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y’all ever see a piece of fan content about your favorite character that is so horrifically different from what you personally believe and you just

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Thinking about Sephiroth sitting comfortably on a couch. Trousers off. Knees bent because he's too damn long. One knee laid, one upright against the back cushions. Comfortable. Airing himself out, covered enough for decency. Propped up in the corner and staring at his phone. Periodically adjusting, just a smidgen. "Normal" adjacent.

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Good news—I've written up the first four chapters of my next major sephesis project. They're going to sit and stew for a few days before I begin marking them up properly, then rewrite.

Which is to say,

soon.

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rotating them in my mind at the end of the world

First bit of art made since starting ADHD meds—I repaired my tablet (battery and port replacement) and sat on the phone with a friend today, while I played about with it. I've had this tablet for nearly a decade now; it's a Samsung galaxy tab s 10.5. It's still serving me well. It still preforms its functions dutifully, despite the permanent burnishing of the glass in the centre where my fingers have smudged most.

By all means not my best work. Not even pleased with this, but—it's something. It's a testament to just sitting and poking a screen with my fingertips for the first time in ages, without reference, which is unusual for me. I'm happy I've done it at all. It's been ages.

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I've started ADHD medication (methylphenidate XL) on Sunday, and I'm very hopeful that I'll get control of my life back. That, I'll be able to be clean, well fed, well rested, and do the things I enjoy regularly again once it all settles in.

It's as though I've been given pills that provide me with free will within half an hour of taking them. I did more on Sunday around the house (house jobs, deep cleaning kitchen, repairing electronics, going for a walk, meal prepping, eating all my meals, etc) that I have in what feels like eons. I finished many tasks I started over two years ago. They took maybe ten minutes a pop.

I completed my morning routine for the first time in over two years, yesterday. I left the house early for the first time in history. I never had to rush. There was no distress.

And the price is...dry mouth? That's an excuse to eat more hard candies, babe.

Though I am getting headaches, and my sensory issues seem stronger, my communication issues (related to autism) seem a little more pronounced, especially at home. I need my ear defenders more, and often quite urgently.

My spouse has noticed that I'm no longer "trying to piss him off for dopamine", which, I think is true. I no longer feel the urge to push, prod, poke, or otherwise torment his buttons. I'm not getting restless anymore, I'm getting bored. I can handle boredom; I can just...go do something, or sit there and think. I have the capacity to do something worthwhile.

My head is a lot quieter inside. It's easier to pick out the dialogue I need to use from the noise. I'm not having verbal shutdowns, yet. I'm not feeling the need to hide somewhere dark and quiet.

But there's a comedown. About 5-6 hours after I take it, and again about 10-12 hours after that first instance, I crash. The first one is mild tiredness and irritability, the urge to lay down. The second one, late at night, is an all encompassing hopelessness. I get heavy and tired. There's a profound sadness. It's as though all the potential upsets and dysregulation I was spared during the day come back all at once to spite me for suppressing them.

But at least by then it's bed time.

I can struggle through bed time, wake up, and take the pills. It's working. It's worth the crash, even if it leaves that lingering sadness in the back of my mouth.

I just wish I'd gotten them sooner.

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i know we joke about cis artists having the weirdest sense of anatomy, but also even when the anatomy is fine, no one seems to want to draw women doing normal things

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Me: I don't get it. I thought I was doing a lot better than I was a few years ago. I'm like 10 times more on top of things than I used to be. How does everything feel terrible now?

The Tiny Me in OSHA-approved Hi-Vis Gear Who lives in my brain and pulls all the levers: Boss, it's the fascism. You're completely gunked up with cortisol due to the fact that your entire daily life is now underscored with a haunting awareness of the rapid erosion of your rights, dignity, and any and all social safety nets, and you're also bearing witness to the most vulnerable people immediately being persecuted. This creates a natural stress response that basically means you're going to continue having memory and organizational problems, as well as emotional imbalances.

Me: BUT I HAVE A BULLET JOURNAL AND I MEDITATE NOW.

Tiny OSHA Me: BOSS, THE FASCISM.

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what I think will happen if I message my mutuals

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Bird Nesting At The Temple Of Horus, Egypt.

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a writing competition i was going to participate in again this year has announced that they now allow AI generated content to be submitted

their reasoning being that "we couldn't ban it even if we wanted to, every writer already uses it anyway"

"Every writer"?

come on

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he's a monstrous heartless villain to YOU. he's a pinup girl to me

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Hey if you’re schizophrenic/psychotic I just want you to know that you’re a wonderful person and that you deserve so much better than the demonization, marginalization and stigmatization you face in this society.

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This is the worst timeline. (x)

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aquarium bujo sketch dump + octopus interaction??

