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My Complicated Birthday

The last birthday message I received from my mom was on June 6, 2019, my 44th birthday. I never thought then that my mom would die 6 months later, although it was my biggest fear at the time.

Good morning sweet birthday girl. ⭐️. Wanted to be the first to tell you happy birthday! I also wanted you to know that I’m doing better today. Feel like I have a tad bit more energy so that you can enjoy the rest your time. I know you feel bad that you’re not here but there’s no need to. I’m so happy you were able to enjoy your time. So today have lots of fun. I’ll be thinking of you . I love you❤️

I was in Mexico with my husband on a trip that he planned for me months prior. It was a special trip because it was the first year he wasn’t working at Heroes planning a convention so we could go on vacation to celebrate my birthday! And I had nothing to do with the planning, I just got to show up. It was amazing. Except for the 4 nights we were gone, I had a lump in my throat and a constant knot in my stomach. Just 3 weeks prior my mom was diagnosed with cancer and 2 weeks prior she had a complex/scary surgery to remove the tumor that sat in her bile duct. The last place I wanted to be was on vacation. It felt wrong. I felt sick. Yet there I was. We didn’t have insurance on the trip so it would have been a complete wash had we canceled. My mom insisted that we still go, assuring me there was nothing I could do, my sister would be there to help her and she would just be resting and healing. So off we went with all our heightened emotions, anxiousness and doubts. Considering how sad, scared and nauseated I was feeling, Rico and I had some good moments on that trip. We spent our time relaxing- swimming, sunning, eating, drinking on repeat. On my actual birthday, I ate chocolate cake in the bathtub with a big window with a beautiful view. It was sweet. I talked to my mom everyday. We made the best of a really bad situation and tried to enjoy being together in a gorgeous setting. Looking back now, I think God knew I would need that time and the reset because what happened in the next 6 months was nothing short of hell on earth. My sweet mom never fully healed from her surgery therefore chemo was delayed and her cancer metastasized. She also suffered from multiple strokes in a very short timeframe. Watching the woman that gave me a birthday disappear and quickly leave me was gut-wrenching; I’ll never fully recover.

When you lose someone you love, holidays and celebrations are hard. Milestones are hard. It’s all hard. For me, my birthdays have become this complicated dance of deep sorrow and a fight for joy.

I love my birthday, I love being celebrated and spending time with all my people.I love taking a trip for my birthday, if circumstances align. I often say “I’ll celebrate my birthday as long as everyone lets me”- it’s fun and it’s an honor to grow old even though it can be scary, too. My mom also loved birthdays. She would call and sing to me. She’d write the most thoughtful message in my card. She would, without fail, give me $50, no more and no less. She would bake me a delicious peanut butter and chocolate hot milk cake if I requested it. The way I grieve and miss my mom when I wake up on my birthday is something I never expected. It’s one of those grief gut punches that I didn’t see coming. My mama should be here to celebrate her girl, yes even her 50 year old girl.

I’ve learned to sit with my grief on June 6th. I wake up sad & cry. I take my time getting the day started and I think of my mom. I may ask her to send me a sign that day so I know she’s near. I might read an old card she gave me, if my heart can handle it. I let my sweet husband and daughter hug me and cry with me. And then, I go celebrate, it is all about Darlene’s girl that day. Because here’s the thing, I refuse to lose the joy of celebrating my birthday because in celebrating my life, I’m also celebrating the most amazing woman who brought me earthside on June 6, 1975.

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Tentative & Hopeful

How I’m entering 2025, tentative & hopeful. 

2023 was the worst year of my family’s life, with 2019 right behind it, obviously. Suffice it to say the last five years have been filled with more sadness, struggle, trauma and grief than one person should have to handle. I’m proud of me & my family. My daughter. My husband. My sister. My niece. We struggled, we lost our ever loving minds at times, we weren’t our best selves sometimes; we are humans dealing with tremendous loss and pain, but we’re still standing. We all have fought for joy and have tried to heal the best we can and are learning to carry our grief with as much grace as we can muster. None of it has come easily. In 2023, not only was I in immense emotional pain, I was also in the worst physical pain of my life. At times, I thought I wasn’t going to make it. Slowly, very slowly, my pain turned from unbearable to manageable. As 2023 neared its end, I vowed to make 2024 the best I could starting with getting out of my house, traveling, spending time with those I love and doing all things I could not physically do the prior year. And boy did I- I visited 3 countries, 12 states (Virginia and Mississippi twice!) and 22 cities. I had girls' trips. I had family vacations. I had a sisters trip. I accompanied Rico to a few comic conventions. I couldn’t get on a plane for longer than 3 hours and there were no road trips more than 3-4 hours, but I made it work and got to see so many friends/family and visit places for the first time and returned to a few places.

As I sit here on the last day of 2024, I’m grateful for the year. It wasn’t everything I wanted and it had many stressful moments, but it was one of healing & adventure. Traveling is healing for me. I’m never happier and more content than when I’m adventuring with my people. And 2024 was that for me in many ways. 

I’m entering 2025 tentatively while holding hope in my hands & my heart. January will begin with a bang as I start a new job on the 6th! I’ve needed a change in the career department for awhile and I’m hopeful this is the start of finding joy & passion in my work again. Wish me luck! 

