just-hazardous-thoughts

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Geez. Last post was about this?

Guess it's been a long time. I didn't even think about it anymore and I just read in between the lines to remember where I left off but somehow it struck a cord somewhere. Not any tune of regret or sorrow but nostalgia I guess. Neither sad nor happy thoughts. It's complicated. I've always been.

What happened since then? Where to begin without having to write 50 posts?

For sure it was hard after that post. For maybe a month or so? The heart and mind recover must faster than we give them credit for. Since then I've never initiated anything else then. If anything from where I stand now I'm beginning to completely accept that I'm asexual. It surely has been a road and I'm still far from saying it out loud to friends, even the closest, much less to my family. I still feel shameful about it? Society has taught me that difference isn't accepted that easily. Look at gays for instance. I grieve over the lack of representation. It took me 25 years to get to that point and it's sad to realize it's that misunderstood and that I have no figure, no material to look at? It's all been on my end. That must have been how it felt to be an homosexual when it was still considered a disease and something evil, bad. Not that it can compare in any ways. It's different. Nor worse, nor better. Just different. So not really comparable beyond the scope of being different and misunderstood.

At times I'd think it's worst but it cannot be. We're not being persecuted for what we are. So in a sense we're luckier. But looking at it another way, it hurts that we don't even exist on a "regular" scope.

I started to write out there not particularly having in mind writing about that? Just came about. I guess that weights more heavily on my heart that I thought. The fact that my best friends know for sure, and I know they know, but I still can't commit to look them in the eyes and tell them because, I feel shameful and scared about it... It hurts me? It hurts me. I can't even say if time will help. Depends on society's look on it and the progression of the discussions about it if there's even such thing.

All in all to conclude this topic. I feel dysfunctional. I always have. I just never had a word for it. But let's bury that hachet.

On another topic, I finally moved. Moved from my first apartment. My first home ever. I never thought I would. I mean of course, I didn't think I'd live there my whole life, come on. But to have it happen it way different. 6 months ago, and that much is true, I was like "I can't ever move, I just love it so much despite all the troubles it caused me". That was my stance. I was strongly standing by that. But then, the apartment got flooded and it wasn't the first water problem in it and in French, we have a saying about "the last drop making the vase overflow", which translates to "the straw that broke the camel's back". And I was like "Fuck it, I'm getting the hell out of there".

This blended with something else. I think it was like around that same 6 months ago, and I kid you not, I woke up or maybe it was in the morning, and I was like "I want a dog". And since that moment, that thought lived rent-free in my mind. So in part, I also moved because I want a dog. And in my studio, which was anything but tiny, it wouldn't have been sufficient. So that was the second reason that triggered that move.

In any case, I moved. I now have a living room which I never hang into cause there's a sofa, sure, but no TV, no table, no nothing. We're a long way from making this home my nest. And I do have an annoying neighbour who's driving me insane. But that'll be for next time.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

I don't wanna talk about it (2/2)

At my very core, on this fateful Friday. I woke up, and all I could think about was how to tell him I wanted to 'break up'. I was 100% convinced of this and wasn't confused about that. I was about to write a reddit post asking people to give me advices, I didn't think I'd do it on this very day.

When I told him it wasn't going to work and I needed space while texting my best friends, telling them I wanted him gone, all I could do was smile and expect his leave. But as soon as he left, things dawned on me and I wasn't smiling no more. I felt sad. Why do I feel sad? I'm the one who broke things off. I don't understand.

I don't wanna listen to sad songs, I don't wanna feel broken, I thought I was stronger than all of this, and yet here I am.

I feel so dumb to be crying over this. He was never my boyfriend, I was never his girlfriend, we were nothing but hanging out. I don't even feel heartbroken. And yet I'm sad.

I don't know how to move on form that cause everything's so unclear to my own self, and yet I feel like it was the right thing to do. It's so conflicting. What am I supposed to do? I just wish none of that would have ever happened so that I wouldn't be right here right now... But that's not completely true. I don't wanna erase this experience. I have to grow from there, from the good and the bad. But it feels so hard.

Please time, go faster, cause everyone will always tell me that only time heals the wounds. So please, go faster.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

I don't wanna talk about it (1/2)

But I need to write about it. Maybe this will help me move on. I've been avoiding thinking about it all these past days because, it hurts?

So... He came to crash at my house from Sunday to Friday. That was huge. I had never lived with someone else but my family or friends, and suddenly I was living H24 with someone, discovering what it is and how things evolve from that. It already seems like it was so long ago but it was only a few days ago. I don't even know how to relate the experience, even to myself. It's all a mishmash of events unfolding and it's all blurry.

On Sunday, the first day he came — in the evening — I think we partied, drank, sniffed — maybe a bit too much —, had sex, and it was alright. It was just a rough night because of all that. And then I had to wake up for work and he napped till noon. Then he cooked, and it was going alright I guess? I have a low libido so I was like, not really in the mood for another sex round and we just watched something I think but I don't remember what.

I don't think I can recall everything anyways, but there were nice moments. I liked the cuddles very much. He was always stroking me gently and I really loved it. I felt appreciated. It's something that's so rare that I feel should be mentioned. Napping with him was so soothing to my soul. It's all I needed. Someone to hug me and someone to just be there. I wasn't asking for much. But wasn't that just using him? If only for that... I'm a terrible human being.

