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Ethelredda: I will not have my honor questioned by someone below me!

Jenna: I'm not questioning your honor. I'm denying it's existence.

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Judge: What do you plead?

Tod: *Looks over at Septimus*

Septimus: *Mouths 'not guilty'*

Tod: Hot milky.

Septimus: JUST LOCK HER UP ALREADY.

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There’s a simple answer to everything and it’s usually 'no.'

Marcia, Probably.

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Septimus: "You'll understand when you're older."

Septimus: Well, I'm older and I literally understand nothing.

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Nicko: Okay, here's the plan: Have you seen Home Alone?

Septimus: Nicko, no.

Jenna: Just one booby trap.

Septimus: Jenna.

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Septimus to Merrin: Nothing brightens up a room more than your absence.

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Jenna: If you eat a fly, does it become part of you?

Septimus, rubbing his hands together like a fly: Let’s find out.

Beetle: Please, don’t.

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Sam: And this is Marwick, my ex-boyfriend.

Marwick, to Sam: I told you to stop telling people that.

Marwick: I’m his husband.

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Marcia: This is highly irregular.

Marcellus: No, highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.

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Am I the only one here who's clear on the concept of law enforcement?

Sarah Heap, many times.

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It's not discourse if I'm right.

Marcia, for sure.

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Time is an illusion.

Marcellus Pye, probably.

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Jenna: Marissa had to make me a witch so I could escape the coven.

Jenna: Jojo, you’re lucky.

Jojo: Why?

Jenna: Marissa’s a really good kisser.

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This is so great, there’s never enough Septimus Heap stuff, thanks babe I’m super excited to read your whole blog

Hey thanks! This blog is a little… *blows dust off everything* …unused but there’s still a years worth of content to enjoy!

There’s a couple submissions I want to post but we’ll probably go dormant again after the queue runs out. Thanks to those who still submit!

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DomDaniel: Text posts are like children. You delete the ones that don't succeed.

Merrin: what

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Spit Fyre: friend is mean?

Spit Fyre: friend makes you feel bad?

Spit Fyre: friend doesn’t really act like a friend?

Spit Fyre: delete friend 

Septimus: did you just tell me to murder my friends

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Silas: Marriage counseling. How’s that going?

Marcia: You just heard us arguing about the marriage counseling. How do you think it’s going?