jaxrants

[jaxrants]

Nvm we're back together now, I couldn't do it

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @beecha @purpleeggyboi @caretaleandotherstuff @evry1h8s-me

[jaxrants]

Well, I done it

Me and Val are taking some time apart..

For the best, or for the worst..

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @beecha @purpleeggyboi @evry1h8s-me @caretalesotherstuff

[jaxrants]

All bodies are beautiful!

*points to self in the mirror*

except yours

[jaxrants]

I just might be cooked chat

TW: Vent

So, most of y'all know about Valorie, my girlfriend. I'm not sure what to do. For a while now I've dreaded talking to her, hoping she'll find a reason to hate me and break up with me so it's easier. I don't think I'm ready for a long term relationship, but I don't wanna be alone. I can't imagine my life without her, and not talking to her feels weird. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about her. When I'm frozen and doomscrolling and don't feel like sitting up, or switching apps to message her back, I'm thinkiing about her, and how guilty I feel. Sometimes I imagine myself with someone.. closer, someone more feminine, and gods forgive me when I say this, someone who was born a woman. And while I hate to say it, sometimes I yearn for someone like that. But I also have this voice in the back of my head screaming at me that I'm not enough, and that I'm not ready. I've also found myself subconciously retracting from her, responding less frequently, busying myself with other things, falling asleep easier then I used to when I realize our call had dropped. Cause I used to be unable to sleep, or had to cry myself to sleep if the call had dropped, now I just notice it, and roll over and go back to sleep. I've felt this way for a while, even before we were taken from that house. But the second I stopped spiralling, I was head over heals again. I tried breaking up with her several times back then, and for a point in time, I was even thankful she had talked me out of leaving. Now I hope she finds some reason to leave me, someone better than me to go to be with.

Val said something earlier, before she went to bed. She asked me not to leave her. It felt disgusting of me to tell her I wouldn't, like flour caking my mouth. Like my brain and heart knew something I didn't. I don't want to break up. I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to be emotionally alone again.

I miss when I was so content with talking to her, now I get annoyed with her. Constantly needing reassurance, needing to make sure I'm okay every other sentence, if my face falls even slightly, she's worrying, backtracking, apologizing. She can't handle me leaving, I'm the only good part of her life. She's told me that several times. Who knows what she'd do if I did... Maybe I'm just burnt out from yearning for her touch for so long. I'm tired of fighting to hold everything together. I'm not okay. I'm falling apart, I don't know what I want anymore.

Sometimes I wish I was single again, no worries, being able to go and do things, being able to hang out with friends without feeling the need to look at my phone every three minutes. Sometimes, I just wanna be able to experience life. But on the other hand, I'm scared to be alone again, to have no one to cry to when my grandparents piss me off, to have no one to listen when all I wanna do is cry until I feel better. I don't know what I wanna do. I don't wanna cater to her every need for the rest of my life, but I also, kinda do. I wanna be a man, to step up, open doors for her, carry bags, buy her flowers, but sometimes, I just wanna be alone, I just wanna sleep, to chill in my room, to play my switch without checking my phone every ten seconds for a message. Sometimes, I wanna be single, to not have to worry about checking my phone every 5 seconds because someone will have a caniption fit, and be absolutely terrified that I don't love them anymore. But othertimes, I wanna talk to her, I wanna call, I wanna play games while she watches and holds me. I'm just scared. She's become such a big part of my life, and losing her would mean losing the majority of what I do in a day. I just really don't wanna be alone again, nor do I want to hurt her.

I just feel so bad, she's doing a lot for me, and she has done a lot for me, I don't want her to think I'm using her. The whole reason she got a job was to come see me, and if I break up with her, than all her efforts would've been for nothing. I'm just so fucking tired of trying to hold everything together. I'm slowly falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. I snapped at Val a couple days ago, I was responding to a message from mom and she kept asking who it was, who I was texting. I felt so bad snapping at her to give me a minute. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna hurt her, but pretending everything is just peachy is so fucking exaughsting.

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @purpleeggyboi @beecha @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me

[jaxrants]

Nvm, I have $8.10 left

I did buy, however

Untitled Goose Game

Thank Goodness You're Here

Poppy Playtime

Poppy Playtime 2

Poppy Playtime 3

Poppy Playtime 4

Garten of Banban

Garten of Banban 2

Garten of Banban 3

Garten of Banban 4

Garten of Banban 6

Garten of Banban 7

Garten of Banban 0

Sally Face

Yes I bought 14 different games

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @beecha @purpleeggyboi @evry1h8s-me @caretalesotherstuff

[jaxrants]

So uhhhh

I need help figuring out what games to buy, I already know a few, but I'll have cash left I think, and I don't know what to do after that TvT

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @purpleeggyboi @beecha @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me

[jaxrants]

Yoooo

Guess who just made a little over 130 bucheroos

ME BITCHES

Now Im gonna spend it all of nintendo games :3

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @purpleeggyboi @beecha @evry1h8s-me @caretalesotherstuff

[jaxrants]

Istg, this fucker keeps pissing me off

Every fucking night "That light better be off by twelve," "Don't give me no goddamn attitude," "I better not hear you in there laughing at 11 at night."

