jumbledjourney

[jumbledjourney]

I don't ask for much.

I ask for respect.

[jumbledjourney]

Barely holding on

[jumbledjourney]

Thoughts 11 June 19

I feel this weird longing for returning to Russia.

I left when I was 5 years old but I still feel connected in some way. In some way I want to explore my roots and ground myself.

I want to see where I came from.

It's a pure, vivid, long lasting longing for I'm not even sure what. I want the depth of my family history, family background and my roots. My ancestors. Russian blood. I want to be tied to Russia. I want to feel connected and part of something. I don't identify as Australian and maybe I don't identify as Russian. I'm in this unique bubble. Where only a select few other people I know are within that bubble as well.

I have felt like this in recent years and the only way to cure it is by going there. But with what money?

[jumbledjourney]

3rd feb

Fate (???) Kind of happened and a waiter at the restaurant I was having dinner at asked me out.

We proceeded to have drinks and he told me he liked me. We then had amazing sex and I even tried anal for the first time ever because it just felt so right and in the moment. He also came on my face - another first and he made me feel so comfortable about it and laughed it off.

He then slept over (we didn't have much sleep) and he took me out to breakfast and drove me to the airport.

How it happened was completely surreal and I don't know what will happen because there is so much distance between us.

The meeting felt so unreal.

I was sitting peacefully, already ordered my food. He came around asking me if I wanted any drinks and tried to talk to me and ask me where I am from - I wasn't interested so I said can I order my drink first?

He then went around to other tables but kept coming back and chatting to me. At that point I just said yolo and thought maybe I could get a quick fuck out of it. I also began thinking of ways to ask him what he is doing after work.

He brought me another drink (on the house) just as I was finishing up, delaying my time there (he was pretty smooth like that). After a while, he asked me "can I take you out since its your last night here" so I agreed and gave him my number. That was exciting! Finally an organic connection, rather than superficial tinder horror stories.

I can tell he is a gentleman and treats people with respect. He went out of his way for ne but became a little intense, asking me to stay another day. I stuck to my guns and said no. He kept telling me this feels like a sick joke because he likes me and the way I think, but there is a distance between us.

I want to get to know him more but take it easy, as I told him we both have our own goals and life situations. I'm not sure that they will match up but that this isn't the end (so not completely cutting him off).

We'll see where it goes.

[jumbledjourney]

24 hours later (it is now 19th jan)

finally a text back after I sent him something on instagram (he must have seen the notification pop up)

telling me he had a crazy day and that he is "sorry" that he is so bad at replying but his "phone goes off a lot" so he turns off notifications and then "forgets about them" - basically code for "i put your messages on mute and im trying pretty hard to avoid you" ... very very much the opposite of how we used to talk continuously through out the day with only an hour or so in between texts. Not 24 hours. 24 FUCKING HOURS. can you believe it? He is 1000% ignoring me. God damnit.

Then he doesn't mention ANYTHING about my comment about catching up. And just tells me that its a stressful time of the year and its much busier at his company. And it will be like this till the end of daylight savings.

Fair enough but its his choice to go on "benders" on the weekend and I'm pretty sure he won't go on benders every weekend...... so why can't he spend a sunday with me? A few hours of the day?

He is always active on Instagram yet he doesn't "see" my Instagram messages - am I muted? Probably. He probably wanted to reply to someone and then saw my little lousy message.

I sent him another quite heartfelt text..... and told him I didn't want to bother him so I'll send another reply later. Still no response. It's been 24 hours again.

I had an absolute nightmare last night. That he found out I made an account using the same number and that it was showing a different name instead of mine and he was questioning "why does it say ___?" and I rushed to meet him and basically beg him to believe that it wasn't me. I was repeating "no matt no matt" like 20 times in my sleep, running in front of him and trying to stop him from walking away. I was literally begging.

I have no idea why I dreamt that. But I woke up at around 5am, checked up on Instagram and one of my friends posted a story - she is friends with his sister and the sister was in the story and it didn't look anything like what event he told me he was going to with her. My heart literally sank. But then the next snap was more about what the event was so I actually sighed of relief.

He told me to tell him how clothes hunting goes. So if I find any good things I will send him a few photos (hopefully make them look attractive) and ask him what he thinks.

AFTER THAT I will NOT text him unless he texts me first. It's gotten to a point where I am completely frustrated at his lack of communication.

I even changed his contact name. "Do not text him anymore".

I don't know why there are so many games being played by him??? Because truly he treated me so well at the beginning.

