jupiter-inthe-archer

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

choosing to break ties someone simply over or in regards to, self control. self control in order to realize i can’t keep a relationship that makes me feel im holding back to further along protect myself and my peace because eventually will get more attach than i am. i think it’s important step to face, to realize i’m in a entanglement in which the desire to know this person deep on personal core is not reciprocated. at least not as strong as a desire to. it’s a difficult concept to understand the reasoning behind it. chalk it up to bigger and deeper connections with others. losing someone in my life in which i finally felt understood & seen. it lets me know it’s not impossible to find that, and it’s out there.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

writing this in hope i look back on this & found out I was retreating back to merely old feelings of the past. but the feelings feels ah so familiar, feeling like another era will end. I guess I felt a similar feeling before, with past relationship. it was around this mark period where I felt like either we were going to be together or it was going to end, and i simply was going to appreciate & enjoy the time we spent. and even though back then, i wasn’t leaning towards neither or, very vaguely leaning towards an ending, it ended up blossoming in a very, vindictive yet blissful way at the time. I guess the feeling I feel now isn’t necessarily, similar. maybe because I wouldn’t mind him in my life, I’m sitting here trying to decide how hurt I will be. I suppose it’s me expecting the worst, knowing this man never wanted a relationship, this man didn’t need any new friends and simply just wanted to get a fix. I guess i suppose it has run it’s course. but why does it feel like it’d be forced? a self sabotage approach, an unemotionally unavailable move in a chess game. it feels so…expected yet not. We’ve spent plenty of time together, moreso from his desires, he’s expressed how spending time with me has been effortless, talking for hours feels rather quick, how 8 months feels rather a short time. he seems fond of me, appreciates my character & is still wildly attracted to me. it all feels like, ok now it’s time to set up. I guess the feeling is all too familiar. the only difference is we’re similar, and knowing me, self sabotage seems safer.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

they say not to make final decisions, enter relationships or swing back on past relationships while mercury is in retrograde. life has been, good. what did sza say in her song that hit home, “this time, next year, i’ll be living so good won’t remember no pain”. amazing how a whole year can feel like at least 3 while 3 years felt so, short yet uneventful. i’ve been really happy, im getting comfortable with myself, growing confidence on what and who i am, i have a nice job, steady income, exploring boston more and more, trying to not be a hater. I have encountered many different arrays of life, numerous amount of highly educated people from very different backgrounds & cultures, experiencing different POV of said life in America. It’s been nice, i really can’t complain. I do feel a sense of uprooting energy, and trying to tackle if that’s simply my avoidant attachment of when things are pleasant, when they’re good. I’ve still been in the process of meeting and experiencing new people, making new friends, doing new activities. i’ve also really tackled on the keen idealist of love and friendship and relationships. i’ve met a man, who is more or less my friend. we hang out, we watch a lot of anime, we watch too many movies & have too many discussions. but hanging with him feels so…effortless. the very things my past ex complained about, he very much adores. like me repeating my stories, or my voice or my bratty ways. it’s a nice feeling, someone just taking the time to learn and fully understand you. kinda like the universe saying, that wasn’t normal, let me show you what you can find. and even though are relationship is a bit…odd and similar to the past in regards to no labels, no relationships, etc. i’m enjoying my time with him. and im happy just experiencing someone who feels, safe. where i didn’t have to build this progression & convince myself that their safe due to learning about their traumas, it simply was..instant. i felt comfortable around him, i like learning about him and his weird quirks and like how similar we are. it’s nice to experience, even fully knowing or unknowingly how this will end up. Just enjoying the ride for now.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

also in part of aries energy, start doing more and thinking less. you might as well be about the shits if it’s what you truly want to do.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

