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My new book is now available in paperback on Amazon. Go check it out!

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A great video for those feeling down or depressed.

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The Reqium

How easy it would be to admit the pain i carry within

The daily burden of darkness cloaked in falsities

The reclusive shadows slowly overtaking me

The fear I hopelessly face daily

The smiles I used to have now only memories

Trying to hide my broken pieces under a blanket of masculinity

I cannot let such weakness show

For it would only distance the already far

But it's becoming more than I can bare

Chipping away at what life is left inside

But it's unfortunate the society I exist in

A shame to feel anything especially weak

If they could only see the ghost I am

The bleeding I bandage daily

Just so they won't look away

They pay no attention until they have to pay respects

It's a quiet war I must fight alone

For such a catharsis strips all honor

All chances of being claimed

So suffer I must or suffer I will

Because in the end

When I chase after affections and affirmations

Trying to find just a small relief

I realize I've forgotten what it's like to have a friend.

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Only a Dream

The long nights of wondering have ceased

For you have seen my inner most

It was too overwhelming to hide anymore

I had to tell

Yet only my worst fears were confirmed

I always knew

Just never wanted to believe

That all I am to you is just another

Another face in your life

Another name full of words

When I've always viewed you as my destiny

A light I so desperately need

Yet I only have my self to blame

For the illusions I created and lived for

Foolish to ignore the obvious signs

Now I must ask myself

Where to go from here

Humbled and drained

Smitten by a dream

Yes, only a dream

A harsh reality

I am now forced to accept

And to be honest

I'm scared

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Your Majesty

I saw you today clothed in elegance

I felt your eyes hitting me

Despite my constant looking down

I nonchalantly wave at you

Twice in fact

This time for me it wasn't pretend

But oh yes I did think on that long drive home

As Autumn's whispers kissed my skin

How warm you must feel

How soft your hugs must be

And I was ashamed

For being the monster I've become

Your very sight reminded me this life still has its beauty

That maybe these days are worth living

I see you and cowar in fear that you might see all my sins

I think that maybe I've caused this sudden distance

That's why I could never tell you how strong I feel

That even in your times of silence

You drive me to stay afloat

To better myself so that one day I could earn your hand

No matter how impossible that dream may be

To say I love you would be an understatement

For your soul draws me

Yet I can't utter such words to you

I can't show you the mess I am

But oh how I wish to show you

The peace you bring me

With just one smile

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Not Surprising

I used to believe there were good people in the world

But I was foolish

All have their ways of deception and selfishness

All will con and deceive until they get their fix

They don't care about you in end

They'll remember your name

They'll remember your face

But they'll forget what you do for them

They'll forget you have a soul also

But they'll sure as hell expect the most from you

And they sure as hell don't give a fuck what happens to you in the end

Just as long as they get their way

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Obsolete

Well,

Here I am again

I have the words but not the will to say them

This time of year always does this to me

It's even worse in public

I'm like a ghost among corpses

I forget these situations until they manifest

December, I dread your coming the most

For in the midst of reds, greens, and golds

I'm like a smudge of grey

If I knew the combination

I would have unlocked the answers I need

Stored away in Pandora's box

But year after year I repeat these cold days

My own shadow keeping me company

My presence as expendable as the breeze

They don't see me when I arrive

They don't miss me when I leave

My will to survive dwindles by day

Some days strong

Other days like tonight

Very low

I could be like the somewhat two friends I do have

And just snort and smoke my problems away

But I know the end results too well

I can feel my communication slipping into studders

A problem I thought was long gone

I guess spending your time alone has it's physical effects

Especially when Facebook reminds you it's been five years

I wish I knew the answer...well I guess I do know it

But knowing it and acquiring it are two different concepts

It's difficult when you ask yourself why you own a phone

It's never lit up

Well...maybe a goodnight text from mom every once in a while

Maybe a phone call from a telemarketer once a month

It's hard to accept things when you missed your shot long ago

Like a caterpillar who is too old to spin a new cocoon

He can dream of being a butterfly all day

But he knows his chances of becoming one are gone.

Maybe tonight is the night after all.

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The Result of Greed

Violence crosses my mind

Everytime you cross my path

Every painful fantasy I create

Whispers in my ear

Your very success haunts me

Makes me blood thirsty

I was forced to calouse myself

While you fucked in your dream bed

Licking the sweat off the flesh I first loved

I danced with darkness and learned it's cold ways

Hardening my body

While you satisfied yours

You fool

You don't comprehend mental breakdowns

Because you've spent your life leaching off others

You know not my rage when I think about you

I keep it inside and let my eyes do the talking

Trust me when I say you're not a threat

Just an obstacle and a shred in my past

I think you overestimate your own strength

I assure you

I'll break your mind down long before

I butcher your body

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8:00 am

Handcuffed and hogtied

Hooked to the fodder pump

Packed full of the world's shit

Switched to maximum

Hose forced down the throat

Filling the gut to capacity

"Swallow it all" they say

"Better keep it down" they say

Ripped away and thrown in the chair

Steel shackles forcing down

Eyes glued to the screen

Flash flash flash

"Remember every bit" they say

"Don't fucking look away" they say

Broken from the chair

Screaming in the ear

Forced out the door

A briefcase in one hand

A gun in the other

"Go survive now" they say

"Better not fuck up" they say

Brainwashed

Force fed

Beaten half dead

"Better not fuck up" they said.

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Moved on

Tell me

How does it feel?

Does your mind also wonder?

Are you also driven to madness?

Did you happen to notice something?

The altered details

The change

Did you feel my eyes no longer looking at you?

Did you hear my heart no longer racing?

How does it feel to just be another person in the room?

To no longer be worshiped and admired

To be as transparent to me as the air

Did you recognize the sour taste you left in my mouth?

