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Something really not talked about with trauma disorders is the paranoia.

Being scared and jumping to conclusions when people stand a little too close to you, not believing people’s compliments and thinking they have hidden motives, not believing when people tell you they like/love you, thinking that strangers you see on the street want to hurt you, etc.

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Sometimes people that have suffered trauma can’t remember all of it. Sometimes they will remember it gradually throughout their life. Sometimes the memories may come and go. If they tell you stuff with different details, don’t judge them or think they’re lying. If they suddenly forget things, that’s normal.

Memories related to trauma are so complicated.

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Sometimes I wish nothing more than to escape myself.

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Growing up in a household where eating disorders were not a thing and very “normalized” has been something im realizing is affecting me and has affected me my whole life in various ways,

The psychology behind “beauty” in society.

Not having routine or positive guidance around food as a child.

Diet culture influenced home.

Not knowing how to or what to eat “healthy”

In every form of that word

Too much,

Too little,

Anxiety around that and anger associated with food.

A household where my guardians copied my behavior instead of helping me learn that innreality IT’S NOT HEALTHY OR NICE

being shamed when expressing why things are popping up now.

Facing underlying shame and understanding what is right and wrong

I’m an adult now,

an adult realizing that my childhood was warped around parents who have un healed trauma of their own,

I do not wish to be like that.

But, I see so many traits coming out in my adult form.

*reprogramming* *relearning*

Going into a fitness career with these realizations has been really challenging to navigate around, becoming triggered and voicing the wrong thing,

*rethinking* *unlearning*

Everyday im reprogramming my psychology from learned behavior.

It’s not fair.

It was never.

But now I have to live that knowledge,

And own that truth.

And accept that I can’t go back and re live it.

*only relearn* *rethink* *reprogram*

Honestly, I want to voice what I know now to the child that was learning from observation.

*unlearn*

And the worst part is, I feel those words and “lessons” from my childhood, from now constantly trying to change me,

pulling me away from what I KNOW NOW.

It was my truth for a while,

Generational trauma,

And the

healing of parts that succumbed to survive.

NAM

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I don’t understand,

I want to.

But I dont

I feel stupid.

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Reprogramming…

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We believe in growing

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due to personal reasons i will be disappearing into the fog

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As a general rule, if you're having food cravings, you should probably pay attention to that, because it's usually a sign that your body needs something. Like, if you've just finished a workout and are suddenly desperately craving fries? Maybe you're low on salt, you did just sweat a whole bunch. Period cravings for junk food? Your body's under some stress and working hard, you need energy, and foods with a lot of fat and/or sugar are an easy way to get that.

Back in the early 1900's when exploring Antarctica was all the rage, y'know what was a major part of everyones daily rations? Butter. Just butter. The men out on the sledging teams would have cravings to eat entire sticks of butter with nothing else, so that was included in their rations. And that happened because under those extreme circumstances, their bodies desperately needed as many calories as possible, so their diet consisted mainly of butter, chocolate, and animal fat. Eating entire sticks of butter was the healthiest possible diet for them.

That's an extreme example of course, but my point is, there's no such thing as inherently Good or Bad food. Anything that's edible can be healthy under the right circumstances, just like anything can be an unhealthy choice under the wrong circumstances. Your body knows what it needs. Listen to it. Unless you're actively going through a serious medical situation, you do not need a tightly restricted diet. Diet culture is a scam, body fat is natural and healthy, food is good for you, and calories are the fuel your body needs to power its continued survival.

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Can my brain please stop showing me the holes that are burning into the fabric of reality for one second I'm trying to concentrate

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just because music isnt playing doesnt mean im not listening to it

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To The Substitute Art Teacher - Jordan Bolton

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What used to suck the most is that I “couldn’t” write I had writers block…. Kind of

I don’t believe it’s that simple as just writers block,

Writing is so important to me it was a form of expressions that only one could be heard through,

It was a way of communication that I so subconsciously ignored

I never re read what they had to say.

Now I’m unable to draw,

Maybe not unable but,,

Unable to be present enough to let my imagination work,

I let my demons grab my throat and shake me,

So hard that I lost the ability to speak for ourself,

OURSELF.

Im stuck unable to communicate at all

All my feelings being morphed into things that don’t make sense,

When we lost our voice, we lost ourself.

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ME

I am scared,

Im petrifying

Into fossilized wood,

Once living and slowly turning solid.

I DONT WANT TO

I DONT WANT TO

I DONT WSNT TO

I DONT WANT TO

I DONT WANT TO

I CANT STOP IT

I’ve succumbed to it

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I really want to know my biological father

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Keeping it together I made buttons, I like buttons a lot, they’re cool AND nice person gave me silicone button molds and now I can make buttons out of so much, I finally made a bunch because I was very stressed and this helped haha, I like buttons.

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things people have done to help me during a psychoses episode

i was on the buss and i hallucinated bugs crawling all over my hands, so my friend pulled my hoodie sleeves over them with permission and held my hands through the sleeves to "keep them off". they used the logic you would in a real bug situation.

i went nonverbal in a bad one in class, so my friend wrote me a note to give to the nurse since the teacher wouldn't let her go with me.

i often am very paranoid about the delusion that meat is actually rotten, so my dad will sometimes eat a bit of it before me

instead of telling me my delusions arent real, they help me through it using logic like it was real. they dont tell me that nothings going to hurt me in my sleep, they stay with me to keep me safe. then when it passes i can realize its not real