Every. Fucking. Night

And I don't even have a fucking attitude, I just have a bitchy voice

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, the reason I have an attitude (if I even have one) is because you don't leave me the fuck alone about it? You done this with school too because I was so fucking sick that I could hardly talk, but you didn't fucking believe me. Instead you treated me like I was faking, like I wasn't actually sick.

I cannot last another fucking week here

I just wanna go home and stay home

I'm tired of being here

I want my dad, and I want my mom, and my sisters

I wanna make paper stars with my older sister, and sit with the baby and hold her and play with her while mom cooks. I wanna run up to dad when he gets home and hug him, I want a hug. I want a fucking hug goddamnit.

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @purpleeggyboi @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me @beecha

[jaxrants]

I'm gonna cryyy

So y'all know mom gave me my switch when I went to dinner with her a dad last weekend, well I've been playing bendy for a while, but I had to change my account due to not being able to play sally face due to not lying about my age on my original account, so I lost my progress then, no issue, done it again and fixed it. Well I had 3 hours of progress AND MY FUCKING GAME GLITCHED AND I COULDN'T PROGRESS, SO I HAD TO DELETE MY SAVE FILE, AND START OVER

3 HOURS OF WORK, DOWN THE DRAIN

I'M GONNA FUCKING KMS

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @caretalesotherstuff @purpleeggyboi @beecha @evry1h8s-me

[jaxrants]

BET I'M GONNA MAKE 50 BILLION MORE TO STICK IN MY WALLET TO GIVE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE RUDE TO ME >:)

Want a picture of a dick?

Here you go

[jaxrants]

Want a picture of a dick?

Here you go

[jaxrants]

I WENT TO DINNER WITH MY DAD THE OTHER NIGHTTTT

Heres how it went :D

Me, my mom (stepmom), my dad, and both my younger and my older sisters went out to get some pizza. My grandmother on my dads side showed up too and brought some family with her.

She introduced me as my deadname, then cockily said "I'll use your government name." So that happened.

After we ate we went to the park and I got to hold Mira and swing and stuff. It went great. Me and Momo (my older sister) get along greatly.

I should be moving up there within 2 or 3 weeks thank god. Mom gave me my 3DS and Nintendo Switch, so that was really nice. She also gave me a couple books and travel snacks and stuff. I'm supposed to go spend the weekend this weekend with them, and I cannot wait. They do live 3 hours away tho.

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @beecha @purpleeggyboi @evry1h8s-me @caretalesotherstuff

[jaxrants]

I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling like aiming fakijg everything.. I regress, my brain screams that I'm faking, I start having a silent panic attack (one where I'm not hyperventilating) I'm faking, I feel dizzy, I'm faking.. I'm tired of feeling fake. I'm tired of feeling like I'm different from the other people who have these things

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @purpleeggyboi @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me @beecha

[jaxrants]

Why is this so confusing? I just wanna cry, why can't I cry?

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @purpleeggyboi @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me @beecha

[jaxrants]

I really need to talk about something

I was looking through Vals dad's facebook to get pictures of her little sister for her, and I scrolled upon a picture of my girlfriend and her ex. I can't stop thinking about it. It hurt so bad, I felt physically sick and hurt. I know she doesn't love him anymore, but it still hurts, seeing her happy with someone who isn't me. And it reminded me of the fact that I don't have any pictures with her. I don't have any pictures of me and her together being happy. It hurts so fucking bad. I hate it so much. I wish I would've stopped when I had the chance. It fucking hurts. It hurts seeing her happy with someone who isn't me...

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @beecha @purpleeggyboi @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me

[jaxrants]

TW: period talk, I'm pissed and cussing like a twelve year old that just learned how to cuss, honestly I'm just really mad and in pain so read with caution if anything to do with periods makes you uncomfy

WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK SAID "Hey, you know what would be funny? If we bled out our crotches and got crippling cramps in our ass and lower stomach. That would be hilarious. Oh and we should also feel like someone is ripping us open from the inside out and have lightning in our asshole so strong it feels like someone has shoved a tazer up there and turned it on."

I HAVE A COUPLE FUCKING WORDS FOR YOU YOU FUCKING DUMBASS FUCKING WHORE

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @beecha @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me @purpleeggyboi

[jaxrants]

It hurtsssss

Why can't I just be a man?

It hurts so bad

I can't sleep

I'm gonna be in trouble in the morning

I hate cramps

Someone kill me

I wanna dieeee

I hate this smm 😭😭

Istg, just because I don't wanna be a teen parent (can't become a teen parent due to distance) my uterus decides to say fuck you and wages war in the rest of my body practicing it's fucking karate in my lower stomach

@blooming-skeleton @luciluck2046 @salem-the-puppet @purpleeggyboi @caretalesotherstuff @evry1h8s-me @beecha