Happy new year, friends. May you find what you’re looking for & maybe find something you didn’t even know you needed. 

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My Journey with Grief

December 2, 2019, the day everything changed for me. In an instant, I was not who I once was. I watched the woman who gave me life, who was my biggest cheerleader and trusted confidante take her last breath and it shattered me. It’s a wild thing when you're suffering so profoundly and everything around you keeps going. I remember having dinner that night with my sister and stepdad,  and I was sitting there, probably in shock, but inside I’m thinking-why are we here, why are we eating? Just 3 hours ago, I watched my mom die. It is by far the most surreal and bizarre feeling. Worrying about work or my daughter missing school- so much of me was thinking “who the fuck cares about any of this”, but the thoughts were still there. Nothing mattered and everything mattered. I struggled more than most people are probably aware, other than my sweet husband. He had a front row seat to so much of my heartbreak, devastation, depression, anger, and rage. All my emotions were so surface level it was quite surprising and a bit scary.  Oh and the trauma, I cannot forget the trauma. Much of the first two years are a blur. How I survived, I don’t know. Well I do know, actually. Therapy. More  therapy (EMDR). God. My husband and daughter. My sister. My niece. A handful of friends that could sit in the uncomfortableness of my pain. And my ability to make myself sit with my grief. I told myself -you will feel every part of this and if that means you are miserable for years, so be it.  I was determined not to run from my immense sadness because I knew it would just be waiting for me. Or it would ruin my life in other ways, because unhealed trauma will do that. It took about a year plus before I even started to grieve the actual absence of my mother in my life. My nervous system was so dysregulated from the trauma of her illness and death, I spent the first year or more just trying to make myself feel safe and that everything in my life wasn’t going to blow up. The newfound fear and anxiety that surrounded my life after my mom died was horrendous. Around the 18 month mark, I started EMDR therapy to help with the trauma. I quit my job and pretty much all I did was therapy & any type of self care I could think of and afford. I was so scared to quit  my job but it was the best thing I did for myself. For me to be able to live with this deep grief that reshaped my whole life and be the mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend that I wanted to be, one that my mom was so proud of, I needed to focus everything I had on healing & learning to live without my mom. It was one of the most selfish times of my life and I have no regrets. It saved me. I’m beyond grateful for that year and a half break. 

Today, December 2, 2024, is five years, five long and five short years since my sweet, feisty, loving Mom left this earth.  I miss her so deeply. I instantly tear up when talking or thinking about her most days. I still cannot look at pictures of her and if I come across one unexpectedly, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can stare a few minutes longer than I could 5 years ago, but not much. I have one picture of my mom in my house, that’s it. They do not bring me comfort… yet. It’s a prayer and hope of mine that one day, I can have more pictures of her (and Brandon) in my home and when I look at them I might feel sadness but I’ll also feel joy to see their faces again. One day. But not today. 

Grief has been a really hard journey. I have surprised myself with what one person can handle and hold. I have been caught off-guard by how much one can change. One major surprise was how much my confidence took a hit when my Mom died. I remember when I was looking to go back to work, I was so hard on myself. I really thought I could not get back out there and be successful. I lost all faith in myself and I could not figure out why. After processing this disturbing revelation in therapy, I realized that my Mom was my biggest encourager and cheerleader. She honestly thought I was the smartest and most capable woman and I guess without her, I felt like that wasn’t true. Again, so odd and something that caught me totally off-guard. I hated feeling that way about myself. I knew it was a lie but it really held me back. With time, I put my big girl panties on and I got back out there and I encouraged myself. Even made a sign that hung on my bathroom mirror reminding  myself I am capable, smart, confident and all those things my Mama once told me. 

I’m not sure who I’m writing this for, mostly myself, I guess. I have felt for awhile I wanted to get down my thoughts on grief and the five year anniversary of my Mom’s death feels really big. It’s a long time to not hear your Mom’s voice, receive a hug and hear that she loves you and is proud of you. Thank God I had a Mom that told me all those things when she was alive and wrote them in every card she ever gave me.

I’ll continue my hard journey with grief until it’s my time to be reunited with my Mom. A few weeks ago, my daughter and I met for lunch and she was  talking about  missing her Mamaw and Brandon. She said with tears in her eyes “Mom I’m a happy person and I feel joy, but deep inside I’m a sad girl” and if I’m being honest, my first internal reaction was to try to explain why she should be happy and convince her not to be sad, life is beautiful, blah blah blah. But I did not do that, because that would be awful to say to someone who was being open and  honest with their feelings. So I just sat in silence with tears streaming down my face. And then she said “I don’t let it consume my life or my thoughts, but I’m sad inside” and I sat there and after the nausea washed away, I said “ honey, that’s grief. That’s exactly what we all feel. Me, Aunt Carmen, Lauren”. Everyone that loves deeply will eventually carry a forever sadness in their heart and for me, often my gut.  My girl described  grief so perfectly and beautifully. We will carry sadness with us forever but it doesn’t mean we won’t also find joy and happiness and be joyful and happy. Because in the end, life is brutal but it’s also beautiful. 