I remember listening a lot 'I Don't Wanna Know' from Maroon 5, back in that fateful worst summer ever. And now I can finally feel this part of the lyrics:

"Baby, every place I go reminds me of you"

It's not specially a place, but things I'll forever associate with him. I never had that. I never went this far in a relationship so it's my first time experiencing that. Now whenever I'll watch LOTR, I'll think of him. Same with Love, Death & Robots and Jujutsu Kaisen. Every time I'll think about Lovecraft, I'll think of him. I'll be forever reminded that his favourite beer are the Ruby Leffe and the Guiness. Even some outfits now are bonded to him. It's so little and meaningless, and yet it feels like it's huge in my mind. I hope it'll fade quick, and at the same time I'm holding on to it...

I try to only remember the good parts, which I should not cause that makes me long for him, to 'forgive' him, to mend the pieces and tell him I miss him and want him back. But if it's only for the cuddles, I really shouldn't, and I won't. I must remind myself of his bad sides, always trying to coerce sex even when I was explicitly saying no or to always carry me everywhere like a doll — it can be cute, but I wasn't fond of it —. I also didn't like the way he was breathing so strongly, preventing me from sleeping in quietness — which I value a lot —. All in all, I could only focus on his defaults, which was red flag in itself. I could barely point stuff I liked about him to myself. I wasn't entranced to kiss him, to look at him in the eyes, to talk to him. I guess that's what people call the 'spark'. Well, I guess it just wasn't there. I had no feelings. Nothing.

We had so many things in common, games, authors, artists, — we could have done a million things we both love together — and yet it didn't click. And that's what hurts me the most. Why didn't it work? I know it's only one experience out of dozens I could have in the future but I take that and all I take from it is failure and disappointment. I so wanted it to work, and it didn't. And I think I knew it from the start but I still 'went with the flow' and tried to push it to see you know? To hope.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

I am somewhat fine (surprinsingly)

I often — almost always — write when things are going down or I'm confused and need to externalize stuff — I mentionned it in the past — but, I kinda wanted to write an update and surprisingly, I'm somewhat fine these days.

Out of memory, I don't remember where I left things off. Army guy has been gone for the past two weeks so it's only intermittent texting — which I'm fine with — and just today an hour ago we video called. Wasn't as nervous as a date, a bit, but it went ok I think? Still not big into these things but I'm keeping the 'going with the flow' thinking and bursting out my comfort bubble.

Today was productive, kinda. Took care of my laundry, did groceries, baked a cake, cleaned, pampered myself. Felt good. I felt alive. But I'm fine with the mix of being a potato bag in comfy clothes at times, and pampering myself to be as pretty as I can achieve some others.

Funny thing, can't make ligth of this at 100% but I was feeling beautiful and confident even if only to do some groceries for 5mn. But I was wearing a beautiful coat and one of my favourite pair of shoes and as I walked the aisles, a worker was there and I simply said hello — like you just say when you cross a worker —, but he stopped to ask me dead in the eye if I needed help, which is weird and unusual in this shop — yes, I would not mention it otherwise. So was it because I didn't look like complete and utter trash? We'll never know.

Other than that, I'm actually mostly ok these days? Can it be related to army guy being gone? I have no idea. In a way yes. I'm focusing on me, rather than this whole charade most of the time. So it's less 'problems'. I'm rekindling enjoying my own company without having him in every thought of mine.

He's coming home in a few days tho — like a week give or take — and supposedly will come staying at my place and I don't know how I feel about that. I never lived with someone other than my family or my best friends — at their places or during holidays — but that's different. That's still kinda of a stranger. Sure, not out of the street corner stranger — I mean, we met 5 times and been talking for 2 months — but not as close as family or best friend. So there's that. And as my usual self I just store it in the back of my mind to not worry about it until the day comes and an emergency button will be pressed and my mind will go PEW.

I'm less worried about sex lately. Like it'll happen when he'll be there and I'll figure it out when it comes it too. I just don't wanna cloud my mind with 'negative' — as in, it'll impact me negatively to overthink these things, not that they necessarly are — thoughts.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

I don't really remember where I left things off so I'm just gonna pursue from whatever is going on right now. Too bad for the sake of chronolgy that I don't give a fuck.

Been dreaming about him two nights now - not in a row. Feels weird. It's always about affection and just hanging out and cuddling with him. I'm not in the "interpret your dreams" bandwagon but it definitely feels meaningful and relatable to my life right now.

I catch myself taking whiffs off my sheets cause his smell is still here at times. It feels weird and desperate. But it does smell good...

Anywhos, life's kinda back to "normal". Just intermittent texting without relying on it too much. I see it as the red thread of my life. Like, it's omnipresent in the background but it's not the drive. He's elsewhere on a mission at the moment so it's just me and my "peaceful" life until then, got two weeks to figure shit out, or not. I'm just gonna wing it like always, not to be in denial but just, focusing on other stuff until it comes right back in my face with blaring alarms like "IT'S NOW".

