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I went to the movie theater this morning and watched broke back mountain ok the silver screen for the first time.
I know if i wouldn’t have done it I would’ve regretted it.
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I haven’t gooned in 3 days. I’m starting to feel like a nun
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A excerpt from my book “Beaneath the frontier sky” from chapter 2, “Ichabod”
As they rode side by side, Andy began to hum a tune, so sweet and slow it enveloped the moment in its entirety.
“Everybody loves somebody sometime” he softly said.
Javier had kept riding, but mentally he froze in his tracks.
The soft hum of the song was something he hadn’t heard in years, something he had completely forgotten about.
Not since Mexico.
Not since the war.
Javier sat underneath a cracked and run down roof. Next to him lay dead American soldiers, just outside the small building where Mexican troops. Yelling in Spanish, the sounds of canons booming in the background, musket fire echoing the open, hot, dry battlefield.
Javier looks to his left, outside a window, he sees the American flag flying high, he, like the Americans, wore blue, though dirt stained, wool pants. The white shirt he was wearing was so soaked in blood you couldn’t tell it was ever any other color than red.
Deep in his stomach was a large lead ball.
A small trail of blood runs from out of his mouth down to his chest.
Instinctively, Javier slowly puts his right hand in his pocket, taking out a single cigarette placing it in his mouth. Weakly he takes out a single match from his left pocket, he strikes it against the rough wall. He raises the match, and as the cigarette burns, he takes a long drag. He blows the match out and drops it.
He can do nothing but sit there and wait for death.
Javier slowly, with all of his remaining energy, softly sings.
“Everybody, falls in love somehow”
He feels the pain overwhelm him.
Things become blurry, he returns back to the road, but the pain remains. As it always had.
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The reason riding in the front of a car is called shotgun is because of old double barreled shotguns. Where they’d have two barrels next to each other. So two people riding next to eachother is called shotgun.
I just searched up the real reason.
It’s because back in the old west stage coaches for like banks and stuff where heavily robbed so a gates would ride next to the driver often armed with a shotgun to fight off robbers.
I like my version kinda better
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The Tony’s were last night and it was an amazing show. The peak of Broadway was experienced but now it’s time for a new season of Broadway. Time to raise the curtain (as if it ever closed) and new casts, new songs, new sets are making there debut soon.
Welcome to Broadway 2025/2026
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The door is shut, and the house is demolished.
I’ll whisper at where the house stood, I’ll sleep in separate walls.
I’ll walk down that row of palm trees and lights alone, I’ll let him know. I’ll tell him, I won’t invite him.
Sometimes I miss him so much I can’t hardly stand it.
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Love is the most disgustingly despicable and sought after thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of saying, it had, has, and will consume me. Love is all I am, it is the foundation of my soul, it is me and it is all i represent and everything I do everything I say and everything I think is all based on this stupid fucking feeling that has caused me nothing but pain and anxiety and suffering to the point of grief when the life i could have had flys by me.
The tragic thing about love is it’s everywhere, but it’s never where or what you need it to be. I’ve loved, in my lifetime I can confidently say I’ve loved a grand total of 2 people.
One is thousands of miles away and the other is 21 minutes away but wants nothing to do with me.
One is a man I met online through a horrible piece of shit, and the other I had met on my way to P.E. Over a rolling backpack.
One I talk to everyday, one I think about everyday. One I want to love I love him k love him so fucking much and there is nothing I can do about it. I love that man 21 messily minuets away. I love that man with all my heart that I would do anything for him even if it destroys me to never even think about him being unhappy. I love him with all I am, all I have, all I stand for, my love is a love that is killing me because if I don’t love him I have lost the ability to love.
This selfish thing we call love destroys us, it takes us and makes us pursue some person or thing or whatever because of what we feel.
He will never read these words, he will never understand how much he is to me. Everyday it gets worse and worse how much I love him. 2 months it’s been, one night while I was up late playing Minecraft. I suppose he assumed I would’ve been in bed. He sent me a plain message very short, when I saw it was from him I didn’t want to see too eager so I waited. Then I opened it, I don’t remember the exact text but the main line was “I don’t want to be friends anymore, I’m sorry you have to hear this again.”
I in the moment let out a few small tears, but it didn’t hit me. Maybe it was just the my being tired, but in the end. Me and him, as of now and probably, hopefully forever are now strangers. If I am ever in his town (definitely not by choice) and we see eachother I will be that of a tree, seen but disregard. Same to him of course.
We always talked about our dreams. No matter how much I loved him and no matter how much I’d want to be on a porch when we’re both old men. On a summer night, in some secluded house. Our dreams are just too different. A Hollywood director and a scientist living in Europe are just never meant to be.
He’s dedicated in my book. Just wanted to mention that. The second page reads as
“This book is dedicated to Caelus. Thank you”
If it ever blows up I’m glad everyone will know that name.
I must go to bed.
This has been me on the night of the Tony’s.
Be safe
Be loved
Be dead.
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Caberat in 2017:
“There was a scientists, and there was a pickle making machine. And the scientist turned himself into a pickle, and it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”
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“NO LITTLE GERMAN BOY DONT READ THE GREAT GATSBY”
“UND NOO ZE AMERICEN DREAM VAS KELLED BEFORE IT COULD BE VEALIZED”
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If I where to direct a movie I’d want it to be based off my book. I can see it, the beginning text being read by me behind a black screen. With the slow whistling beginning of “outlaws from the west” playing in the background. And just as I stop speaking, and the whistling stops. Boom it cuts to the maybe 15 men riding fast and hard, the sound of hooves beating against the ground with the music would define the whole thing
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The biggest mistake the main villain of my book “Beneath the frontier sky” makes is just antagonizing the main character while drunk. It’s a chain reaction which leads him to killing the main character’s husband and his dog, disrupting his life. Not knowing that man will be the same to ruin his life.
Because even if Jake did survive the book he wouldn’t be able to rebuild his life, his gang all of them are dead, he’s a lone outlaw, who’s ruined his life while blindly sealing revenge.
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I love seeing happy couples. It just makes me feel so warm to see two people so deeply in love. It makes me feel like I can have something like that one day
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If I ever in my later years am at a point where I put my hands on a woman. You can just kill me, just shoot me just get rid of me gng bc then you’ll know I’m not worth shit
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