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July 21, 2016

SLEEPOVER AT MALU'S ♥️ Wow. I guess it's been awhile since I've actually spent the night at a friend's house, but that's okay with me. I missed Malu. She was one of a handful of people that never really judged me for what I've ever said or done. She was there for me during one of the toughest patches of my life and I don't know how I could possibly thank her. She's been more real to me than anybody that has known me for years. She's one of the few friends that has been there for me and stayed there for me. She's really great and I can't believe I barely met her during my senior year. Tonight has been great and I just wanted to kind of remember this day and this time so I don't forget that I had someone like her so early on in life. Much love, Iris Rae

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July 11, 2016

I wonder if you remember everything. Everything that happened between us. The drives, Valentine's Day, the music, the movies, the superheroes, the memories in my car, our dirty secrets, and everything in between. Do you remember? Do you ever think about it? Reminisce about the good times we had and wonder where everything went bad? I used to pray for the pain to go away, but I realized that no one was going to take the pain away from me, I had to want to get through it. I used to wish that I could change the way things went. All of the what ifs; what if I hadn't gone to school that day? What if I hadn't stayed after school with you? What if I hadn't done this or that. Everything you can possibly think of, I thought of it. Every single scenario played out in my head. I wished our memories would leave me, but no one could take them away from me. Your empty words still ring in my head sometimes, as if you were saying them again for the first time. It still hurts. Your words, your empty promises, you left me in my car and then you did that thing. I called it our thing, but it was just this cute thing you did. You looked back into my car after you got out and stared at me, you watched for awhile. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I couldn't even look at you. My chest hurt and my breathing became uneven. My emotions were everywhere. I felt out of control, I felt like my world had just been ripped away from me. I remember when we would talk on the phone and I thought that I talked too much so I'd be quiet for awhile, but you'd whisper my name and say, "Why did you stop talking? I like hearing your voice." Every single time and when I told you I thought I talked too much, you told me "You talk a lot but I like to listen to what you say. It makes me happy." You made me happy, I felt like I had no care in the world, but that's when the worst things happen I guess. I remember everything in close to perfect detail. I still have everything. I wonder if you have the stuff I gave you, the stuff I made you. During the weeks after I was broken, I couldn't do anything, more like I wouldn't, but everything was so painful. Everything reminded me of you. It hurt to go into my room, where on countless nights you'd talk me to sleep and promise that you'd never let me fall asleep alone. You promised me Disneyland, you promised we'd wake up next to each other every morning and fall asleep to each other every night, you promised me you'd never let me fall, you promised that you weren't going to drop me out of nowhere and all of those were broken. Those words became empty, there was no more meaning behind anything. I'd remember what you said and realize there was nothing more than just those words. You were fine while I broke and shattered in every single way possible. Everyone thought it would be me who broke you, but when it wasn't me, nobody cared about me when I broke, when I shattered, when I became almost nothing. You had your friends to back you up and take your mind off of me, while I had no one to save me. No one to catch me while I fell. No one to listen when I needed to talk. No one to pick me up when I fell down. No one to pick up the pieces. I learned that I had to catch myself, I had to pick myself up, I had to be there for me, I had to pick up the pieces. No one was going to do it for me. You broke me. It's the worst that anyone has ever done to me. But you're graduating this coming school year and we'll probably never see each other again. I wish things would've ended better, but your ego. It was huge the last time we talked; you stepped all over me, you disrespected a fellow student who lost his life, you talked to me like you were better than me, you talked like you had some type of control over me, you were different. It broke me more because you weren't the same person you were when it was you and I. It was my fault for believing words. I hope you live out your life. Much love, Iris Rae

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MY SENIOR RALLY WAS HELLA LIT👑

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June 27, 2016

Today my friends and I found an apartment near Stanislaus and placed our down payment for the place. I haven't been this excited for something in so long. I'm so surprised that this actually worked out and that we found a place, a nice place. For awhile, I kind of just pushed the thought aside and knew it was going to happen without really believing it would, but here we are. We should be moving in late July or early August. I cannot believe that this is happening. I feel like an adult, kind of, but not really. YAY. I'm moving out and starting my college life. I can't wait.

