iwonderwhyitrysohard

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

Well well well well well well well!!!

i got sick again. are you guys shocked, i know i am!!

haha not really, i was shocked it took so long. at this point i’m theorizing my stress has a direct impact on this stuff. not that stress can have an impact, specifically that my stress is the one factor i keep seeing.

i had my surgery, disappointingly or luckily ,depending on how you look at it, nothing was found. my doctor said that doesn’t mean we are in the clear but it’s a good start at least. i’ve been healing ok, maybe a bit sore but otherwise good. then sunday it came ‘round: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, the whole nine yards. i ignored it until the chills and hot flashes set in because that’s usually a bad sign. went to urgent care, and suddenly this morning i feel ok again. i’m suspicious but i’ll leave it be for now

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

you know what’s a weird feeling? spending your whole life thinking you’re so dumb and never going to amount to anything. only to make it out of the bubble of high school and be smarter than so many other people is so weird. i went to a high achieving high school, so college is actually easier than my junior year. i’m not dumb. i never was, i just kept comparing myself to literal geniuses

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

oh god i’ve got another uti. the bane of my existence. the main reason i end up in the ER…

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i didnt die

just in pain, working hard, getting stuff done, trying to schedule surgery, its a lot

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i really dont know how im still here. if every emotion i feel is so extreme that i have somatic symptoms what do i do? just sit there and letit consume me? i feel like a bad person. i feel like i mess up all the time and ruin everything for everyone else. the whole idea that if i dissapear only a few people would truly care does feel real. i dont even get that sad when i think about it. when i think about dying and disappearing and being forgotten. it doesnt even bother me. sometimes i get a feeling like maybe today is the day i die. and its never right. but one of these days it will be right. i cant say im prepared for that. i really wanna disappear. just not be here. i dont care that im good to some people, for some reason i care that everyone likes me. all the time. but im sick and depressed and barely have a passion for life any more. thats not good. im on anti depressants and theyre helping i can tell they are but some of my mental issues arent possible for me to overcome. not that i cant deal with them, more that they never go away. ive got the genetic type of depression. the chemical kind. the kind most people think they have but dont actually. my serotonin receptors are shot, i have to manufacture happiness to feel something. ive heard my family members say the same things ive said in private and had that sinking gut feeling, knowing that this condition runs a lot deeper than i'll ever know. i constantly feel like im about to get the news that someone in my family has taken their own life and its terrible. every text i get every phone call, im hoping that wont be what i hear from the other side. but then i also wonder if one day thats gonna be the call my family gets. that i just couldnt keep fighting it and lost. and i hate that idea. i hate the idea of losing this fight. but also after its all said and done the depression will always be there. i dont think of it as a bad thing so much anymore. i mean i know it isnt good but i dont feel bad about it being a part of me unless it flares up. im just rambling at this point, typing and typing in the hopes that either nobody notices me in the corner of the classroom, shaking and holding it in, or that someone notices, and saves me. from myself i guess. i feel like if i try to speak i might cry or throw up or just nothing will come out. i let a friend down on a project. that caused this spiral. if i cant even function through a friend being slightly disappointed in me how the fuck can i ever function? thats terrifying. to have something so small send me into a spiral where i contemplate if life is worth it. i think thats what bothers me. if a few words can hurt me so badly i cant eat or drink or speak and they werent even mean words how do i continue to make it through?

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i wish i could worry about the same stuff as people my age sometimes. but since i cant lets talk about something else i deal with that i actually think should be shared by more people.

fun fact: i have like no eyelashes! ive been growing them out for a few months now. i have a condition called trichotillomania. basically a compulsion to pull my hair out. started with my eyelashes, removed an eyebrow or two, and even took out the entire front of my hair.

the hair loss was enough to get mean comments and snide remarks. the eyelashes are easier to hide since i can use eyeliner to mimic lashes.

i grew my head hair back in 2019-2021 and i did a really good job. i still get the compulsion to pull my hair but im working on it constantly. i have a small bald spot on the like exact area where all of my hair parts but its easy to cover and im working constantly to redirect my behavior.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

im so fucking tired of emotions and feelings and people and situations. i feel like all i do is complain because it sucks. i dont want to do this anymore. like not even in a depressed way im just annoyed. i dont wanna do this! i dont wanna put up with this anymore. my time is constantly consumed by other things. i grasp at a few hours to sit down and stop doing stuff then feel immense guilt for it. i try to use class time to do what i need to but theres too much shit. im supposed to be this impressive 20 year old but i just dont know that i am. i feel like im marching towards my own death. i wanna run away. get in my car and just leave everything behind. but also i love what i have here. i love my family and my pets so obviously i dont wanna really just leave. but sometimes i wish i could scare people bad enough for them to care. you think that being hospitalized with near kidney failure would net me any fucking sympathy with some teachers but nope! i have one professor who just continues to be a dick. do i have to spell it out? how can you sit there and tell someone who is so terrified of their own body that the stupid amount of work you've assigned is more important than anything else. how can you seriously think that? im dying. i could get an infection that kills me any moment. i live my life in fear. that at any second something will dislocate, something will fail, something will mess up and i will be back in the hospital. screaming about wanting to die. im upset. and i want someone to fucking validate this. but if i talk about it people pull away. nobody wants to care about someone as sick as me. im angry. im tired. im so fucking done.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

being the youngest person in the waiting room and getting looks from everyone else is just… the worst. they’re calling everyone before me because why would a 20 year old be here? Probably waiting for a parent or grandparent right? no way that’s the person who needs help.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

just a little bit more. i just have to keep trying and pushing for a few more weeks then itll be a bit easier. the weather will be warm. i'll get to breathe. take a glass blowing class, travel, idk stuff other than "RESEARCH PAPER 432432 CHILDREN GET DEPRESSED WHEN PARENTS TELL THEM THEY ARE WORTHLESS!?!?!?!?!?"