I haven’t wrote in some time now, in between a mixture of living presently & procrastination. I’ve written in my physical journal whenever the energy and sparks are there, it comes in waves but tends to spark up when the weather gets nice. I’m more eager to do, to act, to get out of my mind, live presently. I sometimes wonder why weather and my environment impact me so greatly, some in good ways and other in bad. the warm weather makes me do, I enjoy living more, life is more pleasant. Like you’re on a vacation and you’re simply enjoying life’s pleasures. Walking aimlessly along the beach, or park or any outdoor areas that make me enjoy, being. This winter was a lot of…isolation. Alone time, reflecting and re-engaging with my center core. I’m quite content of the outcome of my solitude in winter, I feel more firm in myself, like I’m certain and honestly sure in who I fundamentally am. Certain things didn’t impress me while other things did, and i stopped making excuses on being so multifaceted that I overcompensated myself with things that didn’t make me feel right. I started listening to my body more and turn off my logical brain into making excuses as to why my body was feeling this way. Like my comfort with people, who I can undoubtedly be myself around with feeling exhausted energy of ignoring judging energy. Who cares and values certain things that I find superficial. It’s a lot of awareness but also a lot of, accepting the reality of said situations.

In the department of ~love~ or relationships, Ive gathered why truly bare minimum adoration and healthy expression is. and it’s nice, even though it was bare minimum, simply because everything before me was, quite frankly, in hell. Being attentive, expressing healthy communication style, safe and ensuring sex lifestyle, actual questions and discussions of issues tackling morals & POV. it was all experiences that is base line of building any healthy relationship with anyone, and it was nice thing to experience. It IS a nice thing to experience. Part of me knows we have to go separate ways no matter the outcome of choices, but, like the last, i’ll be thankful for showing me what a healthy relationship is suppose to look like.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

writing as an act of survival, the phrase stuck with me. like something that needed to be told to again and again. something to make those gears moving, something to make you feel alive again. to make you feel, a sense of something. it makes you feel something. writing was necessary, simply over the measure that it meant just that. i needed to tell my story, in order to survive. i need to share my experience and how i wanted to contribute, in order to succeed. it was a necessity, a helpful contrary per say. i had so much to say yet, couldn’t find the words to form it. my experiences felt, indifferent. i dabbled with the idea of heartbreak but truth be told. i was heartbroken anymore. i wasn’t empty over my ex, nor felt cold and distant due to the lack of love in my life. i felt pretty, well, free. this new found freedom of just exploring different avenues within myself and what I enjoyed and what i didn’t. what i wanted to keep and what i wanted to discipline myself with. i went through the occasional spurts of happiness and gloominess. better days and not so better days but it felt like, i suppose, i was finally living. like this is what it’s all about. the dredging life of roller coasters of emotions. ive felt my fair share of loneliness, disparity and neglect and i’ve felt my fair share of joyful omnibus and ambitious highs. it all felt, well, just good. i was satisfied, i couldn’t complain. and i’ve felt this way ever since i was able to leave my old studio apartment. despite the embarrassment of rejection, the desperation of hook ups and the awkwardness of social interactions. i looked back upon what it all occurred and it just felt like, a good story to tell. a story about, finding your worth or deciding when to take your pride aside. I couldn’t tell if it was growth or i just simply started to not fear my ego finally getting dismantled sometimes. I guess i was, happy. and i guess i never could pin point what exactly defined happiness except really high highs of happiness but i was content happy. i was, well this fine, happy. i felt, despite efforts of still growing, i was happy in the direction i was going. it felt so, odd in the most satisfying way. so when it came to writing, my notes weren’t long memoriors of how broken my heart feels, or how i desperately cling to fill my empty void. nor did they fill with extreme highs of random hook ups, late night adventures and many crazy stories. it was all pretty ordinary, yet expeditionary. i enjoyed this but it made me have a feeling or better yet, a desire to continue experiencing. to write when i’m high on highs or lowest of the lows. but maybe it’s fine to write when you are simply, content. with your own well being. content on you, where you’ve come from and how far you’ve achieved. it all feels nice, once i break through these tough layers. it all feels like a beginning.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

i started to realize the importance of self worth. self worth is knowing when you’ve had enough, knowing when you deserve to be treated fairly with respect, without manipulation nor being viewed with rose-colored glasses or uplifted on a unrealistic pedestal. self worth is knowing without external sources or validation, you are still whole. you are still ungodly you and no one can touch that. no one can compare, your authentic soul is enriched within you regardless of being around people or alone.