Thanks for reading, 

Forever a Sad Girl 

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RBG and my baby

When I saw that there was a documentary on the life of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, I couldn’t wait to see it and take Izzy. I bought her a book on RBG for Easter. Izzy is a girl that stands up for herself and others, she loves equality, she’s bold, she’s small but fierce, she’s smart and she’s an all around badass at age 13! I thought, she’s going to love herself some RBG! And I was right. We saw the movie together opening weekend. She wore her girl power shirt. We left the movie and she asked when we could see it again! It brought about great discussions and she even mentioned wondering if she’d like to be a lawyer or just doing something in the legal profession. You just never know what will inspire someone.

I knew Izzy would love RBG because of how hard and long Justice Ginsberg has been fighting for equality for women. Izzy began noticing sexism in the 3rd grade. She would tell us how boys would treat girls differently especially when playing sports. She used to get so upset and asked me if boys would treat her like a normal person when they got older. It broke my heart. She’d continue to correct them, stand up for herself and her friends. 5th grade was particularly hard in this department so I was so thankful that in 6th grade she found guy friends that treated her in a way that she felt respected and equal. Recently she told me a story about this boy making a comment that went something like “I can’t get a C in this class but women can vote”. Besides the look on my face of pure confusion of what an asinine comment this was,  I was dying inside because I knew how this was going to end and it’s pretty much with Izzy in that boy’s space (maybe even face ;) telling him about himself and his inappropriate and downright nonsensical behavior! I’m so proud of how brave she is. I have faith that this girl is not going to sit back while people are treated poorly or unfairly. She is a force and she inspires me. Oh and by the way, she finished 7th grade with all A’s for her final grades. She’s unstoppable, this one.

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Scary Mama

“I’m trying not to be scary when I’m scared” -Brene Brown

I was listening to For the Love podcast by Jen Hatmaker about a month ago. She was interviewing, well really chatting with, Brene Brown (Social Worker/Author) and Brene was talking about sending her firstborn off to college and she said the above quote. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She had succinctly said exactly what I think and am working on, myself. I’ve never heard anyone talk about it or say it quite like that. There was a part of me wondering if other people even struggled with this. I’ve noticed this about myself  but never really wanted to put any thought or work into changing it until I saw and felt it so clearly when I was in Africa. It’s so easy to justify our behaviors when we’re scared or afraid. It’s so easy to continue with the status quo, “that’s just how I am”, “I don’t mean to be a scary, but I was afraid”, etc. But you know what, it’s not okay. And it’s not just how you are or I am. We can change.

August of 2017, my daughter and I went to Africa (Uganda) on a missions trip. Izzy was 12 at the time and there was definite fear in taking her with me, but I fought through it and we went. On the 4th day of a 10-day trip, while at a medical missions field clinic, Izzy fell into a hole and scraped up her leg from her thigh to below her knee, and her wrist. Since she was not with me when it happened, the team leader came over to me and said “Izzy’s ok, BUT she fell and scraped her leg up pretty good. Dr. Winnie is cleaning her up and checking her out”. I sat there and just looked at her. I don’t even remember what I said if I said anything. I finished what I was doing and I walked over to Izzy, sitting in a chair, bloody scraped up legs and tears in her eyes. I instantly felt nauseated and fear came over me like the bitch that it is. I stood there and looked at her, actually I “glared” at her, that’s what Izzy told me later. And if I’m completely honest, I was mad and blaming her in my head. Why is she so clumsy, why can’t she watch what she’s doing, why wouldn’t she pay more attention, we’re in a 3rd world country, not Charlotte, NC, why didn’t she come to me when she had to go to the bathroom… all these questions bombarded my head, all stemming from being scared. Now, I’m not a monster so I said none of these things out loud. But then again, I believe my face said it all. Izzy was crying and she looked scared and I continued to glare. I continued to feel sick. I continued to stand there. I was terrified that her cuts might get infected, what if they get infected? What if she contracts a disease? The what ifs kept flooding my brain. I wanted to cry but I didn’t, I just kept glaring. And honestly, I didn’t know I was glaring at the time but what I did know, I was not compassionate or loving in that moment. I might have said, “it’ll be ok” but that was probably the extent of it. And for that, I am ashamed and embarrassed. And it was only after I was away from the immediate “danger” was I able to comfort her and that’s when she asked me if I was mad at her and that she was sorry. Please, turn the knife a little further into my heart, my love. I felt like a horrible mom. Just telling this story makes me so sad.

Dr. Winnie took great care of Izzy; her wounds healed beautifully. She put her on an antibiotic (which she brought for herself but gladly gave to Izzy) for 5-days just in case. She cleaned and changed her bandages for the rest of the trip. I was so thankful to God for protecting my girl from a worse injury and sending us Dr. Winnie who happens to be an infectious disease doctor from L.A. How comforting and what a blessing.

It was really only weeks later, after I was home, that I realized that this was a pattern with me. When I am scared/afraid/fearful, I am scary. And it’s not okay. There is something about the fear of Izzy getting hurt or sick, that just sends me into a spiral. I thought it was just in my head because I’m not one to show it on the outside with screaming and crying. But it’s all on my face, I guess. Thank God for me (and Izzy) she hasn’t been hurt or really sick much in her 13 years. But the times I have been really scared in regards to her safety or well-being, I haven’t been too compassionate. At least not until the immediate danger is gone or I’ve had time to process and tell fear she’s not welcome here.