Don't have any other gathered thought to share.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

This is an important post

Low self-esteem

I guess I identify myself as kinda ugly these days and don’t even see how can someone be attracted to me, so that I’d never be able to find someone as attractive as I have the attention of now. Does this sentence makes sense? By no mean does it mean I feel unattractive or ugly most of the time. If anything I always thought I fell under the average+ category. I do feel confident when wearing my best clothes and makeup, I do feel sexy and desirable, but only when prepped. Friends often told me I was attractive and stuff. The rest of the time, I feel like I’m so low on the scale tho. I do rate high how people perceive and judge me. It’s a big pressure on my life. I only get "unprepared" (natural) with the people I’m comfortable with, so my family and my best friends basically. Otherwise, I don’t feel confident enough.

Beyond attractiveness, stands my whole being and I don’t have a low self-esteem globally. It’s really about "beauty". Otherwise, I do feel competent, appreciated, smart even, and interesting. I’m not trying to inflate my ankles but I definitely have a personality, I have shit ton of interests and I can keep a conversation going. I don’t feel like a boring person. But I can be for some people. Not everyone matches together - I’m talking relationships globally, not especially dating.

Dating chaos

I’ve never witnessed my parents in love. Love has always and will always be something weird in my family and my upbringing. I truly think it affected me, us, my brother and I. Since we’ve never dated someone, like, both of us - not us together, duh. I think it tells something. It’s not an exact science, some people come from the same place and have no trouble in their dating life, but clearly, not our case, not my case.

My "whole" dating tryouts have been weird as fuck. Just really a shamble of concepts and fantasies but never romanced. Always been down-to-earth in my opinion.

Long story short, it started young when you don’t even understand shit, and it went on with being close to a friend in 6th grade and thinking of "falling in love". Kinda crazy when you’re young and you think you have such a grasp of love, like you’re so sure that you are in love with this one or this one but it’s so not that. It’s just naive. And innocent. But yeah, I don’t really take that into account.

Then my first date ever was at the cinema with a friend of mine, whom I knew had "feelings" or at least an interest in me, and I had none. But I said yes, cause I wanted to see through it you know? Like if I accept, and I go, how will it happen? Will I fall in love? I guess that’s where it started to get all weird for me. It was, or at least at the time, the worst date of my life. Was stressing the whole movie, didn’t want to be here, kept a wall around myself to protect me from him, and just wanted to go home. So yeah, bad experience.

Then I just stopped I guess? And went my whole years through graduation with no events, just me keeping to myself. At times, wondering about attractions to this guy or another, but never something to be pursued.

Onwards to post high-school and higher studies. First fucking year, first fucking crush ever. That was insane and hardcore. Think I wrote about it here. It was like being struck and paralysed in life, revolving around that one person, that you don’t even know. Complete stranger and yet having so much power over your life. We weren’t even friends. Just in the same classes, hanging out with the same people, and I was finding him so attractive. He was built like a greek god and I felt so shy around him. And there were these weird signs and tensions and it was so weird. Texting with him was awful. Full-blown mind games, heartbreaking moments of despair, ghosting, going back to texting, whatever you name it. Didn’t make any sense. I don’t wanna revisit that too much, but it was never meant to work. It was just my first crush and that was a weird experience. And I associate it to "being crazy" for someone in a way? Something I forgot with time, as of right now. Definitely peak of my so called "dating" life / experiences.

Then it calmed. Till I graduated and started working in a company. And I did the one thing you should never do, but I guess it made me learn stuff so it’s always for the taking. "Dating" a coworker. I always put quote around dating, cause I don’t consider I’ve ever been in a relationship and it was more like, exploring. I made a lot of posts here about that so won’t come back on it, especially because I’m fine with it being buried in the past, but that was also important for me cause that’s the most dates I’ve had with a guy. And I remember, even if I wasn’t physically attracted to him, it was nice to hang out with him. I remember having butterflies in my stomach after our first date in a park, and smiling the all way home. I miss that. Not him, but that feeling, that sensation.

Since then, it feels I’ve lost it. After him, I went on six dates at most I’d say? Always first dates, never beyond. And never felt compelled to go farther. That’s when I started to think, I was dysfunctional. That something was wrong with me. Am I broken? Why is it all so weird for me? And why does it seem so easy for everyone else I know or strangers on the internet? It’s troubling.

I’ve always learnt something from my dates tho. Not enlightening and life-changing but, you kinda always take something home with you to feed your mind. With some we vibes, with some we didn’t and it was awful, but my main issue was physical attraction you know.

The 2019 to now question, is, can I feel physically attracted to someone? It’s not like I ever dated downright "ugly" (by standards and my type) guys. They were all kinda ok - to have went this far even.

On another note, I do know the feeling of love tho, so not a total lost cause. I do love my family. I think that’s love, I identify it as such at least. Same for my best friends, but even then, it’s hard to say, cause they’ve been around for so long. What is even love at that point? How do you describe that shit. It’s not even like I long for it? I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’m a dysfunctional human being.

Lost and confused

Overall, I’m at a weird place in my life. It’s not recent, it’s been a few years. I’m not talking about depression or something weighing heavily on me. But I think, my posts are enough evidence to point out how lost, confused and overthinking I can be. There are good days, bad days, neutral days, but they all have something in common: my life ideology revolving around a conceptual nihilism but not an applied one. It’s a state of my mind. Life is so damn complicated, with no manual, and no guidance. You’re always alone. So of course, you have, I mean, I have, my family, my friends, they’ve always been around at the most needed times to answer my questions and concerns, but deep down, it goes beyond that - what I’m talking about. I can never make myself clear about that, it’s in my head. That’s the issue. Life is so hard to live.