I want to be admired, but first i have to admire myself. i want to be adored, but first i have to adore myself. i want to be appreciated, but first i have to appreciate myself. I needed to see those things in myself, to really feel my importance, my contributions before seeking external sources to fulfill that for me. I no longer wanted to sacrifice my sanity and myself to PROVE i deserve those things. in my essence alone, i deserve the sun, the moon and all of what this earth gives. the only one i had to prove that to is myself. no longer sticking around people that don’t get the memo, don’t see my vision, don’t see my value.

moving in accordance to what my soul desires, to what my soul was put on this earth to fulfill. and whose around me will see that, authentically.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

the imagination of said mind it suppose to be filled with tremoudous acts of defeat and absolute ridicule. who is to say that the own energy that receive from our brain transponds to how we are acted upon or reflected. it takes time to reflect on said action and dwell more on present activities than future, thus is such to remerse in said endeavors but actually looking within our own mistakes, rather than place blame on others. truth of the matter is, 8/10 times on how you react is subconsciously your reflection onto something. the reason I gave a messily 80% is for the few mere chances of someone pushing you into believing something and you react however you do and the act of flight or fight. now i know communication is essential key and ultimately how you respond to your partner should uphold positivity rather than negativity. if emotions are running high within yourself, express those gratitudes but don’t expect your partner to just accept how you react to sudden change of your emotions. it’s unfair to your partner and it’s negative and immature on your part. heal and focus on what is wrong inward rather than try to approach it outwardly on the closest person to you. now here’s to say this doesn’t have to be done alone because the premise of partnership is a team, however, your partner still has boundaries for themselves and it’s unjustly to expect your partner to accept how you release and react to such emotions if it crosses their boundaries. accept when your partner has had enough or believes the approach was unjust and les not place blame on the partner but realize what you did. reflect on how or what you did to make your partner upset or to change approaches. this measurement should be taken on both sides of the partners unless it’s premise that a partner is reflect emotional turmoil in a negative light, thus it’s the partner to either be patient while it passes or they reflect OR to still protect your boundaries while letting your partner reflect. thus i hope the partner is reflecting instead of placing blame and fueling the ego. thus is a way to keep present and les it results to no time wasted dwelling on silent treatment games and separation. alas, everyone’s journey is different and everyone journey isn’t the same. however, one has to grow in order to follow suit or hopefully, both is time to decide to evolve and grow. patience really is a virtue.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

😪i suppose back to grind fest, i think sometimes i need to recharge myself into thinking that i’m ok. that i don’t need to define everything and things i do define doesn’t mean it has to be a negative tone, same with emotions. anyway, i have about a month left until fall semester is over and i suppose grinding, making sure my resume is in check and unfortunately finding a recommendation of some sort. regardless, it’s been enough fooling around, focus when i need to focus and relax when i need to relax.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

part of me really needs to break this habit of, i need to have as much relaxation and fun before i die when in reality i’m just simply being lazy. i’ve stopped grinding and working on being a better person, i stopped achieving some of my goals and i just slightly scabe my way by work assignments. not actually doing the things i said i was, not participating in my environmental group, not interacting with any of my teachers, nothing. and i need to stop.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

