jimmyinthestorm-blog

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

"Coming so close to love I can touch it, but not hold it. Coming so close to happiness I can feel it, but not to have it. Coming so close to peace i can hear it, but not to experience it."

The storm

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

Look up here, I'm in heaven,

I've got scars that can't be seen

I've got drama, can't be stolen

Everybody knows me now

Look up here, man, I'm in danger

I've got nothing left to lose

I'm so high it makes my brain whirl

Dropped my cell phone down below

Ain't that just like me?

David bowie - lazarus

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

"You're poison running through my veins, I don't wanna break these chains."

Alice cooper - poison

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

"I'm desperate for a release"

The storm

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

A few months ago I can't remember exactly when but I tried to kill myself. I can't remember the week before that day or any of the time after the day. However I know on that day it wasn't a particularly hard day, not as many thoughts came to minds, there was no notible offset. I decided to have a drink as I do on occasion, so for what must have been the most part of the day I was drinking on my own in my room. I usually drank with my mam and stepdad at the time but I don't think we were on good terms which wasn't unusual. I can remember out of no where just this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and wanting to be alone at the same time. I felt alone, unworthy of company, angry at myself and wishing for an end. I also felt like there was no way out. I'd before tried hanging myself but it didn't work, I was stopped by my mam. I can remember that night considering cutting myself, which for me was never a thought. My suicidal thoughts always consisted of hanging, overdose, shooting, or jumping in front of or off of something. I kept getting the overwhelming feeling of this is the time, I'm doing It. A voice kept talking to me, guiding me, forcing me in a sense to do it. I couldn't resist. My mind was focused on one thing and that was to die. So I'd been drinking all day and the voice was saying painkillers and alcohol don't mix and if I take enough painkillers it would finally do me in. I was set. I went downstairs after downing the last of that glass. I walked past my mam and step dad in the dining room to the kitchen. My mam shouted through with are you okay. I gave the excuse of my hand was hurting, this being a regular thing for me of pain in my hand so it was nothing out of the ordinary for me to be getting painkillers. They couldn't see me. So I filled my pockets with as many boxes of all kinds of painkillers we had which where 5 different types at least. I proceeded back up stairs to my room. I pushed out all the pills into a pile onto my laptop. I'd refilled my glass. Got up the notes on my laptop. I'd gathered all my prized possessions and laid them out neatly on my bed. Wearing my leather jacket, rings and necklaces. With my favourite boots beside me I took all of the pills. It took a few hand fulls But I got them all down. Again downing my glass of alcohol. I had queued up a list of songs to play from my laptop which explained my feelings and began to play them as I wrote a note detailing the pain and detailing my thoughts and feelings with condolences for my family and friends. Once that was done I laid back and after sometime had passed I laid there the painkillers all had kicked in. I couldn't feel anything except the weight of my hand on my chest gripping my necklaces tight. After all the things that have happened all the thoughts feelings pains and so forth and the constant yearning and longing for death I felt in that moment I was on the precipice of everything i felt I needed. That i was finally gonna be at peace with my life. I felt all the strife and aching falling over the edge of this abyss that was laying just millimetres away. This abyss wasn't black and empty it wasn't scary and it wasn't forbodeing, it was welcoming, comforting and it brought a peace and well a happiness to my heart I never knew I could feel. And now months later I've never felt that same feeling. I've returned to my thoughts of wanting to die. I find myself doing things out of desperation. I find myself doing things that when o was you never crossed my mind and where completely ruled out. Now I do drugs, I drink alcohol in excess, I smoke and I barely sleep. Doing these things in hopes that soon one or all will catch up to me and kill me. I'm always so miserable and sad, I'm always in a state of I'm done with life and everything. I keep hoping no one looks me in the eyes and truly wants to know how i feel because I don't think I could express this to my friends or family. I don't think I could let them know what I feel inside. I don't want them to know the inside of me. I want them to know the me that I outwardly project.

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

sorry i’m late, professor. im disenchanted with the human experience and waking up every morning thrusts me into an instant existential crisis

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

"Why does my heart physically hurt when I think about the love that I've lost"

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

Ozzy Osbourne - Crucify

Give me your money,

I'll sell you my vote,

I promise I'll save you,

While I'm cutting your throat

You want to feel pleasure,

Look into my eyes,

I'm gonna swear on the bible

While I'm feeding you lies

My touch thickens your blood,

I know the things that you love,

My voice swallows the purest heartbeat

I'm your counterfeit friend,

I'll still be here 'til I crucify you,

I crucify you again

Give me your heroes,

Your sinners and saints,

A little temptation

Is all that it takes

I've been here forever,

I'm your oldest friend,

Until I pull on the trigger,

The fun never ends

My touch thickens your blood,

I know the things that you love,

My voice swallows the purest heartbeat

I'm your counterfeit friend,

I'll still be here 'til I crucify you,

I crucify you again

I've been around here for a long, long time,

I'll be around until your soul is mine,

Until your soul is mine

My touch thickens your blood,

I know the things that you love,

My voice swallows the purest heartbeat

I'm your counterfeit friend,

I'll still be here 'til I crucify you,

I crucify you again

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

Ozzy Osbourne - lay your world on me

Give me your pain

Give me your anger

Let me be your rock

I can be the pillar of strength that you need

I help you keep it all together

It's better late than never

Lay your world on me

I can take the weight

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

Ozzy osbourne - let it die

"Everything is breaking, No mistaking, It's all changing, Tear it down, Watch it all start burning, All that's done is done, yes, Let it lie, It's a revelation, Celebration, Graduation, Times collide, Watch the world awaken, All the past regrets from days gone by, Let it go, Let it die"

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

I feel like there is something inside, which all the worst things are manafesting, is coming for me

L

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

"I want to be so much more"

The storm

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

[jimmyinthestorm-blog]

"As the days go by I realise more and more that so little makes me happy"

The storm