After listening to the podcast, I talked to Izzy about the incident in Uganda and apologized for glaring and not being more compassionate. I told her it’s something I’m working on, not being scary when I’m scared. And I said to her if she ever decides to become a mom, she might understand a little of all the fears that were going through my head that day in Africa. It doesn’t make it okay but I think she understood a little more. She laughed and said “yeah you looked so mad when you were glaring at me”. Geez, thank God for a forgiving girl with a sense of humor. 

Always a work in progress. Parenting is hard and not for the faint of heart. Maybe I’ll get it together by the time she leaves for college. 

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My girl turns 13

I’m posting a bit early because we will be celebrating my girl turning 13 in New Orleans! She’s quite a sophisticated one, you see. When I asked her to name some states or cities she’d like to visit in the US, she named Wyoming, Maine and NOLA. The last one got me since she was 12 when we had this conversation. I asked “why NOLA?”. She smiled and replied “well, because of the food, mainly”. So Rico and I decided to take our budding chef and foodie to NOLA for her 13th birthday! Plus, Wyoming and Maine are just too cold this time of year. We’ll save them for summer vacations. 

I wrote her annual birthday letter. I’ll give it to her the morning of her birthday, 1-21-18. My little teenager, Lord help me :)

                                                                                                                 To my 13-year-old girl,

 Woah, the big 13!

Isabella Grace, you have been an old, wise soul since you were born. You acted like a thirteen-year-old since you were about two! You have always been wise beyond your years and mature for your age. Being your mama is just the best. I’m so proud of you. I not only love you, I really like you, too 😊 Here’s 13 characteristics that embody who you are. 

1.    Wise

2.    Kind

3.    Brave

4.    Good friend

5.    Stylish

6.    Believer

7.    Stubborn

8.    Beautiful

9.    Compassionate

10.  Fearless

11.  Selfless

12.  Sassy

13.  Leader 

Always remember Dad and I are your biggest fans! We are always in your corner and always have your best interests in mind.  

Never forget….

You are loved.

You are worthy.

You are enough.

You are a cherished child of God.

You are a bright light.

                                                                         Love, Mama

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Tattooed at 42

Tattoos. I’ve always liked them but have many opinions about whether someone has too many or whether the actual tattoo is just plain stupid. All these things I keep to myself because in the end, it’s not my body, so whatever. I’m glad I did not get a tattoo in my 20′s like I originally wanted. It would have been just plain stupid.

Leading up to my 40th birthday, I decided I wanted to finally get a tattoo. I had put it off all these years because I’m a baby when it comes to pain. I didn’t think I could go through with it. When I turned 40, I chose a few things that I have wanted to do but didn’t do, because of fear. So, naturally getting a tattoo was added to the list. It took 2 years, not because of my fear, but because of my husband’s decision to get the same tattoo as me (so sweet) and well, once he got involved it got moved to the back burner..... because he’s a busy man and tends to put things off. I’m not being snarky, it’s just a fact and I love him through it ;)

We finally decided on a design around June of this year. We decided to get it done after I got back from Uganda. So our fun August weekend getaway in Asheville was the perfect time. We got a recommendation from friends on the tattoo shop and made an appt. Happy to say, I was real brave and finally got my tattoo! And I’m so happy with the finished product.

Why grace? It’s my favorite word and favorite name, in fact, it’s my Izzy’s middle name. I love the idea of grace. God’s grace for me. The grace that I am called to give others which is not always easy but so necessary. The grace I need to give myself, too. It’s a meaningful word to me. It’s a nice reminder right there on my arm when I need it. Extend grace to others and myself. And the 3 stars... they represent me, Rico, and Izzy all living under God’s amazing grace. My 40th birthday “to-do” list has finally been completed! 

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A dream realized

Beautiful and brutal…. these two words sum up my ten days spent in Africa, namely Uganda. Nine years ago my heart’s desire to one day travel to Uganda began. Longer than that, I wanted to go on a missions trip. I wanted to share Jesus’ love and I wanted to be his hands and feet in another country. Six years ago, the desire to travel to Uganda became a goal, one that I would spend the next few years trying to make happen. I prayed, I spoke my dream/goal out loud, I researched, I emailed, I tried to make it happen but it didn’t. I let it rest and I was at peace with the fact that God knew the desire of my heart and it would happen when it was time.

