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One Year Reflections

One Year. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. That is how long I have been alcohol free now. One full year (On January 2nd, 2020). It is so surreal and so miraculous that I cannot even fathom it. Last year, at this time, I was on a major bender, which would then end with me having an emotional breakdown. It felt like my world was ending. I knew I couldn’t live with alcohol anymore but I also didn’t…

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The BEST AND SAFEST non-toxic soap!!!!

The BEST AND SAFEST non-toxic soap!!!!

Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap

Dr. Bronner’s Castile soap. The best soap ever invented and the safest!!! I hate that it took me 36 years on this Earth before I found out about Dr. Bronner’s, so I am making a blog post about it. I cannot say enough about Dr. Bronner’s soaps!!! They are non-toxic and it is multi-functional. You can use this soap for anything and everything. Laundry soap, household…

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Health and Wellness

Hello everyone!!! It has been quite awhile now since I have written a blog post. Mostly because I have experienced many changes recently and I have decided to re-focus the topic of my blog, to health and wellness. Last year, in January 2019, I woke up and I wanted to change. I NEEDED TO CHANGE! My life was no longer serving me. I was drinking alcohol like a fish, chain smoking, eating crap, and…

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Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Anxiety.

I feel like it is something that doesn’t get talked about that much. Or maybe I just don’t talk about it that much. But I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. From when I was in elementary school. I also was shy and socially anxious. I was shy, nervous, and awkward around others but particularly boys. I can still remember when I was in 4/5 grade and my friends had to…

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5 Myths to stop believing about alcohol right away!!!

5 Myths to stop believing about alcohol right away!!!

When I first started drinking alcohol, it was to fit in with my friends. I remember that I was at a sleepover at a friend’s house. Me and my best friend took off from the party, despite protests from other friend’s that didn’t want us to go because they didn’t want to get in trouble. We snuck out to meet boys and drink beer. It was my first experience with alcohol. I remember it did not taste…

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4 months of sobriety and Reagan's Birthday!!!

4 months of sobriety and Reagan’s Birthday!!!

May 2, 2019.

120 days.

I have not written in at least a month. Life has become incredibly busy again in the last couple months. Which is excellent. I am working on something that I am hoping I will get to announce soon, just as soon as I know it is a done deal. I have also been working part-time at a small cafe in Lakewood. So far, I really love it!!!

Today is special for a couple…

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86 days today.

Me in front of the tree I “hugged”

I have not written a blog post in over a month. There are many reasons for this, which I will not go into right now, but let’s just say life stuff has been really heavy lately.  It is a common misconception that because one gets sober, that life suddenly becomes manageable and that all your problems just go away. This could not be further from the truth. In fact, getting sober does not magically make all your life’s problems go away. However, it does give you the clarity and tools to deal with life’s problems in a better, more clear-headed manner. That does not mean that I don’t still get overwhelmed with it all. It does mean, that sometimes, I still get irrational, angry, and irritable. These emotions are normal and they make me human. I have been suppressing and covering these emotions with booze and hard drugs for as long as I can remember. Rome was not built in a day (yea, cliche, I know) and neither was quality sobriety. I am finally starting to feel all the emotions and just that alone, can be daunting. It takes patience, understanding, and an insight into myself that I have been lacking for quite some time.

Recently, one of my best friends had me pick four Tarot or Oracle cards. They are from the New Zealand Maori, an indigenous Polynesian tribe. The cards are not so much for future telling as they are for spiritual guidance. Each card I picked and read about were spot on for the way I have been feeling lately. One card in particular really stuck out to me. It was the Kaitiaki card, or the Guardian of Papatuanuku, or Mother Earth.

“Make peace and let go of your past issues around being abandoned or not understood or of feeling unsupported, as those experiences need no longer colour your worldview. Trust that you belong here, and that your connection to the Earth Goddess will support you in all ways. You are sensitive, and rightly so. Never judge your sensitivity or feel that you are overreacting–but also allow nature to calm and soothe you, so that you can be focused on accomplishing your soul mission…. the Earth Mother has her own sense of timing and you are not forgotten. You are just growing according to her wisdom and grace. Have faith in yourself and her.”

I have not felt a connection to nature or Mother Earth in an incredibly long time. I love being outside, it refreshes my soul and gives me a new sense of purpose, but in the busyness of life, I tend to forget that I need to nourish this part of my life as well.

“Disconnection from the Divine Feminine harms humanity in ways that will eventually lead us to psychological pain and physical disease. Perfectionism, impatience, thinking about what we can get instead of what we can give, all these erode self-esteem and emotional fulfillment. They distort what is meant to be sacred sexuality into a performance, perpetuation of emotional wounding and abuse, which drains our creative power and prevents us from being able to feel our truths. Then we end up confused, anxious, and uncertain about our future. These are signs that we need to heal and strengthen our connection to the natural world, to restore our connection to the Sacred Feminine.”

During my period of sobriety, during the 3.5 years that I was sober, I loved to walk or run down to Point Defiance Park (yes, WALK!!) on a regular basis. I would usually end up at Owen’s Beach or one of the many trails that are intertwined in the park. I live 10 blocks from this park. Yet, I hardly ever go anymore. It used to be a huge part of my identity and self-care but over the years, I kept placing it on the back burner, ignoring it, forgetting about it.