Recently I wished, another me could take care of some stuff while the "real" / current me, would nap in my own mind and come back once it’s done so I don’t have to deal with it. It’s so weird. Don’t ask.

I don’t want to end my life. I’m too selfish for that, it’s not even about others, it’s about me. Life is worth living for the experiences there is to live. It’s undeniable to me. But it’s so frustrating to always be on the edge, not knowing how to act, how to live. I’m fine with not seeing what’s around the corner, cause that’s my motto, YOLO. It’s fine, just take things as they are. But even like this, without trying to think too much, I obviously do and I’m still lost and confused. Makes me thing of DAZED & CONFUSED by Die Antwoord - even though the lyrics are unrelated to all this.

About loneliness

Sometimes it’s fine, I’m a lonely being at heart. I enjoy my "me" time. I don’t need constant social interactions, I’m fine cocooning with myself, playing, watching stuff, reading. I’m not in distress over that, and I can go on for long periods of time.

But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes loneliness creeps in, and it overshadows all that. And it’s like my mind whispering something about it, and that it’s not ok. And that’s why I love my social life too. I love going out, partying, drinking, talking. I’m not an extrovert by no mean. I’m socially awkward, I’m shy, I cringe at myself, but I overthrow all that when out in the open. I wear my mask of confidence and it works. Only when I’m all alone with myself again, I wince at stuff that I said, how I acted, but it’s alright.

Like I said, I can go months feeling ok about being on my own but all it takes, is that one evening, that one night, when it doesn’t feel right.

And that’s when I think about dating. Finding someone, not being on my own forever, having someone to share everything with but, as edgy as it sounds, I feel like I’m so complex that I could never find a partner to solve my jigsaw.

I just think about all my friends, being in a relationship, and how left out I am and out of touch in some topics of life with them cause I��ve never experienced them. So there’s a whole part missing that I can’t interact with.

And it’s fine as long as it’s a fantasy you know, but then, doing the actual bidding, and actual dating, is frightening and terrifying despite me, trying not to be scared and going the flow, my body and my mind are just screaming for help.

Sexual uncertainties

So, lost my V card, fairly recently, so it’s all confusing times. But I guess I feel insecure, obviously inexperienced and it weighs on me. My first sexual experience was, weird, unsatisfying, unimpressive and left me thinking maybe I was even more dysfunctional than I thought.

Will I grow to love it and appreciate it? Was it just that one time that was bad? There’s so many questions that stresses the hell out of me. And right now, my body is in agony. That fellow stress coursing through your veins when thinking about all that stuff, just like before presenting in front of a jury, a job interview or a first date.

2021 is UGH. I don’t know how else to describe it. 21 days in and I’m full of stress, uncertainties, awkwardness and confusion. I can add a long list of words to that but I guess, those are the main points.

But you know what’s weird about all that is that, ooooh taboo, but like many - almost everyone - I do masturbate and I do enjoy it on my own. I know my body. And though I have weird tendencies that I can’t explain and won’t, I can’t understand why my first sexual experience was what it was. Must be tricks of the mind. But truly made me question if I’m asexual, aromantic, greysexual, demisexual or whatnot but I can’t have an answer unless I explore it more I guess.

I think that sums up a lot of important shit about me, or at least, how I view things at the moment, these past years, right now. That’s, that’s what’s going on. It’s a mess, for me. It’s always me, my diary, my thoughts. It’s insignificant to others.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Ugh.

Yeah I’m big on grunts right now.

I think I’m getting closer to the bad times I had a few years ago with the other guys and the bad nothingness phase.

I thought I was headed somewhere ok, like confused and lost but going with the flow you know. But then this weekend has been nothing but fucking weird. I spent all my time napping listening to music cause I just wasn’t feeling right? I thought it’d help to text with army guy over the weekend but we barely did cause he barely has anime time to do so. I was irritable, empty and kinda sad? Not sure about sad cause not really. It wasn’t a crying mood feelings, just, weird.

Then this fucking week is just trash. Meetings everywhere and it just sucks I hate my work at the moment. It was a garbage Monday. I hope tomorrow will be better but I have little to no hope.

I’m trying to dodge thinking. Like I don’t know, it scares to think so I try to focus on everything but my life. Cause whenever I’m thinking about it, it just makes me feel weird and it’s not a path of thoughts I want to follow.

I just wanna nap all day everyday. And I hate naps. What do I make of that, huh?

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Hmm.

So after spending an horrible day yesterday, starring, low and behold, my PMS and army guy - I never gave him a name so here’s one - not answering, I feel better.

But really, yesterday was crap. It completely fucked with my brain and did something that I hate to me. Couldn’t compute anything or focus, was just staring at my phone all day and even when it was free time after work, I just took my laptop into my bed and watched silly video feeling like shit.

Then he fucking answered ugh. And it was all better. And I couldn’t stop smiling. Like seriously? What am I? 16 again? I don’t wanna act this way.

I just felt so relieved that it wasn’t actual ghosting but legit just no access to his phone. I mean, I’m so retarded too. He’s in the freaking army, what’d I expect.