Gloria is her name. My girl that I have sponsored for the last nine years. Izzy picked her picture out from a table of hundreds of kids that needed someone to come alongside of them so they could go to school. I had a boy in mind, but Izzy had Gloria in mind and I’m so glad she did. So you see, my heart’s desire was to meet Gloria and visit her beautiful country and meet the beautiful people of Uganda and do whatever I could to be a blessing to them. January of this year, I received an email from the director of AOET~USA (a child sponsorship organization) asking me if I was still interested in going to Uganda. She was taking a team in August if I was interested. This email was completely out of the blue…. cue immediate tears of joy! I almost immediately responded YES! but thought I should talk to my husband first ;) I called Rico and through tears, I told him about the email and I said “you know I need to do this” and just like the amazing husband he is he said “yes, I know you do”. I’m forever grateful for the man he is. He knows my heart. He supports me even when my love of travel and adventure make him nervous or even afraid. The next decision was to take Izzy or ask for Grandma reinforcements at home to help if she were to stay at home. I immediately wanted to take Izzy with me. Gloria is just as much a part of her life as she was mine. Also, have you met my kid? She is a servant at her very core. She would love to help and be a blessing to others. Although, the thought of taking my 12 year old to a third-world country away from her Daddy for ten days did not come without many fears and anxiety. It made everything about the trip so much scarier. What if she got hurt? What if she got malaria? What if we die and I’ve just left my husband without a family? It all came flooding in— the enemy will do that to you. He knows just where to get you— magnify your worse fears and try to keep you scared and afraid to live. It didn’t work though, we asked Izzy if she wanted to go, she said “is it safe?”. We discussed that there are always risks and then she said “yes”! My fearless girl. She was going to Africa with her mama! And that my friends, is how we ended up in Uganda and having the most amazing life experience.

Our trip began with a flight from Charlotte to Baltimore, a night in a hotel in DC, a flight from DC to Dubai and then Dubai to Entebbe, Uganda! Once we were in Uganda we travel 4.5 hours in a bus from the airport to where we were staying, AOET’s guesthouse in Bugembe. There we met Jaja Margaret. She would spend the next ten days cooking meals for us, sharing her brutal but beautiful life story, making us feel at home and just being all around awesome. Once we got to the compound and we met everyone on our team, I felt so many of my fears just melt away. It was so surreal to finally be there. Our team consisted of our fearless leader and AOET~ USA director, Laurie, a husband and wife team of doctors, Winnie and Wenchao and their 17 year old daughter, Jasmine, best friends and strong, lovely ladies Stephanie and Tiffany, and Christina and Lina, which are our dear friends that we planned this crazy adventure with– mom/daughter missions trip. The week would consist of two medical outreach clinics in two different villages, three days at the AOET schools interviewing children that are already sponsored and children that need sponsors. Also doing home and school visits.

I’m an emotional girl, that’s really not a secret. I cry easily, happy or sad, I don’t discriminate. I knew this trip would be hard for me emotionally, for Izzy, too. However, I really didn’t know how hard. I barely kept my emotions in check for the first half of the trip. Part of it was because I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that I was in Uganda on a missions trip with my daughter and friend. I was going to meet Gloria. It was all God. The other part of it was the poverty. The beautiful children with dirty clothes and no shoes that were bursting with joy when the average person would wonder what they had to be joyful about. The dichotomy of the country itself, beauty and devastation. The first time I read the interview that Izzy did with a boy that ate only one meal a day. The home visit we did with a Grandma that is caring for her grandchildren and 15 people live in a one room house. How she greeted us with a chant and hugs. How she brought out nice mats for us to sit on and treated us like welcomed friends. The tons of school children with ripped clothes and socks. The children once they learned our names would call them out on the playground– Izzy and Mama Izzy. It wrecked me. It all wrecked me. But something wrecked me like no other.

Joshua. He is my 4 year old boy. I began sponsoring this angel one year ago. AOET~USA posted a picture of Joshua and his twin brother, Andrew. They were looking for a sponsor for both of them. They were rambunctious boys that needed to go to nursery school! The picture captured my heart and I emailed my friend and she sponsored Andrew and I took Joshua. I really had no idea I would meet him on this trip. I knew they lived far away from where we were. Imagine the surprise when I learned I would get to meet him! Cue happy tears, of course. Those were short lived when I was told that Joshua was just getting out of the hospital after being there for a month and a half. He was hit by a boda boda (motorcycle/taxi). He suffered a serious brain injury. When I met him I could not believe the difference from the picture I have hanging on my refrigerator. Sweet Joshua could not talk or walk. He was pretty much out of it but some of that is due to the medications he’s taking. I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. I tried so hard to keep it together but I was unsuccessful. I had to excuse myself. I came back and sat with him and the social worker asked if I wanted to hold him. So, I did. We sat and I talked to him and just held him. Holding back tears and feeling so helpless. Stephanie came over and prayed over Joshua and his family. His prognosis isn’t great but I’m praying for a miracle. Please join me.

This guy and so many of the Ugandan children wrecked me in the best kind of way! Seriously, that face. I could barely stand the cuteness that surrounded us on a daily basis. These kids followed us around when we were in the villages or outside the compound. They played with each other. Took care of each other. Wanted to hold our hands and give us high fives. Touch our skin and hair. This guy carried that baby on his back for so long. It was the best.

Fear. Remember my biggest fear about taking Izzy? She might get hurt. Well cue my graceful girl falling in a hole on the 4th day we were there. Scraped up her left thigh and knee. We were at our first medical outreach and seeing her getting medical attention from the doctors just about killed me inside. This can’t be happening is all I kept thinking. I’m so grateful for the Dr. Winnie and Dr. Wenchao– they cleaned her wound, changed her bandages every night making sure she was protected and that it wouldn’t get infected. It wasn’t a horrible injury, as it could have been so much worse. It healed beautifully and now we have another story to add to our Ugandan adventures. And this mama faced her  fear and survived. There were tears and lots of prayers said that night before bed!

We got to take a boat ride on Lake Victoria and the Nile River. Seriously, who gets to do this?! So grateful. It was beautiful.