And there was some sort of correlation between meeting me and completely changing his texting style.

Time will tell but its not looking good at all.

Ps. 18th December literally a month ago is when we were originally supposed to see each other but he told me he is meeting his ex and it won't feel right meeting me. After that we didn't speak until the 3rd of january when he initiated the conversation. I am capable of not texting for that long although it was hard, I have done it before and if he is really interested he would text me.

[jumbledjourney]

Sent him a pretty heartfelt text about how I feel.

Its make or break at this point and I won't allow myself to send any more texts, as much as I want to.

He basically told me he will be "a ghost till march" because he wants to "go out every weekend" and he will "only recover by Sunday" .... well surely some sundays you could see me right??

But he also mentioned going away in march? So basically he is not interested in seeing me for a 2nd date but is playing the "nice guy" - my theory.

What hurts is that we developed a connection built on common interests, similar humour and similar demeanor and similar values I think. It wasn't a week long thing or a 2 week long thing or even a month long thing.

We have been talking since the end of November. I honestly haven't felt such a genuine and carefree connection since my last ex in 2015. It is respectful, with no mention of sex. It is based on a friendship level and I'd rather be friends with him than start sexting. But it's hard to communicate that to someone when they don't want to see you for a second date.

So I sent him a last ditch effort text, telling him what I think of him and that he can let me know when he wants to hang out because I like talking to him etc. I sent a continuation message as well with questions/statements.

Ball is in his court. I don't know what to think.

I've been watching videos on dating and I think I may have overstepped the clingy mark even though I've tried so hard. I tried so hard to match his texting style.

We shall see.

I am anticipating a "you're nice but I'm not interested" text to be honest and it hurts but I prefer a finale, not an up in the air sort of relationship.

[jumbledjourney]

16th jan

He replied to me approximately 24 hours ago, seemingly normally with a continuing question. Although quiet lackluster and no substance.

I replied to him at around 1. Nothing. Not a peep. He hasn't viewed my insta stories or liked my picture I posted but he's been active on instagram and liking other things and following pages.

It really leads me to believe it's over and it's the end. And I keep reminding myself what he did. He deleted me off the app straight after we met.

It's not over until he unfollows me on instagram though. Or until he tells me he doesn't think it will work out.

I won't be doing anything. I asked him the critical question - does he want to hang out on the weekend. It's a very obvious no, but I need to hear it from his mouth.

I'll be waiting for his reply. Although I honestly don't see it coming.

[jumbledjourney]

Less and less

Consistency.

More time between replies.

More activity on social media - ignoring my smses.

But there's one more catch. He deleted me from the dating app we met on. Which I didn't notice at first. Curiosity got the better of me and I snooped until I found exactly WHAT I didn't want to find. That he still has a profile on that app. So he must have deleted me. But why? Why is the real question. It leaves me feeling uneasy because he is still replying fairly normally.

But I can tell he doesn't really care anymore. No emojis anymore... not many lol or lmao.

It hurts.

But life goes on. So I'll be ignoring him from now on and no more messages. We'll see what happens.

It's funny coz I already muted his texts but I still check for them quite a lot.

It really hurts. Because we have a lot in common. A LOT!! but I'm not sure if I'm the type if personality he is looking for, as things went downhill after we met for coffee. But he said he wanted to see me again. And he did warn me BEFORE WE met that he is likely to not have many days off in the near future, only weekends.

We'll see what happens but for now I'm ignoring him. He's 110% talking to other girls and they are taking up his time, exactly as I was 3 weeks ago or whatever.

He already had a first strike when he cancelled on me the night before telling me he met his ex and can't talk to me till he figures out what to do. We didn't speak since the 18th Dec to the 3rd Jan.

Today is the 15th Jan. We shall see.

[jumbledjourney]

High key confused.

Low key wtf.

I noticed he was "no longer on the app" but turns out he deleted me off it. I don't know why? And it's kind of too deep into it to ask about the app because we haven't talked on it for a long time. But its a strange move. Unless he did it to every girl on there.

He barely talked to me this weekend. We basically used to talk during the whole day but its dropping off, which means new people are talking to him. Assuming he made a real lame excuse about going out the whole weekend. But I think he is probably talking to other girls because I see his followers count going up and probably saw one on the weekend. He said he had to dog sit but his "friend didn't end up going away". And basically, he wanted to go to the art gallery with me.

I need to learn how to not get upset at broken promises. I need to learn to let go easier and not be so pent up. I don't understand how to disconnect myself from someone I like because if I go in too deep I'd be suffocating them and no one wants that. I am trying my best and I believe God is with me.

