junipermatten

[junipermatten]

SHOOTING CIVILLIANS POINT BLANK. SHE WAS TRYING TO GET HOME AND THEY SHOT HER FOR NO REASON. GET THIS FOOTAGE OUT!

[junipermatten]

“Hot and bothered” in the sense that it is 90 degrees out and I am extremely annoyed

[junipermatten]

Submission

(Mentions of suicide, religious trauma, this is not a God Worshipping post, but it is honest.)

Submission. Noun. 

The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person. 

I’ve been told it’s easy. 

To submit.

To give up the power and the control

To take a raised, clenched fist

And lower it

Soft to the touch

It's supposed to be easy.

Or, easier than control should be

But some of us weren't born that way

Some of us weren’t chosen to be gentle

Weren’t chosen to laugh, play, 

Be soft to the touch

Some of us, 

We unlucky little bastards

Some of us God looked at 

And said

��You.”

“You will know struggle.”

“There will be a fire in you that will never settle, never burn out.”

“And it will consume you.”

“And you’ll hate every minute of it.”

“Hate yourself for it.”

“You.”

I don’t know why God chose me

I'm not strong enough for this

I'm not strong enough to carry the weight of others

I can barely hold my own head up some days

Others I can’t get out of bed.

It's not my fault that control is my only relief. 

They say submission is easy, but I have a feeling those people have never had to control the world around them just to feel safety

Or comfort

I have a decade’s experience in keeping myself safe.

Why should I give that up?

No one can save me.

No love can fix the stains on the bathroom sink

Or the tugging feeling in my mouth

My neurons shooting their way through my brain at light speeds

No gentleness can fix the broken mirror

Or the blood all over my knuckles

Or the cracked, crooked reflection staring at me

Watching

Waiting

I don’t know how long it'll be before my clenched fists connect with shattered sky again

And you think that giving up would save me

Should I give, then?

Break down these crimson adamant walls

Let you cradle me?

Just like you did when I was a child, right?

Sitting on my bedroom floor

My back to that stupid lime green wall my brother painted

Crying because the rope broke before it could hold me?

You were there, right?

I had to go ask my mom for scissors

Because I couldn't get the rope off my neck

I told her I was making a necklace. 

I was 10. 

You were there, yes?

When I started slitting my wrists?

Taking apart anything I could

Just to get my hands on something sharp.

Slitting the shit out of any skin I could get my hands on, really

Just because I couldn’t fucking stand myself.

I was 12.

You were there, right?

I could list so many times

I could go on for hours

Every heartbreak, failure, facade, falsehood I tortured myself with

Every heartbeat of mine is stained with the sin of it all

The sin of wanting more

And that's the worst fucking part of it

Some deep, sick part of me wants more

I want to feel the tension rise as tendons snap and bone breaks

Unraveling at the seams

Blood boiling

My heartbeat screaming

Breaking its way out of my chest to the floor

I want to slam my head into the concrete

The sink

This stupid fucking mirror

I want to taste the brain matter running down my face

The blood all over my skin

My flesh in pieces around my body

I want to hurt in ways I could never come back from. 

I want to scream until i give out

Just so you’d forgive me. 

I went through so much

And you don’t make mistakes, 

Right?

Nothing happens for no reason,

Right?

So why?

Why did I have to go through all of that?

I was so little.

Do you know how little 10 is, 

Yahweh?

Do you, in all your infinite years, understand how little I had lived?

Mary was just a teen when she gave birth to your beloved Yeshua

Ave maria, gratia plena, dominus tecum

Benedicta tu in mulieribus 

Et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus. 

Sancta Maria, mater dei

Ora pro nobis peccatoribus 

Nunc et in hora mortis nostrae

Amen. 

The Holy Mary.

She’s praised constantly for being so young and going through so much

What do I get?

What. Do. I. Get?

What do I get for destroying myself for you?

I would lie awake at night fantasizing about gutting myself on an altar.

All for you

A perfect little blood sacrifice, right?

Perfect little sheep

I made sure my wool was so clean

Pure and white as snow

I made sure my flesh was ready

That the knife would cut through as smooth as possible

My blood is the most beautiful crimson as it runs down my body

Why is that not enough for you??