Much love, Iris Rae

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Check out Vlog #7 on my channel Iris Rae! My friends and I planned a last minute trip to Santa Cruz! Don't forget to like and subscribe!

Much love, Iris Rae

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tb to the first time I went indoor rock climbing Song: How Did I Get Here - ODESZA

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June 16, 2016

Oh man, it has been a rough six days. I hadn't been sick in so long and so when I caught this weird illness from my Yasmeen, the fever overwhelmed my freaking body. I was shivering while it was 100 degrees outside and had three blankets on to keep myself warm. I haven't felt this terrible in so long. All I've been drinking is chicken broth and ginger tea, but I'm trying not to baby it and I'm just pushing through.

On Monday, my grandmother took my sisters and I bowling, it was so much fun honestly. I haven't really spent a day out with my grandma like that in a while. She's so cute and she does the typical grandma things and I guess I haven't really appreicated her properly over the last few years. While we were bowling, she would cheer us on loud and proud as if we were competing for a cahs prize or a title. She had no shame and even though we sucked at it, she would laugh and cheer us on ten times more. I guess I just really love my grandma so much, she's so cute and she really does try to give my sisters and I everything. I appreicate it and her, I really do.

Then yesterday, Aureanne, my older sister, took Yasmeen and I out to Sacramento to go indoor rock climbing. I really enjoyed it because Aureanne wasn't sure if I'd like it, but I really truly did. I have blisters all over my hands and my arms are freaking sore. I honestly hope that the next time we go back, I'll pay for my older sister and buy her a bunch of the necessary stuff to go. I really apreciate her too and all that she does for me. I'm not sure she really understands that, but it's alright sometimes I'll just tell her and hug her or something, but I don't know if she realizes the extent of my appreciation.

Much love, Iris Rae

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Check out my Prom 2016 vlog on my YouTube channel Iris Rae! Don't forget to like, subscribe, and comment! (:

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June 10, 2016

You know, when I get into arguments with a family member or family members, I'm never really quite sure how to go about my anger afterwards. MY older sister, Aureanne, always reminds me that you shouldn't waste time being angry about something, if it's really not something worth being angry over. Of course she says it in better words, but I try to remember that when I get angry at something now because why spend that five to ten minutes angry at something that wasn't even worth the time you spent being angry.

Most times I argue with my mother because, well because she's my mother, you know? You just argue sometimes, but most times I'm not really sure how to even explain to people how stupid our arguments can be. Most times she nitpicks or she tells my sisters and I that we're lazy, but we know we're not. I guess what really irritates me is that she'll point out the exact things that she does even though my sisters and I don't do it. I understand that she's my mother and I shouldn't be complaining because there are people out there who don't have one, but honestly, there is just a point where it begins to be too much.

My relationship with my mother is the most bipolar relationship ever. There are days where she will be in the best mood ever and she'll be able to take a joke and kid with us too, but then there are days where she just does not want to deal with any of us. She'll literally stad there and say,"I'm not in the mood for your stupid sense of humor and I don't have time for you to be talking to me right now." I mean honestly, who says that? I know there are times when I can piss her off and I promise to anyone who reads this, I will ALWAYS apologize, but that is one thing I did not learn from my mother. My mother never apologizes no mater how wrong she can is and she knows she's wrong. I guess I just don't know what to do anymore and I just wanted to release this built up anger.

I love my mother, she's great, but most times she just puts me and my sisters down and I guess I'm not sure how to deal with the negativity. Normally I just get rid of the negativity by cutting that person off from my life, but she's my mom and like I said I appreciate my family so much. I love them all for who they are and what they do for me.

Much Love, Iris Rae

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throwback to graduation with Queen Jilly♥️😭😍

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travel

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June 7, 2016

Today was the first time I had ever really been drunk around anyone. I went to Lake Camanche with a few friends; Alyssa Ros, Malena Prak, Malena's brother Michael, Tranisha Encalade, and Kevin Miranda. It was honestly great and I haven't felt that free in so long.