i decided to snuggle oh so deeply into my linen white blanket, something that was brought to me from my grandma in a way where i’ll al aye remember home. it was strange, i looked back on how anxiety ridden and nervous i was being all the way from home. not knowing anyone or belonging to people, i felt like i was merely floating, waiting to be swept away by college life and rush. which is exactly what happened. swept away is a bit, how i say, drastic. I didn’t feel like i couldn’t handle college life or that it was some mythical being that radiates your soul and engulfs you into this newly, full grown human. rather of fact, going to college and moving to a complete different region where i grew up did help me but it’s not, how you put it, the key into finding yourself or your being or soul or whatever else you believe. it’s how you shape that town, you could move to a location 3 hours away from your home or 36 but it won’t change you. moving doesn’t change you, it gives you the opportunity to change but it’s how you make that transition, how you process the move. so with that in mind, i decided to pack up my townhouse, say goodbye to the lovely and quaint town kent has been to me for the past 5 years and well, move. i tucked my thick black hair behind my ears as i began to tape up the last of our boxes. i began to ponder around the idea of my apartment being completely empty. I was like a traveling shepherd, no matter where i went, i brought along side my love, his cat, our dog and my little dragon and we just, explored life together. I guess you can say it seemed we’re living the dream of 20 something year olds but it was more than that. it was a time for us to expand, a time where monumental value was more important than staying in one place because a couple people were good to us. it was about living because that’s what life is about after all. just simply, living. so we packed up our belongings, drove north, and decided that every 5 years or when our mindset needs a recharge, we just simply move or we travel. and we just simply, well, live.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

i possibly need to stop smoking weed because it’s making lazy, procrastinate on everything and isn’t helping my growth anymore. idk what it’s about me that whenever i start to get my shit together somewhat mentally, i always wanna wild out or be reckless because i start to feel old, and not fun anymore. it’s weird how i feel about this but i think it’s the child in me that just wants to be young again and splurge out but i suppose when i was doing that, i wasn’t doing much with mylife. yes i was having fun, going to parties and i had a boo thang but a not so serious boo thang so it felt freeing and nice but i also wasn’t in school, wasn’t trying to figure out what i wanted to do, had free time to think of my identity and ended up losing it once school started 🤦🏾‍♀️ and working at a job in which i can’t even have them as a reference mainly because the manager is petty. idk i have this inkling feeling that i want to be better but feel old but however, my love did mention the fact of balance. but knowing me i’m difficult at that very notion 🥵. anyways, i have this idea and i gotta work for it like actually work for it and not brush it off or just simply believe to do it later. i’m going to be 22, graduating w a BA and have an opportunity to move again. As much as being an adult may suck, it’s something i need to do but i suppose i can still have my youth coming out.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

Fall 2019

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

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[jupiter-inthe-archer]

i have many thoughts that seem to race through my mind often as a human being. i think what separates us as other species stems from the notion that we have a conscious being, that we are capable of brainstorming and aware of our conscious mind as well as our subconscious being. i often dabble at the idea of reincarnation and my boyfriend has had me to wonder, what actually is the point of enfolding into this cycle. i guess from my understanding is to teach, to enhance the lives of others and share ur wisdom and what u find but you can old do that once you have found “enlightenment”. however, no one knows when you do because it’s different for everyone and feels different for everyone however what’s similar is the sensation or the feeling of experiencing what is happening right now. the idea of nothingness and belonging to no one and being no one yet u are experiencing and connecting to everything. i think the point is to reach that enlightenment and that’s why if u incarnate into a human, u have the manifestation to become that, that’s why i think numerology is the way that it is. because of course, not everyone will experience that as a human in which they have to go through the whole cycle. that’s why i feel like you can feel energies from people and certain karmic ties or links is with some people as well. in hindsight, it’s not suppose to have this selfish notion that i previously thought, that you’re living this life to learn what you didn’t, it’s to reach this higher being and THEN share that, to enhance to the world with it because you’re technically suppose to be connected to everything that is around you.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

• driving is essential and now that it’s fully aware i’m possibly getting a car, set up a routine schedule for james and you to practice driving and be persistent of it. during your breaks at school, ask him if he has time to spare half n hr for driving lessons, hopefully by march you should not only have a license but on your way to get a car. • with other spare time, spend some creative nights with james, make some DIY projects, invite him to some workshops you found, do a date night somewhere once a month where we dress up. not including james, make playlist, get involved in music again, start sharing your pieces to public, take part in a cooking book as well. • lastly, this is a time period for growth, for a new path and new beginnings and there ARE people who want you in their lives but unfortunately it might be a lonely path but it’s ok, be you, don’t tune yourself down for anyone you meet. it’s essential to take advantage of every aspect of yourself and your environment, being alone is vastly different than being lonely and everyone is familiar with the term, better to be alone than be around people who aren’t there. i have made many friendships in my time here and kent and part of my duty seems to deem a responsibility to partake a farewell with all of them properly but in actuality, everyone doesn’t show appreciation the same way i do, but know the difference between people showing it different compared to not showing it at all. and it’s vastly apparent. with that, don’t be discouraged, this journey isn’t completely lonely and being bummed over not spending a night with drunken friends is better than actually spending a night with people who aren’t there. •ah, i forgot to include another essential term, my pupper, with less time spending at home this semester, it’s going to be rough not spending the days with him but alas, part of my regime could be taking him on walks where i get out early or class ends at 5. also to continue his training 😥.