He allowed him to come back into my life after praying for some sort of sign. He allowed me to meet him and talk for 2 whole hours.

I'm trying my best to be interested but not over the top. And I can only hope everything he has said has been genuine and he is acting genuinely.

But when I saw that he is still on the app, the feelings of being worthless emerged again. Who would go out of their way to delete someone off an app other than if they were getting rid of them?

Maybe he's getting rid of me slowly. And that's the thing. I am always disposed of. But what's the issue? I have so much love and fun to give.

We'll see how it pans out but I'll be slowing down my replies.

He made ALL the moves, so I think if he was still interested he would ask to see me again.

See. My mind is all confused. On one hand I want to like him and get to know him and discuss our common interests, but on the other hand I feel that our conversations are decreasing slowly and replies are becoming far apart.

[jumbledjourney]

Why can't I have nice things?

It's very sad when you get along with someone so much and can talk and have banter and common interests and understanding and values and then the night before you are supposed to meet them they tell you that they met up with their ex and now they don't know what will happen and they don't want to play you and they won't feel okay seeing you.

Yeah. It hurts. A lot.

And you feel like you lost a part of you. Because everything seemed to be going smoothly. The excitement seemed to be building for both of us. The conversation was started by both of us. The laughs, the sincerity, genuine words, playful yet respectful words, absolutely no sexual tones - just pure getting to know each other and sharing details about our days and ourselves.

I hope that he will talk to me again. I really do. Because it's not fair to be lifted up so high and then dropped

[jumbledjourney]

He's got very serious mental issues

And personality disorder for SURE

but God thank you for letting him into my life, and letting me witness him, get to know him inside and out, liste to his stories and opinions, admire him, be inspired with every silly idea he had, be in awe, have sex, give and receive the best kisses in the world, cuddles, hugs, hold hands, love him literally UNCONDITIONALLY and love him stupidly, lose myself to him, him being engraved in my brain and in my heart forever. Thank you God, I am so grateful for this experience. I am grateful he exists in this world. I am grateful he has been part of my life. I am grateful he has come in and out of my life even though it often resulted in LITERAL heart break. Thank you God for letting me see him in February this year and making me happy for a short time.

I know that he has very serious issues which I ignored for years... but that doesn't mean I have to forget the good times. The memories. I will always cherish his intellect. I will always cherish him.

He was so special to me.

I don't think I can ever meet anyone else like him. But I can definitely do without him in my life because his personality traits are unsafe and dangerous. He was very manipulative and emotionally abused me, and psychologically abused me. But I held on. Without that experience, I would still be clueless about the world. He made me see things in the most amazing and absurd ways.

I thank you God for everything and I thank you for bringing him into my life. I doubt I will ever speak to or see him again but I ask for you to be kind to his soul.

[jumbledjourney]

Its August

and this year has been amazing so far career wise, but relationship wise it's been a mess.

I (cleverly) decided to get the one person back in my life who has the power to crush me from February to March. The reason for this was because I felt impulsive about the situation with another guy deleting me out of nowhere after 2 years of intimacy and long distance relationship (or so I thought - come to find out in August, a few days ago, he has had a "on and off" gf... who is clearly not on and off and has had her for the majority of the time we have been talking, and sending photos, and me calling him Daddy... he was my Daddy and I can't even fathom calling anyone else Daddy. Not in a million years. He ruined that for me.)

I decided to see the love of my life and someone who I would do almost anything for... with obviously dire consequences once again. Surprise surprise. It was a medical marijuana debate which sent him over the edge, but I think he was looking for a way out. But those 3 days I spent with him were on my terms. Those 3 days I think I was the closest to true happiness because I (for some stupid ass reason) felt what I had felt through out those 4 years that we were on and off. He matured and grew. His mindset was just like mine. I connected with him and could see my soul inside his. However, I do not doubt that he has some sort of personality disorder. Antisocial. Cunning. Charming. Very firm. Moody. Heaps of ideas but none of them are ever turned into reality. However, I just wanted to see him. That was my prerogative. I just wanted to see him in the flesh. Feel his warmth. See his face. See his smile. Laugh with him. Discuss travelling with him. Discuss life with him. Debate topics. Talk about his family. I had never got the chance to do that. I loved every minute of it and I'm so grateful God allowed me to do that. He knew I needed this for some strange, bizarre reason. I felt comfort in him. And I'm glad he recognised his own fault with the extremism. It was just part of his personality. It is very hard to help or treat. Therefore, I just wanted his presence. I was selfishly with him. But it was the best 3 days of my life and I do not regret anything. His life and personality is too turbulent for me but I will always love him I think. The way I handled the last encounter on the phone was pretty much commendable.