Did you hear it? Did you like it?

Did you feel the disconnect?

Like a snapped spine

Did you notice I didn't say bye?

Did you notice I didn't care?

Did you notice I woke up?

Did you see me not believing your bullshit?

Perhaps your answer is no

But I assure you

You'll catch on

You'll see me caring the same way you do

And you'll show up trying not to lose me as some safety net

Oh but honey it'll be futile

Cause anymore it'll take more than your pretty face to keep me around

Because I've grown tired and disgusted

With shelling out compassion for no return

Only a few minutes of eye candy before the cock tease

I can be your lover, I can be your best friend

But no longer am I your backup plan

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Anasyrma

Your face burns an image in my mind

It follows me everywhere

Enhanced by your presence

Illuminated during your abscense

If I had the chance to scream at you

I'd beg for your secrets

To let me draw your shapes

I don't want to forget anything

I want to explore your world

See your wild side

Make my blood flow

Because your eyes are like fire to my soul

Pour into my mind

Intoxicate me with your delicacies

Give my skin that crimson glow

Like the ocean waves crashing against rocks

I want to burn in that fire I see in you

Whatever you're hiding I want to know

Clothed in white covered with my black

Pulling the anger from my insides

Take me on an adventure

I want to remember

Leave me breathless and next to divine

Because in my story

You're already mine

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The Haunting

I see your pictures appearing without cause

Your eyes like fire

Piercing through my fogged vision

I can hear your voice faintly through the smile

I know not rather to feel hatred or loss

I wish for neither

Although I'm forced to choose

You've become a ghost that I wish to be haunted by

Your apparition under the covers beside me

I can feel your coldness towards me

Turning you away

Yet in my mind

You're a phantom who still controls me

My dreams brought on by unexpected sleep

Occupied by your subtle beauty

The type you always deny to have

I assure you it still excites me

I read over old stories and adventures

When your words were full of life

Trying my hardest to nurse off the remains

Time may forever pass by

But mornings will always have your sting

To be honest I like the pain

The venom you unintentionally inject

It drives me

And keeps my imaginations wild

Your presence may be miles away

But my passenger seat is never really empty

I still feel you

Like wind between my fingers

Slithering beneath my caloused palms

If I close my eyes I still see you

Making me feel, making me strong

Your good mornings and good night's

Like illegal caffeine

Your heart no longer races

Your shivers may be gone

Oh by I assure you

They still turn me on

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Silence

You do what you can to survive

Until you find your reason for living

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Streetlights

It's funny

All those thoughts I used to have

Those long drives home reflecting on the unseen

Thinking they were just cheap fantasies

They were waking nightmares that I accepted

They became real

I was lost in their glimmer

And still am

Now I find myself looking at the seen

The feint smile through the silky clean hair

The purity radiating with eminence

As if everything surrounding is fake

The subtle moments of glancing muting all background noise

I forget myself

And reminded I still have a heart that beats

And it's as if we are the only ones alive

Yet no response only silence

Then suddenly I seem to be the only one alive

But barely living

Yes those long drives home

Those cold sunsets and dull pavement sounds

They remind and they teach

Oh how I wish I had your comfort tonight

Because I'm afraid of the dark

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Thrash pt. 2

Yes

I remember this feeling

This quiet strength

This unspoken power

It's been a long time

Searing shut the old wounds

Never to be opened again

The violence in me is reaching

Can they see it too?

A hungry viper ready to take

Ready to have

Make it all mine

For before me is that which I desire

That which I crave

And that which I want to destroy

For once my mind not scattered

For once my focus not taken

I feel the blades in my back no longer bleeding

They are apart of me

Content with the outcome

I ignore the lashes and the leasions

Laughing at the petty strikes

My lips cracking to a smile of mischief

Seeing right through the disguised

Sometimes wits can prove to be better

In my fantasies I snatch

I destroy and I obtain

In my fantasies I steal

I kill and I seduce

But in reality I can do so much more

I can break, I can decieve

And I can consume

Behold,

The real me has returned

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Autumn's Message

Amidst the fire

Showered with smoke

I reflect on those around who finished the course

They crossed the line and it's left down to me

To fight this bitter war

This is never how I wanted it

Another year imagining the next

I've felt this way plenty of times

But how I want this to be the last

October you have once again shown me the past

Let the flames engulf my soul

Let me stand in the blaze

Burning away all that's left

Carry me away as ashes

A harvest moon glaring at me

Exposing the torment within

Peace is not apart of me

It's faded out with the rest

Let the flames scortch my flesh

Let the heat burn my past

Make me ride the trail of smoke

October you've shown me the last

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I Remember

The story never goes how we plan

We wrestle demons everyday in our head

Just trying to see the sun again

Missing the tingling of our skin

Not letting society see our weaknesses

Trying not to tie the slipknot

Forcing the gun from our heads

Holding on to memories

And empty old forgotten messages

Being your own closest friend

When there is nobody answering the phone

Forcing you to face the darkness alone

I always knew it was a cold world

But never this bitter

Where continuing to breath is a simple act of hope

Hope that is no where to be seen

It's strange

How at your lowest your mind forgets everything negative

And all you remember

Is the smooth hand running down your arm

Your heart beating for another

Her warmth against yours

Comforted and not judged as she sees you at your purest

No lies

Such images like a friendly ghost kissing your cheek

It keeps that spark alive

Despite how little it may be

If I close my eyes hard enough

I can feel her arms still around me

Making me weak, making me strong

Watching the water flow down her skin

Stopping the rain outside for seconds at a time

It's strange

The lives we live in the past

Being the life in us when we feel dead

And all the words and smiles and dancing

All the memories

Keeping my heart beating just a few more beats

Just a few more seconds

Oh, how I want new memories

How I don't want these to fade

How I want to dream again