in conclusion this journey is needed and often, a part of me realizes i start to enjoy and better peace when things are written, when things are shared, when i am heard. ah, another note, eat healthier and less meat.

[jupiter-inthe-archer]

i think something i often found interesting of myself is that i have the idealogy of what i want to do. I have the steps all written down in my virgo-ish way, i have all the notions to partake those steps, i have the routine list. it’s just the act of doing such things. to make sure enable it’s actually being done, not just an idea. and i often don’t know why I have such trouble with the idea until i start to take a good longing look in the mirror at myself. I know what’s important, I know what I want to look forward to, it is just a tad difficult to ensure that, but maybe because of motivation or what. In hindsight, it’s my last year of college and i want to make sure i graduate with straight A’s, that I’m partaking in situations to get myself internships and careers. but not only worry about graduation but to envolve in myself. As being mostly mutable, i can see myself drifting and following lifestyles, actions, choices and even perceptions of others. to be similar to them in my own way but it’s never quite the way unique. it’s never quite myself. simply put, here’s to me making a list but i hope it’s my last, i hope it becomes a part of who i am and my identity and what i enjoy to do. i’ll be moving to a different place with my best friend with knowing no one, but i suppose it’s time to become friends with people i actually identify as friends genuinely. for the first time in my life. to express myself, to speak my mind. so in furthermore take, • write in a planner or even write about your thoughts of the day. it could even be a composite of lists or just ideas. just anything. as long as it’s everyday at the end of the day. • establish a morning and night routine, now that your fall semester schedule is pretty standard and work schedule should be the same throughout the weeks, make a routine for when you wake up. which of course means waking up same time everyday, drink water, eat a wholesome breakfast or grab a snack, brush your teeth, rinse and cleanse your face. your night routine can easily consist of making dinner, writing about your day in your journal, read a chapter or cuddle up/do something with james. • stick with your workout regime, i know i’m not going to be wearing makeup everyday and even if i do, heading to the gym in between my classes, especially if i don’t have anything to do is a great way to balance that out. • pick up some books and read, read about your major, read about meditating and the act of being one, read just anything that perks your interest and when you find yourself getting bored, pick up the book instead. • limit your tv watching time to only your shows, now i know i enjoy movies, films and whatever catches my eye late at night but a good portion of my time was wasted sitting in front of a tv screen, when the weekly show comes on, make sure that’s the only show you watch, in the morning if you have enough time, watch an episode of an anime but cut it short. • de clutter🙄, now i know i hate cleaning but i also enjoy being in a clean house and feel cozy, plus it creates a sort of atmosphere to it, and i know it’s hard especially with two other people living there but make an effort, clean after your done and james tends to follow suit, organize your area and space that you have. • hobbies are weird but i suppose you have to find one, some what, it tends to be that most hobbies i pick up i tend to stop or they become to expensive but i suppose to joy in college is that there are groups, and workshops that you and james can find and do, take a cooking class if that’s available, join in a game of soccer, take a wood-crafting class. I know those things include money but you might find something you actually enjoy and take in on. • with that being said, BUDGET!! save at least majority of your paycheck and alternate, in terms speaking, first week paycheck goes to rent and utilities, second week goes to nothing but groceries and leasuire activities but put the rest of it away, last week either goes to utilities if you didn’t have enough to save or simply gets put away.