iwonderifyouknowhow

[iwonderifyouknowhow]

Entry #1

Hey Tumblr!

Long time no nothing. I've decided to try to put what I'm feeling and going through right now into words. I've never been good at communicating my feelings. I guess putting these feelings, emotions or sentiments here will do me wonders (will save me lots of money instead of going to a shrink lol jk).

The past few months haven't been the greatest. Recently finished a gruelling 4-month career course; which was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I wish the circumstances during that course were different. Before starting it, i was looking forward to it but instead the course was filled with disappointment and heartbreaks. I just keep telling myself that the good times i had with my friends outweighed the traumatic experiences. Fake it til you make it baby.

Weeks after i graduated this career course, i found myself longing and going back to the things i used to love when i was a teenager and in my early twenties. Glee, Naya Rivera, Dianna Agron, Taylor Swift, Swiftgron, Laguna Beach, HBO Girls, anything and everything pop culture. Hearing Glee Cast songs and Taylor Swift while I'm driving feels like going through another dimension. I often find myself in autopilot, when i snap out of my trance I'm wondering why I'm still alive and haven't caused any road accidents lol. I've recently gone binge watching Dianna Agron's films, Hollow in the Land, Novitiate, As They Made Us, Clock (though haven't finished this one yet).

As for my career trajectory, I am due for promotion later this year but it doesn't give me any fulfilment or happiness. I miss feeling happy and full of joy. Maybe the reason i do not feel any joy in my job right now is the lack of freedom. As of this moment, I'm thinking of resigning next year or early 2025, just need to save some more and move to another country. I wish I'd chosen a different path in my life, i wish i fought for my dreams of being a photographer rather than my current profession. I envy people who followed their passions instead of following something that puts extra letters attached to your name. Hell, I'd rather be a bartender or mixologist in a foreign country right now than continue my current job. I wish i was braver and defiant when I was younger.