Gloria. You’re why I came. Meeting her was one of the most surreal and beautiful moments of my life. And if you didn’t already know, I cried like a big ole baby! It might have overwhelmed her, it’s hard to say ;) We hugged. We sat for over an hour chatting. Her and Izzy passed notes back and forth getting to know each other better. We took pictures. Izzy and I cried some more. We gave her a bag full of goodies– journals, writing implements, snacks, a photo album and a Giving Keys necklace with “Love” inscribed on it. She said thank you but didn’t go through it in front of us. She spoke very quietly but her English was flawless. She told me that it was a dream of hers that we would come. She commented on how Izzy has grown. You see, she has been getting pictures of Izzy over the years and they began when Izzy was only 3. She asked about Rico. She sent her love and appreciation to him. She thanked me for paying her school fees as she does in every letter she’s ever written us. I don’t know what else to say other than it was the best! And I’m so grateful.

When it was time for Gloria to leave, I was sad. It felt too brief. It was Wednesday. To my surprise on Sunday, the day before we were leaving, she showed up at the guesthouse to see us! She figured we were staying there and just came by with her sister. It was so amazing! She brought me a gift– a little serving tray made out of banana leaves. She was wearing the necklace I brought her. That made me so happy. We sat outside and visited for over an hour. It was so awesome. Her and Izzy talked, laughed and just acted like sisters. It was the best day! It was time for her to go. It was hard and I cried (shocker) but I will see her again. In my heart, I know it’s not the last time. I don’t know when but it’ll be in God’s time not mine.

Uganda, you are beautiful…your country, your people. I don’t want to forget a detail of what Izzy and I experienced, the beautiful and the brutal.

AOET~Uganda and AOET~USA are doing amazing work and are really making a difference in this country. If you are reading this and have ever considered sponsoring a child, please do it. It matters, it changes lives and it’ll most likely change you, too.

[janisrenzi-blog]

Thinking about my favorite city 💖

[janisrenzi-blog]

The girl with the pretty eyes.

Six years ago today, I gave my aunt’s eulogy at her memorial service, thanks Facebook for the reminder. I’ve spent the last few days thinking about her because I remember the day we lost her like it was yesterday. It is the most gut wrenching part of my life’s journey thus far. My aunt was one of my favorite people. She was funny, smart, encouraging, uplifting, and just all around one of the best women I knew. While thinking about her eulogy, there was two things that I wanted to do--- honor her with my words and present those words to our friends and family without losing my composure, completely. I knew it would be hard but I had to do it, it was the least I could do for someone whom impacted my life in such a great way. Well, I was able to do it, but the whole time I was speaking, my leg shook uncontrollably. I was worried my knee would buckle and I would go down. No matter what I did, I could not get my leg to stop shaking. I figured if I did fall, my aunt probably would have gotten a kick out of it! Rico was also worried because after I was done, he told me he was on the edge of his seat the whole time I was speaking ready to catch me when I fell ;) What a guy.

I miss my aunt all the time. I hate that she doesn’t get to see my Izzy grow up, at least not on this earth with us. I’m sure she has a great seat above, though. I miss her encouraging words, her laugh and sense of humor, her pretty blue eyes.

Here’s what I wrote to try and give a glimpse of the woman I loved dearly. When I read it a few days ago, it brought me to tears. It took me back 6 years ago,  without the shaky leg but still the same heaviness in my heart. Until we meet again...

Good Afternoon- On behalf of my family, I’d like to thank you for being here with us. It means so much. In case you don’t know, I’m Janis, Tammy’s favorite niece. When I think of Tammy, these words come to mind…. Mother, daughter, grandmother, sister, friend, girlfriend, co-worker, aunt Strong, fighter, comical, spiritual, thoughtful, and encourager I want to focus on 2 of these words- Encourager and Aunt

Words are powerful, they have the power to build up a relationship or tear it down. “But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception” Hebrews 3:13

This is something Tammy did so well. She was not afraid to encourage, compliment, and praise. I remember so many times her saying things to me that built me up, made me feel good, special even. I remember one particular time – we were having a family dinner and I was talking to her, she looked at me, interrupted me mid-sentence and said “your eyes are so beautiful, I just love looking at them when you’re talking”. To say I felt good, even special would be an understatement. And what I realized is this is not something she did just with me. She treated people in general like this. She was so free with her words of encouragement, her compliments and her praise. She had such a big heart and she wasn’t afraid to show it or say it.

So when you’re missing Tammy, make it a point to go out of your way to speak an encouraging word to someone, praise someone, tell someone they have pretty eyes- make them feel so very special that in doing so, you keep Tammy alive in your heart and in your life.

My next word- Aunt- that’s what she was to me, a wonderful one too. I’m one of six nieces, and two nephews. The six nieces were especially close to Aunt Tammy because we were all born prior to her becoming a mother. So she got lots of practice with us and we loved every minute of it. Well, as I said at the beginning, I’m her favorite. However, as I observed, listened, spoke to my cousins over the last several months, as I watched all of us grieve at her bedside Iike someone was ripping our hearts out of our bodies, I realized something huge- everyone of us felt we were her favorite, how amazing is that? There was something so special about her relationship with each one of us that we all felt we were her favorite. It takes a pretty amazing person to make 6 grown-women feel that special.