.

.

.

Don’t you think if you could hate yourself into healing, you’d be healed?

Breaking something, breaking yourself is easy.

Putting something back together takes more than glue.

Sew up the seams of your soul, child, and stand strong. 

Yes, you have struggled.

And yes, I was there.

And look how beautifully you’ve grown.

You’ve fought so hard against your upbringing,

Do not think it was for naught. 

You ask if I know how little you were,

As if 100 isn't a child to me,

My gaze is infinite,

The universe stretched underneath my fingertips like clay.

I know what you have done

And I love you anyways.

I can’t fix the broken mirror, 

But I can give you the strength to look at your reflection despite it.

Come back.

[junipermatten]

Salvation.

Themes of religion, my beef with the catholic church really lol, proceed at your own risk.

-----------

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

A grandfather clock

Sitting against the wall next to the dining table

My mother on the other side

Scolding me, scalding me

Warning me

The dangers of the outside world

Of the humans around me

Of the deceit we bow down to

—

I chose to bow down to a lot more, though

In my time in ball and chains

-

Reading psalms and scriptures

Thousand year old poetry 

Coming back to life under the brush of my fingertips

And god i loved it

-

I loved devoting myself

Giving myself away in one of the only ways I learned how

The only way that ever made sense to me

But the words in those souls of the long gone

Don't belong to me

-

They dont fill me with rage and glory 

Telling an unsung story from the depths

They were for my brothers

And their cold fists. 

-

They were made for the cruel beasts I run from at night

Keys clutched in between fingertips like a hidden salvation

Praying it would save me from the terrible fate every women fears in her bones

-

Praying 

-

Devotion 

Salvation

-

I was fourteen

When I decided enough was enough

That the fire running through my blood

Wasn’t selfish

Wasn’t greedy

Wasn’t something to hide away in fear of being “too much”

-

I decided the fangs I kept hidden

Were a weapon

A tool of social destruction

Not an insecurity to hide away

-

And i wrote

I wrote my own poetry

My own psalms 

My own scriptures

I defined who I am

Sculpted my strengths out of warm clay

Smoothing out the weakness and fear

And then destiny followed

It came hard and fast

Crashing into me like a rising crescendo 

Building, rising, climbing

Grasping and holding

Never letting go

A forever fermata on a single note of change

Cymbals crashed 

War drums sounded

The symphony

My symphony

Finally starting

—

Devotion

-

Salvation

-

And a new god walks the earth

And that small frail girl 

Kneeling in front of her holy mary

Tears streaming down her cheeks

Praying for hope, a cause

Devotion incarnate

Salvation never came

I sat there

For so long

Looking

Waiting

Worshiping divinity

And now you

Who looks at me

And tells me that the solution

Is more

More time

More faith

More of myself, this spirit that i can’t afford

To give more of my immortality

I don’t need divinity

I am divinity

I am the thing in the dark of the night

The half of the moon holding the scary monsters

I am the knight in shining armor 

Slaying dragons

Walking, watching

Power dripping from my blood soaked teeth

Flowing behind me

Like a cape

-

Like great booming wings

Looking like a king of empires long since gone

I am a king

And god will I rule

I am done with the torment

The misunderstandings

The “I didn’t mean to”s

I meant to. 

And if you ever dare to lay a hand on this precious mortal vessel again

I will mean to

Again

And again

Until it is your blood being wiped off the floors,

And your mother sobbing over what might happen to you next

—--

The grandfather clock in the wall

Across the dining table

Opposite to my mother

She’s telling me the danger and fear outside again

Something I’ve grown to know well

The deceit of man

On my time on this earth

This beautiful planet we call home

And drawing back into my body

Im reminded of my mortality

And the beauty of a fleeting moment

The only time we’ll ever experience it

And again I’m a small girl

Injured 

Crying

Not because it hurt

But because I was scared

I was- am scared

Of pain, 

Anger

Pleasure

Intimacy

The immortality in my veins settles

As this life is a new experience 

And as i keep my blood soaked cape and wings on the wall

Pined in a frame like a painting

A touch of artistry on the blank slate

My swords hang by their hilts next to them

This, I’ve decided, is salvation