「 a black pen & pink mildliner sketch containing some funky, twisty, ruffled seaweed in the first tank, + a couple of fish. one shark-like entity lays on the sand, another fish swims near the top. 」

I'm a sucker for aquariums, this isn't new. I've probably been to a couple dozen unique aquariums by now, and have an annual membership to a local one. I've never been much of a picture taker, but I do bring my bujo and have a little draw. Fish stare at you, children stare at you and get rushed along by their parents, random adults talk to you. It's interesting. I've learned to expect it. I take my time a lot more than I used to, which I like. Feels like I really get my money's worth.

So when I was in Den Haag for a couple of days recently, I visited the Sea Life on the coast there. It wasn't particularly different from the other Sea Life sites I've seen.

「 four sketches — a dragon moray coming out of a pot; a piranha with two tiny tetras; a pair of tube anemone stuck to a rock; a chunky little caiman 」

They had an "Amazonian" section, which very much has your usual fare (caimans, pacu, piranhas, usually some frogs, other fish, etc). These types of exhibits often make me sad due to the smallness of the spaces. Their Pacu tank seemed crowded, and the caiman tanks seemed a bit barren. I skipped out on the Pacu feeding session. I've seen a lot of Pacu feeds.

Their underwater tunnel was alright. A woman was watching me sketch, and hesitated to approach me a couple of times. I think she tried in Dutch first (she could have been speaking to someone else), but upon getting no response (listen...I'm ND and was looking at fish) she tried in English, and asked me about my bujo for a few minutes. I showed her the fish sketches I'd made so far, and the sketches I'd made in Köln a few days prior. She lamented that she is not good at art and could never draw in public; I told her she'd never get better if she didn't try. She seemed really sweet. I don't think I made any eye contact with her (oops). According to my spouse, she had long brown hair and a sweet, round face. I hope she had a nice time.

「 one big sketch — a fishtank with a log running through the middle, a big rock in the back. two large fish swim in the bottom right, schools of little fish cluster in the tip right and left. stringy seagrass frame either side. the text underneath reads "clown, rabbit, tang, file". 」

There were some really neat tanks in their tropical area. I sat down on a bench to stare at this one tank for a while. Good tank. This big log ran through the middle, and had some sort of fleshy purple/yellow growths on it. They were real neat.

It was full of clown fish, and if I had a euro for every time a child ran up shouting "NEMO! NEMO!" I could have covered my entry and then some.

「 two sketches — a seahorse attached to some netting, and an octopus sticking to the corner of its enclosure. 」

The octopus was probably the highlight of my time there. The octopus alone, I think, was worth it. I want to say they were a coconut octopus, but I could be remembering wrong. Didn't write it down.

The octopus' enclosure was at the end of the aquarium route, near the interactive children's area, and the touch pool. The octopus' tank wasn't fully exposed either, there were 3-4 little holes (vaguely circular, about 30cm in diameter) in fake rock that'd let you look in. Most kids/people went straight to the interactive areas. It was VERY loud.

When I had a look at them, the octopus was in the far corner (compared to where I was, at the short edge). I just watched them for a bit. A few people poked their heads into other spots, took pictures, left, etc.

By the nature of the weird little holes, I had to be sort of squished up against the glass, really peeking in for a sustained period. Bujo resting on the fake rock ledge/sill on the outside.

After a few minutes, putting down the pencil sketch, starting to put down the pen, the octopus abandoned the corner and came over to me. It felt very quick. One glance away, one glance back up, and they were looking at me. Unmistakably at me, eyes to the glass, rest of head facing away, peering directly at my face. It was a little uncomfortable. It felt like eye contact. It's not like how most fish and amphibians stare back. It felt like there was a different sort of curious, calculative interest rather than the usual "new stimuli, investigate" vibe I get from other creatures. I stayed still.

Then they moved up a little, climbing the glass with those hundreds of little suckers, and tried to peer down. I interpreted this as them looking at my bujo/what was in my hands. So, I showed them, as I would to anyone else. I turned the bujo to face them, and gave them a good ~10-15 seconds per page, showing all the sketches I'd made so far, the sketches I made in Köln a few days prior, other sketches made during travel, etc etc. They looked. And when I pulled the bujo away to try and see if I could show anything more, they stared back at me for a few seconds longer, then went back to the corner.

I probably spent about five minutes total with them. It somehow felt like ages, and like nothing.

More than anything I just felt sad. Aquariums, though I (selfishly) love them, often make me feel sad. It just made me think of how much of this octopus' day is filled with a constant onslaught of people showing up, staring, poking glass, taking a picture, then leaving. Such an unnatural life. It made me wonder just how many/few people linger there for more than a minute. At the very least, I hope that octopus is getting all of their needs met, and then some. I hope they have suitable enrichment outside of operational hours. I hope they get the attention and interaction they deserve, and have strong positive relationships with the people who care for them. I hope they're not afraid.