As much pain as my family and I are in right at this moment, we know we are blessed. We are blessed to have had such an amazing woman in our lives. She will be with us always, because the heart that truly loves, never forgets.

Aunt Tammy, until we meet again.

[janisrenzi-blog]

I’ve been a wife for 15 years. Woah.

Happy Anniversary to my favorite person in the world! Doing life with my hubby these past 15 years has been so much fun. I feel like I must have done something great (or going to do something great) to be given a partner that is perfect for me. My husband challenges me, cares for me well, and loves me even better. Since he doesn’t take himself too seriously, we have so much fun and there is so much laughter in our lives. What more could I want…. oh, and he’s easy on the eyes, too! Thank you, Jesus, for this gift.

Rico, here are 15 things I love about you. You know I like my lists.

1. Sense of humor. You make me laugh all the time. You’re so much fun. 2. Work ethic. You’re such a hard worker. You care about everything you do and never do something halfway….. unless you’re given a ridiculous deadline, but even then. 3. The way you challenge me. Give me another perspective but you do so in a non-judgmental way, which is nice. 4. The way you build up other artists. Help them get jobs. Give them encouragement and just pass on what you were once given. 5. Your daddy’ing skills. You’re the best dad for our girl. She is the luckiest and she knows it. 6. Your silly t-shirt ideas. I know I call them stupid. But I still like them and the brain that thinks them into reality. 7. You let me be me (you know I really wanted to say “you let me do me”, but that sounded weird). The time when I went sky diving and you were scared and didn’t really want me to go but waited until it was over to tell me. I just love you for that. 8. You’re less of a procrastinator than when we got married. Kinda. 9. Your faith. You aren’t always upfront about it but I know it’s there. I love that we worship Jesus together as a family every week. 10. Adventuring together. I love traveling with you and exploring new places. I’ll never forget when you first snorkeled in St. Thomas ;) 11. Your husband skills. It’s like you’ve done this before. You’re really good at it. 12. Your character. You’re selfless, generous, and humble. 13. Your talent. I couldn’t be prouder of you. Not because of your innate talent but because of everything you have done to make yourself better at your craft. All the stuff you’ve done over the years that no one sees. 14. Your passion. You are a man of GREAT passion. Whether it’s for your work, art, food, your family, sneakers, and me. 15. Your handsome face. I know this is a shallow one that’s why I saved it for last. It’s just after 15 years I catch a glimpse of you across the room and I still think “damn that man is a hottie”.

Rico, you have been my best adventure. Thank you for loving me, caring for me and having fun with me these last 15 years. I’m so thankful that after all this time, I still like you and you still like me. What a blessing! I’m excited for the future and can’t wait to see where it takes us. I love you forever. Now let’s go to Bermuda and celebrate!

[janisrenzi-blog]

How will a man like Donald Trump being president affect my daughter?

This question kept me up at night a few months back. In fact, it was shortly after the election and the realization that Donald Trump was in fact the president of the United States. We were in Durham, NC at a comic convention. Izzy and I had joined Rico for the weekend. We drove from Charlotte and our friend joined us for the ride. We discussed the election results in the car a little bit. With Izzy in the car, none of us got too heated and kept it PG. Izzy already had lots of views and opinions on Mr. Trump being president because of her own research. She’s not impressed, to say the least. We spent the weekend hanging out at the convention and going to dinner with friends. Izzy and I were the only ladies that weekend. That is not always the case but this time it was. Izzy being the only kid around, that’s pretty typical! On the second night—Izzy, Rico and I snuggled into our king-size bed at the hotel, me nestled in between my loves. They fall fast asleep and I lay there not able to sleep. The thought that kept nagging me was how will this Trump presidency affect my daughter. I’m an adult. I’m a strong woman and I couldn’t care less what Donald Trump thinks of women and how he treats them. Actually, I do care, it just doesn’t affect how I see myself. But what about a 12-year-old girl? Her president thinks she should dress a certain way to be a woman. Her president thinks that it’s okay to talk about grabbing pussy. He displayed such disgusting behavior throughout the election and he won, he’s the big winner. Will this affect the way she thinks about herself? Her self- worth? Will this affect how she thinks about men? These thoughts were all too much for me and my brain. I felt stuck because I couldn’t get up without waking my people so I just stayed still… I thought, I prayed, I felt, I cried…. and after a while, I felt God remind me of who Izzy has in her life. He reminded me that Izzy has an amazing Daddy that is more of a feminist than I’ll ever be. He values her. He encourages and empowers her on a daily basis. She has a Mr. Jason that talks to her about the Hornets and the Panthers. He treats her like a person and not just some nuisance when she is the only kid around at adult events. He lets her hug him every time she sees him even if he might feel awkward. She has a Mr. Dusty that jokes with her. Asks about her drumming. Makes her feel seen and important. She has a Mr. Robert that sends her the best packages in the mail for no reason. Just to let her know she’s loved. He tells her he’s proud of her. She has a Mr. Chris that dances and acts foolish with her. He asks about her life. She has an Uncle Matt and Uncle Kheang that take an interest in her life. Encourage her to reach for the stars. She has a cousin Brandon that buys her the ugliest sneakers I’ve ever seen because they share a love of sneakers and he wanted to thank her for letting him use her room. I could go on because over and over, God gave me examples of the men that love my kid, value her and are kind to her. There was a peace that came over me. I cried some more.  But this time not because of sadness and fear, it was in sheer gratitude for these men and for God’s reminder that as my Izzy grows, she is going to feel worthy, loved, and seen. She is going to have very high expectations of how men should treat her because since a young age she’s had the best in her life. I think after three hours, I fell asleep with tear stained cheeks and a full heart nestled between my loves that never knew what had just transpired while they slept.