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

UGH!

so tired of things to do and people to send emails to and just stuff. im physically unable to carry my laundry to and from the laundry room now and luckily my mom was willing to buy me a little cart thing so i can do it but still.

a friend was jokingly making fun of how much laundry i hadnt done and how its all in a pile on my floor and it was just.... really embarassing. i dont really like to admit that i struggle to do things like dishes, laundry, and bathing myself sometimes, but i know i do. since i have to worry about the upkeep in my apartment i barely leave time to do these things.

i feel like the one thing that would make me just sit down and do it would be if my boyfriend spent less time with me. but i dont want to do that since he kinda is helping me get through my days.

but even then i feel like a burden to him.

i have so little motivation to do anything but school at this very moment. i have ultrasounds and an invasive procedure scheduled now but its like whats the point?

not in a "i want to die so nothing matters" way.

Just why? Why am I still pushing so hard? To get the highest grades and study and all of that while these other areas of my life get harder and more difficult to manage.

why do i still care sooooo much about my body and weight when i clearly have other things to be worried about?

why do i keep doing things like this to myself?

introspection is a big part of how i navigate this experience. and sometimes i guess i need to posit these questions and hope something will click for me.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

not bad news not good news. nothing ever grew from the cultures so next step is to check for structural issues with my kidneys. that’s the leading theory. he didn’t know much abt it since it wasn’t his field but i really felt like he cared!

sitting in the doctors office. waiting. i hope they don’t tell me any bad news!

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

sitting in the doctors office. waiting. i hope they don’t tell me any bad news!

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

curious how many people also had this happen:

were you ever told that you may have fibromyalgia, but due to the stigma around the disorder they wouldn’t actually diagnose you with it? they told me they would treat like a fibro patient, which i guess meant they didn’t plan on treating me and were gonna spend the next few sessions telling me i must have imagined the pain. but how many other people had something like that happen?

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

the best part about it all is that as i sit here, deteriorating mentally because i wasn’t prepared to be thrust into all this while taking 16 credit hours and working two jobs, that still nobody knows what’s wrong with me! honestly if the physical stuff doesn’t kill me im sure the mental stuff will. nobody can see it though. because i’m scared of letting people know i’d rather die than keep dealing with this pain. it’s not even an exaggeration. i’m just. tired of it. i used to say if i could flip a switch and turn off the world id do it all the time. what i really meant was that this is exhausting. and that the rest of the world doesn’t wait for you to get better. my brother is jealous of me for getting a good job while i’m still getting my degree. if he knew what my day to day was like i think he’d be a lot less jealous. i can’t take breaks, because my break was the hospital and ER visit i had to take. my breaks are literally just whenever my body is so worn down that i almost die. that’s crazy right? i’m lucky to have jobs that understand and bosses who are compassionate and want me to do well. but it won’t be like this forever. i’m cherishing what i have but the knowledge that i landed in a good spot and may not have it later is kinda scary. i try to end every post like this on a more positive note. i like to be happy. but today it’s just a bit hard. so i’ll do something small.

the weather is nice today. i like the way the few shines on the grass. this clay i bought is the perfect texture.

it’ll be ok

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i haven’t even done anything that i’ve felt good about in months. no art to show, nothing. the one thing i do to relieve my stress has been pushed to the back burner because of everything else. i don’t enjoy anything anymore. i hate it. i want to feel happy again.

sometimes i think i forget that i suck. i’m stupid. i don’t remember stuff. i was never as smart as everyone else growing up. i was always behind. and even though i wanna think that’s changed it hasn’t. im stupid. it doesn’t matter if i write stuff down right as it’s said or if i put things into my calendar. i get it wrong or i mess it up or somehow just make it worse. im just the best at being terrible. i want to fight to live but a lot of days i just don’t see the point anymore. why am i fighting for a life that so clearly doesn’t want or need me in it? i don’t even have the motivation to give up anymore. so im stuck in a limbo of stressing myself out so much and wanting to just end it and let myself rest finally or being ok with life. i almost hope that i go in for these next few appointments and they tell me im dying. so at least the guilt of having done it to myself won’t be there. im constantly in pain, im not very smart or funny, like i just am not worth it. im not worth the energy it takes. and yet im still fucking here! i can’t even tell if im too much of a coward to try again or if i really am just content with life. everything is the same. every day is the same.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

sometimes i think i forget that i suck. i’m stupid. i don’t remember stuff. i was never as smart as everyone else growing up. i was always behind. and even though i wanna think that’s changed it hasn’t. im stupid. it doesn’t matter if i write stuff down right as it’s said or if i put things into my calendar. i get it wrong or i mess it up or somehow just make it worse. im just the best at being terrible. i want to fight to live but a lot of days i just don’t see the point anymore. why am i fighting for a life that so clearly doesn’t want or need me in it? i don’t even have the motivation to give up anymore. so im stuck in a limbo of stressing myself out so much and wanting to just end it and let myself rest finally or being ok with life. i almost hope that i go in for these next few appointments and they tell me im dying. so at least the guilt of having done it to myself won’t be there. im constantly in pain, im not very smart or funny, like i just am not worth it. im not worth the energy it takes. and yet im still fucking here! i can’t even tell if im too much of a coward to try again or if i really am just content with life. everything is the same. every day is the same.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i'm still in so much pain, its definitely annoying. but ive been making it through my work, I said something during a zoom meeting and the team laughed, things are ok.