Alyssa called me around ten last night asking if I wanted to go somewhere before she left for Texas on June eighth, honestly my summer hasn't been extremely eventful, so I accepted without hesitation. It was last minute, but it turned out pretty well for something planned hours before. We had food, tents, a freaking paddle boat, and even floaties and water guns. This was honestly the type of day I want to have all the time, I know I'd get sick of it, but you get the general idea. I wish I could do adventurous things all the time. I guess it was only adventurous because my parents didn't know. I just had a really great time with people I never expected to hang out with and I don't regret anything.

The drive there and just being with people who wanted to chill and have fun was the best part. There were no problems and we all just wanted to make the most of our summer. People like that are what make me crave adventures with the right people. You can always do fun things or go to cool places, but if you don't do it with the right people, the experience isn't necessarily the same or memorable.

I honestly cannot thank Alyssa enough for inviting me because I don't have many friends. I rarely get invited to things so when I do I get excited, but Alyssa is different. She doesn't treat me like someone she half-invited, she treats me like I planned it and keeps me involved in everything. That's probably how someone invited should normally be treated, but I have had my fair share of half-invitations and it is not the greatest treatment. Alyssa, she's just opened my eyes to so many things and she's intelligent when you really listen to her. She's one of those people who, you can tell, has been through a lot and that only makes me appreciate her even more. She reminds me of my older sister, Aureanne, who I love and admire ten billion times more. Anyways, I hope everyone finds an Alyssa because she is one of the people that has actually brought me out of my "good girl" shell and I would love to thank her for that.

Today inspired me to add something to this page that I never really thought I would share with anyone, but I'm going to add my bucketlist somewhere on here. The list isn't in any particular order, but it also ranges from ridiculous activities to the smallest things that probably won't seem to make a difference to someone else, but they all matter to me.

Much Love, Iris Rae

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June 5, 2016

Well Happy Birthday to my not-so-baby-sister, Yasmeen. You’re taller than me and most times stronger than me, but I’m still older than you by 5 years. Much love to my favorite thirteen year old. 

Last night my family and I went out for Yasmeen’s birthday and I can honestly say my family wasn’t a terrible mess. We were bonding and having fun. We went out to watch Alice Through the Looking Glass and even though it didn’t follow the book, AT ALL, I still loved it because at the end of it, the movie is about family and appreciating them because you only have one. Then we went out to eat where we all talked and joked around and it turned out great because we rarely do that. We had the greatest time and I have never really appreciated my family more than I did last night. It became one of those moments you want to capture in photo, but you can’t. 

Happy Birthday, Yasmeen. Have the greatest thirteenth birthday. I love you 

Much love, Iris Rae

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June 3, 2016

My sisters and I are ridiculously close to each other; we tell each other everything, we have the most insiders ever, and we are always there for each other. We have such a close bond and honestly, that is the number one thing I’m afraid of losing when I move away for college. Yeah, I’m moving about an hour away, but I’m used to having them a door away. 

Since this is “my last summer” we created one rule so that we would be able to spend a decent amount of time together without actually restraining the others from being social. (This rule was created on Tuesday.)

Rule: You can never go out more than 3 days in a row and if you go out on a fourth day it MUST only be for half of the day. 

It sounds a bit controlling, but we don’t have many friends anyways. Like I said we’re really close and we’re each other’s best friends.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you spent the time to. Much more to come! I just have to find a way to keep uploading my vlogs! 

Much love, Iris Rae 

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May 31, 2016

I graduated from high school five days ago and I felt like I hadn’t really made the most of my high school years. I felt like every year of high school I waited and waiter and waited for summer to come so I would finally be out of school, I never made the most of these past four years. So during the last five months of my senior year in high school, I attempted to make the most of every single thing I did and honestly it was great. I started saying yes to everything and going out when I was invited instead of lying and saying I was busy, not to say that Netflix isn’t my friend anymore because it still is, but I felt great experiencing the best things. I want to share it with the world, I want to leave my mark and this is the best way I know how. 

I also have a YouTube channel where I post vlogs of things I did during my senior year and things I will be doing over the summer. I’m not really sure how I’m going to upload videos because of the laptop I’m using, but I will definitely be uploading them as often as possible. 

Much love, Iris Rae