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in this house we watch shows we have no actual interest in solely for JODIE COMERRRRR I LOVE HER

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it’s amazing seeing how happy i was in my last post, but unfortunately that’s most definitely not the case now. i’m not exactly unhappy for the past couple days i’ve been pretty listless.

okay wait so last post i was still in the pining over katelyn and being depressed stage, so it makes it really funny that we talk again. like, i don’t think it’ll last because i’m not really that invested but we talked regularly for a few days. i want to disappear from everyone and that may be because anya dipped? like. full on left me on read, liked a meme i sent, ignored everything else.

i’ll keep that thought there because deleting things on something like this isn’t too cash money of me, but i don’t think that’s true. i don’t care about her that much? but i don’t like talking to people. i think i’m just having an introverted phase right now. or permanently. it ain’t my problem anymore.

life updates:

corona fucking sucks obviously, and we need a motherfucking vaccine soon or i’ll go insane trapped in here with people dying outside (one of lydia’s teachers fucking died do you know how real this shit feels/is) 

annabel got her fuckin evercore offer after studying for like literally a week straight and being mopey for another two days cause they thought she got rejected cause they didn’t reach out. she’s gotta catch up to all the school she ignored though so there’s an issue for her. she ain’t getting to the bass guitar anytime soon. (accounting~)

got this computer

spring break is ending soon, it’s friday right now (funny we got a break). being stressed about school might make me feel better than being this listless.

binged season one of killing eve and it was fucking amazing and i wanna binge the rest of the second and third season in one sitting. 11/10 crushing on villanelle (if you aren’t when you read this again fuck you do you even remember how attractive she is and how cute her smile is because it’s a really fucking cute smile)

we’re adopting a fuckin cat!! we’re adopting a white cat with longish fur and an aesthetic radiating elegance!!

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today was a really nice day and i was singing happy songs (the ones i could remember anyways) and like it was juts really nice

we had finals but they were easier than i thought they’d be and hopefully they won’t blindside me by fucking me over but they probably won’t ‘cause i only need a minimum 60% on that test.

[AND I JUST GOT THE GRADE BACK I GOT AN 86 WHICH ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH BUT IT STILL MEANS I PASSED]

katelyn waited for me after the test. she definitely did.

we’d both gone past the 3:30 time but i was still a little slower than her and i ended up rushing through the last few questions i’d had trouble with, because i kNEW she was lingering and if it means i got an 86 so fucking be it she was waiting for me.

i’d spent the first break home getting food so i hadn’t been bothering her at all that day and i felt bad and everything but like i was sure she didn’t actually want to interact with me but then she freaking waited. that’s a good note to end math enrichment on i’m actually just so freaking happy about that.

and then yeah she said bye this time. if that doesn’t make sense to ya wellll that’s probably a good thing it means you ain’t overthinking this shit no more and soon i won’t be either because math enrichment and interaction with her is over.

but also she’s been interacting with my stories and even if that does die off it still makes me really happy to see her profile picture and that she’s said something goddammit i’m useless

anyways yeah me and amit chilled after math enrichment on the roof again until 6:20 listenin to music and talking about high school and how he’s actually apparently over julie and then he did an awful pole dance and tried to do it without a pole he’s dumbbbbb

and then i went over to creekside to visit a practice and son i am NOT rejoining that team i’m going there for a season for my fitness then i am OUT

anyhow gotta go hot tub now so goodbyeeee

i’ve been having a good time :,)

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so i haven’t been on here for a while but hey it’s been a pretty good time. talkin to katelyn, talked to amanda and hopefully sorted out our issues? (i might address that later haaaaa) 

anyhow i’ve met with friends a lot and it’s just been nice, i should write daily though ahahaah because i can’t remember sHiT like this.

i met with amanda today and we just drew at the mainstreet roof, we vandalized the wall ahahahahaaha it’s gonna be there forever it’s fuckin watercolor xD

i dunno what to say man. thursday (it’s tuesday now) amit amanda and i are gonna meet up too, and apparently friday i’m meetin with charlotte now.

charlotte’s got someone they’re INTERESTED in at their writing classssss, and i really need to get used to calling them they/them because i’ve got my brain conditioned to call them a she and i am NOT hurting my damn friend like that. i typed it as she just in this paragraph and god i’m awful with pronouns.

but anyhow yeahhhh hopefully that goes well for them. i’ll write about them more often so i get used to the they/thems.

