imnotsupossedtobehere

[imnotsupossedtobehere]

At the Mercy of the Waves

I've been on this path before,

Reminicing the past where you weren't just a memory.

I felt your essence throught the corridor,

Running and dancing with your silly smile.

Leading me to the door where the sunset hasn't arrived yet.

I followed your lead without any hesitation.

Everything was blue and shallow, I could only hear the wind pushing throught my body.

I could feel the tears in my face, cold as the sea.

I was overwhelmed by your presence because my life had been on hold without you.

Grieving your love, mourning your image.

Barefoot throught the silent night, you lead me to the endless ocean.

The deafening waves waiting for my arrival,

Your voice singing to me one last time.

And here I was, dancing at the mercy of the waves,

Dancing until my body gives up, until I see you again.

I let the waves swallow me whole,

Falling into the depths of the ocean to see your face,

Surrounded by your warmth giving you one last breath.

[imnotsupossedtobehere]

Crawling back to you

Dealing with this loneliness is unbereable,

I've been waiting some years for your return.

I've grown desperate for your warthm,

Sometimes I still see the pieces you left behind.

The memories we shared throught the tought the times,

And I've come to realize everything reminds me of you.

You haven't answer my calls for the longest time, maybe you've moved on without me.

I know you left for the better, but I can't bring myself to be happy with your decision.

I want to be angry at you,

Hurt you, scream at you until my voice gives up,

But nothing will work, my pain won't bring you back.

Now I'm left with all this responsabilities,

Alone without any help.

While you can enjoy your life I'm stuck in this misery,

A destiny that has been assigned since I was born.

A destiny I cannot escape.

I want to blame you for everything, all the mistakes I'm making without you,

Your selfishness and dumb decisions,

And for some reason your love has made me weak,

I cannot hate you or despise you.

Most of the time I blame myself for letting you go,

For not being enough, for not giving you a reason to stay.

Sometimes I still see you by my window,

Like a ghost, something I only see in my dreams,

Looking at me, with those dreamy eyes.

Making my existence feel at ease,

Like everything made sense.

I believe I failed you, and I can't bring myself to accept the present.

So I crawl back to you in my dreams

Where I can steal your warthm,

Where you smile at me again,

Where I can hear you voice again.

If I could find a way to give you everything,

I would take it all back to see you again.

[imnotsupossedtobehere]

I forgot your name.

For a second, I forgot your name.

With all the pain and loneliness I forgot who I was.

Sometimes, I can't comprehend how everything changed.

With you I saw a tomorrow.

A light within the darkness.

A glimmer of hope that you cut loose without any regret.

A hatred that remains in your eyes everytime you appear in my dreams.

Now I walk as a corpse at midnight.

Suffocating my guilt in the endless pain of my mind.

At the darkest hour, mourning for all the things life has taken away.

All the things that I will never get back,

And the passage of time will completly erase.

Voices I will never remember, the faces of my loved ones slowly dissapearing.

How cruel life can be.

I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare,

Where I punish myself everyday,

Trying to erase my mistakes, trying to be forgiven while I'm still alive.

No one will help me, no one will come to my rescue.

My only company are the shadows of my past and the voices that haunt me every night.

Your soft voice, your face, the eyes I would loose myself into.

I still remember how you would look at me before our tragic departure.

I was a fool for believing you would fix the hole within me.

Even though, I sacrified everything for you,

I'm more angry at myself for making the wrong decisions.

My emotions betray me, and now I've realized my mistakes can't be undone.

Guilt consumes me everyday, I cannot fall asleep anymore.

I want to destroy every part of myself, I want to be erased from this world.

And maybe death will bring me peace.

I fear is too late for us to reconcile.

I fear is too late for me, I can't move forward.

I'm too far gone.

This was based of Vi from the series Arcane. I wanted to capture her pain for all the things she has been throught with something short. I always end up drawing her so I did something different this time.

I'm not the best writer, so I just read fanfics instead haha.

[imnotsupossedtobehere]

I cannot longer be there for you.

Sometimes, I loose myself into the memories of the past,

I cling into what it could have been,

What if I stayed? Will you be better?

And all the regrets from my past come back.

I remember your never ending tears, your fearful eyes.

Something was taken from us,

And from that day on we will never be the same.

Maybe I'm just a coward,

I ran the first chance I got to escape from this life.

I'm not going to sugar coat my mistakes,

I took the easy way out.

I'm selfish because I know you are stuck in this nightmare,

Waiting for your solitud to consume you.

I've told you before, I will always wait for you to change your mind,

I don't want you to suffer alone.

I intended to stay as long as I could to protect everyone,

But as time passed I was scared of what you've become.

Something in your eyes changed,

It reminded me of the endless rage I once felt,

I couldn't keep watching you destroyed everything around you.

We've seen each others ugliness, we've been throught hell,

Only this time I had to step aside.

In some ways, I wanted a better life for myself.

As selfish as it might sound, I didn't want to drown in grief.

I had to look out for myself and my sister,

I don't want her to get involved in this mess.

I hope you can keep up your promise, I don't want her to suffer the same fate.

You have always undertood my pain, is what made us connect in the first place.

As angry as you might be, I hope you still hold some affection towards me.

I won't be gone forever,

I want to come back when I feel ready.

Remember to take care of yourself, there's more for you in this world than to drown in your misery.

There's always other ways to heal, other options to live your life,

Don't let this burden take that away from you.

[imnotsupossedtobehere]

Image

I saw you by my window,

Looking at me with the same smile.

I felt my heart beating again,

While I was loosing my common sense.

Everything felt like a movie that will never end,

And just like that I tasted you again.

Your warm lips, your soft voice calling my name,

We were in this bubble no one could break. 

You were the only person that understood my ugliness,

The only one who saw my scars and healed my bruises. 

Everything felt effortless, like I was floating in this big mad world.

You never realized, but you gave common sense to my existence,

and I had this image in my head, where we were eternal.

I gave you my love forever even in our final breath,

And until then our souls would have connected in another world. 

But life is not that simple, 

they took you away before I could say goodbye. 

And now I live in this numbness, because I will never see you again.

All this love that I can't give to anyone else,

Everything I had planned for our future is lost in just a memory. 

All that could have been and will never be,

I will have to live this life without you. 

Your image will be forever stuck as a photograph in my room while I grow older.

Your voice, your warmth,

All gone forever.

And that's what gets me,

I will be haunted for the things I couldn't do or tell you. 

What am I supposed to do with all this love that doesn't have any place to go?

[imnotsupossedtobehere]

I've been craving for your attention lately,

And I've been feeling hollow without you.

Your image only exists in my mind, 

You don't exist in the real world.

I'm sure that's why I've been feeling so lonely lately,

Because no one compares to you. 

I'm overwhelmed by all the things I have to do Until they day comes and you save me from this misery. 

Maybe I should give up on this waiting.

But how am I supposed to continue when I feel so disconnected from everyone else? 

When half of my life I've felt so broken.

How someone is supposed to give me a love I cannot accept?

No one understands this feeling and I've been waiting for quite some time.

It's been 24 years and I've grown desperate.

I thought it was you, the image in my head that kept me hopeful,

Everytime something changed in my life I'm waiting for your arrival. 

But you never do and I have to endure my days feeling incomplete,

I fear the day will never come, 

I'll be 45 and you are nowhere to be found,

I'll watch the days pass alone while my time runs up.

I'm tired of this searching and meaningless waiting.

I want you here right next to me.