people do this time travel stuff."

"Not really..." I begin, and pause.

"Well, I trust in God's plan. Everything that will happen to you, happened to us for a reason." I take a sip of my chocolate milk, thinking about how to continue.

"So just keep thinking about God. He'll become more important to you one day, and you'll see what I mean. You'll go through good times and bad times, and sometimes you'll feel like you haven't made any progress at all." I fix my eyes on his. "But I promise you that it is all worth it."

He doesn't respond to that--he's too deep in thought. I stand up and get ready to leave.

His eye catches mine. "Wait," he interrupts. "What are your pronouns?"

I smile.

"They/them."

[illerfish]

ive been doing so well

but last night he made some stupid comment

and now i all i can feel is my body

and all i can feel is disgust

he says he loves my body but i don't.

he says i'm beautiful but i already know i am and i hate my body anyway.

i feel out of place

it feels wrong for me to have this body.

he says he loves my body - he'll be heartbroken if i change it.

[illerfish]

while i agree that there are some things that can be disagreed about without problem and others that can't (that is, i agree that it is an issue that people disagree about certain things), its hard for me to feel justified in ending friendships over these kinds of things, because usually these disagreements arise over lack of education and a genuine desire, channeled through this misunderstanding, to see the world bettered. i believe that most people genuinely think that their solutions would help all groups of people and just haven't been presented with the facts that would show that that's not the case. they may think that i'm "the exception to the rule" when i bring up my marginalized identities, since they haven't been exposed to many other people's stories.

it's if people are unwilling to dialogue about ideas and listen to each other, or seem actively hostile towards the fact that i specifically hold that ideology, that i struggle to maintain a friendship.

[illerfish]

he says he loves my body but i don't.

he says i'm beautiful but i already know i am and i hate my body anyway.

i feel out of place

it feels wrong for me to have this body.

he says he loves my body - he'll be heartbroken if i change it.

[illerfish]

so i've been thinking a lot more recently about my identity and what kind of expression i want to project in my personal style and such and the old chest dysphoria that ive been ignoring for so so so long is resurfacing in full force :(

[illerfish]

i’m obsessed with this

and then, two months later....

🥺

[illerfish]

IM SO OBSESSED WITH SKYWARD RN

Skyward fans get in

(I’m driving)

[illerfish]

List of Cytoverse characters and why I identify with and/or admire them (in no particular order)

FM - has a very critical mentality towards the world, politics, and sociology. Desires to be the source of strength that others look up to. Loves music. Gets along well with animals. Good in diplomatic situations.

Jorgen - craves constant control, leads by default and expects to be respected in that role, very concrete and systematic approach to learning new things

Alanik - grew up in a relatively peaceful variant of oppression, has not experienced the full harshness of the Superiority's wrath. Nevertheless tries to push for revolution against the status quo and full recognition in a new political system.

Arturo - comes from a rich background and largely rejects it in favor of what he feels is right. Abandoned by loved ones who could not accept his difference in ideals and practices.

Rig - takes joy in tinkering and figuring out how things work. Loves to talk about his current projects and obsessions. Admires the strength of others before crisis and tends to idealize it. Tends towards reclusivity.

Spensa - very straightforward, lacks social tact, a love for mythology and stories, can sometimes view conscience as something that gets in the way, makes decisions independently, places herself outside the chain of command, a bit of a social outcast, distinguishes herself through exemplary performance despite essentially having hacks

Kimmalyn - mild-mannered, doesn't swear, tries to treat everyone with kindness, queer, religious, presents her wisdom through the lens of religion, a sucker for desserts

Hurl - all-or-nothing winner mentality.

Sadie - strong admiration for those with qualities she wishes to emulate. Tries (not necessarily well) to copy these attributes.

[illerfish]

The 'hyperspecific situations' polls are really once again highlighting that native English speakers tend to forget that 'foreign' doesn't mean 'non-English' or 'non-American'

"Did you watch a foreign language movie in the past three days?" Yeah I watched the foreign movie "The Martian" with foreign actor Matt Damon

[illerfish]

[illerfish]

as an up-and-coming spanish teacher i am absolutely going to employ this method

I told my students they're allowed to be creative and don't have to be factual when writing about themselves in German because I keep getting questions like "what if I don't have roommates or what if I don't have hobbies" and I'm like guys just make something up! Have fun! I won't fact check you!

So now I am grading homework where a student is claiming to be from North Korea and his hobby is tax fraud

[illerfish]

About

i don't know how to tumblr. feel free to send messages/asks/whatever you want.

Basic info: Cole - 21 - él/they/them - Christian - Colorado, USA - Spanish Education major - speaks ENG/ESP, learning PT-BR/RUS/CN

Blog content: poetry, opinions, whatever im thinking about, reblogs, etc.

Interests: rock climbing, linguistics, league of legends, celeste, jugger/HEMA, theology, beatbox, arcane, indie rock, music composition, creative writing, brandon sanderson/cosmere

idk let me know if there's anything else i should add to this post

[illerfish]

i came out to my friends by sending them a text that said "hey just a heads up i use they/them pronouns now and go by cole". it can be as simple as that, the question is how simple you want it to be.

i think a general good rule of thumb (assuming that the environment is safe and comfortable to come out in) is to think about with what level of involvement you want your audience to react, and announce it with similar level of involvement. if you want them to give you a bit of a speech about how they support you and care for you, give them a bit of a speech about what it means to you and how you feel about telling them. if you want an "ok cool", say "im nonbinary btw".

anothing thing to remember (just in case its relevant to OP or anyone else who happens to stumble on my blog) is that theres not really a black-and-white distinction between out and not out. my parents have no idea about my gender identity because i don't think its important enough to tell them. i've only really told my pronouns to the people closest to me. if you want to come out to people that's valid and fair, but don't feel like its a requirement in order to be out at school or anything like that!

my dudes I need some advice. So im transferring to a new school after thanksgiving break and it’s like a cool school like it’s actually a good school. And im planning on coming out to my parents as nonbinary/agender before then so i can start using they/them pronouns at the new school. (My parents are pretty accepting so i wont be in danger or kicked out or anything) and i was wondering if anybody has any advice on how to come out? Any stories or things that worked well for u, things like that. Thanks :3