i haven’t talked to leisha a lot and that’s not good :( i’ll try to talk more

but thursday is fucking finals we have like zero time left in math enrichment goddamn

i should be studying man i really wanna skip to precalc

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i didn’t pay attention to chapter 10 2 trig at aLL today oh god i’m gonna fail this test xD

man can i stab whoever thought up the daily tests idea

it was annabel’s borthday today that was pretty chill cool beans

i met up with amit and ananya at barnhart park today and i think amanda’s kinda getting self esteem issues again because she was ignoring us and it was probably because of the meet up. ananya told us that amanda says she regrets introducing me to her friends because it feels like i’m befriending them and replacing her and god yeah i’m an awful friend but we knew that already.

tunnel vision haha.

but still. even so i’ve had a shit ton of fun today and human interaction and just it was very very nice. i shrivel up without human contact end my extroversion man.

dino boy, he gonna die no boy, lieks to cryyyy no boy, a little shy no boy likes to cry no boy, a bad child no boy sister’s a ten and he’s a nine no boy, never gonna shine no boy

also also also also also also also also aLSO 

kent has fucking practiced with the women’s national team. i’m fOURTEEN AS OF NOW AND SOMEONE MY AGE HAS PLAYED DEFENSE AGAINST ALEX MORGAN AND TOBIN HEATH

i really need to play on a better team i wanna get into college soccer and also just that really cool shit.  traveling and all that. we have money but jsut not enough to pay for four childrens’ tuition. we can probably afford higher level soccer. and also just. the vibe. of driving at 5 pm to the practice to that dark turf field lit up with those lights, walking to a team, just that heightened sense of excitement and anticipation and the feeling of god i’m on a team, this is soccer this is unity this is the most amazing feeling in the world

i really don’t want to stay in cupertino fc 

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so i went to the pride festival yesterday but we skipped out on going to the parade today. it was really nice we had a prepride party and all that and i got to meet annabel’s friendos who were all in college or already freaking graduated (i’m currently in the summer before entering high school). it smelled like freaking weed and i saw at least three dicks, and i ate peanuts like a fuckin dumbass within the first minutes, but it was still a really cool experience. 

today annabel and i chilled at the pool from like ten thirty/eleven to 12 and i finished reading never let me go today. it was really dang nice. after that at 3 pm salmon picked us up and morgan annabel and i went to her house for a bit and then went for a hike and it was hella cool beans even though my walking is still dead because i’m either putting too much weight on my left or i’m putting too much weight on my right. i have to focus hard if i wanna keep balance :/

butttt i met hydro (droggo) and juliet and ophelia (miiiiice) and spike and matilda/tilly (rabbbbit) and dusty the bird :,)

mice are adorable and i love them and hydro seems to be okay with me and he poked my face with his wet nose and i felt so loved :,)

aND the mice would crawl from my hand up to my shoulder and then to like my neck and into my shirt and hoenstly it felt weird but i felt so loved :,)

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and everything i feel from this word is pure hatred, ruthless dehumanization and the deaths of thousands of us.

faggot

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faggot

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i really just went through half a year’s worth of worsts and the shittiest mental health and stability i’ve ever had in my life, and no one cared :/

this is why you gotta stop caring so much about school people man. they’re friendships held up by contact, not by any strength  of your relationship.

there are exceptions of course but in this case, well. my only close friend is yet again amanda. i guess lawson did let me meet charlotte and we still talk though.

not any of my actual school friends though, the ones i spent three fucking years sitting with only to just lose contact completely with.

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today wasn’t a great day, and i won’t go into specifics because hopefully you won’t remember. it’s not important what happened, just that today kinda sucked. i cried.

i should get up earlier to write my letter for the day. i’ve only written one. 

we’re going to pride on saturday, for the festival rather than the parade on sunday.

maybe that’ll be a nice time.

wrote more lyrics today. that’s always indicative of a delightful day. i should write for my story too shouldn’t i. just develop crimson mordant and vita a little more too.

i should also code. if i summer were to end tomorrow and i would think it was wasted, it means i haven’t been spending this time well enough. 

things to do: 1. study ch. 9 2. go through ch. 5 and ch. 6 3. maybe ch. 10 4. couple of coderbyte challenges 5. self defined productive stuff

that’s all i have to do this summer. coding challenges. math. my own productive stuff. i’ll be sure to work on that shit in china. 

i’ll continue after i get caffeine.

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this is the final verdict now. i’m getting the fuck over her.

how do we do this? she’s just another person.

72 hours would pass, 72 hours would come and go, and it is the people i love the most that would not question it.