[janisrenzi-blog]

I like soft buns.

Back in December, Rico was invited to be involved in a taping of Diner’s, Drive-ins and Dives at JJ’s Redhots (his favorite restaurant if you didn’t already know that). He was so excited and asked me to join him. I said “no way”. I have no interest in being on television and I definitely have no interest being on television eating. Ask any chubby girl, it’s our worst nightmare! Rico was very disappointed and so I asked him a question that every intentional, supportive wife should ask “do you REALLY want me there with you?”. He said “yes”. So I swallowed my pride and said I’d go. So, I went and it was really cool to see how an episode of Triple D goes down. Guy Fieri was really laid back and easy to talk to. Once we were there, we were asked if we would be one of the two couples interviewed by Guy-- my anxiety is rising by the second. I'm thinking to myself, why didn't I wear all black? Rico is happily agreeing and I'm thinking I'm going to pass out now. We go in and sit down and things are moving fast- it's like a well-oiled machine. Food is brought to us, drinks... we're told to start eating, act normal. There's nothing about this that is normal. We're up next to be interviewed by Guy. He starts with Rico and then he looks at me, I say something, he notices I have an accent. What? Me an accent, no way. Then he asks what I like about my favorite dog, the Char Heel-- I say something about creative toppings and then I say "I like the soft buns". And Guy and I both, start cracking up. He tells Rico he's a lucky guy and looks at the camera guy and says "she likes soft buns". Guy gets up and leaves and the camera guy tells Rico and I just to keep eating while he films us. Again, worst nightmare. I left there thinking oh my goodness my 5 minutes of fame is going to be me eating hotdogs and talking about soft buns. So come this Friday night the episode will be aired at 9pm on Food Network. I'll be at a private viewing party at JJ's, watching nervously to see how all this will go down. I’ll just have to keep reminding myself that I was a good wife and I throat punched my pride that day. And seriously, why didn't I wear black?

Watch and enjoy a laugh at my expense!

[janisrenzi-blog]

My girl turns 12 tomorrow

It’s hard to wrap my head around that it’s been 12 years since I became a mom. Parenthood is a scary journey, filled with so many unknowns. The sheer weight of being responsible for another human being is not something I’ve ever taken lightly. I do my best to love her, guide her, make her feel safe in a scary world, and help her to be a woman of character and integrity. I’m so proud of my Izzy because she is the best person I know despite my failures. I wrote her a letter that I will give her tomorrow because I want her to be able to always go back to the truth no matter how she might feel. I don’t want her to let her feelings guide her in this life, I want the truth to be her guide. So here are 12 truths about my girl.

In honor of your 12th birthday, here are 12 things that make you special and make it an honor and a privilege to be your mama. 1. Your heart and your faith. You already know at such a young age to put others before yourself. I love that you are so free with your compliments of everyone around you. You use your words to build people up. You love Jesus and he shines through you every day. 2. Your sense of humor. You love to laugh and have fun. You’re a little sassy mixed with some sweetness. You’re a joy. 3. Your talent. Drumming, writing, sports, art, putting together an outfit… you are a well-rounded young lady. 4. Your fashion sense. I love your style. I love that you are your own person and that you hate Uggs and Crocs, too ;) 5. Your work ethic. You work hard in school and drumming. You strive to do well and do better if it’s needed. 6. You know who you are and to whom you belong. This is one of my favorite things about you because so many adults struggle with trying to please other people their whole lives because they don’t have a solid sense of who they are. 7. You don’t take yourself too seriously. This is a big one Dad and I have tried to teach you. You can laugh at yourself… like when you fall down at school and instead of being sad, you laugh and take your time getting up! 8. Your love for your Daddy. I love watching you two together. You have a special bond and I love the way you adore him. Never stop because he is the best Daddy out there. 9. You know your limits. As you’ve grown, we’ve had some pretty important and heavy conversations. You are open to hear what we have to say but you always know when you’ve heard enough or have enough information to answer your questions. Always trust your gut. 10. Your confidence. You’re strong. You speak your mind. You’re not afraid to stand up for others. You are a protector. 11. You’re a great friend. I love to hear you talk about your friends. You compliment, you protect, you learn from them, you teach them. They are lucky to have you. 12. You’re a wild feminist and a world-changer. Keep believing you can change the world and do it. Never give up. Never stop trying to make this world better. It doesn’t have to always be in big/giant ways but never stop being the light in the darkness.

I love you more than I could ever express. Thank you for always forgiving me when I fail as a parent. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it has brought me the most joy. Here’s to a great year of being a 12- year old! Always remember, I’m your biggest fan and you can come to me with anything and I’ll always be here to help and guide you.