The more I give it some thought the more I think it’s a bad idea. I’m patient but that’s such a raw deal. Can barely see him, cannot sleep with him since he can’t sleep off base and I don’t know, seems like a waste. But at the same time I don’t wanna call it off still and move on to something else. Mainly because if I stop seeing him, I don’t wanna try anything else behind it. I’m just not tailored for the chase or whatever. I don’t even really know how I got here in the first place but I’m going with the ride till it ends. Definitely not taking another bus after that one until it feels super needed.

Still have no idea what I’m doing and where the ride is going.

And I’m really on my own. I mean, that is thing I’m trying to commit to. Not to talk about it to anyone until I know. It’s my business, not anyone else’s. But at the same time, I could use the conversations, to guide me, calm me, or whatever... But I decided to take it up between me and my fucking brain. So here we are. As lost as fucking ever and dealing with this? YOLO. That’s what I always say. Might sound cringe but, really my motto. Like, try not to think too much about it but then, who am I kidding, just have to read my diary history to see that, I’m just a fool.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Yet another confusing time of nothingness but not despair

I’m not depressed. It’s not the nothingness I’ve known a few years ago where nothing has taste and there’s a hole in your body and your soul. Nope. It’s just, weird af.

This time there’s no hole and empty sorrow. The best I can describe it is sitting on a chair, doing stuff, living, blinking, breathing but laughing at the thought that something is going on - obviously - that I can’t put my finger on. It’s weird but I’ll take it over listening my depressive playlist. It’s nicer to laugh.

So, 2021 onwards. Something big happened already, only one day after it started. I lost my V card. Who would’ve thought. Not me. I was the first surprised. Still wonder if it really happened to be honest. Been 4 days and I’m in a weird state of mind. At first I felt very awkward and ashamed for some reasons (and I still do to an extent). It wasn’t so much about the realisation, it was never a big deal for me but not to be seen as the prude and dysfunctional girl out of my girlfriends is kinda nice so I guess I can cross that of my list. But at the same time, idk. It was kinda boring and left me thinking "so what’s the big deal?". Didn’t really left me wanting more. I have more fun on my own.

Usually I’m all opened about what to write even without focus but this time it’s really hard to gather stuff. Feels like I want to hide them from myself even. But gonna force myself to expand a bit. It’s important stuff in a way.

So what happened.

Don’t really remember but I guess once again I felt lonely one night and desperate enough to swipe some guys on Tinder. It’s kinda my thing. It’s all alright until it isn’t and I feel a surge of swipe to justify that I’m at least trying to "fix" or at least improve my condition.

Anyways, ended up on some guy that was way too handsome to skip but I knew nothing would come of it since he was like 300km from me. Wanted to keep it as collection I guess. I try to keep the ones I find attractive to figure out "my type". Kinda silly.

Then, ofc, the one you expect the least is always the one to talk back. It wasn’t a striking message, he commented about my septum, and it just went on from that. Been talking for a month+ now (since the start of December) and I liked how it’s always been sporadic messages. Like not the kind where you send messages, get some answer back in 5mn and discuss live (like I do everyday on Discord). It’s way more sparse and I like it cause I can’t be dedicated to spending my whole life texting (even tho I do it on Discord but it feels different?).

Tbh I’ve never been "compelled" to this person like waiting his messages in anticipation or anything. Always been detached. Was the same with the guy I was texting before this summer and even before. It’s kinda nice cause there’s not much at stake. If he ever ghosts, it doesn’t really matter. But it’s also scaring me. Do I have a broken heart or what? I can’t seem to feel things. Apart from crushes (which are insignificant) and that one coworker I hanged out with, I’ve never been silly over texts. I would prefer to be. At least it makes you feel something. For sure at least I don’t get hurt, but I feel like a ghost.

Onwards. We finally decided to meet. Wasn’t particularly pleased to have him over my place cause I’ve never invited strangers there and what if it was awkward? At least in public you’re safe and if it goes terrible you can just leave and pretend to have something to do after to move on. Home, if you want an escape, you kinda have to be blunt and ask the person to go away or bare with it.

Sex was off the table - at least in my mind, even wore not sexy clothes and unmatched undies -. I thought I had been clear about that since I had said something like "Sure why not but only to get to know each other". Guess it had been taken in another way that what I was originally meaning.

Fatidic day comes, obligatory stress before a date, make yourself extra pretty. He arrives, super handsome, smells good, is nice. I make cocktails, he shakes them, we drink, it’s fine. But, cause there’s always a but, it seems so formal. Like I’m trying to be a good date and be ultra dynamic in the conversation but it feels like I’m leading too much and he’s not talking an awful lot, not even asking about me. Super different from how he was texting. I try to not mind it too much.

It gets physical at some point, he makes me hop on him, take me into his arms until he finally decides to go down on me and go PIV. It’s not like I didn’t want to and was forced to do so, I just let it happen. But I would’ve preferred it another way? Like further down the line? First talk a lot more and get a feel of each other, then eventually leading to that. Introducing that so fast, so quick made the possible spark die for me. I felt awkward and like nothing could go on from that point but to go the casual sex route or stop it there. I guess it made me realise that I’m really looking for a relationship. Prior to that I always said I wanted to see how things go into dating, so not specifically a relationship but that’s exactly what happened and now I know.