And this was back in February and I am still impacted by this immensly. And although he told me to never contact him again and he will never contact me. I have absolutely no idea what's in store for the future. He said he wants to be alone if he can't find someone who agrees to every word. So if that's the case, I wish him well. But if he can find a suitable partner, I hope his kids are amazing and I hope they have their father's mind. Because God, you know that he is one of the most intellectual person I've met and that is why I was so drawn to him.

Please God bless him and send him some love.

Please God bless me for enduring that heart ache of loving someone like him.

[jumbledjourney]

I mean I do really well running back to the past but last night I even surprised myself and saw T. The guy who I gave my heart to for at least 3 years...

It gave me a lot of closure but it also made me realise that I wasn't wrong about the fact that we have had so many similarities and still care about each other.

I'm a completely emotional person, so I realised I magnified T into some sort of person on a pedestal and I haven't let him come down, however, he has abused my trust countless times because of the way he goes through phases and I think it's a high possibility we will end up back at square 1, unless he keeps his word and actually takes it slow and sees long term.

This time I'm not going to think too much about it at all. Just a guy in my life. I think I can say with almost certain possibility we will crash and burn .... however this time I have enough closure to live the rest of my life knowing that I did everything that I could and beyond.

Its all in his hands. He lives a very shut off life but says he wants a family. But has no job and is studying again for the 3rd time doing a double degree. At least he owned up to his mistakes and told me it was all his fault. That's what I needed to hear.

Hearing him get "confused" about what his "brain is telling him to think" about what we are and all our history etc was really disheartening but at least he was honest. But he was spot on with subconsciously reassuring me that my problems about having sex and "being a sexual object" to other guys, he has contributed to it because I was so young with him. Not only him but a lot of guys unfortunately think like that.

Seeing him so nervous and always asking me if he looked ok or if he looked different was really interesting. At first he was very aware of others.

He told me he had no friends etc and it resonated with me. He told me he was weird and awkward and thats totally me too.

Thats the end for now but this happened very spontaneously at 8th Feb 2018, 5 ish years since we met.

[jumbledjourney]

november 22

today i wasn’t feeling like myself and literally could not get out of bed and could not get the motivation to go down to the shops and buy some things i needed... i can’t explain how exhausted my body felt physically but also mentally..

nothing was really helping at all... but then i had a little cry and picked myself back up and went to do some things around the house...

its strange. our bodies and our feelings have so much control over situations and you have to sometimes ride the wave before you try to get off.

also, apparently kanye west was admitted to hosp for a mental breakdown... which to me explains a lot. maybe because im a psych nerd and love to study people but all of his behaviours have always been against society, and he has always been criticized for speaking honestly and openly and being criticized does take a toll... i always valued his honesty and loud personality because that is his way of expressing his inner turmoils. or so i think. in my opinion.

we are all human. we are allowed to have downfalls and tough times. otherwise, what is life? and how can we cherish the good times otherwise?

[jumbledjourney]

I am at peace. No matter what anyone else says. I am at peace because we are on talking terms again after a whole year of complete silence. I am at peace because you have been there for me when no one else was and I was at my lowest, only a few weeks ago. You talked me through it. You were telling me to tell you what was wrong. You didn't give up on me. You were telling me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear. Even though we will never be together again, I am at peace knowing you finally unblocked me on facebook after a whole year of blocking me for God knows what. I am happy to see your face pop up here and there. I can't quite follow you on instagram yet or add you on Facebook because it will still hurt. God bless you.

[jumbledjourney]

i have an incredibly hard time differentiating between when someone really truly likes me + wants to be intimate with me and when someone is just in it for the sex but seems to be making a small effort in order for it to just look more natural

this is due to the horrible manipulative and compulsive lying emotionally abusive relationship i was in for 2 years. it honestly took an incredible toll on me and i haven’t been able to recover because i am so scared and so daunted by the possibility of someone i like being just as emotionally abusive as my ex. i am haunted by the things he told me and made me believe. i am haunted by the amazing chemistry we shared, or so I thought... i am haunted by my ability to believe all the sweet words he told me. to actually believe that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me (emotionally abusing me till no end basically).

[jumbledjourney]

He's gone off the rails completely ... and I wish I could be there for him and hold his hand through everything but he will destroy me and he is so dangerous.