So, yesterday, I decided to change all of that. I decided I am going to MAKE the time to walk/run down to Point Defiance Park at least 3-4 times a week. The waterfront, Ruston Way, is another beautiful option, and is also just a short walk or drive from me. Now that the weather is getting nicer, it is perfect for it. Today was the first day. I walked down to Point Defiance and the first huge tree that I saw, I went up to it, put my hands on the trunk, and I looked up to the sky. I whispered, “Thank you” and “I love you” to Mother Earth and she heard me.

The purpose of this is what the card calls, the “Re-earthing process.”

“Re-earthing is a sacred practice to help you plug into the consciousness of the Earth Goddess in a truly grounded, healing, and nurturing way. In this way, you both receive from her and become more able to give to her, through your increasing attainment of your life’s work and personal well-being. To re-earth yourself, spend a little time each day in physical contact with the earth. Physical touch–barefoot or with your hands on dirt and grass or on the trunk of a tree–is sufficient for this process.”

As I started my walk, I was anxious, especially after getting a call from my mom this morning that had me a little concerned. I remember feeling stressed, breathing heavily, like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. As I walked, I started to notice the sights, sounds, and smells around me. This is a grounding technique. It helped me to stay in the present moment of where I was and what I was feeling at the time. It calmed me. By the time I reached the bottom of the hill, and the water, I was breathing more naturally, I was smiling, the weight felt like it was lifting from my shoulders. It felt amazing!!! As I looked into the water below, just observing, I thought to myself, “I did not create this. Something bigger than me did. Something with great power and authority. And I am not it.”

Early sobriety is a learning process. It is about learning, every single day, how to handle ourselves and our emotions without the shield of drugs and alcohol. See, that is what drugs and alcohol do. They cloud our judgement and our life. We stop seeing the beauty and the joy in every day tasks. We stop seeing the beauty in nature. We stop believing in the power that nature has to restore us. We stop believing in the beauty of LIFE. Life is a gift, it really is. No matter where you are in this moment, it is a GIFT. It might not always feel that way, but that is why we are ever evolving and growing. Nothing in God’s world happens by mistake. I truly believe that now. It is time to stop existing and to start LIVING.

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Kaitiaki

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Getting back to nature (Kaitiaki) 86 days today. I have not written a blog post in over a month. There are many reasons for this, which I will not go into right now, but let's just say life stuff has been really heavy lately. 

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Anger

46 days.

One thing that I have struggled a lot with is my anger. And it is not just regular, run of the mill anger. No, my anger can turn into a RAGE that even scares ME sometimes.

Most people are surprised to find out that I am an angry person. Because “you are so shy, quiet, and reserved. I have never seen you complain or speak a bad word about anybody.” While this may be true, that is because…

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Freedom

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

42 days.

Today, I have 42 days free from alcohol. It really is starting to feel like the sweetest freedom I have tasted in an incredibly long time. Before this journey started, I felt utterly trapped. I felt like I was in prison. A prison that I BUILT MYSELF!!!! I was so scared, lonely, full of shame and guilt, and yet I could not stop drinking. I KNEW that it controlled…

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Early sobriety

Day 35.

Early sobriety is so incredibly hard for many different reasons. People might think that just because you remove the substance that the person is addicted to, all their problems just go away. Well, they are sober! Why aren’t they all better now?!?!

Honestly, I wish it were that simple. I really, really do. Because that would 100% take away all the anguish of quitting. First, the quitting…

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Toxic People

*names have been changed to protect identities.

This weekend was my first real BIG test. This weekend did not go as planned AT ALL. I was supposed to go on a girl’s weekend with some friends of mine. We do it every year, go to a cabin, eat lots of food, drink, talk, laugh, play games. Obviously, this year I decided I would go but not drink. I wasn’t going to go because I thought the drinking…

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The relapse

*names have been changed to protect identities.

RELAPSE. I think a lot of people don’t really understand relapse, especially after a person has been sober for a longer period of time (think, one year or more). To be honest, it can be complex and complicated. Or it could be as simple as that person just wanted to drink! The disease of alcoholism and drug addiction is not CURABLE. I will always be…

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Part three: the dark period

Part three: the dark period

*names have been changed to protect identities

It was around the summer of 2008. I was moving all my stuff from the apartment I shared with my sister to my mother’s house. By this time, I literally had nothing left. My marriage was over, my license was suspended, I had two warrants out for my arrest, I had no car, I was BARELY holding down a job, I didn’t have many friends left, and my family was…

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Part two: the dark period

Part two: the dark period

UPDATE: Things have been going really well. Today I am on day 20, of my sobriety!!!! I haven’t been able to do much writing because Reagan became sick last Wednesday. So, I kept her home from school Wed, Thurs, and Friday. On Monday, I started to feel ill. Congested, sneezy, coughing, and I feel nauseous at times. Luckily, Reagan is well enough to go back to school, so mama can get some rest, in…

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The disease of alcoholism

The disease of alcoholism

https://justjess36.com/the-disease-of-alcoholism/

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The disease of alcoholism

The disease of alcoholism

Alcoholism is a devastating disease for most. It does not discriminate. It doesn’t care who you are or what you have done in your life. The scary thing about alcoholism is that it is insidious. No alcoholic starts out knowing that they are alcoholic. It is a slow, progressive disease, that with time, only gets worse, NEVER better. If the alcoholic could stop drinking before the inevitable…

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Part one: the dark period

Part one: the dark period

***Disclaimer:

This post will contain a lot about what happened after I left treatment the first time. It is incredibly hard and emotional material and for that reason, I will be changing names to protect identities.

I left inpatient treatment at Lakeside Milam in July of 2006. Like I said in a previous post though, I was not ready to be sober yet. Things had to get much worse for me before I…