So here we are, the aftermath. Kinda ghosted him for two days. He was obviously super happy about what happened and casual about it but I wasn’t. So expressed that it made me uncomfortable and so forth. He said he was sorry and wasn’t usually like that… Wanted me to give him a second chance. Debated for a whole lot of time in my head, basically lost my peaceful sleep times for days now (and it’s still ongoing). Decided on a "maybe". And now we’re back to texting, more deep stuff, less emotes. Idk how I feel about that. I don’t know anything anymore.

————————

So I left this note unfinished kinda? But it’s an unfinished business so that’s fine. One week later. Where we at?

We continued texting and I guess the more time past the more I was forgetting about our first date, moving on in a kinda way. Focusing on other stuffs basically even tho that’s the core of my life rn. Like overthinking, thinking and thinking again about all this.

Eventually he asked if he could come back this weekend and I was like "mmmh maybe?", because I really was like maybe. Wasn’t really trying to tease him, just wasn’t sure. But in my mind, I was accepting that he’d come already. So fast-forward, second date planned on Sunday (first one was Saturday the week before). He asked if he could come a bit earlier to spend more time, and I agreed. Only if he didn’t come at like 9am or something cause y’a know, still need to make myself pretty and clean my apartment. Important stuff to me.

Today is Monday, so it was yesterday. What happened? Juicy.

It was kinda awkward at first, ngl. When he said he was there and I had to open the door to go get hime, I got this huge wave of stress washing over me and I remember saying out loud “Wtf am I even doing”, but then it was too late and it was happening so good fucking luck me.

He brought beers and a pizza (for him, since I hate it, he knew it). We just started to drink and talk casually, but there were these awkward silences at times. But props to him in some ways cause he always found a way to make a comeback somehow, and make it less awkward, and be physical - not always sex-driven but just make these kinda approaches that are like closing the gap between strangers? -.

We then decided to watch horror movies. And I think that was my favourite part. It was really just chilling you know. It was cute. We just cuddled on the couch and he tried a move but I said "not today". Cause that was my mindset for real this time. And as first date didn’t go as planned my battle plan for this one would have to hold. If no sex on second date, and he still stays in my radar it kinda seals the deal in a way? Not like it’s all perfect and chill, for all I know we’re not exclusive or anything so doesn’t prove much, but that he wants to stick around a bit? And I like that idea. So he was like "ok ok, I’ll slow down", with a cute voice. And yeah, that was a super nice moment that I really enjoyed actually. I remember thinking into his arms like "Okay, I could live with that, it’s kinda nice, could fall asleep here". He actually fell asleep for a while.

It wasn’t all perfect ok? There’s already some stuff bothering me, probably some bothers him too, but nothing is perfect. Kinda have to focus on the good stuff.

It’s kind of all new to me. Never went this far into any relationship really. So, I’m trying to handle things differently too? Like, I didn’t say to my friends - best friends - that I saw him again, all that happened yesterday. Cause, I guess I kinda wanna keep it to myself till I know where it’s going? If it ever goes somewhere anyway. Like I’ve always been to prone to talk about my dates - that are so few -, and nothing good ever came of it so I just don’t wanna discuss duds - not dudes, duds, like the empty fake shit - anymore?

I really wish I could talk to them about it now, cause it’s so fresh and new and he doesn’t answer me cause something happened in the army - cause he’s in the army - and he had to give his phone away at a certain point and he said he didn’t knew when he would get it back?

SO. Either, this could be a lie and he’s ghosting me. Which would be weird, considering how things went - he said “Today was a good day” in a vocal note yesterday while he was being punished -, but, you never know. Or, it’s the truth and it sucks cause I kinda wish we would have talked today. I mean, happened in the past where he was punished and stuff so it’s believable.

But it’s really one of the two. And it bothers me, and I wish I knew. Cause I’m all alone with my thoughts rn, and that’s why I picked this again cause I can’t talk to him, can’t - don’t wan’t - to talk to my friends about it, really can’t talk to my parents about it so I feel alone.

But on another note, reverse psychology really works on me lol. Kept checking my phone all day when usually he sends messages and I kinda glide over it cause I don’t wanna make it my priority, but clearly today there’s been a shift. Not to say it’ll remain if he ever answers - cause yeah, I cracked and sent a message -. So yeah guys, I��m one of those annoying chicks.

Yeaaaah, I definitely listened to my sad playlist today. Don’t judge. But also, I’m having my periods - which is great, cause I was concerned - but also make this day sucks even more cause it hurts. But at least the pain kinda distracts me. Idk, it’s weird to explain.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

How should I even explain how I feel?

I went to dates before going to Berlin and this trip was kind of my excuse to get away and run away from things if I’m being honest. I thought it would help me figure some things out and turns out that, as I didn’t really go for a long time, progress was made but I don’t know. There weren’t drastic changes in my thoughts but still, something happened which is really dumb and really bad.

When I went to get tattooed I met William, my tattoo artist, and my god I don't know I kind of got a crush on him and now I'm stuck with that but it gave me the clarity that I can get sexually and physically attracted by someone. Well, more like physically, because I'm physically attracted to him, but not to the dates I had.

About this crush, it will go away easily I think, I’m mature enough to deal with it. And I know it's dumb because it will never go anywhere anyway. It's not like we're talking, it's not like he's interested in me and we live in different countries basically so it's never gonna happen but it gave me the certainty that I am not physically attracted to the two guys I've seen and I don't want to see them again on dates because it's not working for me. And that’d be wasting their time and mine. It won’t lead anywhere, I just know it.

