inthewind-inthewater

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Feeling so much… envy? When I saw trans folks at pride today. I want that, too. I don’t know why I always see being trans and being visible as something other people get to do, not me. I don’t know why being trans is something other people actually get to live, but not me.

I at least want to be gnc. I understand that now. Even years ago I would see androgynous and masc people and I would wish I could look like that so badly.

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I don’t like most men. I don’t like toxic masculinity. I was deeply hurt by cis men and I carry a lot of fear.

But I shoved down every possible part of my masculinity or possible masc-aligned identity because I felt so gross and bad for it. Because of how often I would read that men are trash, that trans men are sidelined and called traitors, and that transmasc people are pushed out of trans conversations and so often othered. I had to sit with it for a very long time before I could be okay with it, and it’s only just a thing I’m beginning to be open to.

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god, being genderfluid the worst

I’ll be feeling really okay and content for a bit, sitting in a certain place or in a certain identity, and then suddenly everything just gets fucked up

am I just transmasculine?? But I feel content as a non-binary femme until I’m… not anymore. Then I am convinced I am FTM, until I’m… not. Then it happens again.

I want off this ride, I am so tired.

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with pride month coming up, please do not forget about trans men, transmasc people, nonbinary people, intersex people, and people with culturally exclusive identities

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I haven’t forgotten about this. My gender is always shifting. I wish it wasn’t. I don’t want it to be. Sometimes I’ll convinced I’m mostly cis, sometimes I’m convinced I’m a trans man. I don’t know. I’m so tired.

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the craziest thing about being transmasc or a trans man is that people LOVE to say you’re gonna look ugly, gonna turn ugly etc. and personally for a while i bought into this nonsense. but one day i decided fuck it, decided to transition and you know what happened? i still retained the most handsome parts of the person i was before. but i looked happier. i looked more beautiful, more handsome, prettier, stylish, hot. because i finally looked like me & so much happier and confident. anyway, this is just to say - go transition dude, if you’re hesitating. you will only look even more handsome & beautiful, fuck their propaganda.

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Think inside the box.

ADAM SCOTT | Severance — Inside the Grand Central Terminal Pop-Up

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made a linocut im very proud of

something about wearing your transsexuality proudly like a stag wears his antlers

also im losing my uterus friday (whoo yayyy) the person who finds it gets to keep it

more crafts coming soon cause the gyn said i need to take time from school to crafts lots after surgery (or smth like that)

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I get so much gender envy from Adam Scott what is wrong with me

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desperately need a “how to hot and transmasc” starter kit, I don’t know how to dress.

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Abbotsford House

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Two folks were talking in the coffee shop today about starting microdosing T and I kept staring

I hope they didn’t think I was being rude, I was staring because I was envious

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I’m really, really trying to give being AFAB a solid try, and yet and yet and yet

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*this* close to accepting I am closeted transmasc (maybe ftm, but also not binary trans, who even knows) and I am so tired of trying to figure out what the fuck to wear

I’m never going to pass as a dude, the best I can hope for is sort of andro-ish?

but do I just accept I will never pass and continue being femme, or do I dress in ways that I feel like make me look unattractive but are more gender-affirming? I hate this so much

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I hate that I might be trans masc because if how awful cis men always are. I don’t want to be like them! I can’t. I can’t.

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One of the reasons I think I might be more transmasc than I thought was how frustrated I keep getting at they/them pronouns lately. I don’t like that it is “non-gendered”, that the word for folks who use it is person, rather than man/woman. I want an identity word, too. Enby is better but still feels clunky in a way.

But I also don’t think the category of man (or woman) fits either. Idk, maybe I’m just a he/they or they/he/she or something.

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Yes, this! My young self was a tomboy, but she was a girl, and girlhood remains something I feel connected to even now for that reason. It feels awkward and even incorrect to call my childhood self by my current pronouns. I also want to see and acknowledge the way girlhood impacted me, and left me with gendered trauma. I also didn’t use to dislike being a girl - I wasn’t feminine as a kid but I was proud to be female?

But at the same time, I knew I wasn’t like other girls. But that might have just been my sexuality and being ND, idk.

I feel a sharp divide between childhood/teenager/young adult, they’re all sort of different people to me. Blanket statements don’t encompass that.

I think for some people, identity just shifts and changes so much over time, and others less so. I wonder how much it is worth trying to retroactively assign gender stuff because that time has simply passed now. I was who I was.

DAE who transitionned in their twenties or later struggle with the idea that they were a trans kid or don't identify as a trans kid who grew up at all ?

It's something I've been wondering about for a while. I was definitely a queer kid, as I was openly bisexual from quite a young age, but I don't feel like I was a trans kid. I see by inner child as a little girl, being one and being seen as one played a huge part of my experience as a child and teenager, and the way I was socialized was very conservative "future wife" like.

If I felt and was seen like a tomboy from time to time, I always was "corrected" by people to not be this way in very harsh ways.

But I used to like being a girl, and I had absolutely no idea that things could be different in any way. I suffered not being able to play with my boyfriends anymore when we started going through puberty, and boys and girls started not engaging with each other unless for romantic interests (or later, sexual). I dreaded being sexualized while seeing it as "something to be proud of" because my parents taught me that.

But when I try to ask myself, "Maybe it was dysphoria," or any early signs of me being trans, it just doesn't seem to fit.

To me, child me and teenage me were separate people, early adult me who was confused in their gender and started to know things about transness was someone else, and then I came to be as a result of just life.

Idk if it's the same for other people, if you'd like to share your experiences I'd love to hear about it !