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also because i’m a loser and i overthink things and pay attention to katelyn too much i still remember today

me and the other dude were talking about cheetos cause i was eating them and he said i’d leave orange cheeto dust everywhere but i was like “no it’d be red”

so he goes “oh so you like the hot ones then?”

and here i am trying to be funny and suggestive like “oh yes i like the hot ones ;)”

aND THEN KATELYN FREAKING GESTURES TO HERSELF AND THEN ABSOLUTELY DIES AND I DIED A LITTLE TOO FDJKHASFASD ALKAS

her ego is getting biG

but also yes i asked for it by telling her i liked her xD

and by telling her that she was cute

and indirectly saying she was pretty

...

yeah my gay ass needs to like get a filter

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today’s been a good day, because i sat at the game table during math enrichment break and katelyn’s talking to me and i exist to her and leisha is supportive as hell of this endeavor and i still have four more weeks left and maybe maybe maybe we could be friends for this little while.

anyhowwwww what else what else us three went to the clubhouse today from like 9 to 12 to work but we ended up spending the entire time dissing mom’s parenting it was pretty chill. 

there was this whole thing yesterday and i think mom finally realized that we’re all on one side and she’s on her own. i also wanna go into politics now. and start a podcast where we make fun of things. that would be hella cool beans.

i got an 81 on the chapter 5 test :/

i’ve also been consistently late to class because i can’t make my lazy ass get up and get ready and i end up leaving at 9 instead of arriving a little before 9

i’m also really really hungry right now and i ate chicken nuggets but it’s still in that stage where the stomach is like “hungry but am acquiring food” where it hurts but you know you’ll be fed soon.

i’m goin to china soon also, next month july 25th so i probably won’t be able to write anything because communism™

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alright so apparently the date and exact posting time is automatically recorded i just didn’t find it so i’m pretty dumb.

anyhow.

i finally got around to making that folder where i bookmarked one of katelyn’s posts so i could continue bein’ a stalker even if she changes her username yeet

hmmmmmm what else.

i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’m not really friends with anyone from lawson anymore, ‘cause i don’t have any connections strong enough to hold through distance they’re already dying. can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if i’d stayed friends with katelyn till now? would we have managed to stay friends through summer? who knows.

but that’s advice wait. i’ll tag any posts with advice in em. don’t delete your fucking conversations with people. you regretted it with christina, you’re regretting it with katelyn. you have no idea now what your relationship with katelyn was like before all that shit now, because your fucking dumbass decided to delete that conversation.

alright what elseeeeee hmmmm. i met salmon yesterday, annabel and she were going swimming and i tagged along. got quickly it was pretty cool beans. salmon is honestly really chill. 

what elllse i have no idea man. i was in a coding slump but fuck that shit ‘cause i skipped over the stupid video tutorials (i cant stand watching videos) and i’m back to the actual lessons now. i would go coderbyte today too but i’ll save that for later man. don’t wanna use up all this motivation.

oH SHIT RIGHT I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING

IM HEALED.

if you’ve forgotten (though i doubt you will) i missed an entire goddamn season of soccer because my i have OCD on/in my nee so i was unable to do shit. but now i’m cleared and i just gotta slowly ease into running and soccer and all that fun shit it’s great. my walking is still shit though cause i didn’t do exercises for my hamstrings and there’s unbalance there :/

cya

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note

i can’t post my rant. can i post this?

i can. here it is.

and i told katelyn once i couldn’t talk to adults

and she asked why

and i didn’t know how to respond

“they seem fake” i said.

because mom has never not been fake, and bob’s never cared.

because every semblance of pride or caring or any mockery of love has been directed towards our success, our motivation, our worth as an investment. and it’s ruined my ability to talk to adults.

i’m never going to repeat that shit, mom and bob being able to control me through money because i’m in college and in debt and desperate.

i’m going to get a fucking scholarship, i’m going to get a job, i’m going to figure this shit out.

and i don’t trust them. i think it could be entirely possible that they will withhold funds or guilt trip me, and i’m not going to stay financially reliant on them.

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hide that i don’t care hide that everything of mine could vanish into thin air and i still wouldn’t mind

hide that everything worth keeping has already been lost

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note 2.0

so today i spent an hour blowing up a dinosaur pool floatie and i have no regrets it was pretty great i’ll attach a picture if i remember to find it and get it back on here. 

went to math enrichment with monstahhhh and it was nice i was awake even though i didn’t get much sleep and i haven’t slept today aside from that like three/four hours of sleep last night and i don’t even want to sleep.