With that in mind now I have to text them that I am not interested because I don't want to go out with them. The easy solution — the runaway one — would be to ghost them so that I wouldn’t have to deal with anything but I genuinely don't like people doing that, especially when you met them in person once. I've been ghosted after a date before and this is not cool, especially when you said "why not" on a second date so I have to explain properly that it's just not working for me, that I'm not ready to date because I literally have been so stressed out this entire period of two weeks because of all this dating thing and also with the stress at work and everything. I just can't deal with that honestly. So I'm just being a coward but it's for my mental health. It's too stressful I really can't deal with that, I'm physically ill, I've been physically ill during this whole ordeal so fuck that.

Back to square one, I guess until I feel better. But I really don’t need this right now. Yup. I’m a not wired to deal with that yet. Maybe not ever. I’m still figuring out who I am, and how I work. Until then,  it’s just me experimenting with life to understand things about myself. I do feel bad about the collateral damages but yeah.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

YOOO been awhile

It’s not that I feel down, I just feel weird. Like back in that famous summer 2017 which is still vibrant in my mind.

I, took the initiative to rampage tinder a bit like YOLO you know. Got to talk to a lot of people and got four dates in a row. Two I went this weekend.

And, the first one, well I wouldn’t call it a disaster alright? But the guy was short. Like short. And, I guess I realized more than ever that I like guys that are at least a bit taller than me which isn’t that difficult you know I’m not a giant girl. Anyways, I hid my disappointment when meeting him, and we just went walking and he didn’t even know where to go, so I chose the bar. Bar was fine, the experience was boring. I took a coke cause I was still wasted from the day before and he took a glass of white wine but there was no depth in the conversation. It was turning in cycles, boring as ever, and I just wanted to go home, which I finally, did, we split, and never even texted each other again. I’m fine with that. We both understood it wasn’t a match so, it’s alright. But it’s funny cause we were talking for a week and a half but yeah, so long.

Second one was yesterday. First time ever that I was going to a guy’s place and it was for a first date, eh. I’m applauding my bravery. I’m no longer the scaredy-cat I used to be when it came to meeting strangers. I’m still cautious, I’m not naive and unconscious, but I’m less anxious than when I went on my first date ever, sweating like crazy, shaking like a leaf and almost having a cardiac arrest. Went to his place, he was tall enough, nice looking, conversation was smooth, we drank, we smoked, we talked for quite a while and then I left. He clearly is in on it but I don’t know, that’s where I’m at.

Feeling back at what the summer guy made me feel. Hanging out was nice but there’s no spark, no fulfillment. I know you don’t get attached over one simple date but I’m lost in there. What if I’m incapable of getting attached or worst? I know I’m capable of love cause hell, I love my friends and my family so I know the feeling but I never felt that way looking for a partner. Never met the right person or incapable of feeling it? Who knows. It’s worrying.

I have a third date set for Wednesday. We’ll see how it goes, maybe it’ll clarify some things, probably not. I don’t have high hopes at understanding myself at all. I’m messed up and I’ll probably end up forever alone.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Bleh

I impulsively thought I should just write cause something caused me to feel a bit down again. Always the same stuff.

It was okay, the routine. Nothing too exciting but nothing to get too worked up about. And then impulsively, yet again, I went tinder-rampage I guess, and one thing led to another, I got a date only to get meh again. Not that I feel depressed over that ordeal, it’s more like, it never goes anywhere, that’s what is kinda of meh.

Anyways. Whatever.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

It feels like I haven’t written in ages. That means it’s good. Most of the time, we talk about negative things, not the opposite. So the less I say, the better my life is going.

My life is paced well these days. Since I moved back in December, things have improved. Not drastically, but I’m in a good place. I catch myself becoming lazy though. Not about the chores because, I know how to pick myself on that to live correctly in a clean environment and not letting myself rot but what I meant was that, I’m becoming socially lazy. I do go out but it’s not what it used to be at the prime of my life two summers ago when I was avoiding home so much. It seems so far away now that I think about it. It was by no mean a good period but it was fun going out a lot.

Next Friday I’m celebrating my birthday for the first time with more than two people with me so yeah, that’s a first!

And Wednesday I’m finally getting tattooed. And to be honest, I’m not freaking out right now, like I’m fine but I feel that somewhere deep inside the seed of anxiety and fear is growing and will bloom at full speed by Monday night. Not sure I’ll get enough sleep.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Moving out

Time has come for me to write the big update. Everything was a bit stale a few weeks ago and novelty happened all at once in the span of a week, thrown at my face without warning.

As the title suggests: I’m moving out. It’s happening. I found a place, in Paris, I signed the papers, I have the keys, and in a few weeks, I’ll probably be there living alone. A lot of things are going to happen in the next days because I have quite the to-do list and it’s tiring just to think about it.

I already took care of transferring the former tenant’s electricity contract to me but there’s no internet there yet, there’s some cleaning to do and more importantly, a lot to buy.

I think I’m too lazy to write about this ordeal when really there’s so much to say but the more important thing to retain is that it all feels unreal. I just can’t process that it’s actually happening.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

And just like that, a month went by...

And I’m beginning to feel down again. Life really only is ups and downs. Technically it’s not something really depressing or sad but it affects me and what I’m trying to achieve at the moment.

Big news: I got my degree.

Well, that was a month ago but it still relevant. Around the same time I was giving my presentation and getting my degree, my mom was hospitalized, things were weird all around and then she came home — I got the news the same day she was moving back home.

I came back to work a few weeks later, things had changed a bit but I got used to it — a lot of new faces and new processes but yeah, at least it’s not the boring routine (yet).

And now I’m on to the new chapter I was aiming at since years: moving out / finding my own place. And it’s proving to be a fucking nightmare.

I really started the whole thing a week ago and I’m already feeling down. I signed up to every possible website on the matter to no avail, I’ve been reading posts on facebook groups for months and it’s almost always shit, I went to an agency to get help and I felt completely misunderstood and not guided and no one’s helping me so... I’m on my own.

Now I’m too lazy to write more so I’ll just stop there. Needed to write this somewhere I guess.

[just-hazardous-thoughts]

Well, it finally happened! Phew. I’m alive and (kinda) well. I survived. I battled, lost at times, but won in the end. That’s the essential part, right?

Where to start, hu.

At the time, when I wrote this post, I didn’t envision things would go the way they went. That may be obvious, but we always project a future version of us that will never exist until we meet the said future just to realize that it was yet another fantasy: that’s what’s happening.

Back then I thought naively that I would really start something completely new, moving out to another country, going out there you know? Yeah, chuckle all you laugh present me. Though I’m not chuckling at all...

To be fair, a new chapter will soon begin, that part is true, but it won’t be as grand as it was ought to be in my mind. I will be moving out on my own and start a real grown-up life, but it’ll still be in the same country, working at the same place, eh? But that’s alright. I won’t complain. I’ll get a decent paycheck and I’ll get to move out to breathe on my own, I can live with this.

It hasn’t exactly been 378 days, sorry, I lied. You do the math. It’s only been 377 until another 10mn.

I went to my final presentation, and I’d like to said that I nailed it, especially after having worked so hard on repeating all I had to say and spending countless hours designing this shit but it wasn’t perfect. They did say my plan was perfect tho and that my keynote was beautiful. That they felt I was passionate about what I was talking about (lmao). But they did say I was talking way too fast, which I’ll admit and I knew it but I wanted to be able to say everything before the timer beeped. Then, one asshole in the jury decided to crucify me with two stupid questions and my answers weren’t satisfying enough for him so we’ll see how it goes...

But whatever, it’s over. Let’s cross fingers that I get my degree and let’s wait another two weeks for the new chapter.

378 days

I need to survive for this long. This is the number of days keeping me apart from starting a new chapter in my life. It represents the official end of the third and last year of my degree then I’m free — only if I graduate though.

It’s already been a whole year that I can’t wait to graduate because I’m bored of my life as it is and I just want my diploma to turn the page and get to the next chapter of my life.

I just need to live through 378 days, how hard can it be, huh?

In a way what I’m doing is wrong because I’m only hurting myself counting the days and putting so much hope towards this future. What if I don’t graduate or am unable to? What if once I graduate all the hopes I pushed in there are destroyed? And yet I can’t stop but being excited to end all of this.

What I really long for in my life at the moment and for this past year are to move out into my own place and to leave my home country. I do not hate my country but I do not feel attached to it either. What I want in fact is to challenge myself.

I’m a kid who’s always been sheltered by overprotective folks so these past two years after high school was when I finally was able to grow up and hell I grew up fast. I also acquired maturity in the blink of an eye — not trying to flat my ego but I did — because I was on my own, out of my comfort zone, with no friends, no ties, nothing. It was quite a big deal for me because I had been going to the same school for 15 years and I never had to be the “new kid” somewhere so, heck, I was socially awkward and I didn’t know how to initiate with people — still not the best but I improved.

My first year as a freshman taught me to socialize, it became easier to talk to people — to “chit-chat”. Then came my internship. Big fucking deal too. I was going to be confronted with the professional world and I was like 19 and clearly not ready. It was going fast. I took the step forward, met people twice my age and that it made me grew mature. Both at my school and at work, I’m surrounded by people older than me and I guess they influenced me.

Then, soon enough, I got my first paycheck and from there, I felt like I became an adult. I started writing emails to companies providing services, to call in order to take an appointment etc. It might seem like nothing but, to me, it was a big step forward because I was starting to handle my life and not letting my parents do it for me. Having your own credit card and earning your own money really changes you because you learn the harsh reality of money. It’s coming out of your pocket and you realize how careful you must be. It’s really easier to say “mom I want an iPhone” and to be mad at her for not buying than to realize how much it costs and when you look at your bank account you realize you don’t really need that iPhone — and you’re not mad at yourself for that matter.

I’m losing focus here and I got carried away huh? Anyway, I was talking about challenges, growing up and stepping out of your comfortable life to become an adult. So my next goal is to graduate, then move out in a country I know nothing about and to navigate through life. That’ll be the hugest challenge in my life if I can make it. Moving out to your first apartment is already quite a big deal as it is but now if you add that’ll be in another country, well, shit right?

And yet I can’t wait for that. It’s scary, but it’s exciting and I need changes in my life. So I’m just gonna wait for these 378 to pass and hopefully, I’ll survive, there won’t be much drama — lmao, right? — and I won’t die?

Good luck me, brace yourself. Happy 378 days!